Okay, okay, now that I'm actually doing a third one of these, people's reactions are predictably moving from "this is a weird idea" or "kinda funny" towards "what is up with that guy?" That's okay. I'm still having fun doing this, and that's what matters. Okay, that and people not sending me mail, Hurley-style, reading "Dude, this commenting out episodes thing is so played."

Here is the "closed captioned for the humor impaired" version of the third episode of Lost, entitled "Tabula Rasa", which means "seize the day", I think. If I was one of the Others, my Latin would be better. Oh well, never mind me, let's just start with a clean slate. Here's the show.

Act 1

[Shot of people at the beach sorting through luggage. Claire and redshirts sorting through some papers. Scene changes to Jack and the Marshal.]

MARSHAL: Don't trust her. She's dangerous.

JACK: You should try not to move, man.

CAPTION: Poor Marshal Mars, he's fallen on hard times since his club dancing days. He used to bust a move. Now if he moves, he'll bust.

MARSHAL: Have to find her. Have to bring her back.

JACK: Yeah, you keep saying that. And every time I ask you who you have to bring back you pass out on me again.

CAPTION: In addition to the shrapnel in his gut, the Marshal has a small piece of shrapnel lodged in his brain, in the particular center of the cerebral cortex which controls revealing essential plot points, like that it's Kate that he was escorting back to the States. Ever since this episode, that part of the brain, so vital to the exposition process, goes by the name of Lindelof's Area.

JACK: Since your fever's running pretty high, I'm guessing you have no idea who you're talking about.

MARSHAL: My cuffs, my handcuffs. Where are my cuffs?

CAPTION: The good marshal needs those handcuffs, pronto, so he can get up and run five miles through the jungle at top speeds to catch Kate.

JACK: What?

MARSHAL: My jacket pocket.

JACK: I don't …

CAPTION: "For a doctor, this guy's pretty slow on the uptake. I'll try again."

MARSHAL: Jacket pocket.

JACK: Okay.

[Jack gets a piece of paper out of the Marshal's jacket pocket and unfolds it.]

MARSHAL: Dangerous. She's dangerous.

[Shot of Kate's mug shot wearing a sign that says: Harrison Valley Police with the numbers 961136 below (there are some other numbers, staggered, that don't look like part of the series (3 9 81 4 64).]

CAPTION: Being caught by the feds wasn't so bad. Being caught in Pennsylvania, that was bad.

[Shot of Kate, Sawyer, Boone, Sayid, Shannon walking back to the beach from the trek to try the transceiver.]

BOONE: It's getting dark.

SAWYER: Then pick up the pace.

BOONE: Hick.

CAPTION: You ever notice how people get the hiccups all of a sudden whenever Sawyer's around?

SAWYER: Little louder?

SAYID: We should make camp.

SHANNON: What, here?

SAYID: Yes, here.

SAWYER: I'm not stopping. You all have a nice cookout.

CAPTION: Sawyer's still smarting from being kicked out of the Webelos.

SAYID: Excellent, walk through the jungle in the dark.

SAWYER: Oooo, afraid the trees are going to get us?

CAPTION: People have already been attacked by a smoke monster and a polar bear, but angry trees are too much to imagine? If anything, that should seem more plausible. Remember those trees that threw the apples at Dorothy? What if some of them are in the jungle? That'd suck.

SAYID: No, what is knocking down the trees will get you.

SAWYER: [pulling out the gun] Well, if you're so worried about me, how about you give me the clip back?

KATE: Put the gun back in your pants, Sawyer.

CAPTION: "But this time, do yourself a favor and put the safety on."

KATE: Sayid's right, if you keep walking you're not going to make it to the beach.

SAWYER: Yeah, why's that?

[Shot of Charlie looking away.]

CAPTION: Subtle like a brick, Charlie.

KATE: Trust me.

[Shot of the group around a fire at night. Sayid putting a rock on the ground, and holding a torch.]

SAYID: This is Australia [indicating the rock]. This is us [indicating the torch].

CAPTION: How much would you pay to hear Sayid say next "And this is a giant meteor heading straight for Paul Hogan's house! Moo hoo hoo hoo ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!"

SAWYER: Nice stick.

SAYID: Two days ago we take off from Sydney. We fly along the same north east route every commercial airliner bound for Los Angeles does. Now the pilot, he said he lost communication with the ground, correct?

KATE: Yeah, 6 hours in. He turned around and headed for Fiji.

SAYID: So, we changed course. Regrettably, no one knew we changed course. The turbulence hit. We know the rest. [Sayid puts the torch's fire out.]

