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Disenhanced Episode 4: Walkabout

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In this "disenhanced" episode, we get to know freaky bald guy John Locke a little bit better...his likes, his dislikes, his pet peeves...which 900 number service he prefers...that sort of thing. (Actually, I understand there's one 900 service he really likes - he pays $89.95 an hour to someone who "tells him what he can't do". All right, that one was too easy.)

So here we go in the continuing and apparently interminable series of "disenhanced episodes" - episode 4, entitled "Walkabout". Incidentally, for clarification purposes, a "walkabout" is an activity derived from Australian aboriginal culture, involving the ritual practice of Australian travel agents fleecing tourists from outside Australia, who have been fed some line about self-exploration and getting to know themselves, out of their life savings.

Act 1

[Locke's eye opens. Shot of him lying on beach, angle up from his feet. Shot of engine still turning; Shannon screaming; Locke looking around; Jin screaming; Locke wiggling his toe, grabbing his shoe, moving slowly. Sound of dog barking. Shot of Locke awake in the dark, looking around the crash area. Pans to Walt and Michael.]

MICHAEL: Walt, you gotta keep that dog quiet.

WALT: I don't know what's wrong with him. Come on, Vincent, cut that out.

CAPTION: "Michael! Walt! I've been doing some exploring! There's a giant hatch! And a ship from the 19th Century with lots of dynamite in the hold! And there's this lagoon with a Halliburton case at the bottom - I think it may have stolen jewels in it...oh crap, forgot, no one here speaks Dog."

[Shot of the dog dragging Walt by the leash out of their sleeping area. He goes over by Boone and Shannon who wake up.]

MICHAEL: Sorry, hey, sorry, sorry.

[Shot of Jin and Sun waking up. Sound of rummaging in the plane; Sayid looking around for what's wrong; sound of grunting; Hurley and Claire looking around; Charlie, redshirt waking up; Jack running up to where everyone else is. Kate sitting up. More sounds of rummaging, growling.]

KATE: What is it?

CLAIRE: Somebody's in there.

SAYID: Everyone in there's dead.

CAPTION: Except those who have read Gary Troup's book Bad Twin, but those people wish they were.

JACK: Sawyer.

SAWYER: Right behind you, Jackass.

CAPTION: This is like the first part of the horror movie. If this were being shown in a movie theatre, this would be the part where people would stand up and yell at the screen "Don't go in there! Man, you're so stupid!" But they always go in there, don't they?

[Jack pulls a little flashlight out of his pocket and goes toward the plane. Sawyer follows with a big flashlight.]

KATE: Jack?

[Shot of inside plane. They are trying to see inside into the dark.]

SAWYER: I'm gonna shed some light on this thing.

[They see the animal look over its shoulder.]

JACK: Run.

[They all start running.]

HURLEY: Oh crud, now what?

CAPTION: Yes, we know, we know. This is such a boar.

[Sayid helping Claire. Boone helping Shannon. Jin helping Sun. Sawyer with Kate. Somebody knocks Charlie down. Jack helps Charlie. Shot of three boars running into the woods.]

SAYID: They're gone.

CHARLIE: What the bloody hell was that?

LOCKE: Boars.

CAPTION: Why does Locke know all about this, you may ask? Simple. He likes to read up on past military campaigns, and this was a lot like those books he read about the Boar Wars.

Act 2

[Shot of Jack doctoring a scrape on Charlie's side.]

JACK: Those boars were looking to feed. We have to get rid of the bodies.

CHARLIE: Bury them? There's a whole bunch in there.

SAYID: More than twenty. Digging will be difficult without shovels.

CAPTION: There were some that were supposed to be in with the luggage, but Oceanic made a mistake and sent the shovels off to Buffalo. (Oh brother. That one was sad.)

JACK: We're not burying them. We need to burn them.

KATE: They're people.

CAPTION: This is a good point. Why don't they just make some tasty Soylent Green?

JACK: I know they're people, Kate.

SAYID: Burning the remains, they deserve better than that.

JACK: Better than what? Being eaten by wild animals? Because that's what's going to happen. Any bodies we bury are not going to stay buried for very long. Look, I know this seems harsh, but that fuselage in the sun—it's not about what they deserve. They're gone, and we're not.

CAPTION: Whatever happened to this theory of Jack's about burying bodies? Do we have an exact count of how many people the survivors have buried in subsequent episodes of the show? Okay, actually, it can be conceded there might actually be some rationale for this. If they bury some bodies at some point, then there's an excuse to use that song on the soundtrack with the refrain "They're gonna wash away, they're gonna wash away."

SAYID: What you say may be true, but for us to decide how these people are laid to rest—it's not right. No regard for their wishes? Their religions?

JACK: We don't have time to sort out everybody's god.

CHARLIE: Really, last I heard we were positively made of time.

CAPTION: Which is fortunate because food supplies are dwindling and they're running out of parsley, sage and rosemary.

JACK: Look, I'm not happy about it either, but we crashed a thousand miles off course. They're looking for us in the wrong place. It's been 4 days, no one's come. Tomorrow morning we need everyone to start gathering up wood, dried brush, and turn that fuselage into a furnace. Wait until the sun goes down tomorrow night before we start the fire. [Jack exits]

CHARLIE: If he's so eager to burn the bodies why are we waiting until sundown?

KATE: He's hoping someone will see it.

CAPTION: Not in order to get rescued. He wants there to be some buzz in SoHo about his performance art concept.

[Shot of Sayid at the beach with electronic equipment. Kate approaches.]

KATE: Looks like I'm not the only who couldn't sleep last night.

