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Disenhanced Episode 12: Whatever The Case May Be

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The title of this Disenhanced Episode is "Whatever The Case May Be", a clever pun - a double entendre if you will - which encompasses both our normal use of that phrase and a sly reference to...er...grammatical case. Yeah. Like the nominative, accusative and dative cases. And the ablative, definitely the ablative case - always a personal favorite of mine.

No, wait...that's not it. The reference is to a silver case that Sawyer and Kate find near some dead guy at the bottom of a lagoon with some stuff in it that, for some reason, seems awfully important to Kate. Our first guesses on this score turn out to be wrong (for example, it's not Kate's purse, and her interest in it is not because she's finally run out of tampons). But if we're tempted to guess that this case has something to do with Kate's Past as a Bad Person, that guess is one we can score as a bullseye.

One more thing about the case - apparently it's made by the Halliburton Corporation, which means royalties for this episode are going straight into the pocket of Dick Cheney. Try to enjoy the episode anyway, even if it does make you some kind of an unindicted accomplice.

Act 1

[Shot of Kate picking fruit on a tree, then climbing down. She hears a noise and stops. She continues walking, hears the sound again and picks up rock and throws it.]

SAWYER: [off camera in the jungle, then stumbling into the clearing] Ow. Son of a bitch.

CAPTION: Wow, it's getting so you can't throw a rock around here without hitting a redneck...

SAWYER: What the hell are you doing?

KATE: What the hell are you doing?

CAPTION: Now, now, he kvetched at you first.

SAWYER: It's my knee. You practically busted my damn knee.

KATE: You stalking me, now?

SAWYER: Stalking you? I was protecting you.

KATE: From what? Southern perverts?

CAPTION: He'd probably be pretty good at it, based on the "it takes one to know one principle".

SAWYER: Yeah, whatever. I can't believe you.

KATE: It's not that bad.

SAWYER: It's my knee. I'll tell you how bad it is. What the hell you doing out here anyway?

KATE: Everyone's been eating a lot. This is the only place the trees aren't picked clean.

CAPTION: "Except for that one tree Jack and I found, which still had a Charlie left on it."

SAWYER: Yeah, well, you shouldn't be out here alone. Not after what happened. . .

KATE: No, I'm fine. I can take care of myself.

SAWYER: Oh, of course. [Mocking Kate] I don't need protection. I can take care of myself. Me Kate. Me throw rock.

CAPTION: You Sawyer. You whine about getting hit by rock.

KATE: [hearing something] Shhhh.

SAWYER: What? You smell blood on the wind?

CAPTION: Oh, that's a delightful turn of phrase, isn't it? Wouldn't it be a little less alarming to say "Hey, do you sense something out of the ordinary?" No, he has to say "You smell BLOOD on the wind?" No wonder Sawyer is so much fun at parties. Yeek.

KATE: You don't hear that?

[They move toward the sound. The sound of water gets louder as Kate and Sawyer emerge from some bushes to reveal a large spring with a waterfall. Sawyer starts running toward it taking off his shirt.]

KATE: What are you doing?

CAPTION: Doing his best to please the female demographic for the show, of course.

SAWYER: I need to soak my sore knee. Come on, Freckles, after all we've been through on this damn island, don't we deserve something good? What? You going to say no? You some sort of navel-gazing, no-fun, mopey type?

[Sawyer climbs in. Kate takes off her pants and gets in.]

SAWYER: Well, [happy she's taking her pants off]

CAPTION: Survivors Gone Wild! Spring Break, September 2004! Party!

SAWYER: . . . it's chilly. Come on, girl, woohoo. It's nice, huh? C'mon, what you got? C'mon, let's go up the rocks. C'mon.

[We see Sawyer and Kate frolicking in the spring. They climb up some rocks and dive in. More frolicking until they see two dead bodies from the plane under the water still strapped in their seats.]

CAPTION: Whoa. Major buzz kill.

Act 2

[They surface from the spring, sputtering.]

SAWYER: Hey, are you okay?

KATE: Yeah. Yeah, you?

SAWYER: Yeah, I'm going to go check them out.

KATE: Check them out for what?

SAWYER: See what they got on them.

CAPTION: Whoa. He really is a pervert.

KATE: Sawyer?

[They dive down and Sawyer gets a wallet off the dead guy. Kate sees a silver case. They surface.]

SAWYER: Hey, I got myself a wallet.

KATE: You're disgusting.

SAWYER: He ain't gonna miss it.

CAPTION: Actually, the joke is on Sawyer. You know that old saying "You can't take it with you"? Well, this guy figured out how to do it, so there's bupkus of value in this wallet. The only things that are left are a couple old crinkly stubs from the Scarsdale touring company performance of Cats.

KATE: Help me get that case.

SAWYER: Oh, I'm disgusting, but you're not?

CAPTION: No, he's Chevy Chase, and you're not. (Sorry, couldn't resist that one.)

KATE: It's mine.

CAPTION: Do you suppose this could be true, even with Kate's problems with the law? Maybe...perhaps she was taking her case to a higher court?