CAPTION: Um...did we actually learn anything we didn't know already from Sayid's little "visual aid demonstration" there? Anything at all?

KATE: The pilot said we were over a thousand miles off course.

CHARLIE: Yeah, but, they'll find us. They have satellites in space that can take pictures of your license plate.

SAYID: If only we were all wearing license plates.

CAPTION: Sawyer used to make them. He could probably set everyone up.

CHARLIE: Well, aren't you the pessimist.

SAYID: Basic photography - point and shoot. Satellites can shoot, but they must be told where to point.

CAPTION: Seriously? Ten thousand pimply-faced teens on their I-Macs probably could have Google Earthed the base camp within a day after the crash and then posted the pictures to an Unexplained Phenomenon Wiki.

CHARLIE: Oh. Bollocks.

CAPTION: Now, now...never mind the bollocks.

SAWYER: Okay, really enjoyed the puppet show. Fantastic. But we're stuck in the middle of damn nowhere. How about we talk about that other thing? You know that transmission Abdul picked up on his little radio? The French chick that said, "They're all dead." The transmission's been on a loop for … how long was it, Freckles?

KATE: 16 years.

CAPTION: And 5 months. According to the incredibly fast calculations of Sayid in the last episode. You'd think Sayid could have bypassed playing around with a teeny radio transmitter and built himself a full licensed station that plays Island Contemporary format by now.

SAWYER: Right. Let's talk about that.

BOONE: Well, we have to tell the others when we get back.

SHANNON: Tell them what, exactly?

BOONE: What we heard.

SHANNON: You didn't hear anything. I'm not a stupid translator.

CAPTION: Let's reflect for a moment on why Shannon didn't just say "I'm not a translator." Notice how she tried to slip that one by everyone?

SAYID: No one's going to tell them anything. To relay what we heard without fully understanding it will cause a panic. If we tell them what we know we take away their hope. And hope is a very dangerous thing to lose.

CAPTION: But people could hope they don't die, couldn't they?

KATE: So we lie.

CAPTION: Yes, you lie...but take heart, because this is the very last time anyone on this show will ever lie. No, honest.

[Shot of Jack and Hurley at the beach making a shelter.]

HURLEY: Was it a dinosaur?

JACK: It wasn't a dinosaur.

HURLEY: You say you didn't see it.

JACK: I didn't.

HURLEY: So how do you know it wasn't a dinosaur?

JACK: Because dinosaurs are extinct.

CAPTION: Yes, Jack was right to correct Hurley, who is a obviously a bit confused. He's thinking of Land of the Lost. Totally different show.

HURLEY: Oh. Yeah. [Looking at the Marshal.] So what's his story? He looks kind of … dying.

JACK: He's not going to die.

HURLEY: He's yellow, man.

CAPTION: "No, he's not scared, either."

JACK: His wound is infected, but the antibiotics will fight it off.

HURLEY: What if they don't?

JACK: Then his body will shut down one piece at a time. His abdomen goes rigid, then …

HURLEY: He looks like he's in pain.

JACK: Yeah.

CAPTION: Shrapnel to the bowels is pesky that way.

[Hurley picks up the mug shot of Kate.]

HURLEY: What's this? Uh, dude? Uh … [Jack grabs the mug shot] What do you think she did?

JACK: It's none of my business.

HURLEY: She looks pretty hard core.

CAPTION: Jack's totally counting on that.

JACK: Hurley … [Jack says this in a tone that indicates he doesn't want to talk about it, and goes back to doing something else.]

Act 2

[Shot of Sayid and group sleeping at their camp. Someone sneaks over and takes the magazine from Sayid who wakes up.]

SAYID: What are you doing?

[Everyone wakes up.]

BOONE: [with the gun in his hand] Standing guard. You heard what they said is out there.

CAPTION: Boone with a gun? Not cool. No one even trusts him with all those pens he got for Jack in the first episode.

SAWYER: You took my gun off me, boy?

SHANNON: [to Boone] Please, you've never even held a gun. [to the group] He doesn't believe in guns. He's goes on marches.

BOONE: I don't go on marches.

CAPTION: This is, of course, not true. Boone was his state's organizer for the Million Moron March. He was also the poster boy.

SAYID: Give it back to me.

SAWYER: Yeah, give it to Al Jazeera, he'll protect us.

CHARLIE: Al Jazeera is a network.

CAPTION: Yeah, and Blondie is a group.

BOONE: I'll keep the damn gun.

SHANNON: We should give it to her. [indicating Kate]

CHARLIE: Yeah, Kate should hold the gun.