SAYID: There are better things to do with my time than collect firewood.

CAPTION: This is true, but at this point in the show, Shannon doesn't even like Sayid yet.

KATE: You don't agree with Jack. What are you making?

SAYID: Too soon to talk about. I'm not sure it will even work.

KATE: You're trying to pick up the transmission aren't you? The one we heard on the transceiver.

SAYID: If the French woman's transmission has truly been playing on a loop for 16 years then there must be a power source on the island. A significant one.

CAPTION: Either that, or they were using Energizer batteries. Those things keep going, and going, and going...

KATE: And you can find it?

SAYID: Hypothetically, yes. I'm making an antenna of sorts. With a few of these mounted at different points on the island I may be able to use the transceiver to triangulate the signal, find out where it's coming from.

KATE: So what can I do to help?

SAYID: It appears you are as anxious to get off this island as I am.

CAPTION: That's kind of strange. We already know that Kate isn't particularly anxious to get off the island. So what's her reason for offering to help? Here are some potential theories. Theory one - Kate thinks Sayid is going to go on a mission somewhere on the island, so she's just positioning herself to volunteer for that mission, like she always friggin' does. Theory two - if the other survivors are rescued, she can stay on the island and totally corner the real estate market...

[Kate looks down. Shot of Michael walking back from getting wood, coming to beach. Shot of Locke with a silver case.]

WALT: [off camera] Fetch the ball, Vincent. Good boy, good job Vincent.

MICHAEL: Hey, hey, where you going man?

WALT: Nowhere, I just thought I'd see what Mr. Locke was doing.

MICHAEL: Hey, why don't you help your dad with the wood. I'm sure Mr. Locke doesn't want a kid hanging around him all day anyway.

CAPTION: It's not that he doesn't want a kid hanging around him, it's that he forgot to pack enough rope.

WALT: At least he talks to me. Come on, Vincent.

[Shot of feet, a backpack, a scuffle.]

HURLEY: What's your problem? Hand them over.

SAWYER: How about no?

HURLEY: There's other people here or don't you give a crap?

CAPTION: There's other people here AND he doesn't give a crap.

SAWYER: Well if one of us wouldn't eat more than his fair share …

HURLEY: Oh that's bull and you know it. You're not happy unless you're screwing over everybody …

SAWYER: Hey I'm peachy, pork pie.

CAPTION: Pork pie? They seem to still have not hired Sawyer's insult writers yet.

[In the background we can hear someone saying knock it off.]

JACK: [entering] Guys, knock it off.

SAWYER: Stay out of this, metro.

CAPTION: Ooh, Sawyer, that's telling him. That Jack, he's a cultured person from a large population center who dresses well. Now that Sawyer has called him that, Jack will have to hide his face in shame from all the other survivors.

[Jack and Sayid come and break up the fight.]

JACK: What's going on?

HURLEY: Jethro here's hoarding the last of the peanuts.

CAPTION: As of this episode, Hurley's still higher on the insult charts than Sawyer. Do you think maybe the writers of this show missed a golden opportunity in making Hurley a nice guy and Sawyer the nasty one?

SAWYER: My own stash. I found it in there.

JACK: What about the rest of the food?

HURLEY: There is no rest of the food, dude. We kind of—ate it all.

CAPTION: Okay, let's get this straight. Sayid, in the last episode, had organized umpteen teams of survivors to get working on various things relevant and crucial to their survival...and it's only now occurring to them that, dang it, the food's run out?

SHANNON: What?

[Shot of everyone looking shocked and bummed.]

JACK: Okay everybody, just calm down.

SAYID: We can find food. There are plenty of things on this island we can use for sustenance.

CAPTION: "And nobody likes Boone anyway..."

SAWYER: [sitting down in an airplane seat] And exactly how are we going to find this sustenance?

[A knife is thrown into the seat next the one Sawyer is sitting in. Everyone looks back at Locke.]

LOCKE: We hunt.

CAPTION: Locke's just proved he is hardly the great hunter he's trying to show that he is. After all, he had an easy target in Sawyer and he totally missed him.

[Jack grabs the knife.]

KATE: How'd you get that knife on the plane?

LOCKE: Checked it.

CAPTION: The original plan was to have the security staff put the box of knives in the cargo hold of the plane, fly to Los Angeles, then go to the baggage claim, pick up the box, open it up and skewer like kebabs anyone within 300 feet of the luggage conveyor.

JACK: [handing the knife back to Locke] You either have very good aim, or very bad aim, Mr. … .

MICHAEL: Locke. His name is Locke.

JACK: Okay Mr. Locke, what is it that we're hunting?

CAPTION: Wabbits.

LOCKE: We know there are wild boar on the island. Razorbacks, by the look of them. The one's that came into the camp last night were piglets, 100, 150 pounds each. Which means that there's a mother nearby. A 250 pound rat, with scimitar-like tusks, and a surly disposition, who'd love nothing more than to eviscerate anything that comes near. Boar's usual mode of attack is to circle around and charge from behind so I figure it'll take at least three of us to distract her long enough for me to flank one of the piglets, pin it, and slit its throat.

CAPTION: "Just to make sure they're dead, we'll all have to stomp on their skulls. Wear shoes that you can easily clean, as there will be a lot of blood. Probably it will cake on the side of your shoes, and it may leave an unpleasant odor for approximately one to three years. It will be easier to crack the skulls of the young boars, as they are less developed. I will probably want to keep the skull of the mother boar, however, as a crown that I will wear in impromptu ceremonies we will convene to honor me and my skills as a warrior. We can recycle the fecal material which may still be in the boar's lower intestines to use as fertilizer, which might be useful either in planting crops on the Island, or in case anyone ever establishes federal government institutions here at some later point. Got all that?"