[They dive under and struggle a bit to get the case which Sawyer pulls free.]

SAWYER: [handing Kate the case] Wouldn't happen to have your key on you, would you?

CAPTION: "I must have left that in my other panties."

SAWYER: [Kate looks the case over] That case ain't yours, is it?

CAPTION: "Curses! Your razor-sharp powers of deduction have foiled me again, Holmes...but I'll be back, and this time, neither you nor Watson will be able to stop me!"

KATE: No.

SAWYER: Well, you wouldn't mind if I just -- take it.

KATE: I don't care.

CAPTION: Kate is thinking "You're forgetting that I know where you live."

SAWYER: Not what it looks like. [Sawyer watches as Kate puts her pants back on.] Something you want to tell me about this little suitcase, Freckles?

KATE: Take it.

CAPTION: Sawyer was supposed to go "Oh, you want me to take it...well, then I guess I won't take it." You know, the whole reverse psychology bit. Then he was supposed to leave the case, and Kate would go "HEE HEE HEE" and smooth over where her handlebar mustache would be if she weren't female, as her evil plan would would have succeeded. Anyway, apparently Sawyer was either too smart or too dumb to take the bait.

[Kate walks away. Then we see a shot of the ocean. Big waves are pounding. People are trying to rescue luggage that's being washed off the beach.]

SAYID: Everything is getting washed out to sea. This can't be normal. The tide shifting so suddenly, rising in so short a time.

CAPTION: Next week on Lost, special guest star Al Gore will explain this with a truly impressive PowerPoint presentation.

JACK: There's a lot not normal around here. At the rate this beach is eroding this fuselage is going to be underwater in a matter of days. We need to get all this stuff off the beach before nightfall.

SAYID: I just hope that moving up the coast will make a difference.

JACK: It would make a difference if everyone moved inland.

SAYID: I think you'll find people slightly wary of entering the jungle after what happened to the pregnant girl. Not to mention whatever that thing is.

CAPTION: Admittedly, these would not be the first things to put on the tourism brochure.

JACK: Sayid, I need you to take me back to the French woman, Rousseau. Claire's still out there. Now, Rousseau mentioned that there are others on this island.

SAYID: Her mind is gone.

CAPTION: "For example, she has Multiple Personality Disorder, so she actually thinks that she's an Other."

JACK: You heard them yourself.

SAYID: I don't know what I heard.

JACK: You said that when you. . .

SAYID: The wind, Jack. It was the wind playing tricks.

CAPTION: Maybe there was some BLOOD on the wind...would that do it?

JACK: Okay, then, what about the papers that you took from her -- the documents, the maps. I mean, isn't there anything here that. . .

SAYID: I'm skilled at mathematics and decryption, but these equations are beyond anything I've ever seen. There are these notes in French accompanying some of the maps and diagrams. If I could translate them I might be able to make sense of it, but. . .

JACK: What?

SAYID: Perhaps some things are best left untranslated.

CAPTION: "Pendant que Sayid dort, j'ai utilisé son corps comme un cendrier gigantesque."

JACK: Yeah? [pointing at Charlie] Maybe you should tell him that.

CAPTION: "What, seriously? You're actually giving me a reason to go mess with Charlie?"

[Shot of Charlie sitting on the beach, looking sad. Shot of people still getting luggage out of the surf. Shot of Shannon reading a magazine. Boone approaches.]

BOONE: Glad to see you're doing something productive with your time.

CAPTION: He wouldn't really be glad to see this. Seeing Shannon doing something productive with her time is surely one of the clearest signs of the Apocalypse.

SHANNON: Where have you been?

BOONE: What do you mean where have I been?

SHANNON: You and Locke have been leaving before sunrise and coming back after dark for the last 4 days. What are you doing out there? Is he your new boyfriend?

CAPTION: What is this, Brokeback Island?

BOONE: We're looking for Claire.

SHANNON: I thought there was no trail anymore -- that no one even knew where to look.

BOONE: Yeah, well, at least I'm doing something. Don't you see the way they look at us around here? They don't take us seriously. We're a joke. I'm trying to contribute something. You're just -- you're useless.

[Reaction shot of Shannon looking chagrined.]

CAPTION: Oh, Boone...don't make her angry. You...wouldn't like her when she's angry. (Royalties going out to Stan Lee and Jack Kirby for that one...and maybe Bill Bixby, we'll have to check the contract...)

[Shot of ocean sunset. Shot of Kate sitting by a fire. She sees Sawyer with her case.]

[FLASHBACK]

[We see Kate at a bank with bank official Mark Hutton.]

CAPTION: "Hey, my bank official is Mark Hutton, and Mark Hutton says..." (*everyone listens*)

HUTTON: Okay, Ms. Ryan, if you'll just give me some ID, we'll get started on your loan app.

CAPTION: Oh, ha ha - he called her Ms. Ryan. This happens all the time. Meg gets called "that chick from Lost" all the time, too.

