Disenhanced Episode 8: Confidence Man

Opinions about Sawyer as a character on Lost come down to two basic positions - he's hot, and he's mean. If conciseness as well as accuracy is our goal, we might boil down a proper description of Sawyer to "nasty", which captures both the hotness-factor and the meanness-factor quite well. In this episode, we get a chance to see Sawyer in all his nasty glory, gettin' nasty with a lady while he attempts to nastily bilk her husband out of a considerable amount of money.

This episode attempts to explain "Why Sawyer Is The Way He Is", which is something that someone sooner or later was going to have to do, as the way he is, it must be admitted, is kinda wack. As Kate observes in this episode, Sawyer seems to want to be hated - you know, kind of like one of those obviously tone-deaf people who defy conventional wisdom regarding their singing ability and try out for American Idol. Actually, multiply that times 100, and that's how much Sawyer seems to want to be hated. Why would someone go out of their way to be detested and despised? (I suppose I should ask myself that question before posting another one of these pointless Disenhanced transcripts. Oh well.)

Here is the eighth episode of Lost, entitled Confidence Man. Without further ado, let's get nasty.

Act 1

[Shot of Kate walking up the beach with bananas. She finds Sawyer's clothes and Watership Down.]

SAWYER: [from the ocean] Hell of a book. It's about bunnies.

CAPTION: This was why Sawyer started reading it. He was disappointed, however, that the bunnies were feral hares rather than the caretakers of Hef's Mansion.

[We see Sawyer coming out of the ocean naked.]

KATE: [looking Sawyer up and down] Must be cold without your trunks.

CAPTION: "There was SHRINKAGE!!!" (This reminds me, what is Jason Alexander doing these days?)

SAWYER: You bet. How about you come a little closer and warm me up?

KATE: You sure know how to make a girl feel special, Sawyer.

[Kate walks away.]

CAPTION: Sawyer offering for Kate to be his girl-towel doesn't strike her to the core of her romantic soul? How odd. Obviously a lesbian, that Kate.

[We see Sawyer in a hotel room in bed with a woman, Jess.]

JESS: You're incredible, Sawyer.

SAWYER: I love you. Look at you. What do you want, right now?

JESS: How could I want anything else?

CAPTION: This is Jess. She is the woman Sawyer has selected as his mark for a swindling operation that is meant to make the final scene of "The Sting" seem like kindergarten. She claims that she couldn't want anything else, but if that were true, then Sawyer would have selected his mark rather imprudently. Presumably, then, we can say for certain that this isn't true - she wants something else. In fact, she wants it all - the mansion, the yacht, the reality TV show where she and Nicole Ritchie go to work on some wheat farm in the middle of Kansas. You know, the glamor package.

[Jess notices the time.]

JESS: Oh, uh-oh, baby.

SAWYER: Oh, what.

JESS: I thought you had a meeting.

SAWYER: Yeah, but it's not until 3:30.

JESS: Baby, it's 3:28.

SAWYER: Damn it.

CAPTION: It must have been the time change. Spring forward and all that. This always happens to Sawyer when it's Daylight Steal All Your Savings Time.

SAWYER: Damn it, baby, why don't you just, uh...

JESS: No, just go. You go, okay, I'll stay here -- order room service, get fat.

CAPTION: "Oh, you and that sexy talk, Jess."

SAWYER: Why don't you order a chocolate sundae -- when I get back, I'll use you as a dish.

[Sawyer pulls a brief case from on top of the armoire and money spills out.]

SAWYER: You weren't exactly supposed to see that.

CAPTION: Okay, here is something that screams "I am on the level", don't you think? Sawyer is waltzing around with a suitcase full of packets of $100 bills, wrapped and in sequential order. From this, Jess naturally gets the idea that he is a "legitimate businessman with an intriguing investment opportunity for me and my husband to consider". You know, because of how legitimate businessmen always complete transactions by means of a suitcase full of cash.

[Shot of Sawyer in the jungle. He hears rustling noises. He starts running and comes across Boone in his stuff.]

SAWYER: What are you doing in my stuff, son?

CAPTION: Of course! That's it! Boone is Sawyer's son! It all makes sense now!

[Shot of Sayid being doctored by Jack.]

JACK: This is going to hurt. Ready to tell me what happened?

CAPTION: That sounds like something a torturer might say...ha ha ha! Like there could be a torturer among the survivors...what a crazy idea! Sorry to interrupt...let's continue with the scene.

SAYID: We were trying to find the source of the distress call. I saw the flare from the beach and then the flare from Sawyer's position in the jungle. I switched on my antenna, activated the transceiver, and then darkness. Whoever hit me came from behind.

JACK: They destroyed the equipment?


CAPTION: "I mean, duh, Jack. As if someone's going to thwack me over the head whilst I'm firing up the radio, but then turn it off, thoughtfully conserving the battery so I can try to contact the outside world later."