SAWYER: [to Jack] And you gave him his knife back?

JACK: Well, if you've got a better idea.

SAWYER: Better than the three of you wandering into the magic forest to bag a hunk of ham with nothing but a little bitty hunting knife? Hell no, it's the best idea I ever heard.

[Locke opens his case which is full of knives. Everyone looks like "okay"????]

CAPTION: Not a "little bitty hunting knife". Locke has the whole damn Ginsu collection. In addition to being able to cleave in twain any boar which may be dumb enough to get within 5 miles of the survivor's camp, Locke will probably be able to use these to cut open some tin cans. (But why would he want to do that?)

HURLEY: Who is this guy?

[FLASHBACK]

[We hear the sound of a phone ringing, and see Locke in an office, answering it.]

LOCKE: Yes?

GL12: Col. Locke is this line secure?

[Locke looks around like he's checking if anyone's listening.]

LOCKE: Line secure GL12, go ahead.

GL12: Target area is acquired. Maneuvers are a go for 13:00 hours. Repeat: we are a go.

CAPTION: GL12 is an operative working out of the Marine Corps base at Quantico with high-level clearance in so-called "dirty ops". Locke is, in fact, his commanding officer, but this mission they are on is so secret that they needed to create a convincing alibi to conceal what they're working on, lest some nosy reporter from the Los Angeles Times poke his nose where it doesn't belong - in which case, they'll have to solve the problem the way they did in Bakersfield, which involved paying off the coroner's office and "having a little chat" with several witnesses. Locke had the idea that pretending he was a pathetic mid-level employee at a box company with an inordinate love of nerdy wargames might afford them just the kind of "deep cover" they required.

LOCKE: Roger that. We'll convene at the usual rendezvous point at 13:00 hours.

RANDY: [Locke's boss] Locke. I told you I need those TPS reports done by noon today. Not 12:30, not 12:15, noon.

[Wide shot of a bunch of cubicles.]

LOCKE: I heard you the first time, Randy.

RANDY: And no personal calls during office hours, Col.

[Shot of Locke crunching numbers.]

CAPTION: Pan out to another cubicle, where a guy named Milton is muttering to himself - "I'll show you. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna...set the whole place on fire..."

Act 3

[Shot of Kate slipping a knife into a sheath at her waist. Jack enters.]

JACK: So? Hunting boar, now, huh?

KATE: Who says it's my first time boar hunting?

JACK: Uh-huh. Tell me something, how come every time there's a hike into the heart of darkness you sign up? You know what's in there.

CAPTION: Why, Jack is right - it's yet another mission upon which Kate has volunteered to come. FOUR.

KATE: Actually, I don't. And neither do you.

JACK: What's your feel on our new friend?

KATE: Seems to know what he's doing.

JACK: Call me paranoid, but anyone who packs a suitcase full of knives?

CAPTION: That reminds one of the charming old nursery rhyme. "Sing a song of sixpence, suitcase full of knives..."

KATE: If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're worried about me, Jack.

JACK: If I didn't know any better, I'd say you have a problem staying in one place for very long, Kate. So, you want to tell me why you're really going?

CAPTION: Peer pressure. She's like one of those girls from the 50s who could only be with the guys in the gang that were carrying around switchblades and zip guns.

KATE: [showing the antenna to Jack] Sayid gave me this so he can triangulate the distress signal we heard—find the source.

JACK: This isn't about boars.

KATE: I'm a vegetarian.

CAPTION: It's sort of disappointing the writers didn't choose to go this route. They could have made it so boars were the only source of food on the Island. No fruits, no vegetables. Just lots and lots of meat. That could have been pretty interesting, huh? "We have lots of food from today's hunt, so everyone will be able to join in a grand feast! Oh, except for Kate, who will have a nice plate of yummy twigs."

[Shot of Walt of Michael.]

WALT: But, why can't I come?

MICHAEL: Because I said so.

[Shot of Sun walking with some plants.]

MICHAEL: [getting Sun's attention] Hi, hi, excuse me. Um, I am going off, away, to hunt, and um, I was wondering if you could keep an eye on my boy, Walt. And, I'm Michael. Anyway, could you watch him for me, until I come back?

SUN: 아… 아드님은 제가 잘 돌보고 있을게요. 예…

CAPTION: "Yes, hot stuff...anything for you, stud muffin..."

MICHAEL: Sorry I don't understand, but you're cool with this, right? [giving her the okay sign with his hand]

[Sun nods and gives the okay sign.]

WALT: I don't need a babysitter.

MICHAEL: Come on, Vincent needs you here.

CAPTION: Yes. Vincent requires this. It is your destiny.

MICHAEL: And, hey, cheer up. This will give me a chance to get to know your friend Mr. Locke a little better.

SUN: 너무 걱정하지 마. 아버지 괜찮으실 거야.

CAPTION: "Do you think your father would notice me more if I wore my thong?"

WALT: Yeah, whatever.

[Shot of Jack stacking wood, Claire enters.]

CLAIRE: Excuse me. Doctor?

JACK: Claire, right? How's the [pointing to her belly].

CAPTION: Jack specializes in orthopedic surgery, so he's a little unclear on obstetric terminology.

CLAIRE: Oh, he's good, yeah, thanks. Um, I thought maybe you should see this [she hands him a stack of papers]. Someone found it in there. They're collecting all the belongings. They're wedding plans for Steve and Kristin. There were on the plane sitting a couple of rows behind me. I remember because they looked so happy.