KATE: [handing her ID to Hutton] Okay, here you go.

HUTTON: So what brings you to New Mexico?

CAPTION: "Oh, it's close to an international border, in case I have to flee suddenly."

KATE: My work.

HUTTON: And what line of work is that?

KATE: I'm a photographer.

HUTTON: What do you photograph?

CAPTION: "Oh, my victims mostly. You should see some of these. The look of surprise on their faces...it's priceless, really."

KATE: I've been commissioned for a coffee-table book. Uh, pictures of old theaters in small towns.

HUTTON: Oh, there's a fantastic one down in Ruidoso. You can't miss it. It's right off the main road.

KATE: Well, if I end up using it, I'll have to make sure I give you acknowledgment, Mr. -- Hutton.

HUTTON: Mark.

CAPTION: It's disturbing to think there might be people like this in the world, whose job as loan officers at Podunk State Bank in Hole In The Wall, New Mexico are so unfulfilling that they want to make extra sure that they get cited with their full names in a coffee-table book about moldy theaters in dusty old ghost towns. "Please, use my first name, I want people to know it was me that told you about the old Bijou on State Route 5..."

[We hear the sound of a door slamming.]

ROBBERS: Everyone down on the ground. Down on the ground, now.

[Shot of masked men shooting out the security cameras. Hutton reaches for the alarm button.]

ROBBERS: Don't. Don't even think about it. Let's go. Shut up and move over there. Let's go. Move. Who's back there, I see you. All right, big boy, get your ass down there. Get out. [to Kate] Alright, girlie, get up and get over there. Let's go, move. Stay there, right there. Get down on the floor, bitch.

CAPTION: Wait a minute...wasn't it Kate that's the Bad Person Dangerous To Know here? What's going on here?

ROBBERS: [to Hutton] Are you the manager? I said, are you the manager?

HUTTON: Yes.

JASON: Good. Then let's open the money cage now, before people start getting killed.

ROBBER #2: Don't look at me, look at the floor.

[Shot of Kate.]

CAPTION: Okay, that was weird. First, we think Kate's nice, because she has freckles and is really good at sewing up Jack's gaping wounds. Then, we think Kate's bad because it turns out she was wanted by the law. But then, we think she's nice, because she helps out an Aussie farm guy with a hell of a mortgage. But then, we think she's bad because, hey, she's giving a false name to this bank officer guy. But then, we think she's this innocent victim because the robbers are calling her names and telling her to get on the floor and...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! Does anyone else need a Valium now?

[Back to the beach. Shot of Kate going into Sawyer's tent. She sees him sleeping with the case between his knees. She sneaks up and tries to take it, but he grabs her and traps her with his legs around her waist.]

SAWYER: Gotcha.

KATE: Get off of me.

SAWYER: Golly, I hate to bicker about positions, sweetheart. But I think you're the one on top. Maybe you're not here for the case at all.

CAPTION: Hey, here's an idea. Kate could have sex with Sawyer, and then afterwards steal the case when he's not paying attention. Nah, Sawyer wouldn't fall for someone stealing something from him after he had been distracted by sex. That could NEVER happen.

[Kate head-butts him and tries to grab the case, but Sawyer is stronger.]

SAWYER: Ow, woman. If you wanted to play rough, all you had to do was say so. You want to try for it again?

KATE: Give it to me.

SAWYER: No.

[Kate walks away.]

CAPTION: By my count, that's Kenny 2, Spenny 0.

Act 3

[Shot of Shannon sunning herself. Sayid limps up.]

SAYID: We're quite close to the equator. The sun might be stronger than what you're used to.

SHANNON: I have a pretty good base.

CAPTION: Shannon is such a regular customer for Coppertone that, to save money on shipping, one of the factories is right behind her house.

SAYID: There was a matter I was going to ask you about.

[Shannon sits up with no top on, covering her front with a pink shawl.]

CAPTION: Kate taking her pants off, Shannon nearly going topless...was this show on during sweeps week?

SHANNON: What?

SAYID: I need a favor. I need your help translating some papers I took from Rousseau.

SHANNON: Who's Rousseau?

SAYID: The French woman -- the distress call we intercepted.

CAPTION: "Oh yeah, you mean the one that said 'everyone is dead, they were all killed'. No problem, Sayid, I'll be right there. That seems like something I really want to get involved in."

SHANNON: Did my brother put you up to this?

SAYID: Your brother? No. The papers contain equations accompanied by notations in French. If I could understand the notations, then. . .

SHANNON: Sorry, can't do it.

SAYID: You're the only person on this island who speaks French.

SHANNON: I barely speak French.

CAPTION: "That's not true. I heard you with Boone yesterday, and you said 'Pardon my French' and then said a whole lot of things afterward..."

SAYID: Please, Shannon, can you at least try?

[Reaction shot of Shannon. Shot of Sawyer trying to pick the lock on the case.]

SAWYER: [frustrated that he can't open the case] Son of a bitch!

MICHAEL: [passing by] You're wasting your time, man. If you pick the lock on a Halliburton, I'll put you on my back and fly us to LA.

