Disenhanced Episode 11: All The Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues

Yes, it's the long-awaited (Who waited? Did you wait? If not, why not?!) Return of the Disenhanced Episodes. I got kind of tired of typing after Episode 10, so I went on "hiatus" for a bit.

But here we are back for Episode 11, also known as The Episode Where Jack Narcs On His Dad To The Federales. This is one of my favorite episodes of Lost as far as pure psychosocial higgledy-piggledy goes.

But let's not jump too far ahead of the action, though. In our last episode, we discovered that Ethan Rom, despite his highly convincing name (who wouldn't believe that a person can be surnamed Read Only Memory?) and despite his equally convincing claim to be from Canada (maybe it stands for Royal Ontario Museum?), is in fact an Evil Other. Following a grand tradition in television writing, we only learned a smidge too late to help people the Evil One is to imperil - in this case, Claire and Charlie.

Fortunately, a second grand narrative tradition will be foregone, that of the Evil One donning a black top hat and cape, smoothing out his handlebar mustache and cackling "HEE HEE HEE" whilst tying Claire and Charlie to a railroad track.

Act 1

[Shot of Sayid passed out.]

HURLEY: He wasn't on the plane.

KATE: Who wasn't on the plane?

HURLEY: Ethan, the Canadian guy, he is not on the passenger manifest.

JACK: Well, where the hell is he?

HURLEY: I don't know. I saw him yesterday, but now. . .

JACK: [yelling] Has anyone seen Ethan?

KATE: Sayid's leg.

CAPTION: Oh, yes, not to distract from the five-star full-blown internal security freakout to mention that one of your pals is stretched out unconscious in front of you. (You know, this show really is so like America...)

JACK: Has anyone seen Ethan?

MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah. He went to go get some wood. He took off on the path to the beach. Is he okay? What happened?

JACK: Where's Charlie?

KATE: What?

JACK: Where's Charlie?

LOCKE: He went after Claire.

CAPTION: Interoffice memo from Cuse to Lindelof - "So first Jack asks if anyone has seen Ethan. Then he asks where Charlie is and is told he's gone after Claire. Even the most braindead viewer will get the idea just from those two developments. The next scene practically writes itself, and that will save ABC a lot of money. You know, if we write enough dialogue like this, we might be able to skip the entirety of Season'd all be 'implied'."

[Shot of Locke and Jack running through the jungle.]

LOCKE: [stopping short] Jack!

[Shot of Claire's bag.]

JACK: She was moving back to the beach. Claire. That's hers. What happened? What. . .

LOCKE: I don't know. Footprints. At least three distinct sets all over the place. It looks like there might have been a struggle.

CAPTION: Wait a many people are unaccounted for at the moment? Three. How many sets of footprints are there? At That's just a ballpark figure of course. But, um, I least three.

[Locke sees something.]

JACK: What? What is it?

LOCKE: Drag marks. Here. And here.

CAPTION: Hey, Claire's far enough along in her pregnancy to have developed drag marks!

JACK: Claire and Charlie, they were together.

LOCKE: I think they've been taken.

JACK: [yelling] Claire!! Charlie! Claire!

CAPTION: By not calling "Ethan!" along with these other names, Jack's expressly buying into the idea that Ethan is the nefarious abductor of his friends. However, by shouting at all, he is failing to recognize that nefarious abductors of one's friends seldom respond to shouted entreaties to return those friends. Man of science, perhaps, but not a man of logic.

LOCKE: Jack. Jack. [He puts his finger to his mouth] Shhhh.

Act 2

[Shot of a broken branch. Locke approaching, showing it to Jack.]

LOCKE: Tracks are still fresh.

JACK: This doesn't make any sense. How can one man drag off two people, one of them pregnant?

LOCKE: You're asking the wrong question. Not how, why?

CAPTION: Actually, I kind of thought Jack's question was equally good. Claire probably weighs too much to be carried off very effectively, plus Charlie would be nipping at Ethan's heels like some kind of a English strain chihuahua. That would be kinda tricky.

JACK: You think it was Ethan.

LOCKE: It certainly feels like it was Ethan, doesn't it?

JACK: By himself. How?

LOCKE: We can't account for all of our people. And, more importantly, who's to say they're even our people?

CAPTION: Well, when Hurley finishes his census, there will be at least one person who could say this.

JACK: What?

LOCKE: Sayid said there were others.

JACK: Sayid said we're not alone.

LOCKE: Semantics.

CAPTION: If that. What the heck was Jack's point here anyways? "Sayid said there were others." "No, Sayid said we're not alone. Hah! Gotcha! You were totally misrepresenting what Sayid said..." Is there any way of not being alone that doesn't suggest the presence of some others? What are we missing here?

JACK: Sayid's injured. We're not even sure where he went. He's delirious.

LOCKE: I'm just telling you what the ground is telling me.

JACK: So which way is the ground telling you that they went?

CAPTION: Later on, Jack will scoff whenever Locke goes on about the Island talking to him. For some reason, he's okay with it here, though.