JACK: I don't understand, Claire, what am I supposed to do with this?

CLAIRE: Oh, well, um, some of us were wondering if maybe we should do some kind of memorial service, or something. You could lead it.

CAPTION: Come on Jack, it won't require much work. The eulogy could be nice and short. "They lived, they died, now they're gonna go whoosh in a big ball of flame."

JACK: Uh, no, I don' think it …

CLAIRE: Well, you know, just a few words, or we could just read their names from passports, and drivers …

JACK: Look, it's not my thing.

CLAIRE: Oh, okay. Maybe I'll do it.

JACK: Yeah, sounds fine. Whatever everybody wants.

CAPTION: If Jack has any of those little bottles of hootch from the plane left over, maybe they could have a wake...

[Shot of Boone looking at Rose sitting alone on the beach away from everyone.]

BOONE: [to Shannon] That woman's still sitting there.

SHANNON: [not looking up from a crossword she's doing] Mmmhmmm.

BOONE: Her husband was on the plane.

SHANNON: Right.

BOONE: Are you even listening to me?

SHANNON: What's a four letter word for I don't care.

CAPTION: This just in to the news desk - Shannon is at a loss for a four-letter word.

BOONE: I just think somebody should go talk to her.

SHANNON: I nominate you, Captain America. You just can't help yourself, can you?

BOONE: Yeah, well, at least you don't have to worry about starving with me taking care of you.

CAPTION: If she's sensible, Shannon will worry more about starving with Boone taking care of her.

SHANNON: I'm not going to starve.

BOONE: Right, what are you going to eat?

SHANNON: The ocean's full of fish.

BOONE: I hate to break it to you—the ocean is not going to take your gold card.

CAPTION: Even the ocean knows that Shannon is over her credit limit.

SHANNON: You really don't think I can't catch a fish?

CAPTION: Yeah, Shannon knows all about...um...bait.

[Shot of Locke in the jungle digging in the ground with his knife.]

KATE: You find something?

LOCKE: The ground here has been rooted up. That's how boars get the majority of their food, they dig. Afterwards they generally wallow in the dirt, rub up against the trees, scoring them with their tusks.

CAPTION: "Look, you can see here how they've slimed the area with a special secretion they expel from an orifice midway down their body. This secretion is a mixture of gastric juices and reproductive material. Look at their tracks, you can see how over time bacteria from the bottom of their hooves has collected into this small gulley. Don't touch it! You may get botulism."

MICHAEL: Okay. So what's all that mean?

LOCKE: Means we're close.

CAPTION: This part of our telecast is sponsored by Boarger King. Have it your way, after tracking it yourself!

[Shot of Charlie getting drugs out of his baggie. Close up of hands. Shannon appears.]

SHANNON: Hi.

CHARLIE: Hi. (putting the drugs back in his pocket). Shannon, right?

SHANNON: Yeah. Are you doing anything?

CHARLIE: Me? No, I was just, uh. What are you doing?

CAPTION: "If I got caught? About ten to twenty."

SHANNON: I was just going to go for a walk. Do you want to come?

CHARLIE: Yeah, Yes, sure.

SHANNON: Can I ask you something?

CHARLIE: Oh, I wondered when this was going to come up. Yes, I'm the bass guitarist in D …

SHANNON: Do you know anything about fishing?

CHARLIE: What? Fishing? My grand-dad used to take me out, taught me everything he knows. Everything he knew, he's dead now, god rest his soul. Yeah, I'm like a … I'm a fishing fiend. I mean England's an island so I just throw it in and … fish.

SHANNON: Good.

CAPTION: We'll come back to Shannon shamefully using Charlie for his alleged pescatorial skills in a moment, when this installment of The Fishin' Musician continues...

[Shot of wheelchair being used as a wheelbarrow for wood. Boone enters toward Jack.]

BOONE: Hey doc, you got a second?

JACK: What's up?

BOONE: The woman's been sitting over there by herself. Maybe she's having trouble dealing with her husband? I don't think she's had anything to eat or drink. Think maybe you can go talk to her?

JACK: Why me? I'm not a psychiatrist. I mean, maybe you should …

CAPTION: Oh yeah, send Mr. Competence in there. When he's done with her, Rose will probably bury her head in the sand like an ostrich.

BOONE: I just thought you might want to do it. You're the one that saved her life.

[Shot of Rose holding a wedding band around her neck. Jack enters with water and puts a blanket around her shoulders.]

JACK: Hi. Rose, right? Remember me, seat 23A? I'm the guy that told you not to worry about the turbulence. Everybody's getting pretty worried about you, Rose. If you want to be alone that's fine, but you have to take care of yourself. You should really drink. Okay. We don't have to talk. Let's just sit for a while.

CAPTION: "Also, from time to time, you may wish to continue breathing. When the mood strikes you. Seeing as how it's necessary to maintain life and all. Just a suggestion. Allowing your heart to continue beating might also be a plus."

[Kate, Locke and Michael in jungle.]

KATE: Your son, how's he handling all of this?

MICHAEL: A hell of a lot better than I am.

KATE: You must be proud. He's a brave kid.

CAPTION: As evidenced by his lack of fear talking to someone who is as much of a freak show as Locke is.

MICHAEL: Yeah. I can't take credit for that. I wasn't part of his life. Till his mother passed away, two weeks ago.

KATE: I'm sorry. I didn't know.

MICHAEL: That's okay. There were living in Sydney the past couple of years. I flew out last week, you know, to go get him. What were you doing in Australia?

CAPTION: "Time served, mostly."