CAPTION: Don't do it, Sawyer. Michael Dawson Airlines has lousy in-flight movies.

SAWYER: You better find yourself a runway, daddy, cuz there ain't a lock I can't pick.

HURLEY: [coming up along-side Michael] What's he trying to do?

MICHAEL: Pick the lock on a Halliburton.

HURLEY: [laughing, walking away] Good luck.

CAPTION: Here's a better idea - why not subcontract the job out to a bunch of the president's cronies?

MICHAEL: The only way you're going to open that case is with pure force, man. Impact velocity.

SAWYER: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

MICHAEL: You've got to hit it with something hard, like a sledgehammer. Or the axe.

CAPTION: "Or the New York Times Sunday Crossword..."

[Shot of Boone making his way through dense jungle with the axe. He comes upon Locke sitting.]

LOCKE: You got it?

BOONE: [giving/throwing the axe to Locke] Yeah. Right there. Isn't there any easier way to get there?

LOCKE: The easiest way isn't always the best. Did anybody see you take it?

BOONE: No, I don't think so.

LOCKE: Well, which is it?

BOONE: Sorry?

LOCKE: No? Or, I don't think so?

CAPTION: Can't you just picture Locke as this little wrinkly green dude in a tiny cape saying "Do or do not, there is no try"?

BOONE: No.

LOCKE: Good. Let's get to work.

[Shot of Rose dragging a piece of wreckage across the beach. She passes by Charlie.]

ROSE: Hello, Charlie. [He doesn't respond.] Oh, that's right, you're not talking much these days. It doesn't mean you get to be rude.

CAPTION: So how do mimes get away with it?

CHARLIE: Excuse me?

ROSE: Everybody else is helping us move the camp up the beach except for you.

CHARLIE: Are you serious?

ROSE: Do you think you're the only one on this island that's got something to be sad about? Baby, I've got sob stories for you, so why don't you grab the other end of this thing and help me. Well?

CAPTION: Ah yes, that's another one of those great exchanges here on the Charlie-Rose show, isn't it? (Okay, that one was just sad.)

[Charlie reluctantly gets up to help. Shot of Sawyer trying to open the case by smashing it on a rock, which doesn't open the case.]

SAWYER: Come on. Come on, god.

CAPTION: One wonders how stubborn that Sawyer really is about this whole business with the case.

[Shot of Sawyer, now at the top of the cliff above.]

CAPTION: Pretty stubborn, apparently.

SAWYER: Impact velocity -- physics my ass. Alright. [He drops the case but it doesn't open.] Son of a.... Unbelievable. [Kate runs up and grabs the case.] Hey, hey, don't even think about it. Hey. Damn it.

CAPTION: How much is Kate cutting Michael in for coming up with that 'impact velocity' canard to get Sawyer to toss the thing off the cliff?

[Shot of Sawyer chasing Kate through the jungle. He catches her.]

SAWYER: Hell, Freckles, I knew you wanted it. I just didn't know how bad.

[Kate tries to head-butt him again.]

SAWYER: Whoa-hoa, you're going to have to come up with a new move.

[She head-butts him again.]

CAPTION: Nah, the classics never die.

SAWYER: Ow, god, okay, okay. [Sawyer grabs the case.] Okay, this is just silly. Hold on. I've got a proposition for you. You tell me what's inside and I'll give it to you.

KATE: Are you serious?

SAWYER: Hell, no way to open the damn thing. At this point all I care about is satisfying my own curiosity. [Kate lunges for the case.] Whoa, easy, sweetheart, I don't really care what it is. What's burning me up is why it means so much to you. -- Last chance. Alright.

[Sawyer walks away with the case.]

CAPTION: Now why wouldn't Kate just say "It's a signed picture of Bobby Darin, I just think he's so neato" or something equally stupid, then Sawyer could say "Geez that's boring, but okay, here ya go, I'm a man of my word", and then Kate would have the case? He did just say he couldn't open the thing. It's not like Kate has to tell the truth about what's in there. Besides, the actual truth, as we will soon see, is actually stupider than any lie she could come up with.

[FLASHBACK]

[We are back at the bank robbery.]

JASON: [off-camera at first] Give me the key, now. I'm tired of asking nice. Give me the money cage key, now.

HUTTON: You're just going to kill me, anyway, why would I give you. . .

JASON: [hitting Hutton so he falls] You think we're in a conversation, here, huh?

CAPTION: "You're right. I do talk too much. I'll just have a lie down here and think about how dumb it would be for me to give you the key because you're just going to kill me anyway."

ROBBER #2: Everybody be cool. You want to go home? Don't look at me, look at the floor. Be calm, stay down.

JASON: [to Hutton] Listen to me, I am not going to ask you again. I want that key.

BASEBALL HAT: I can take him.

CAPTION: Hey, look - a talking baseball hat!

KATE: What?

BASEBALL HAT: The tall guy, he's not watching us... It's now or never. Keep your head down.