SAYID: Fine with me. Well?

[Boone gives the gun to Kate.]

CAPTION: Let this be a lesson: Evil is always preferable to incompetence.


[Shot of Kate sleeping on hay. The sound of a shotgun being cocked waking her.]

RAY: Good morning.

KATE: Morning.

RAY: You were sleeping in my sheep pen.

CAPTION: Everyone used to say Kate wasn't fit to sleep in the sheep pen, but we say she is.

KATE: Sorry.

[Ray lowers his gun and Kate gets up.]

RAY: How'd you get here?

KATE: I walked.

RAY: You walked?

KATE: Yeah.

CAPTION: Ray Mullen as Bogart would be good about now..."Of all the sheep barns in all the world, you had to walk into mine."

RAY: From where?

KATE: Town.

CAPTION: Come on, St. John's is on the other side of the globe from here. (Warning - only people who live in Newfoundland will get this joke.)

RAY: Nearest town's 15 kilometers.

KATE: Maybe that's why I was so exhausted.

RAY: What's your name?

KATE: Annie.

CAPTION: "The full name is 'Annie Name I Can Think Of While A Shotgun Is Pointed At Me Is A Good One'."

RAY: You hungry, Annie?

[Scene changes to Kate (Annie) and Ray in the farmer's kitchen. Kate is eating and obviously very hungry.]

RAY: So you want to tell me why you're trespassing on my property?

KATE: I ran out of money.

CAPTION: Plus, nobody for kilometers around means it's kilometers to someplace where someone could post my "Wanted" poster.

RAY: You're an American.

KATE: Canadian. I graduated from college and figured I'd see the world. Australia was top of my list so I hopped a flight to Melbourne but I don't know anybody here so I figured I'd walk for awhile, you know.

CAPTION: This is the first of many examples of the nation of Canada being utilized in the construction of a baldfaced lie on this show. Whenever Canada is mentioned on the show, that means whoever is mentioning it is lying. Many may say this is massively unfair to Canada, which is a great nation filled with wonderful people. However, it should be noted that nothing prevents Lost from using other nations to further the twisted plot designs of its writers. For example, a convention could be that whenever Uruguay is mentioned, that means that the person mentioning it is carrying a deep, dark emotional secret. Or whenever Azerbaijan is mentioned, that means that the person is linked to an international network of scientists and philanthropists. Or whenever Ireland is mentioned, everyone in the home viewing audience has to take a drink from a gigantic mug of green beer.

RAY: Melbourne's 100 kilometers from here.

KATE: I like walking.

RAY: And you just happened to wonder onto my farm.

KATE: I like farms, too.

CAPTION: "And you just happened to pass by my closet full of leather corsets and bondage devices." "Er....I like farms, too."

RAY: Do you know how to work one?

KATE: Yeah.

RAY: My wife died 8 months ago Wednesday. She left me with too many chores and a hell of a mortgage. If you help me with the first one, I'll give you a fair wage and a place to stay.

CAPTION: Looking for a farm in the Outback at subprime rates? Just log on to []!

KATE: Deal.

[Kate reaches to shake his hand. He pulls his arm up and sets in the table with a thud and raps it a couple of times to show it's artificial.]

RAY: No. I'm a lefty.

CAPTION: After a lengthy and contentious debate, and considerable input from Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse on their weekly podcast, most fans of the show have concluded that Ray Mullen's right arm must be artificial.

[Shot of Hurley running on the beach toward the infirmary Jack has made.]

HURLEY: Dude, dude, they're back.

[Shot of Sayid with a group gathered around him on the beach.]

SAYID: As you and the others know, we hiked up the mountain in an attempt to help the rescue team locate us. The transceiver failed to pick up a signal. We weren't able to send out a call for help. [Shot of Kate and Shannon.] But we're not giving up. If we gather electronic equipment - your cell phones, laptops - I can boost the signal and we can try again, but that may take some time. So for now, we should begin rationing our remaining food. If it rains, we should set up tarps to collect water. I need to organize 3 separate groups. Each group should have a leader. [Shot of Jack walking up.] One group for water - I'll organize that. Who's going to organize electronics? [Kate starts walking toward Jack.] You? Rationing food? Okay. And I believe a third group should concern themselves with the construction of …

CAPTION: Sayid's going to organize water. He's a communications officer, but organizing electronic equipment is a job he's going to delegate. You can see why they were able to book six full seasons of this show.

[Shot of Hurley watching Kate as she approaches Jack.]


JACK: Hey.