[Shot of Locke, listening to boar noises.]

LOCKE: Shhh.

[Locke sees tusk marks on a tree. Gives hand signals to direct the others.]

MICHAEL: Hey, quit giving us the steal signal.

CAPTION: Indeed, that doesn't make much sense. Michael's really slow. He's more of a power hitter, so the better strategy is to look for the fastball and go for the three-run homer.

[A boar suddenly runs at them. Locke gets Kate out of the way. Michael gets gored. Michael screaming. Locke laying on the ground with knife sticking up phallically.]

CAPTION: Make up your own joke here.

[Kate helps Michael. Same ankle-up shot of Locke as when he comes to on the beach. He doesn't move right away. Michael is moaning.]

KATE: He's bad.

[FLASHBACK]

GL12: Move. You've got to move Col.

CAPTION: This is code for "You will need to, at my signal, turn the wheel and leave the Island."

[Shot of an army game like Risk.]

GL12: Your troops are across enemy lines.

CAPTION: This is code for "It will be necessary to cross the sonic fence."

[Shot of Locke in an office break room.]

LOCKE: Patience, the quality which you lack, GL12, is the hallmark of a leader.

CAPTION: This is code for "I will remain at The Orchid until I receive your signal."

[Randy walks in the break room.]

RANDY: Hallmark, huh? Tell me more about being a leader, Locke. While you're at it, tell me about this Col. thing. I cruised your file in human resources, you've never been in any of the armed forces.

CAPTION: Or so the Pentagon would have us believe...

LOCKE: I'm just playing a game, Randy. It's my lunch hour, I can play a game.

RANDY: Well, tell me, what's a Walkabout?

CAPTION: "About two or three miles, if you're really into the cardio."

RANDY: [reading from a brochure]: "Experience the dream journeys of the fabled Australian Outback."

LOCKE: You have no right taking that off my desk.

CAPTION: Actually he does. It's in the section of the contract which includes the right to belittle you in front of your friends and the right to harass you about TPS reports being a minute and fifteen seconds late.

RANDY: So, you wander around hunting and gathering food, right? On foot?

LOCKE: Not that you would understand, but a Walkabout is a journey of spiritual renewal, where one derives strength from the earth. And becomes inseparable from it. I have vacation days, I'm going, Randy. I've already made a reservation.

CAPTION: People aware of John's situation have several reservations, in fact.

GL12: Wow. John you're really doing it, huh? You tell Helen yet?

CAPTION: In this case, "Helen" is the code name for the MI-5 operative that will be coordinating all on-island ops. (The fact that Locke also happens to have a phone sex girl by that name is unknown to GL12, despite his high clearance.)

RANDY: Helen? Well, what's this Locke, you've actually got a woman in your life.

LOCKE: That's none of your business.

RANDY: What is it with you Locke? Why do you torture yourself?

CAPTION: No, no, he pays someone $89.95 an hour to do that. More on this later.

RANDY: I mean, imagining you're some hunter? Walkabouts? Wake up, you can't do any of that.

LOCKE: Norman Croucher.

RANDY: What? Norman what?

LOCKE: Norman Croucher. Norman Croucher, double amputee, no legs. He climbed to the top of Mt. Everest. Why? It was his destiny.

CAPTION: The inspiring story of this man's loss of his legs to a jungle cat, followed by his dramatic dragging of his body up the side of the highest mountain in the Himalayas, was the subject of the box office smash hit Croucher's Tiger, He Done Dragged On.

RANDY: That's what you think you've got, old man? Destiny?

LOCKE: Just don't tell me what I can't do.

CAPTION: "Or I'll be forced to agree with you and slink off pathetically into a corner."

KATE: [off camera at first] He's hurt. John? Can you hear me? Locke?

[Locke is still lying there.]

KATE: John you okay?

[Shot from the foot angle again.]

CAPTION: Hmm...the camera guy on Lost must really like to show us Locke's feet. Could there be any...um...significance to that? Beyond a foot fetish, that is?

KATE: Locke?

LOCKE: [moving] I'm fine. I'm fine, Helen, I just got the wind knocked out of me is all.

KATE: Helen?

CAPTION: Oh great, another big reveal for Season Six blown.

LOCKE: What?

KATE: You called me Helen.

LOCKE: Did I?

[Kate is tending to Michael, making a tourniquet.]

LOCKE: Which way did that boar go?

KATE: Michael's hurt. We have to get him back to camp.

CAPTION: Yeah, but after that, see if you ever get him back in the 'haunted damn jungle'...

LOCKE: Yeah, you take him back to camp. I'm going to get that boar.

[Kate looks shocked.]

KATE: What are you talking about?

LOCKE: I'm fine. I can do this.

KATE: John, you can't.

LOCKE: Don't tell me what I can't do.

CAPTION: As you can see by the look in his eyes, Locke is worried, very worried, about...the Road Runner effect. Remember, since no one told the Road Runner what it can't do, it doesn't know. It is, therefore, completely unaffected by the Law of Gravity, due to the fact that it "never studied law." You tell the Road Runner what it can't do, it's giblets at the bottom of that canyon.

Act 4

[Shot of Hurley and Charlie in the surf trying to fish with a stick with a piece of airplane shrapnel.]

CHARLIE: Did you get it?

HURLEY: Dude, quit asking me that.

CHARLIE: Sorry. You, you said you knew how to fish.

CAPTION: He also told people he knew how to play bass guitar. Charlie has kind of a casual relationship with the truth.

HURLEY: Yeah, off the Santa Monica pier with my old man and a fishing pole and bait. Never had to try and poke one with a sharp stick.