JACK: Listen, we're going to figure this out, but don't do anything. . .

SAYID: I will do whatever I need to do to find the man responsible.

CAPTION: "Okay, Sayid, thanks for listening. Now I'm going to go over and see if I can get that brick wall to listen to me as completely as you have."

[Shannon and Boone enter the caves. Boone is wounded.]

SHANNON: We need some help over here.

JACK: What happened?

BOONE: Sawyer.

CAPTION: Don't blame Sawyer, Boone. Most of the audience has wanted to do this at one time or another - Sawyer was just the one who finally acted upon the impulse.

Act 2

[Shot of Claire writing in her diary. Charlie approaches with some water.]

CHARLIE: Morning delivery.

CLAIRE: Awww, you're sweet, thanks.

CAPTION: "And just in time for my morning sickness".

CHARLIE: Well, I figured in your condition, with the extra baggage, you know. . .

CLAIRE: Well, I can still walk.

CHARLIE: Barely. Anyway, I worry about you out here. You know, it's very -- sunny.

CLAIRE: Thus, my hat.

CHARLIE: There's plenty of hats in the caves.

CAPTION: Charlie was reading one of Jack's notes describing the caves, but it seems that Jack's handwriting is...well...the handwriting of a doctor. What he actually wrote was that there were "plenty of bats in the caves". Claire will kind of be cheesed about this mistake later.

CHARLIE: And we've got a doctor there, as well. That'll come in handy.

CLAIRE: I like the beach, Charlie.

CAPTION: She's Australian, Charlie. It's kind of like salmon having that instinct to swim upstream...Australians have this instinct that leads them inexorably to the beach. Later on, Claire will exhibit an uncontrollable urge to wear one of those shark tooth necklaces.

CHARLIE: Yeah, who wouldn't want to spend the day with sand fleas.

CLAIRE: I want to be here -- for when we get rescued.

CHARLIE: When we get rescued, right.

CAPTION: "Yeah, I'm thinking you might want to give those sand fleas individual names. Seeing as how you'll have some time to get to know them."

[Shot of Boone getting doctored by Jack.]

BOONE: Jack, it's fine. It's just a scrape.

JACK: Yeah, lots of scrapes today. I'm running out of peroxide.

BOONE: He just jumped me man. I didn't. . .

JACK: Why?

BOONE: Shannon has asthma.

CAPTION: "Well, that's understandable, Boone. Your sister having asthma makes me want to thrash you as well."

JACK: Asthma?

BOONE: Yeah.

JACK: I've never seen her have an attack before.

BOONE: Because she had an inhaler. She's sneaks hits when no one's looking. She's been embarrassed about it since she was a little kid. I guess breathing's not cool.

CAPTION: Totally. When has it ever been? Otherwise, who would smoke?

JACK: Had an inhaler?

BOONE: It ran out a couple of days ago. But I had 4 refills which should have been enough for a couple of months. But she always forgets her medication so I put it my suitcase. Today I see that jackass reading Watership Down.

JACK: You're losing me.

BOONE: It was in my bags, the stuff that I checked. If he has my book he has my luggage, if he has the luggage he has the inhalers. Her breathing got really rough today, man. If she has an attack, it's not going to be good.

CAPTION: Call Sherman Hemsley because somebody's gonna be Wheezy.

[Shot of Sawyer reading his letter, smoking a cigarette. Jack enters and starts going through Sawyer's stuff. Sawyer folds his letter fast.]

JACK: Where is it?

SAWYER: Hey, Doc. Long time no see.

JACK: Where is it?

SAWYER: Where's what?

JACK: The girl's asthma medicine. Shannon -- her inhalers.

SAWYER: Oh, that.

CAPTION: It seems like Sawyer is being evasive here, but he actually needed to be reminded of the specific thing for which Jack was looking. Sawyer's hoarded so much stuff he's having trouble keeping it all straight. Too bad one of the dead passengers didn't have a Rolodex or a ledger book or something so he could better manage his inventory of stolen crap.

JACK: You attacked a kid for trying to help his sick sister.

SAWYER: No, I whooped a thief cuz he was going through my stuff.

JACK: Yours? What makes it yours? What, you think you can just take something out of a suitcase and that makes it yours?

SAWYER: Which I had to move because everybody just wants to help themselves. Look, I don't know what kind of commie share-fest you're running over in cave town, but down here possession's 9/10ths. And a man's got a right to protect his property.

CAPTION: A few more signatures and Sawyer will be the first chairperson of the Island's local Libertarian Party.

JACK: Get up.

SAWYER: Why, you want to see who's taller?

CAPTION: Given the tenor of this conversation, it kind of sounds like lying down to see who's taller might be more appropriate."

JACK: Get up.

SAWYER: You sure you want to make this your problem, Doc?

JACK: Oh yeah. I'm sure.