KATE: I, um, I need to tell you something.

CAPTION: That's a statement on the order of "Rain is wet."

JACK: Okay, sure.

KATE: We couldn't send out a signal because there was another signal blocking it. The other signal - we heard it. It was a distress call from a French woman. She said that the others were dead - something had killed them all. She was alone on the island. It's been playing for 16 years, Jack. I wanted to tell you.

JACK: Anything else?

CAPTION: What exactly does Kate have to do to impress Jack? "We just heard a message which had been repeating for a decade and a half saying everyone else on this island died horribly?" "Anything else?" What conditions have to obtain for this kind of revelation to be considered evidence of something other than a slow news day?

KATE: [looking toward the infirmary] How is he - the man with the shrapnel in his side?

JACK: It's touch-and-go.

KATE: He wake up?

JACK: No, just for a few seconds during the surgery.

KATE: He say anything?


CAPTION: Now that Jack has said this to Kate, we know he must be Canadian.

Act 3

[Shot of people busy at the beach. Jack and Hurley carrying airline seats.]

CAPTION: There was a seat sale.

HURLEY: So what'd she say?

JACK: She didn't say anything.

HURLEY: But you told her you knew?

JACK: I don't know anything.

HURLEY: Well, you kind of know she's in that mug shot. And that we found those handcuffs. And that guy keeps mumbling "she's dangerous, she's dangerous" over and over.

CAPTION: Circumstantial. Entirely circumstantial.

JACK: It's not my business. Not my problem.

HURLEY: Yeah, you're right. We'll let Johnny Fever take care of her when he gets better.

CAPTION: We're still at the point where the best insults Sawyer can dish out are second-rate racial slurs like "Abdul" or "Al Jazeera", but Hurley is right there calling a deliriously febrile guy "Johnny Fever". Do you suppose someone sneaks into the survivors' camp later on and surreptitiously performs an "intelligent smack-talk" transfusion from Hurley to Sawyer?

JACK: He's not getting better if we don't get some stronger antibiotics.

HURLEY: That stuff I got from the luggage …

JACK: It's for ear infections and foot fungus.

CAPTION: This is a rarely used drug, as people do not often get ear infections and foot fungus at the same time.

HURLEY: We went through everything, man.

JACK: What about that luggage in the overhead compartments?

HURLEY: That's inside the plane.

JACK: Yeah?

HURLEY: But, the bodies are in there, and they're all … dead.

CAPTION: Except for Westly, who is only mostly dead. Miracle Max will take care of that, though.

JACK: Look, I'll handle it. Why don't you keep an eye on him … ?

HURLEY: Great. Yeah - love to - on it.

[Shot of Jack looking at the fuselage. Shot of Jack in the fuselage with a flashlight in his mouth looking at prescription bottles. He hears something moving around and quickly gets up to see what it is. Sawyer pops up.]


JACK: [relieved/annoyed] What are you doing in here?

SAWYER: Trick or treat, same as you.

JACK: You're looting.

SAWYER: Aww, you say potato …

CAPTION" "...and I'll say 'Where?!' and then find it and take it. Then I'll have french fries while the rest of you are fighting over the last mango.

JACK: What's in the bag?

SAWYER: Booze, smokes, couple of Playboys. What's in yours?

JACK: Medicine.

SAWYER: Well, that about sums it up, don't it?

CAPTION: Sawyer's quick to crow that his haul is better than Jack's, but supposing Jack had found some of Charlie's "medicine"? That would make the value of the booze and smokes drop precipitously as products available via the James Ford Commodities Market (JFCM).

JACK: Do you do this back home, too - steal from the dead?

CAPTION: Living people complain more when you steal from them.

SAWYER: Brother, you've got wake up and smell the bull crap here, rescue ain't comin'. You're just wasting your time. You're trying to save a guy who last time I checked had a piece of metal the size of my head sticking out of his bread basket. Let me ask you something? How many of those pills are you going to use to fix him up?

JACK: As many as it takes.

SAWYER: Yeah? How many you got? You're just not looking at the big picture, Doc. You're still back in civilization.

JACK: Yeah? And where are you?

SAWYER: Me? I'm in the wild.

CAPTION: Later on during the run of the show, Sawyer will have the haircut to prove that he is, indeed, "in the wild". Jack, on the other hand, will apparently discover the only Fresh Cuts on the island, and remain properly coiffed until his rescue in Season Four.

[Shot of Charlie sitting down on the beach while Claire struggles with a piece of luggage. Charlie gets up to help her.]

CHARLIE: Whoa, hey, I got it. I got it.