CHARLIE: Well, I really appreciate you trying to help me out, thanks.

HURLEY: Anything to keep me far away from that fuselage and that freakin' redneck jerk. [Hurley spears again and misses] Crap, crap, crap, son of a …

CAPTION: Hurley's problem is that Charlie is the wrong pop star to have brought with him to catch fish. If he could have had his choice, he would have preferred to see how Britney spears.

CHARLIE: Can I have a go?

HURLEY: Knock yourself out. Here comes one. Put your weight into it. Now, you see it? Wait for it, wait … now. [Charlie lunges and misses]. Dude, you've got to try to pin it.

CHARLIE: You see how close I was? No, you just have to corner it.

CAPTION: Ask any woman on the Island how good Charlie is at cornering things.

[Shot of Sayid on the beach with a hand full of wires, next to Claire sorting through stuff.]

CLAIRE: Excuse me, your name's Sayid, right?

SAYID: Yes.

CLAIRE: I just found this. It's got your name on it. [She hands him an envelope].

SAYID: I thought I'd lost this. Thank you.

CLAIRE: Sure.

[Sayid opens the envelope which has pictures of a woman, he rubs his thumb over a picture of her face.]

CAPTION: Sayid's last mailing from the "Burqa Of The Month Club".

[Shot of Jack and Rose.]

ROSE: His fingers swell.

JACK: Sorry?

ROSE: Bernard, my husband, his hands swell up whenever we fly.

JACK: The altitude.

CAPTION: Do you suppose Bernard put this down in his profile on Lavalife? "Hi, I'm Bernard Nadler, a dentist from Buffalo. My hands swell up when I fly." He'd have to beat back droves of eligible women with a stick.

ROSE: He started having me hold onto his wedding ring whenever we took a plane trip. Always wore it around my neck for safe keeping. Just until we landed. You know, doctor, you don't have to keep your promise.

JACK: Promise?

ROSE: The one you gave me on the plane. The one you made me—to keep me company until my husband got back from the restroom. I'm letting you off the hook.

CAPTION: Actually, that's kind of plot point we need to discuss here. How many bathrooms does this plane have? Charlie was toking up in the bathroom at the time of the crash, right? What's the scoop on this? What was Bernard really doing?

JACK: Well, you're not going to get rid of me that easily. Rose, you shouldn't be out here alone. You're suffering from Post Traumatic Shock.

ROSE: Aren't we all?

JACK: Yeah, I guess we are.

ROSE: You have a nice way about you. A good soul, patient, caring. I suppose that's why you became a doctor.

JACK: Thanks, but I was just kind of born into it. Family business.

CAPTION: He had a choice between two family businesses. He went on the family track of his father, which meant he became a doctor. If he went with his mother's family track, he would be capo for all of southern New Jersey.

[Shot of Locke out hunting alone.]

[FLASHBACK]

[Locke is in his bed in a studio apartment talking on the phone.]

LOCKE: I have never felt so alive. Getting to finally tell Randy off was … life changing. I mean it, now I'm free to do all those things I ever wanted to do. Things that I know I was destined to do, like we talked about Helen.

HELEN: That's wonderful John. I'm happy for you, really.

LOCKE: I haven't even told you the best part. [He reaches over and turns a machine off by his bed] You remember the authentic aboriginal Walkabout?

HELEN: Sure. That's all you've talked about for weeks.

LOCKE: Yeah, well, I'm going to do it. I'm flying to Australia at the end of the week. And I've, uh. I bought two tickets. Helen?

HELEN: John, we've talked about this. I like you and I've enjoyed talking with you these past few months.

LOCKE: 8 months.

HELEN: I'm not allowed to meet customers.

CAPTION: Yeah, those phone sex businesses, they're all about following rules.

LOCKE: Customer? Is that what I am to you?

HELEN: This isn't really normal. I mean, it isn't what I do. I don't know, maybe you should find a … I don't know … a therapist?

LOCKE: I have a therapist.

HELEN: John.

LOCKE: I thought you understood Helen. You know me better than anyone.

HELEN: John, if we talk any longer, I'm going to have to charge you for another hour. That's another 89.95 and …

CAPTION: "And I just want you to formally agree to that before I hang up on you, so I can charge it to your card. Have I mentioned that I redecorated my entire living room off the proceeds from your calls alone?"

LOCKE: Look, I don't care about the money. I just …

HELEN: I'm sorry John, I've got to go.

LOCKE: [we hear the click of the hang up] Helen, Helen. Helen!

[Locke slams the phone down several times.]

CAPTION: Really, hanging up on him like that was not the smartest career move for Helen, as Locke was her best regular customer, and it'll be difficult to keep up with the house payments now that she's cut him off. She has a hell of a mortgage.

[Back on the island Kate is helping Michael back to camp. They stop.]

KATE: Hey, hey wait a minute. Rest here for a minute.

[Kate is taking off her backpack and over-shirt.]

MICHAEL: I thought the guy with the gimpy leg should be deciding when we rest.

CAPTION: Wrong show...and the guy with the gimpy leg is the one who decides what the correct diagnosis must be, after first thoroughly harassing his diagnostic medicine staff and insulting the families of the patients.

MICHAEL: What are you doing?

KATE: Trying to boost the transceiver signal. I'm going to climb this tree and attach the antenna.

MICHAEL: You're going to climb that?

KATE: Yeah. Don't worry. I've climbed a lot worse.

CAPTION: Again, make up your own joke here.