LOCKE: Jack, we don't know what's going on here.

JACK: We know enough.

LOCKE: We need to prepare. We could be back at the caves in 10 minutes, organize a search party, get wea. . .

JACK: Which way did they go, Locke?

CAPTION: " want to know which way they went...see, I didn't quite get that..."

[Locke points with his knife. Shot of Jack running through the jungle.]


[We see Jack in surgery.]

NURSE: . . . stats are dropping.

JACK: C'mon, c'mon.

NURSE #2: BP's falling. She's bleeding out.

JACK: No, I've got the artery almost there.

CAPTION: "Let me just get that bit right there, and...what the hell is that, angel hair pasta?!?!"

NURSE #2: She's in arrest.

JACK: 1 milligram epi. Let's get the crash cart over here. Alright, artery's sealed. Close her up.

NURSE: Defib.

JACK: Charge

NURSE: Charged.

JACK: Clear. [The defibrillator doesn't start her heart] Charge.

NURSE: We're charged.

JACK: Clear.

[It still doesn't work, Jack starts doing CPR.]

JACK: Come on, come on back now, come on. Come on now. Come on back. Come on.

[Shot of Jack's father.]


CAPTION: This is pretty strange. Jack is trying to save a patient, but for some reason his father is in there to tell him that, gosh darnit, it's just not realistic this time - it's time to give up and call the time of death.

JACK: [still giving CPR] Come on, baby, come back. Come back. Come on, baby, come on. Come on now. You can do this. Come on. Come on.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: Call it, Jack. It's over, call it.

CAPTION: Why oh why does this seem so peculiar, that Jack's father would be helping his son make this decision? After all, Jack's father would be totally, totally objective about this, since this isn' patient lying on the table, correct?

JACK: [taking his mask off] You call it.

CAPTION: Ooh, bad vibes. And all because his dad came in to very helpfully assist him in deciding when to call the time of death. Talk about ingratitude.

[Back on the island.]

KATE: You let him go alone?

LOCKE: Don't worry. I'll catch up. What's the word from the beach?

CAPTION: Bird bird bird. The bird is the word. Bird bird bird. The bird is the word. Haven't you heard about the bird? Bird bird bird. The bird is the word.

KATE: Nothing. Nobody has seen him.

[Locke gives Kate a knife.]

KATE: I'm coming with you.

LOCKE: I figured you might.

CAPTION: Oh, gee, that is a real shocker, wasn't it?

SHANNON: [to Boone who's walking toward Locke and Kate] What are you doing? We need to get our water and get back to the beach. . .

BOONE: [to Locke] I heard you're forming a search party. Can I help?

SHANNON: This is a deserted island. There's no choppers, no Amber Alerts. How exactly are you going to find them?

CAPTION: "Well, I was thinking I'd go around yelling 'Claire! Charlie! Claire!' That'd work, wouldn't it?"

LOCKE: By following Ethan's trail. No one can walk through the wilderness without leaving signs, bending blades of grass, breaking twigs, especially with captives in tow. And yes, I could use another hand if you're up for it.

BOONE: I'm up for it.

LOCKE: [handing him a knife] Then let's get moving.

CAPTION: Oh yes, by all means...let's give Boone something sharp.

[Shot of Walt with Vincent.]

WALT: I could take Vincent, and he could sniff something that belonged to Charlie. And I can help.

MICHAEL: I said no, man. Hey, Locke. Hey, look, you know, a lot of us don't just want to sit here waiting for news.

LOCKE: Thanks, but we're set. Anyone else will just slow us down.

MICHAEL: Okay. Maybe I'll just put together another party.

LOCKE: Good idea. We're going north. I suggest you go south.

CAPTION: The first of Harold Perrineau's many, many grievances with the producers of Lost. So let me get this dialogue straight. "We're going to chase after whoever did this to Claire and Charlie. You...go as far as you can in the complete opposite direction." I'm surprised there wasn't a lawsuit.

[Shot of Walt looking at dad. Shot of Michael looking embarrassed.]

CAPTION: No kidding.

MICHAEL: [to Walt] Come on.

[Shot of Jack running, stopping, confused about where he's going. He finds a broken branch.]


[Shot of woman on operating table, dead, being covered with blanket.]

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: I never thought I'd see the day, Jack. You barge into my O.R. You work on my patient.

CAPTION: His patient? Wait a minute...

JACK: You didn't have to do this procedure.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: I don't have to do anything.

JACK: Yeah, of course, you don't.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: I chose to do this procedure, this emergency procedure, because when this girl crashed in the ER, they called me.

CAPTION: Strangely, "Lenny's Bar and Grill" on Pico is on the ER speed dial.

JACK: I was right upstairs.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: And you should have stayed upstairs. And how did you find out?

JACK: One of the nurses came to get me.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: Who? [Jack doesn't respond.] Oh, thank god I have you and some anonymous nurse to rescue me.

CAPTION: To complete the thought..."some anonymous nurse" who is still employed, thanks to Jack's well placed moment of silence.

JACK: She told me that your hands were shaking.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: My hands were not. . .