[Sawyer gets up. Kate enters.]

KATE: Hey, what's going on here?

[Jack walks away, Kate follows.]

CAPTION: "Gotta play it girl's here."

[Sawyer and Jess are in the hotel room.]

JESS: You told me you were going to Baton Rouge to close a deal.

CAPTION: Ah yes, the capitol city of Louisiana...home of the honest deal.

SAWYER: Just trust me, there isn't any time to explain. I'm already late. I miss this meeting, the whole deal's a bust, alright? That's everything I have. 140,000 dollars. There's an oil mining operation in the Gulf of Mexico -- drilling platforms.

CAPTION: "Being from Louisiana, I'm sure you've never heard of 'oil mining' or 'drilling platforms in the Gulf of Mexico'...that's why I'm explaining the whole concept to you."

SAWYER: 300,000 dollars buys one share, but as soon as you invest a Government sponsored fund kicks in and triples your money in two weeks. Triples it.

CAPTION: Again, it's difficult to see why Sawyer would be able to sell this cockamamie story. No one would buy it, for obvious reasons. It's not that the government wouldn't use scoodles of taxpayer dollars to sponsor a fund to unethically funnel money to big oil companies. It's that the government wouldn't use scoodles of taxpayer dollars in any way which might benefit ordinary Americans.

JESS: 300,000?


JESS: You've got 140,000.

SAWYER: I found an investor in Toronto -- wants in 50/50.

CAPTION: Toronto is in Canada, so this means that Sawyer is lying. Of course, even if we didn't know that thing about references to Canada meaning that people are lying, we'd know this was a crock, because the Canadian dollar is worth less, so that would mean the deal was, like, 60/40.

SAWYER: In two weeks we'll be splitting almost a million bucks. Jess, this is my chance.

JESS: There's another option.

SAWYER: Yeah, and what's that?

JESS: That I give you the 160,000 and we split the profit.

SAWYER: Yeah, and how in the hell are you going to scare up 160,000 bucks?

JESS: My husband.

CAPTION: "Really? Do you really think you could get that much for him?"

[Shot of Kate and Jack on beach.]

JACK: I'm going to kill him.

KATE: That's not going to help us get the medicine.

JACK: Maybe not, but it'll feel good.

KATE: So what's stopping you?

JACK: We're not savages, Kate. Not yet.

CAPTION: "As evidenced by my declaration that thoughts of physical violence kinda make me feel nice."

KATE: Let me talk to Sawyer.

JACK: What makes you think he's going to listen to you?

KATE: He says we have a connection.

JACK: Do you?

KATE: Please.

CAPTION: Normally, this is where Chuck Woolery would cut in, turn to Kate across from him on the couch, and ask her how the rest of the date went.

[Shot of Sawyer chopping wood.]

KATE: What do you want?

SAWYER: Excuse me?

KATE: What do you want, Sawyer?

CAPTION: Yes, it's a time-honored question. In fact, Freud was the first to ask it - "What do women think Sawyer wants?"

SAWYER: Freckles, I got so many answers to that question, I wouldn't even know where to start.

KATE: What do you want for the inhalers?

SAWYER: Ah, good question. Hang on a tick.

CAPTION: "Hang on a tick"? Did Sawyer trade in his regional diction from the American South for a regional diction from the South of England? What's next for a line of dialogue? I can almost hear him saying "The name is Powers. Austin 'Sawyer' Powers. Sawyer by name, Sawyer by reputation."

SAWYER: What do I want? A kiss ought to do it.

KATE: What?

SAWYER: A kiss, from you, right now?

KATE: I don't buy it.

CAPTION: Of course not. Sawyer's buying. He wants you to sell. We thought this was clear.

SAWYER: Buy what?

KATE: The act. You try too hard, Sawyer. I ask you to help a woman who can't breathe and you want me to kiss you? Nobody's that disgusting. I've seen you, you know.

SAWYER: Seen me what?

KATE: With that piece of paper -- the one you keep in your pocket. Seen the expression on your face when you read it and how carefully you fold it up. It means something to you. So you can play games all you want, but I know there's a human being in there somewhere.

CAPTION: Kate has a special relationship with Sawyer, and you can really see that here. Everyone else on the Island would have assumed that, if there was a human being in there somewhere, it would probably be because Sawyer had cooked and eaten him.

KATE: Give me the medication.

SAWYER: You think you understand me?

KATE: Yeah. I think I have. . .

SAWYER: Shut up. You want to know what kind of human being I am? [He hands her his letter] Read it. Read it. Out loud.

KATE: Dear Mr. Sawyer, you don't know who I am but I know who you are and I know what you done. You had sex with my mother and then you stole my dad's money all away. So he got angry and he killed my mother and then he killed himself, too.

SAWYER: Don't stop now. You're just getting to the good part.