[Kate climbs the tree; shot of Locke hiking; Michael adjusting his bandage; Kate taking the antenna out of her pack. Everything shakes and we hear the metallic/growling noise. Kate drops the antenna. Kate sees the monster going toward Locke.]

KATE: Locke.

[Shot of Locke in the jungle. He hears the sound of boars and starts to run toward them. Then we can hear the metallic sound and see the trees moving. Locke halts and looks up, backs away a bit. Camera is monster POV looking at Locke. Close up of Locke looking amazed.]

CAPTION: Cut to soundtrack music of "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes".

Act 5

[Shot of people on the beach, Claire, Sawyer.]

SAWYER: [to Claire] Hey, uh, these were, um. I found these the other day when I was … Alright, just, just take them. [He hands her a stack of wallets]

CLAIRE: Thank you.

CAPTION: When a child in Australia, Claire was very influenced by Woodsy Owl's "Give a hoot, don't go loot" campaign.

[We see Walt and Sun on the beach. Sun is breaking a piece of a plant off.]

WALT: What is that?

[Sun shows Walt how to brush his teeth with it.]

WALT: Oh, I get it. It's like toothpaste.

SUN: 치약.

CAPTION: "Type-of-plant-usable-to-grow-inside-pathetic-looking-clay-animals."

WALT: Chia?

[Shot of Kate helping Michael back. Hurley runs up.]

WALT: Dad?

HURLEY: So, like, what happened out there?

WALT: Your leg's all messed up. Does it hurt?

MICHAEL: It's okay, not as bad as it looks.

SAWYER: The mighty huntress returns. What's for dinner, hon …

CAPTION: This doesn't really work. Kate's not really the Xena type. She's more of a Gabrielle.

KATE: Not now.

WALT: So, it was like a boar fight?

MICHAEL: Not too much of a fight. It was more like me getting gored.

WALT: So, um, where's Mr. Locke?

[Shot of Boone walking up to Shannon]

BOONE: I don't think the hunt went very well. The bald guy never game back.

SHANNON: Wait, they didn't bring back any food at all?

BOONE: Did you hear what I just said? Somebody might have died out there.

SHANNON: Well, we're all going to die if somebody doesn't do something.

CAPTION: We'd like to interrupt the dialogue for a moment to award Shannon Rutherford an honorary Doctorate in the Humanities for her selfless concern for the well-being of others. Okay, back to the action.

CHARLIE: [approaching] There you are. As promised, you and I will be dining of fresh catch of the day.

SHANNON: [squealing] Oh my god!

CHARLIE: I hope you don't mind al fresco. It was no problem. You know what, that one actually gave me a hell of a tussle, but you have to get inside the mind of the fish, you know.

BOONE: I don't believe you.

CAPTION: You remember that famous quotation of George Bernard Shaw? Shaw asked a woman if she would sleep with him for a million dollars. She admitted that she would. Then he asked if she would sleep with him for a hundred dollars. She reacted in shock. "What kind of woman do you think I am," she protested. "We've established that," answered Shaw, "now we're merely haggling over the price." Keep this in mind now that we have seen Shannon trade some of her feminine charms for...a fish.

CHARLIE: I got it in the shallows, I cornered it.

SHANNON: [to Boone] What's the matter? Can't stand to see me fending for myself?

BOONE: [to Charlie] I'm sorry, seriously.

CHARLIE: No, it's okay.

SHANNON: What are you apologizing to him for?

BOONE: For you. For using him—using this poor guy like you use everyone else.

SHANNON: Oh, whatever.

BOONE: Somewhere in that twisted little brain, you think this proves that you can take care of yourself.

CAPTION: Another relevant quote here - "Give me a fish, I eat for today. Teach me to get someone else to fish for me by implying sexual favors, and I eat for a lifetime."

[Shannon and Boone walk away from Charlie.]

SHANNON: I told you I'd catch a fish, didn't I?

BOONE: [off camera, shot is on Charlie's sad reaction] That's low Shannon, even for you.

SHANNON: Oh, go rescue a baby bird or something.

CAPTION: At least Charlie can console himself that there are plenty of fish out there.

[Shot of Jack and Rose on the beach.]

JACK: Rose, after the sun goes down, we're going to burn the fuselage. It's just something that we have to do. There's going to be a memorial service back at the camp for those—for those who didn't make it. For everyone to say goodbye.

ROSE: I'd like to be there for that.

JACK: Okay. [They get up to go]. Maybe if you'd like to say something, you know, about your husband.

ROSE: What?

JACK: I'm just saying if you wanted to say goodbye to Bernard.

ROSE: Doctor, my husband is not dead.

JACK: Rose, he was in the tail section of the plane. It broke off in mid-flight. I'm sorry, but everyone who was in the rear of the plane's gone.

ROSE: They're probably thinking the same thing about us.

CAPTION: This is the first of many examples on the show of someone who has faith, making assumptions based on flimsy evidence or no evidence at all, being right, while Jack, making assumptions based on the best available evidence, is 100% wrong-o. And yet, the show plays on the SciFi network. There's something kind of not right about that.

[Jack does a double-take. Sees a man in a suit and white shoes standing under a tree on the beach. He walks toward it.]

CAPTION: Though we don't know this yet, that man is Christian Shephard, Jack's father. Seeing him walking around on the island is somewhat disconcerting for Jack, for two reasons. The first reason is that his father is dead. The second is that people are not supposed to wear white shoes after Labor Day.

ROSE: Doctor? You coming?

[He looks back and the man is gone.]

[Shot of Sayid with some equipment, Kate walks up and hands him the broken antenna.]

KATE: I'm sorry. I guess should've gotten a warranty.