[Baseball Hat grabs Six Foot Five (one of the robbers) and the gun falls and slides toward Kate.]

CAPTION: Inexplicably, this robber is named "Six Foot Five", which only makes the naming of "Robber #2" seem all that less imaginative. And what about "Jason"? Come on, everyone in the 1980s named their kids Jason. And all the girls were named Brittany.

BASEBALL HAT: Pick it up, pick it up. Shoot him. Shoot him. What's wrong with you, shoot the gun. Turn off the safety.

[Kate picks up the gun and stands up. Points the gun. Tries firing. Jason comes over.]

JASON: Give me that gun.

BASEBALL HAT: Other side, turn it off.

KATE: I don't know how to use a gun.

CAPTION: "Ooh, guns are so confusing. I wouldn't understand how to used them. They're so complicated. Now, nunchuks, on the other hand, I totally get. I'm more of a ninja warrior princess type anyway."

[Baseball Hat gets knocked out by the other robbers. Jason grabs the gun from Kate.]

ROBBER #2: You want to get shot, fat boy, huh?

JASON: [grabbing Kate by the neck] Okay, little hero. . .

KATE: No, please don't.

JASON: Shut up. Let's you and me go talk, huh?

[He drags her into a room. Hutton looks on, worried. Jason slams the door, rips off his mask.]

JASON: I don't know how to use a gun? That's classic.

KATE: [laughs] Yeah.

[Kate and Jason kiss.]

CAPTION: Um, does this mean we won't be able to preorder copies of that darling coffee-table book about the rural theatres?

Act 4

[Shot of Sayid and Shannon at a make-shift table with maps and papers laid out.]

SHANNON: You never said anything about math.

SAYID: You worry about the French, I'll take care of the math.

CAPTION: Math isn't so much of a problem, but let's face it, everyone's worried about the French. Here's an entire country full of people who think Jerry Lewis is a genius.

SHANNON: I can't do this.

SAYID: If you really put your mind to it, I know you can, Shannon. Where did you learn to speak French?

SHANNON: I knew this guy.

SAYID: This guy?

CAPTION: "Yeah, this guy. His name was Guy. Well, actually, in French it's pronounced 'Gie'. So he was a guy named Gie. But it turned out he was gay. A guy named Gie who was gay..."

SHANNON: In France, in Saint Tropez. I kind of lived there for a while.

SAYID: Well, they say that is the best way to learn a foreign language.

CAPTION: The ad for the au pair position she filled out said it was in a foreign country and involved the use of a foreign tongue. Shannon signed right up and never looked back.

SHANNON: [going back to working on the papers] Alright. Let me see.

[Shot of Sun with some plants in the caves. Jack approaches.]

JACK: [pointing to one of her plants] So, what is this? What is this for?

[Sun puts her hands to her temples and makes like she's in pain.]

SUN: 두통에 쓰이는 약초인데, 그러니까…

CAPTION: "I just saw the Carrot Top: Live In Vegas DVD..."

JACK: A headache? [Sun nods.] Oh, cool, alright.

KATE: [entering] Jack? We got a problem.

JACK: We have a problem? Or, you have a problem?

KATE: [looking toward Sun like she doesn't want Sun to hear] Jack, you're the only one who knows about me. [They move off a little ways.] Before I left the city, the Marshal who was escorting me, he had this silver case. The airline wouldn't let him bring the case on the plane. It was hard enough trying to convince them to let him wear a gun on his ankle. But the case, they made him check it.

JACK: What was in the case?

KATE: Some traveling money, some of his personal stuff. And 4 nine millimeters with a few boxes of ammo.

JACK: Guns?

KATE: Guns.

[Shot of Sun overhearing.]

CAPTION: Oh great, so now Sun knows. And if Sun knows, Kim Jong Il will know soon enough. And then the escalation will truly begin.

JACK: So, where is the case now?

KATE: Sawyer has it.

JACK: Aha.

KATE: He hasn't been able to open it.

JACK: Lucky for us.

KATE: He will. Sooner or later.

CAPTION: "Even though I could have gotten the thing out of his hands laughingly easily by coming up with any old lame but moderately plausible story, like I've done so many times during the years of experience I've amassed as a fugitive from federal law enforcement authorities. But hey, much better to have a nice crisis for you to solve - you like to fix things, right?"

JACK: So, what do you need me to do?

KATE: I know where the key is. The Marshal, he kept it in his wallet. In his back pocket.

JACK: I buried him, Kate.

KATE: I know. Where?

CAPTION: Doesn't Kate strike you as the kind of girl who would know where the bodies are buried?

JACK: So, what else is in the case?

KATE: What?

JACK: What else is in the case, Kate?

KATE: Nothing.

JACK: That's the truth?

KATE: Just the guns.

CAPTION: She's lying. Oh, and this just in as well - rain is wet.

JACK: If you want my help, we're going to open the case together.

KATE: Okay.

JACK: Okay.

[Shot of Charlie and Rose moving stuff on the beach.]

CHARLIE: Why are you smiling?