CLAIRE: Thanks.

[They put the luggage on the wheelchair.]

CHARLIE: Well, look on the bright side. Whoever's this was is probably better off than we are.

CAPTION: It's John Locke's wheelchair. So no, not really.

CHARLIE: I got it.

[Shot of Sun with a suitcase.]

SUN: 여기… 당신 가방 찾은 것 같아요! [Subtitle: I think I found your bag.]

CAPTION: Real translation - "I think I found your bag."

JIN: 그래? 보자. 아니야. [Subtitle: Really? Let's see. No, this isn't it.]

CAPTION: Real translation - "Really? Let's see. No, this isn't it."

SUN: 그럼 계속 찾아볼게요. [Subtitle: Then I'll keep looking.]

CAPTION: Real translation - "Then I'll keep looking."

JIN: 잠깐, 이리 와 봐. 니 모습 좀 봤니? 니 옷하고 얼굴이 너무 더러워 보여. 빨리 씻어라. 자기야. 사랑해. [Subtitle: Come here. Have you seen yourself? Your clothes. You're filthy. Go wash up. Sun. I love you.]

CAPTION: Real translation - "Damn skippy you will keep looking, bee-yotch. When I say jump, you say how high. I crack the whip, you jump through the hoop. And after that, darn my socks."

[Scene switches back to Charlie and Claire pulling the wheelchair across the sand.]

CHARLIE: So, how's the baby?

CLAIRE: It's okay, I think.

CHARLIE: Good. So, your husband. Was he on the flight?

CLAIRE: Oh, no. I'm not married.

CAPTION: Ooh, clever. See what Charlie did there? This is why people called him the "brains" of Drive Shaft.


CLAIRE: I know - how modern of me.

CHARLIE: Well, who needs men, right? Bloody useless.

CLAIRE: [laughing] So, you guys hiked all the way up that mountain for nothing, huh?

CAPTION: This is only proof that Claire has never seen Brokeback Mountain.

[Shot of Hurley running out of the infirmary with water bottles, and he runs into Kate.]

KATE: Hey, sorry.

HURLEY: I was going to get some more water.

KATE: We haven't met. I'm Kate.

HURLEY: Hi, Kate.

CAPTION: Please try to ignore the shimmering yellow pool that is now appearing near Hurley's feet.


HURLEY: Hurley.

KATE: I was just looking for Jack and I thought he might be in there.

HURLEY: Yeah, no. Uh, he went to go get some medicine … over there.

[Shot of Kate reveals a gun in her back waistband.]

KATE: Where? In the fuselage?

CAPTION: No, in the waistband.

HURLEY: What? Yeah, in the uh, uh, you know what? I've got to get that water. [Hurley runs off.]

[It starts raining and people start trying to collect rainwater, running for shelter. Shot of the Marshal. Kate come up very close - her face near his face.]


[Shot of Kate at Ray's house in the pantry. She removes a panel to a secret compartment with a can of money. She takes the money. Ray turns on the light.]

RAY: The bank would have given you a heck of a toaster if you had kept that in a savings account.

KATE: What do I need a toaster for?

CAPTION: Sure, she asked this then, but now she's stranded on an isolated island in the middle of the South Pacific with no toast, no toast whatsoever.

RAY: You're hiding your wages in a tin can, Annie. I mean, I would have held on to it for you.

KATE: I got trust issues.

RAY: Weren't you going to say goodbye?

CAPTION: She wasn't going to even leave any fingerprints.

KATE: Wrote you a note.

RAY: You've been here almost 3 months, Annie. And every time I ask you about yourself, you get that look in your eye. Yeah, that one. So, I mind my own business. I figured maybe you got off on the wrong side of a bad relationship. Maybe you ran. I always knew you'd leave here someday. I guess I hoped it wouldn't be in the middle of the night.

KATE: I'm sorry.

RAY: Yeah, so am I.

CAPTION: Don't take it too personally, Ray. She was probably just getting homesick for "Canada."

[Kate starts to leave.]

RAY: Hey, Annie, why don't you just stay one more night, eh? I'll drive you to the train station first thing in the morning. I promise.

KATE: Okay.

RAY: I get it, you know. Everyone deserves a fresh start.

CAPTION: In Kate's case, she needs a fresh headstart.

[Back on the island, Kate is staring at the face of the Marshal. He opens his eyes and grabs her around the neck. Jack walks in and starts to break them up. The Marshal goes into convulsions.]

JACK: Just breathe. Come on, look at me. Look at me. [To Kate] What did you do?