SAYID: I suppose I'll just try again. Of course, I have no welding iron, no rivets, scorched wiring. And it seems I must continue to lie to anyone who asks me what it is I'm actually doing. [Throws the antenna down angrily.]

CAPTION: This is why the Communications Workers Union are actually boycotting the Island, because of its substandard working conditions.

KATE: Sayid, we'll try it again.

SAYID: [calmly] We'll try it again.

JACK: [entering] Kate.

SAYID: Excuse me. [he exits]

JACK: [reaching for Kate's face] You okay?

KATE: Is this when you say "I told you so?"

JACK: No, I'm not big on rubbing it in.

CAPTION: Once again, make your own joke here.

KATE: Locke, um. Locke's gone. That thing, it was moving in his direction. There wasn't time. [Looking toward another part of the beach] What's going on?

JACK: The fuselage is ready to go. Some of the others decided, um … I guess there's going to be some words said over the fire, names read, I think.

KATE: That's good. I just don't think they're ready to hear about some of the things we've …

[Jack suddenly runs off.]

KATE: Jack?

[Jack runs into the woods a little ways. Kate follows. We see Locke dragging a boar out of the woods.]

JACK: Locke.

[All looking at each other.]

CAPTION: There was a line cut from the script that would have appeared here. In this line, Locke announces to the group that "Now I know what a boar does in the woods". Sometimes script editors make the right decisions, don't they?

Act 6

[Shot of everyone around by the fuselage. The memorial.]

CLAIRE: Judith Martha Wexler from Denton, TX, guess she was going to catch a connecting flight. Um, she wore corrective lenses and she was an organ donor, or at least would have been. Steve and Kirsten, I don't know their last name, but they were really in love and were going to be married. At least, wherever they are now, they're not alone.

[Shot of Charlie doing drugs, hiding.]

CLAIRE: … video store receipt lists her overdue charges for Willie Wonka and Little Princess. Looks like he hadn't traveled much … at least as far as I can tell from his passport.

[Shot of Charlie coming back standing next to Kate.]

CAPTION: Funerals are much cooler when you're baked. It's kind of like going to Fantasia on drugs - the colors are that much brighter. Haley Joel Osment tried going to a funeral once like this - he was in the back shouting "This is sooooooooo coooooool...I see dead people..."

KATE: You seen Jack?

CLAIRE: … Wollstein, Harold, seat 23C.

CAPTION: Great. The one Jewish character and they kill him off before he can even get off the plane. Typical. B'nai Brith is going to have a field day with this.

[Shot of Jack sitting alone on the beach. Shot of Michael next to Locke.]

MICHAEL: Nice work.

LOCKE: What?

CLAIRE: Millicent …

MICHAEL: The boar. Nice work, you know, killing it. Just thought I should say something. So that thing, the monster, whatever. She said it was headed right towards you. Did you see anything? Get any kind of look at it?

LOCKE: No.

CAPTION: What?! We all saw the Monster getting close enough to chomp its smoky fangs directly into the juicy side of that bald melon of Locke's. Actually, for that matter, from where Kate was, she could see everything that happened to Locke afterwards. What gives? Was the continuity guy on vacation for this episode?

[Close up of Locke.]

[FLASHBACK]

[Travel agency office in Australia.]

AGENT: The Walkabouts we arrange here are not just a stroll through the park. It's trekking across vast stretches of desert, rafting bloody treacherous waters.

CAPTION: "...attending a session of the Australian Parliament. You know, the really scary stuff."

LOCKE: Look, you've got no idea who you're talking to. I'm well aware of what's involved, believe me. I probably know more than you on the subject.

AGENT: In any case, it's a trying ordeal for someone in peak physical condition, let alone …

LOCKE: Look, I booked this tour a month ago, you've already got my money. Now, I demand a place on that bus.

AGENT: You misrepresented yourself …

LOCKE: I never lied.

AGENT: By omission, Mr. Locke. You neglected to tell us about your condition.

LOCKE: My condition is not an issue. I've lived with it for 4 years. It's never kept me from doing anything.

CAPTION: Except walking. But perhaps we're being nitpicky about this.

AGENT: Look, unfortunately it is an issue for our insurance company. I can't keep the bus waiting any longer. It isn't fair to the other people.

LOCKE: Hey, don't talk to me about fair.

AGENT: I can get you on a plane back to Sydney on our dime. That's the best I can do.

LOCKE: No. I don't want to go back to Sydney. Look I've been preparing for this for years. Just put me on the bus, right now, I can do this.

AGENT: No, you can't.

LOCKE: Hey, hey, don't you walk away from me. [The wheelchair reveal].

CAPTION: Yes, folks, that's right. John Locke is a paraplegic. So where he went wrong is that, when he was filling the forms out, he failed to place the checkmark next to the "Wheelabout" tour instead of the "Walkabout" tour on the brochure.

LOCKE: You don't know who you're dealing with. Don't ever tell me what I can't do, ever. This is destiny. This is destiny. This is my destiny. (yelling) I'm supposed to do this, dammit. Don't tell me what I can't do. Don't tell me what I can't...

[The bus pulls away. We see a shot of Locke on the beach when he comes to, from the beginning of the episode. Putting his shoes on, getting up, Jack calls to him for help and he goes. Shot of Locke back at the memorial. Shot of fuselage on fire. Locke looks over at the wheelchair and smiles.]

CAPTION: So we'll see you again next week here on the Island, with a brand new and equally confusing story for you. Yes, we will. We will! I said, we WILL!! DON'T TELL US WHAT WE CAN'T DO!!!"

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