ROSE: Am I?

CHARLIE: You look -- happy.

ROSE: Well, I guess I must be then.

CHARLIE: There's no reason to be happy, things are awful.

CAPTION: Hey, that's the name of the title track from Bobby McFerrin's lesser-appreciated sequel album!

ROSE: They're not that awful.

CHARLIE: We're stranded on an island. No one's coming for us.

ROSE: You don't know that.

CHARLIE: Well, what I do know, is there's something in that jungle that eats people.

CAPTION: "It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater, a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater..."

CHARLIE: Just because we haven't heard from it in a couple of weeks doesn't mean it won't get hungry again. And I know there's a person, or people, that are trying to hurt us. . .

ROSE: Charlie. Nobody blames you.

CHARLIE: What?

ROSE: For what happened to Claire. It's not your fault.

CAPTION: Agreed - only the scriptwriters should get the blame for that.

ROSE: You did everything that you could do. And you came very close to dying yourself.

CHARLIE: Maybe I should have died.

ROSE: You know what I think, Charlie? You need to ask for help.

CHARLIE: Who's going to help me?

CAPTION: Well, we can narrow it down to people who have never seen the video for "You All Everybody"...

[Shot of the jungle floor.]

KATE: [off camera, at first] So, why didn't you put him with the others, when you burned the fuselage?

JACK: Because I needed to bury him.

CAPTION: "So it's not just a convenient excuse for me to go digging him up in this episode, then?"

[Jack and Kate grab some make-shift shovels.]

KATE: So you ready to do this?

[FLASHBACK]

[We are back at the bank.]

JASON: Hell, yeah, by now their imaginations are running wild.

KATE: Don't hold back. He won't talk if the details are off.

JASON: You and your details, Maggie. [He hits her.]

[Jason brings Kate out from the back room with red marks on her face.]

CAPTION: Well, that was pretty extreme. Whatever it is they're going to steal from this bank, it must be worth Kate voluntarily getting slapped around by her boyfriend, there. What could be worth all that?

JASON: Okay, hero.

KATE: No, please don't. I've got...

JASON: [pushing Kate to the floor] Shut up.

ROBBER #3: Everybody just relax. I said quiet.

JASON: Okay, Mr. Manager, you want to be a hard-ass? Protect a vault that doesn't even belong to you?

CAPTION: Yeah...you want someone to really guard that money, you need Scrooge McDuck. "Och! Hands off that vault! That's my money!" Of course, if Scrooge McDuck were on this show, then these robbers would have to be dressed like the Beagle Boys. But that would be cool, because then each of the robbers would be called 167716 or 761176 or something...much better than "Robber #2", don't you think?

[Kate is shaking her head no at the manager.]

JASON: Okay? There's going to be consequences.

KATE: He's going to kill me anyway.

JASON: I said... if you don't shut up. You've got 3 seconds to give me that damn key. 1, 2, [cocks his gun], 3.

HUTTON: Alright, I'll give it to you.

CAPTION: "I hate it when he says it the third time...it just irritates me..."

JASON: Good. Let's go, right around here. Let's go.

[Shot of Kate and Jack digging up the grave of the Marshal. Coughing and gagging.]

JACK: Okay, alright?

KATE: Compared to what?

JACK: You want me to. . .

KATE: No, I'll do it.

[Kate gets the wallet from the Marshal's back pocket, much gagging going on. Kate gets it and jumps out of the grave.]

JACK: Did you get it?

KATE: Yeah.

[Kate opens the wallet which has maggots in it and throws it on the ground. Jack picks it up and looks through it.]

JACK: Key isn't in here.

KATE: It isn't?

JACK: No, but that was real good sleight-of-hand distracting me with the wallet. [Jack grabs Kate's closed hand.] Open it. [Kate opens her hand to reveal the key which Jack takes.]

CAPTION: Kate was on David Blaine's Street Magic. She helped him do these low-budget illusions, and the guys in the hood would say "Oh man, I did NOT just see that!" and that kinda stuff. (In a later season of this show, this whole island disappears...which shocked everyone except Kate, who had seen that trick done a million times...though she is forbidden from telling anyone how it's done, of course.)

KATE: Jack, I. . .

JACK: Don't. Don't. [Jack walks away.]

CAPTION: Apparently, a thousand lies is Jack's limit.

Act 5

[We see Shannon and Sayid working on the translation.]

SHANNON: A des reflets d'argent. La mer des reflets changeants -- the sea of sparkles? No, wait, um, the sea of silver sparkles that change. [Sort of laughing] It's the same as the last one.

CAPTION: Ah yes, "the sea of sparkles". Just the sort of thing a woman depressed by the fact that she killed her entire science expedition might write. Where's the part that reads "the land of gumdrops and sugarplums"?

SAYID: Are you sure? [Slightly annoyed.] But the equation is completely different. It doesn't relate. What you're saying doesn't make any sense.

SHANNON: Okay?

SAYID: What about this one? It should say something about latitude or longitude, something about the stars. . .