KATE: All I know is your name. But one of these days I'm going to find you and I'm going to give you this letter so you'll remember what you done to me. You killed my parents Mr. Sawyer.

SAWYER: Now about that kiss... I didn't think so.

CAPTION: Yeah, Kate is obviously going to be uninterested in you now, Sawyer. How could she have anything in common with anyone who killed someone's parent?

Act 3

[Shot of a knife sharpening a stick to a point.]

SAYID: Locke, where were you last night, around sunset?

CAPTION: This kind of question works so much better when everyone is summoned into the drawing room and the detective points an accusing finger at the person being asked.

LOCKE: Well, I'm afraid the only witness to my whereabouts is the boar that I was skinning for our dinner.

CAPTION: Sayid already knew this, due to the legwork he had already done on this case. Fortunately for Locke, the boar confirmed his story.

LOCKE: I heard you were trying to send out a distress call. So it would seem whoever attacked you has a reason for not wanting to get off the island. Maybe someone who is profiting from our current circumstances? And from what I've seen you and Mr. Sawyer share a certain animosity.

SAYID: No, he has an alibi. Just before I was struck, he set off a bottle rocket, a signal we had worked out -- 2 kilometers away. He wouldn't have the time to go. . .

LOCKE: Unless he found a way to time delay the fuse on his rocket.

SAYID: How could he possibly have. . .

LOCKE: Anyone who watches television knows how to improvise a slow fuse. Use a cigarette.

CAPTION: Okay, two things are disconcerting about what Sayid and Locke are saying here. First of all, why is Sayid - Mr. Engineering Knowhow - suddenly clueless about a logistical point regarding which Locke is capable of bringing him up to speed? Secondly, what show is Locke watching, exactly, that allowed him to assimilate this little tidbit of info about how to set off a bottle rocket with a Marlboro? And how much do you want to bet that it was produced by J. J. Abrams?

[Locke offers Sayid his knife.]

LOCKE: Just in case there's a next time.

[Shot of Shannon gasping. Shot of Jack looking through his stash of medicine. We see Sun looking on.]

BOONE: Just try to breathe. Breathe. Come on Shann work with me.

CAPTION: On the flip side, whenever Shannon can't breathe, it also means she can't talk. Enjoy the moment while you can.

[Sawyer walks to the caves to get some water. Jack approaches.]

JACK: Give me the inhalers -- now.

SAWYER: Hell, I wondered when you were going to stop asking nice.

[Jack slugs him.]

SAWYER: Well, it's about time cowboy. Been telling you since day one, we're in the wild. Didn't think you had it in you.

[Jack slugs him again.]

SAWYER: That all you got?

CAPTION: Well, that was a lot. If he hurt you any more, Sawyer, then he'd have to be a torturer or something. Ha ha ha! Like there could be a torturer on the Island! The very idea!!

[We see Sawyer at a restaurant with Jess and her husband, David.]

SAWYER: I'm not sure this is such a good idea.

JESS: Why not?

SAWYER: Because business between friends is always a little sticky. I don't know you well, but I know your wife. Working with her at the auto dealership, I'm just not sure I'm comfortable.

DAVID: Louisiana will invest two thirds of the drilling costs. What is this? A loophole?

CAPTION: "Well, you see, in Louisiana dey got dis ting called the Napoleonic Code...sez what's mine is mine and what's yours will soon be mine."

SAWYER: Look David, you're reluctant. I get it. You got your lumber yard, you don't need this.

JESS: You should do this.

DAVID: Jess, I don't even know this guy.

JESS: Show him the cash.

CAPTION: "Show him the money! Show him the money!" (*Jerry McGuire Oscar clip*)

DAVID: How do I know this is real?

SAWYER: The money? Hell, how about you hold on to it for a night. Check it out. I want you to feel secure. You know what? Let's not do this. I've got another investor who's already committed.

CAPTION: "Yes, please relax while I give away this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to somebody else. Take your time to decide. Clock's ticking. Start relaxing - NOW!"

JESS: David?

SAWYER: [putting 300 down on the table] This should cover lunch. And I'll see you Monday [to Jess]. David.

JESS: David?

DAVID: Wait.

CAPTION: Actually, this doesn't mean what you think it means. David's totally uninterested in the deal - he's just reminding Sawyer that they serve a delightful chocolate mousse at this restaurant, and it would be a shame if he left before dessert.

[Shot of Claire and Charlie on the beach.]

CLAIRE: Warm fluffy towels. Your turn.

CHARLIE: Uh, banoffee pie.

CAPTION: Um...what the hell is that? Does anyone know what that is? Anyone?!

CLAIRE: You already said that.

CHARLIE: Toffee and cream, mmmm.

CLAIRE: Is food the only thing that you miss?

CAPTION: "Well, that and the heroin."

CHARLIE: You're pregnant. I mean, do you not crave anything? Pickles, fried ice cream, chocolate?