KATE: I was just checking to if he was … he jumped on me. He grabbed me. Is he … okay?

JACK: He's not responding to antibiotics, he's bleeding internally, his fever's pushing 104. And his abdomen's rigid. He needs water.

[Jack leaves to get water, Kate follows. It's still raining.]

KATE: So, what are you going to do about it?

CAPTION: Same thing as back home. Treat him until his insurance runs out. Then have the hospital administrators turf him to home care.

JACK: About what?

KATE: About him.

JACK: I told you, he needs water.

KATE: Will he suffer?

JACK: What?

KATE: Will it be quick?

JACK: No. It won't be quick. 2, 3, maybe 4 days.

KATE: And he'll feel it?

JACK: Yeah, he'll feel it.

CAPTION: "Can I watch?"

KATE: Can't you put him out of his misery?

CAPTION: "Or into lots more misery? I'm kind of flexible on the point."

JACK: I saw your mug shot, Kate. I am not a murderer.

CAPTION: As the seasons of this show progress, it will be shown that "not being a murderer" places Jack in a small minority with respect to the other people on this island. There wouldn't even be fair teams when the islanders divide up into "Murderers" vs. "Non-Murderers" for a game of pickup basketball.


[We see Kate in the truck with Ray driving along a highway.]

RAY: Do they listen to Patsy Cline in Canada?

KATE: They listen to Patsy Cline everywhere.

CAPTION: There must, therefore, be somewhere where people do not listen to Patsy Cline, because anything people say on this show related to Canada is a lie.

RAY: You hungry?

KATE: I'll eat on the train.

RAY: You sure? There's a little place up here that makes a mean burger.

CAPTION: Or how about up the road, there's a great place there. You ask the waitress if they speak-a your language, and they'll just smile and give you a Vegemite sandwich.

[Ray looks at a car in his rearview mirror.]

KATE: What are you looking for, Ray?

RAY: What?

KATE: How long have you known?

RAY: Couple of days. I saw your picture in the post office. I guess they knew you were Down Under.

CAPTION: "Darn it! Caught because Ray finally got around to sending away for that Malaysian mail order bride."

KATE: [looking hurt] Why?

RAY: The reward's 23,000 dollars. I told you when I met you, I've got a hell of a mortgage. If it makes you feel any better, it was a hard decision, Annie.

CAPTION: "Oh yes, that does make me feel better. Thanks for breaking a moderate sweat over the decision to commit me to life in prison with no possibility of parole and a possible death sentence."

KATE: My name's not Annie.

[The truck following them speeds up to come alongside. We see the Marshal roll down his window and make a "shooting gun" gesture with his hand at Kate.]

[Back on the island, we see Kate in the rain at the beach.]

Act 4

[Shot of Walt and Michael in the rain.]

MICHAEL: Hey, who was that guy you were hanging out with?

WALT: What guy?

MICHAEL: The bald guy.

WALT: Oh, Mr. Locke?

MICHAEL: Mr. Locke got any kids?

CAPTION: No, but he did used to have that kids show on Saturday morning, "Mr. Locke's Playhouse". Until a coalition of parents brought an end to that.

WALT: He didn't say.

MICHAEL: Yeah, what did he say?

WALT: I don't know.

MICHAEL: What do you mean you don't know. What did he say?

WALT: Some of it's secret.

MICHAEL: Did he tell you not to tell me?


MICHAEL: Then what's the secret?

CAPTION: "Mr. Locke is a neo-Nazi skinhead who has invited me to be a ritual sacrifice at the next Tustin, CA Right-Wing Extremist Barbecue and 5K Fun Run."

WALT: Mr. Locke said a miracle happened to him.

MICHAEL: Yeah, well, a miracle happened to all of us, Walt. We survived a plane crash. Look, I don't want you hanging around with him anymore.

WALT: Why not? He's my friend.

MICHAEL: Hey, I'm your friend, too.

WALT: If you were my friend, you'd find Vincent.

MICHAEL: Walt, look, I haven't given up on your dog. I'm going to do everything I can to find him.

CAPTION: The survivors are running out of fresh meat, after all.

WALT: No you won't.

MICHAEL: Yeah, Walt, I will.

WALT: You don't care about Vincent.

MICHAEL: I'm going to get your dog back as soon as it stops raining. Hey listen to me, I'm going to get your dog back. [The rain stops.]

[Shot of jungle.]

MICHAEL: [off camera at first, talking to himself] Yeah, soon as it stops raining - good, nice. I'm going to find your dog … yeah, I'm just going to go walking through the haunted damn jungle looking for your … [Michael hears something] Vincent?