SHANNON: Okay, just give me some room, okay? Um, next to the pond, blue, um, blue eternity, blue eternity? No, wait, no, blue infinity.

SAYID: Blue infinity?

CAPTION: Shannon used to drive a blue Infinity, actually.

SHANNON: Blue infinity. There's something about this that is so familiar.

SAYID: You've been telling me what sounds very much like nonsense for the past hour and now it seems to me. . .

SHANNON: Okay, a) I told you that my French sucks, and b) this isn't my nonsense, okay? Did you ever think that after 16 years on mystery frickin' island your friend might not be quite adjusted?

CAPTION: Hey, if this is Mystery Frickin' Island, it's too bad Jessica Fletcher wasn't one of the survivors. All the mysteries of the Island would be solved before the last commercial break...

SAYID: [picking up the papers] This was a mistake.

SHANNON: Yeah, haven't you heard? I'm completely useless.

CAPTION: Of all the things that are seriously wrong on this island, why are we all now concerned about a pampered rich girl's self-esteem? Oh yes, there's a non-corporeal smoke monster loose on the island, as well as rogue polar bears and scary impostors who kidnap pregnant women...but first, let's all deal with the fact that Shannon feels bad about herself.

[Shannon walks off. Shot of Sawyer at his tent, Jack approaches.]

JACK: Sawyer.

SAWYER: Doctor? What can I do you for? [Jack points to the case.] Figured she'd get you to do her dirty work for her. So what? Are we going to wrestle for it?

JACK: No, you're going to give it to me.

SAWYER: Am I?

JACK: Yeah.

SAWYER: I'm just going to give it to you?

JACK: Yeah.

SAWYER: Why would I want to do that?

JACK: Cephalexin.

CAPTION: "Gesundheit."

SAWYER: Yeah, go on?

JACK: That's the antibiotic I've been giving you for the knife wound in your arm. You're right in the middle of the treatment cycle now, if I keep giving you the pills you're going to be as right as rain. But I'm going to stop giving you the pills. And for 2 days you're going to think you're all good, then it's going to start to itch. The day after that the fever's going to come and you're going to start seeing red lines running up and down your arm. A day or two after that you'll beg me to take the case, just to cut off your arm.

SAWYER: That's a nice story, Jack. And, even if it were true, I don't think you could do it.

CAPTION: Wasn't this the guy that gave Sayid a big ol' okie-dokie to torture you for withholding an asthma inhaler?

JACK: You're wrong.

SAWYER: Did she tell you what's inside? [Jack shakes his head.] Yeah, me neither. [He gives the case to Jack.] Hope you got yourself some jaws-of-life back in cave-town, that's what it's going to take to pop this bitch.

JACK: I'll figure something out.

SAWYER: I know you think you're doing her a favor. But however she talked you into doing this, she lied, brother.

CAPTION: "Yeah, but her nose gets all crinkly when she lies, and it's just soooooo cute..."

[Shot of Kate sitting on the beach with her far-away look, Jack walks up with the case.]

KATE: Jack?

JACK: We're going to do this together.

KATE: Why?

JACK: Because that's what I said we'd do.

CAPTION: Oh, snap! Did he just say he'd do that because he said he'd do that because he thinks she doesn't do what she says she will do? Yo, that's harsh, man!

[Jack walks off and Kate follows.]

[FLASHBACK]

[Back to the robbery.]

JASON: What the hell you waiting for? Open the damn thing. [Hutton opens the door.] Well, now we're talking. Don't move.

KATE: Please, don't. I can't. ..

JASON: Shut up.

HUTTON: I let you in, now please, let the girl go.

JASON: Let the girl go? Man, you have no idea, do you? The girl is the one who set you up. The girl picked this bank, picked this vault. This whole thing is the girl's idea. [He takes his mask off.]

CAPTION: Will there ever be villains who don't blab about the ingeniousness of their plans?

KATE: What are you doing?

JASON: [pointing gun at Hutton] Easy, Maggie -- just cleaning up after myself.

[Kate grabs a gun from Robber #2 and points it at Jason.]

KATE: You shoot, I shoot.

HUTTON: Please, what's. . .

KATE: I said, no one gets hurt.

JASON: I know you're cold, baby. But you're not that cold.

[He cocks his gun. Kate shoots him in the leg. Then she shoots Robber #2 & #3.]

JASON: You shot me, stupid bit. . .

KATE: Shut up, Jason.

CAPTION: "I let you hit me, so just shut up and let me shoot you. Fair is fair."

ROBBER #2: I told you not to trust her.

KATE: [to Hutton] I need the key to safety deposit box 815, now.

CAPTION: That number 815 is kind of ironic. That's because it was around that time that I started to tune out this crazy scene in the bank vault.

HUTTON: Who are you?

KATE: The key to the box, now.

HUTTON: You need 2 keys. The bank's, and. . . [Kate holds up a key]. If you had the customer key, why would you need. . .

KATE: I'm not on the signatory card.