CLAIRE: Peanut butter. I'm the only Australian who loves peanut butter.

CHARLIE: I could get you peanut butter.

CLAIRE: Sure you can.

CAPTION: Well, they told him when he got his Stop and Shop card that it would be honored anywhere...

CHARLIE: Yes, I can. And when I get you peanut butter you have to vacate this sandy shore of depression and move to the caves. Deal?


CAPTION: So, thus far on this show, we've established that Shannon's virtue is worth a fresh fish, and now that Claire will shack up with Charlie in a cave for a jar of Skippy.

[Shot of Shannon gasping.]

BOONE: Help, she's not breathing. The attacks are getting worse.

JACK: Shannon, listen to me. Look at me, look at me. You need to listen now. This isn't just the asthma, it's anxiety. It's in your head.


JACK: Yes. You know that your medicine's run out and you're panicking. Shannon, Shannon, look at me. We can fight this, together, okay? Nod your head Shannon. Good. Breathe in through. . .

BOONE: She needs her inhaler.

JACK: Boone! [to Shannon] Breathe in through your nose, slowly. No, no, no. In through the nose, like this. You can do this Shannon. You can do it. In through the nose. You got your breath. Yeah. Your color's coming back. See, I knew you could do this. Do you feel it?

CAPTION: Why don't all asthmatics do this and stop hassling us about this namby-pamby breathing thing of theirs? Honestly!


JACK: It's passing. Okay. Again, in through the nose. Alright, just keep doing that. Keep breathing like that. That's perfect, good job.

[Jack takes Boone aside.]

JACK: Keep her relaxed. Do not let her panic.

BOONE: Yeah. Yeah.

HURLEY: Wow, man. That was awesome. I mean, that was like a -- Jedi moment.

CAPTION: This is not the metaphor you're looking for. Move along.

[We see Jack walking out of the caves. Sayid follows.]

SAYID: Jack, what will happen if she doesn't get the medicine? [Jack shrugs] Then we have to make Sawyer give it to us.

JACK: Yeah, that's what I'm going to do.

SAYID: No, not you, me. I served 5 years in the Republican Guard.

CAPTION: "And, after that I switched sides and served 10 years in the Republican Party. So you can see I'm the man for the job. Don't mess with Tikrit and don't mess with Texas."

JACK: I thought you were a communications officer.

SAYID: Part of my training entailed getting the enemy to communicate. Just give me 10 minutes with him. He'll give us the medicine. [Jack doesn't respond] Is that a yes?

JACK: [taking a long moment] Yes.

CAPTION: Um, okay, the Island may have one torturer on it. Pretty sure he's the only one, though. Pretty sure.

Act 4

[Shot of Charlie and Hurley walking in the jungle.]

HURLEY: Food from the plane's been gone for over a week, dude.

CHARLIE: What, no secret stash for emergencies? You and Jack have got a bunch of stuff in that cave.

HURLEY: Sorry, man. No peanut butter. No peanuts. No nothing.

CHARLIE: Yeah, but, there's got to be something. I mean, look at you.

HURLEY: Look at what?

CHARLIE: No, no. Listen.

HURLEY: Fat guy hoarding the food, is that what you think?

CAPTION: For the record, Hurley has not been hoarding food from the plane - it really is all gone. On the other hand, he did have four or five helpings of boar last night. You know, in a lot of ways he reminds one of Obelix, chowing down on the wild boar like that. Wow, can't you just picture Hurley dressed like Obelix now? And Charlie - he could totally be Asterix...can't you just see him wearing that little hat with the wings on it?

CHARLIE: No. It's just we've been here for two weeks and you've not really. . .

HURLEY: Slimmed down much?

CHARLIE: All I need is a bag of peanuts.

CAPTION: Charlie, there's a reason that Jimmy Carter didn't come from the South Pacific.

HURLEY: I have no food, alright? And for the record, I'm down a notch in my belt. I'm a big guy, it's going to be a while before you're going to want to give me a piggy back ride, okay?

CHARLIE: Sorry. Sorry, that was bad form.

HURLEY: Yeah. I'm used to it.

CHARLIE: So, not even a bag of. . .

HURLEY: Dude. . .

CHARLIE: Okay. Alright, I'm sorry.

CAPTION: That Charlie, he thinks he's all that AND a bag of peanuts...

[Shot of Michael trying to clean a fish and getting it all over himself.]

MICHAEL: Aaah, damn, stupid.

SUN: Michael -- the sick girl. [Sun makes breathing sounds]

MICHAEL: Yeah. Asthma.

SUN: Yes, asthma. I think I can help her.

CAPTION: What, she has a better trick to cure Shannon than Jack's "breathe through your nose" gambit?

[Shot of Sawyer sleeping in an airline seat. He awakens and looks up to see Sayid.]

SAYID: [with a big metal pipe poised over Sawyer's head] Good morning.