CAPTION: No. It is not Vincent. He has been summoned by Jacob.

[We hear some animal sounds.]

MICHAEL: Vincent? That you buddy?

[More animal growling sounds/movement. Michael takes off running. Eventually, he comes to a clearing where Sun is having a sponge bath.]

MICHAEL: Oh. Something was chasing me so, uh … I don't hear it now. But you should probably head back. [He hands her her bra.] Uh, I didn't see anything, you know, if you're worried about it … I didn't see anything.

CAPTION: Michael is thinking "Perhaps I was too quick to condemn the 'haunted damn jungle'."

[Shot of the Marshal crying out in pain. Shot of Locke with a small piece of wood. Charlie walking by. They can hear the Marshal crying out.]

CHARLIE: What are you making?

LOCKE: Whistle.

CHARLIE: I used some tribal flutes once in a recording session. I'm in a band.

CAPTION: Apparently, Drive Shaft is in their "We're not just a pop band, look, we're cultural, our songs are based indirectly on indigenous folk music" period. It's the sure sign of the rock star version of "jumping the shark" not being far away.

[Shot of Shannon approaching Boone.]

SHANNON: I wish he would just die already.

BOONE: Real humane, Shannon.

CAPTION: Boone should give Shannon more credit. She did tone down this comment from what she intended to say, which was that she hoped the Marshal would drown in his own phlegm. What she actually said was kind of Mother Teresa compared to that.

[Shot of Sayid walking to Jack who's getting water from the rain tarp.]

SAYID: Anything I can do to help?

JACK: No, I'm good, thanks.

SAYID: The others are getting upset. They want to know what's going on inside the tent.

JACK: Trying to save his life.

SAYID: Rumor has it you can't.

CAPTION: That's a little unfair. The Las Vegas odds were only running 5-3 against Jack.

[Jack walks away without responding. We see Kate stacking logs to make a fire. Sound of Marshal moaning in the background. Kate is getting matches ready when we see a lighter being lit in the foreground.]

SAWYER: Need a light? [He throws her the lighter] Came by to thank you. You going to ask what for?

KATE: What for?

SAWYER: For taking that gun away from me.

KATE: I didn't take it away from you.

SAWYER: It's sticking out of your denims, ain't it? I sure wouldn't want to be the one with that gun right now. Because everyone sitting out there listening to that poor boy scream all night knows what's got to be done. Only one that can do it is the one with that gun. Don't act so surprised. I heard you tell the hero the same thing. Hell, there's only one bullet left - be damned near poetic.

CAPTION: As far as poetry goes, apparently Sawyer reads a lot of Sylvia Plath.

[Shot of the Marshal in a lot of pain. Jack gives him some water.]

MARSHAL: Listen to me.

CAPTION: Instead of saying this, the Marshal could have told Jack what Kate did.

JACK: No, you need to keep quiet.

MARSHAL: Listen to me, no matter what she does - no matter how she makes you feel, don't you trust a word that she says. She will do anything to get away.

CAPTION: Instead of saying this, the Marshal could have told Jack what Kate did.

JACK: What did she do?

MARSHAL: I want to talk to her.

CAPTION: Instead of saying this, the Marshal could have told Jack what Kate did.

JACK: Tell me what she did.

MARSHAL: I want to talk to her, alone.

CAPTION: Instead of saying this, the Marshal could have told Jack what Kate did.

[Jack just looks at him.]

MARSHAL: She got to you, too, huh?

CAPTION: Instead of saying this, the Marshal could have...oh, you get the idea.

Act 5

[Shot of Kate approaching the infirmary with the gun in her jeans. Sound of the Marshal moaning.]


[We see the Marshal making the "gun shooting" hand gesture at Kate in the truck again. Car chase ensues, and Kate grabs the wheel of Ray's truck forcing them off the road, overturning. The car catches fire and Kate pulls Ray to safety. She pulls his artificial arm off while dragging him to the side of the road.]

CAPTION: Now that we've seen all of that, let's ask the simple question - why didn't Ray call up the Marshal and ask him to swing by the house instead? Was there some reason he really wanted to be riding around in his pickup truck with an internationally wanted criminal?

MARSHAL: [pointing his gun at Kate's head] Hey, Kate.

[Shot of Kate back on the island in the tent with the Marshal.]

MARSHAL: What was it?

KATE: What?

MARSHAL: The favor.

KATE: I don't know what you're talking about.

MARSHAL: The last thing I heard before the crash - you wanted a favor.