CAPTION: So let's get this straight...instead of simply forging documents so it looked like she was one of the signatories, she decided to...aid and abet a bank robbery, during the course of which there have been numerous acts of felony violence. What a plan! Such restraint! Such a proportional relationship of means to ends! She could totally get a job with the Defense Department!

JASON: You put me up to this to get into a safe deposit box? I swear to god, you better kill me, Maggie. Because if you don't. . .

KATE: My name's not Maggie. [to Hutton] Now, go.

[Kate opens the box which reveals an envelope inside.]

[Shot of Jack with the case.]

JACK: Anything you want to tell me? [Kate doesn't respond.] Alright then. [Jack opens the box and pulls out money, guns, ammo, and finally an envelope marked Personal Effects. Jack opens it and hands Kate a smaller envelope.]

JACK: Is this it? Is this what you wanted?

[Kate opens the envelope and pulls out a small "toy" airplane.]

CAPTION: Yup. A toy airplane. Kate participated in the robbery of the First National Bank of the Mojave Desert for a friggin' toy airplane. Really, you have to ask yourself what's scarier - criminals robbing a bank with guns, threatening people's lives and making them wonder if they'll ever see their loved ones again...or criminals doing all that, but so they can get some little crap trinket that looks like it could have come with a McDonald's Happy Meal.

JACK: What is it?

KATE: It's nothing.

JACK: What is it, Kate?

KATE: You wouldn't understand.

CAPTION: No kidding. How many of you understand? Raise your hands. Seriously.

JACK: I want the truth, just this once. What is it?

KATE: It belonged to the man I loved.

JACK: The truth.

KATE: It belonged to the man I loved.

JACK: Stop lying and tell me the truth.

KATE: I'm not. It belonged to the man I killed.

CAPTION: Psst...Kate...the last two times you said "loved". This time you said "killed". Those kinds of inconsistencies could lead people to doubt your story.

[Kate sits down and starts crying. Jack looks nonplussed, he closes up the case and walks away.]

Act 6

[Shot of everyone moving up the beach. Walt with his dog. Rose sitting by a tree, Charlie approaches.]

CHARLIE: Your husband was in the tail section of the plane.

ROSE: Yes, he was. But he'll be back.

CHARLIE: You think he's still alive?

ROSE: I know he is.

CHARLIE: How?

ROSE: I just do. It's a fine line between denial and faith. It's much better on my side.

CAPTION: That is so true. For example, George Michael never could have recorded a song called "You Gotta Have Denial".

[Charlie starts crying.]

CHARLIE: Help me.

ROSE: Baby, I'm not the one that can help you... Heavenly Father, we thank you. We thank you for bringing us together tonight, and we ask that you show Charlie the path...

CAPTION: And that's the conclusion of another Charlie-Rose show...next week on the program, Charlie and Rose interview author Gore Vidal.

[Shot of Shannon walking up to Sayid on the beach.]

SHANNON: The guy from Saint Tropez, he had this kid, a real snot, who hated me. His name was Laurent. He watched this movie over and over and over again, everyday, all day, the way kids do, 900 times. It was the cartoon about fish, you know, one of the computer ones?

SAYID: Why are you telling me this?

SHANNON: Because the movie was dubbed in French. And at the end there was this song. Those notations, they're song lyrics. And your French woman, she's just like Laurent, because she wrote them over and over and over again.

SAYID: What's the song?

[Shannon starts singing the song La Mer in French. Shot of Boone looking at them from behind a tree with a weird look on his face. Shot of Jack walking by Kate, looking at her. Shot of Kate with her little airplane.]


And so we come to the end of another episode, with Shannon making the brilliant discovery that Danielle Rousseau, in addition to being a complete loonburger, is also a big fan of Pixar's Finding Nemo. But perhaps she and Sayid would be too quick to reject the idea that the original lyrics to the song La Mer have no relationship to the mysteries of the Island. Note in the following translation of that well-known French ballad, how the relevance of those lyrics is only too clear...and we'll see you next time...

Song lyrics for La Mer by Charles Trenent

La mer The sea

Qu'on voit danser le long des golfes clairs which one sees dancing along the clear gulfs

A des reflets d'argent has sparkles of silver.

La mer The sea

Des reflets changeants of changing sparkles

Sous la pluie under the rain.

La mer The sea

Au ciel d'ete confond covers up a secret tracking station

Ses blancs moutons called the Looking Glass

Avec les anges si purs operated by Bonnie and Greta

La mer bergere d'azur the code for entry to which is "blue

Infinie infinity".

Voyez You'll see

Pres des etangs near the ponds

Ces grands roseaux mouilles the entrance to the foot of the statue.

Voyez You'll see

Ces oiseaux blancs a hieroglyph of a bunch of birds

Et ces maisons rouillees indicating the location of Jacob's cabin.

La mer The sea

Les a berces separates us

Le long des golfes clairs from the Hydra Station on the next Island

Et d'une chanson d'amour which is where we do secret experiments.

La mer The sea

A berce mon coeur pour la vie covers up all our really cool secrets.

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