[We see Jack and Sayid dragging Sawyer away.]

KATE: What are you doing? Jack.

JACK: This was Sawyer's choice, not mine.

CAPTION: "Yes, as you can see, this person that we are threatening with a metal pipe and dragging away has pure and unsullied freedom of choice in all things."

KATE: If you do this. . .

[We see Sawyer tied to a tree. Sayid splashes water on his face to bring him to.]

SAWYER: Well, ain't you the brave one, jumping a guy while he's napping. Uh-oh, I'm in trouble now, ain't I?

JACK: Sawyer, I'm giving you the chance to do the right thing. Now, all I want is the asthma medicine. Just tell me where the inhalers are and we'll stop.

SAWYER: Stop what, Chico?

CAPTION: This is one of Sawyer's much vaunted insults? Puh-leeze. Where does this one even come from? Is it a Marx Brothers reference? Why would Jack be one of the Marx Brothers? It doesn't even make sense. For crying out loud, he's not even exciting enough to be Zeppo, or even Gummo, for that matter...

[Shot of Sayid making bamboo spikes.]

JACK: It doesn't have to be this way.

SAWYER: Yeah, it does.

SAYID: We do not have bamboo in Iraq, although we do have something similar -- reeds. But their effect is the same when the shoots are inserted underneath the fingernails.

SAWYER: You know what I think, Ali. I think you've never actually tortured anybody in your life.

CAPTION: You want torture, go get Charlie and have him sing a few rousing choruses of "You All Everybody"...

SAYID: Unfortunately for us both, you're wrong.

[Sayid starts with the bamboo under the fingernails.]

SAWYER: That's it? That's all you got? Splinters? No wonder we kicked your ass in the Gulf. . . [he screams].

JACK: Sayid. Sayid!

SAWYER: No. Don't stop now. I think my sinuses are clearing.

CAPTION: What a discovery! Perhaps Sawyer can market this if he ever gets off the Island. "It's the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffyhead, fever so you can rest torture technique!"

JACK: What the hell is wrong with you?

SAYID: Perhaps losing an eye will loosen your tongue?

CAPTION: Sayid learned about this the hard way. The first few people he tortured, he got it backwards...they lost their tongues and it loosened their eyes.

SAWYER: Okay, okay.

SAYID: Where is it?

SAWYER: The only person I'll tell is her.

JACK: Kate?

SAWYER: That's the deal.

CAPTION: Super, this will really impress her. She couldn't but be impressed by the sight of Sawyer, whimpering and prostrate, tied to a tree, after having had the Geneva Convention violated repeatedly on his person, finally confessing where he hid a sick girl's medicine.

[We see Sawyer playing pool with his buddy Kilo in a pool hall.]

KILO: Tell me Sawyer, do you want to die? Because when a man walks in my place and tells me he left a 160,000 of my hard won dollars in the care of a civilian I've got to ask myself if what I'm hearing isn't the desperate cry for the sweet release of death.

CAPTION: No, the desperate cry for the sweet release of death won't be heard on Lost at least until the episodes with Nikki and Paulo in them.

SAWYER: Deal closed today. See, women are easy -- a few Cosmos, a couple of stunts they haven't seen between the sheets, and they think the scam's their idea. Now husbands, they need to touch the money, smell it -- believe that if they had the brass to put that suitcase in the trunk of their family sedan and speed away, they just might have a chance at being an honest-to-gosh outlaw.

KILO: Okay, Tex. You got your grift so pat, what'd you need my money for? Where's your seed from the last couple you roped?

SAWYER: Well, what can I say? I like earning it as much as I like spending it.

KILO: Be that as it may, I know a thing or two about making people suffer. Now you have my money, plus 50%, by noon tomorrow or I'll tell you all about it.

CAPTION: While we're at it, we might have him tell us where a grown man gets a name like "Kilo"? The guy actually thinks this is a cool nickname? Nothing about the metric system is cool, doesn't he know that? It's too Europe. It's like having a rapper named "50 Pence".

[Shot of Kate with Sawyer.]

KATE: So I'm here. Where is it?

SAWYER: Happy to tell you, as soon as I get that kiss.

KATE: What? Are you serious.

SAWYER: Baby, I am tied to a tree in a jungle of mystery. I just got tortured by a damn spinal surgeon and a gen-u-ine I-raqi. Of course, I'm serious. You're just not seeing the big picture here, Freckles. You really going to let that girl suffocate because you can't bring yourself to give me one little kiss? Hell, it's only first base. Lucky for you I ain't greedy.

KATE: Okay.

CAPTION: Aw, he sweettalked her into it. It isn't hard to see why this worked, though. The thought of Shannon gasping for air is certainly a terrific aphrodisiac.


[They kiss.]

SAWYER: I don't have it.

KATE: What?

SAWYER: The medicine. I don't have it, never did.