CAPTION: Kate had her eye on the pretty corsages on sale for the Oceanic Ball. But could she ask the Marshal to escort a night of romance?

[Flashback to plane crash during heavy turbulence.]

KATE: I have one favor to ask.

MARSHAL: Really? This ought to be good.

[Sudden extreme turbulence. The case hits the Marshal in the head. The tail breaks off.]

MARSHAL: [back on the island] Well?

KATE: I wanted you to make sure that Ray Mullen got his 23 grand.

MARSHAL: What—the guy who ratted you out?

KATE: He had a hell of a mortgage.

CAPTION: Is that what we're calling it now?

MARSHAL: You really are one of a kind. You know, you would have got away if you hadn't saved him.

KATE: In case you hadn't noticed, I did get away.

MARSHAL: You don't look free to me. Kate, I'm going to die, right?

KATE: Yeah.

MARSHAL: So, are you going to do it, or what?

CAPTION: Of course she isn't. If she shoots the sheriff, then she'll have to shoot his deputy.

[Shot of Jack looking out to sea at night. Hurley approaches.]

HURLEY: Yo, so, where's the fugitive?

JACK: In the tent.

HURLEY: You let her in there alone?

JACK: What's she going to do? She's 120 pounds soaking wet.

HURLEY: Yeah, but she's got that gun.

CAPTION: And only then did the good citizens of Island Gulch realize that Freckles the Kid had rolled into town.

JACK: What?

HURLEY: She's strapped, man. I saw it her, her …

[Jack runs toward the infirmary. He sees Kate leaving.]

JACK: Kate?!

[They hear a gun shot. Kate walks away. Sawyer comes walking out with the gun.]

JACK: What did you do?

SAWYER: What you couldn't. Look, I get where you're coming from being a doctor and all, but he wanted it. Hell, he asked me. So, I don't like it any more than you do, but something had to be done.

CAPTION: If there's something you're too wussy to do, just call 1-800-O-SAWYER. Decisiveness is just a phone call away. Satisfaction guaranteed, unless something goes wrong, in which case, don't come crying to us.

[Sound of choking sounds come from the infirmary tent.]

HURLEY: Oh, no way. Guys?

[Jack and Sawyer go back in the tent. Jack tries to stop the bleeding.]

JACK: You shot him in the chest?

SAWYER: I was aiming for his heart.

JACK: You missed.

CAPTION: You know those guys at the carnivals who spent all day trying to win a stuffed animal? Sawyer was one of those.

HURLEY: [from the entrance of the tent] Man, is he still breathing?

JACK: You perforated his lung. It'll take hours to bleed out.

SAWYER: So what is—I only had one bullet.

CAPTION: If only Sawyer had one of those magic bullets from the Warren Commission. He could have shot the Marshal in three different places and maybe it would skip off at an angle and kill some threatening character in another episode as well.

JACK: Get out. Get out!

HURLEY: [leaving] Oh boy.

[Sawyer leaves feeling bad, and tries to light a smoke but the lighter doesn't light. He throws the cigarette away.]

SAWYER: Damn it!

[The Marshal's sounds of pain stop. Jack walks out of the tent.]

Act 6

[Shot of Locke sitting on the beach blowing his whistle. Vincent shows up. Locke wakes Michael up but quiets him so as not to wake up Walt.]

LOCKE: I found your son's dog.


LOCKE: Vincent—I tethered him to a tree just over there. I know that Walt lost his mom. I thought that you should be the one to bring his dog back to him.

MICHAEL: Hey, thanks.

LOCKE: Welcome.

CAPTION: And with that, Locke goes from being a freak to a guy with a heart of gold who only happens to be a freak.

[Shot of Jack looking out to sea. Kate joins him.]

KATE: I want to tell you what I did - why he was after me.

JACK: I don't want to know. It doesn't matter, Kate, who we were - what we did before this, before the crash. It doesn't really—3 days ago we all died. We should all be able to start over.

KATE: Okay.

JACK: Okay.

[Hurley listening to his headphones. Jin looking at a sleeping Sun, touching her hair. Boone gives sunglasses to Shannon. Sayid with an apple, tosses it to Sawyer. Charlie writing "late" on his finger tapes. Claire sitting on the beach. Michael bringing Vincent to Walt with Locke looking on—nice song fades to creepy music.]

CAPTION: And so we bid adieu to our survivors until next week, secure in the knowledge that each of the people on the Island have been given a clean slate - a new opportunity to live their lives a completely different way. Except Locke, who, apparently is as creepy now as he was when he boarded the plane in Sydney. Hence the creepy music.

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