CAPTION: Of course he didn't. If he had it, it would have been Shannon he was extorting the kiss from.

KATE: The book -- they said you found it in their luggage.

SAWYER: The book washed up on shore, went in the drink with the rest of. . .

[Kate elbows him across the face.]

CAPTION: Oh, that's so cute. Kate always does that when she has a crush on someone.

[Then we see her walking toward Jack and Sayid.]

KATE: He doesn't have it.

JACK: What?

SAYID: He's lying. Can't you see that? He's been lying from the beginning. He doesn't want us to get off this island. That's why he attacked me.

JACK: Hold on a minute.

SAYID: He destroyed the transceiver.

CAPTION: He had to. It was picking up a disco station. Disco sucks, man.

JACK: You don't know that.

[Sayid runs back to Sawyer. Sawyer is loosening the bindings on his wrist. Sayid and Sawyer struggle. Sayid stabs him in the arm. Sayid holds his arms out, like it was an accident. Jack pulls the knife out, blood spurts out.]

JACK: You hit an artery. [to Sawyer] Keep still damn it. Sayid, I need my stuff from the caves, my leather backpack. Go.

CAPTION: Jack has to tend to Sawyer because he must heed the Hippocratic, so he's kind of changed it to begin "After you're done torturing someone, then, first do no harm."

[Jack is pinching Sawyer's artery closed.]

KATE: Can you make it stop?

Act 5

[Shot of Sayid back at the caves. Boone sitting with Shannon.]

BOONE: [running to Sayid] Whose blood is that? Whose blood is that?

SAYID: Sawyer.

BOONE: You went after Sawyer and you didn't even tell me? She's my sister.

CAPTION: Boone is thinking "it's just like when I was little...the big kids wouldn't ever let me play with them..."

SHANNON: Boone, don't leave me alone okay?

BOONE: I'm not going anywhere, okay?


CAPTION: "When I get better, I'll want you nearby in order that I might once again taunt you mercilessly."

[Shot of Michael coming in while Sayid runs out. Sun approaches Michael.]

MICHAEL: [holding out some branches] Are these the right ones? I think I found the right tree, but I'm guessing.

SUN: [smelling the cuttings] Just let me see. Oh yes, good.

CAPTION: "Now all we need is oregano and a dash of nutmeg, and my Spicy Island Asthma Surprise will be ready to serve."

[Jin enters, yelling. Sun walks away. Jin looks at Michael angrily.]

MICHAEL: Don't man. I'm telling you, don't.

[Shot of Kate and Jack keeping Sawyer still.]

SAWYER: Let go. I know you want to.

JACK: Shut up. And stop moving.

SAWYER: You've been waiting for this, haven't you? Now you get to be the hero again, because that's what you do -- fix everything up all nice. Tell him to let go, Freckles. We already made out, what else I got to live for? Hey, Jack, there's something you should know -- if the tables were turned, I'd watch you die.

CAPTION: Wow, that was nasty. That Sawyer certainly is nasty. If there's one word that could describe him, it is nas-ty. Okay, so now that we've established that, how many of the women watching this are totally ready to ride him like a rodeo bronco?

[We see Sawyer at David and Jess' house, finalizing the deal.]

SAWYER: Alrighty. It looks like we're in the oil business.

DAVID: We're cool?

SAWYER: Oh, we're cool.

DAVID: We get the money back?

SAWYER: Week from tomorrow, tripled.

CAPTION: Ah yes, an investment that pays dividends in ONE WEEK. Totally on the level. I don't know how anyone could doubt the legitimacy of such a business transaction.

DAVID: You're not going to skip town, are you?

JESS: David, for god's sake, he left all his money with us. We could've skipped town.

SAWYER: Smart woman you got there, David. Don't let her go.

CAPTION: Yeah, real smart. Of course, if the two of you had skipped town, Sawyer's friend, that fugitive from the metric system, would waste you so completely that even dental records would be insufficient to identify your remains.

[A kid comes into the room.]

JESS: Hi, baby. What are you doing up? Are you feeling better?

BOY: Will you read to me?

JESS: In a minute sweetheart. We have company right now.

[Sawyer is looking at the kid, very sad.]

DAVID: You okay?

SAWYER: Deal's off.

DAVID: Excuse me?

SAWYER: Deal's off, forget it.

JESS: What are you doing?

DAVID: Hold on, what is this, a joke?

SAWYER: I'm calling it off, walking away.

DAVID: You're not walking out of here. You know what I had to do for this? All this money in one day?

SAWYER: Take your hand off me, boy.

JESS: Sawyer?

DAVID: What's going on here?

JESS: This isn't how is was supposed to work. You said that we were. . .

DAVID: Said? What'd he say Jessica?

[Sawyer leaves the money and walks out.]

CAPTION: Okay, so you're all at home watching this going "What the hell?" But Sawyer has a reason for being spooked by the presence of this boy. You see, he recognized him. Deep cover FBI. Not even the parents know.

[Shot of Sawyer waking up with bandage, Kate is with him.]

KATE: You're lucky to be alive.


KATE: Went to the caves to check on Shannon. [She holds up Sawyer's letter] I read it again, and then again, because I've been trying to figure out why you beat up Boone instead of just telling him you didn't have his sister's medication. Why you pretended to have it anyway. The thing that I keep coming back around to is that you want to be hated. Then I looked at the envelope -- America's bicentennial, Knoxville, TN. You were just a kid, 8 maybe 9 years old.

CAPTION: There you have it. Sawyer's deep, dark secret. Sawyer is from Knoxville. Understandable that he would hide this. Would you want anyone to know?


KATE: This letter wasn't written to you. You wrote this letter. Your name's not Sawyer, is it?

SAWYER: It was his name. He was a confidence man. Romanced my momma to get to the money, wiped them out clean, left a mess behind. So I wrote that letter. I wrote it knowing one day I'd find him. But that ain't the sad part. When I was 19, I needed 6 grand to pay these guys off I was in trouble with. So I found a pretty lady with a dumb husband who had some money. And I got them to give it to me. How's that for a tragedy? I became the man I was hunting. Became Sawyer. Don't you feel sorry for me. [He grabs the letter from her]. Get the hell out. Get out!

CAPTION: "Wait, before you go, let me tell you another painful secret which makes me completely vulnerable and then complain some more about you being moved by my vulnerability..."

Act 6

[Shot of Sun putting a Eucalyptus paste on Shannon, holding it in front of her nose.]

BOONE: [to Jack] I don't know. It's a miracle. She just showed up with that mixture. She rubbed it on Shannon's chest and 10 minutes later she was breathing.

CAPTION: Okay, do Koreans really know herbal remedies for everything? No toothpaste on the Island? Here, Walt, brush your teeth with plants I found on the Island. No asthma inhalers? Here, Shannon, put these plants I found on the Island on your chest and watch those bronchial tubes open right on up. Various times later on, bad things will happen, medically speaking, to numerous people on this show. Why doesn't Sun just cure them all with some mashed-up tree bark or distilled mango pulp or something? Sheesh.

JACK: [smelling it] Eucalyptus -- smart Jack. [to Sun] Thank you, very much.

[Shot of Charlie gathering Claire's clothes.]

CLAIRE: What are you doing?

CHARLIE: Packing your stuff, you're moving to the caves.

CLAIRE: You didn't? Peanut butter? No way.

CHARLIE: Just like you ordered. Oh, there is one thing. It's extra smooth.

CLAIRE: That's okay.

[Charlie opens an empty jar.]

CLAIRE: It's empty.

CHARLIE: What? No, no it's not. It's full, full to the brim, with stick to the roof of your mouth, oh, god, makes you want a glass of milk extra smooth. It's the best bloody peanut butter I've ever tasted. You want some? [Claire tries the imaginary peanut butter.]

CAPTION: Claire must like Charlie. We know this because, under normal circumstances, if someone told Claire that they had a fresh, creamy jar of peanut butter and then totally hosed her like that, she'd pick up a section of broken-off airplane wing sitting nearby and clock him right in the temple.

[Shot of Kate at the beach, looking out at the ocean. Sayid walks by.]

KATE: Sayid?

SAYID: I can't stay here.

KATE: What?

SAYID: I'm leaving. I don't know for how long.

KATE: Sayid, you can't. We still don't know what's out there.

SAYID: I've worse things to fear than what's in the jungle. What I did today, what I almost did, I swore to do never again. If I can't keep that promise, I have no right to be here.

CAPTION: Sayid is tortured by the fact that he became a torturer again, when he was torturing Sawyer in order to relieve Shannon's torture at not being able to breathe. There really isn't any joke here, it's just fun to say the word "torture" over and over again. Torture torture torture torture...

KATE: There's nowhere to go.

SAYID: Someone has to walk the shore and map the island, see what else there is. I can't think of a better person to do it than the only one I trust. I hope we meet again.

[He kisses her hand and leaves.]

CAPTION: And so there you have it folks...everyone is happy now. Well, except Sawyer, because his most painful memory has been revealed to Kate. Oh, and except Sayid, because he's relived a painful memory from his past. Oh, and except Jack, because he's descended to the level of savagery in his behavior towards Sawyer. Oh, and except Kate, because she's been treated so poorly by Sawyer and also lost some confidence in Jack. Oh, and except Shannon, who is now really embarrassed because everyone knows she has asthma, which is, like, totally uncool. Oh, and except Claire, who is now painfully aware, because of Charlie's ridiculous attempts to please her, that there is not even a tiny chance there is peanut butter on this island. Come to think of it, after this episode, it's pretty clear that most people on the Island think things generally suck. Oh well. Maybe things will change by next week.

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