JACK: You cut her hepatic artery.

CAPTION: "But that'll be okay, doesn't she have another one of those?"

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: She was in a car crash, Jack. Her insides were a mess.

JACK: You made a mistake.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: They called me. I. . .

JACK: I don't care whether they called you. You made a mistake.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: Are you lecturing me? You tell me, if you were upstairs, and I was in a restaurant having lunch, then why did they call me?

CAPTION: Because Lenny's Bar and Grill has really good chili cheese fries available to go, and the nurses in Wing 5E were hungry.

JACK: How many drinks did you have at lunch, dad?

CAPTION: "That's an outrageous question, and you have no right to a response. How dare you...I absolutely refuse to answer either of you in response to such scurrilous accusations..."

[Back on the island.]

LOCKE: Jack. Jack. It's a good thing you were going in a circle. Not much of a search grid, but we never would have found you otherwise.

CAPTION: Whatever happened to using "No one can walk through the wilderness without leaving signs, bending blades of grass, breaking twigs, etc."?

KATE: [to Jack] Did you find anything?


LOCKE: You should go back to the caves -- Sayid's leg.

JACK: I dressed Sayid's leg. You found me, we can find Charlie and Claire. Now, do we have a trail to follow or not?

LOCKE: Jack, this was my fault.

JACK: What?

LOCKE: I hunted with Ethan. I spent time with him. I never sensed anything -- off.

CAPTION: Oh, this is great. The tiniest little thing happens on this island, and Locke claims to have sensed it all along. "The Island's trying to tell me this, the Island wants me to do that." But he can hunt all day with the The Mad Babynapper and not clue into anything being the slightest bit amiss.

LOCKE: But for everything that I know about hunting, tracking -- whoever he is, he knows more. If we catch up with him, I don't want anything to happen to the only trained physician on the island. So go back, be the doctor. Let me be the hunter.

CAPTION: A hunter? He kinda looks more like a farmer.

JACK: Can we go now?

LOCKE: Follow me.

[Shot of Michael with Hurley filling water bottles.]

MICHAEL: I'm trying to help and all the guy can tell me is go south? Like what? I'm going to get in his way or something?

HURLEY: We're all tweaked, man. Locke's just feeling it like the rest of us.

CAPTION: Tweaked is a polite term for what Locke is.

MICHAEL: So, what? There's five other guys who would've gone out there with me, putting our necks on the line to find Charlie and Claire. All I'm saying is I'm getting sick of getting treated like a second class citizen around here because Mount Baldy can bag a boar.

WALT: He knows a lot more than how to catch a boar. Mr. Locke is a warrior. He can hunt, he can track stuff, and he's the only who brought knives. So, if it were me, I would listen to him.

CAPTION: It doesn't say anything in Michael's parenting handbook about "What To Do When Your Son Is More Impressed With The Skinhead With All Those Knives Than He Is With You".

MICHAEL: Well, I don't want you to. You understand? [Walt nods.] You stay with Hurley. I may not be a warrior, but I am going south.

HURLEY: Back home, I'm known as something of a warrior myself.

CAPTION: Yeah, he was. He had 18 Strength, 16 Dexterity and a Cloak of Invisibility. The character's name was Sir Hurley of the Duchy of Eastangeles.

[Shot of Locke ripping fabric with his teeth.]

LOCKE: We mark our progress by line of sight. We tie these off so we don't get lost.

BOONE: You can lead us back to camp, right?

CAPTION: Boone, some words to remember - "It's a good thing you were going in a circle...we never would have found you otherwise." Where have we heard these words before?

LOCKE: If nothing happens to me.

BOONE: Maybe I better take marker detail.

[Locke smiles. Jack and Kate run up.]

JACK: Anything?

LOCKE: Not yet.

JACK: If you can't find the trail. . .

CAPTION: What, Locke, people not bending enough grass for you?

LOCKE: I'll pick it up again, alright? We need to rest for a minute to get our clarity back.

JACK: You're going to take a break? It's got to be almost 4 o'clock. When the sun sets there's no way. . .

LOCKE: It's 4:25. And, yes, I'm taking a break.

CAPTION: Time to have a spot of tea, what? Crumpets? Scones anyone? Yes, nightfall will envelope us all soon, and then we'll be in the middle of the jungle at night on an island with monsters and polar bears and psycho kidnappers...but that's no reason we can't have a civilized respite from the day's activities. One lump or two?

KATE: [to Jack] Can I talk to you for a sec? [They walk a bit away.] Would it kill you to give the guy a little space?

JACK: It might.

KATE: Stop that.

JACK: What?

KATE: That. What's going on?

JACK: I didn't believe her -- Claire. I gave her a sedative.

KATE: Jack, you can't. . .

JACK: She told me someone was after her, that she was being attacked, and I -- she just seemed so out of it. I thought that her pregnancy was amping up her stress and I. . . I didn't believe her.

CAPTION: Jack is truly going to learn from this moment and never, never be dismissive of anyone ever again.

LOCKE: [yelling] Jack!

[Shot of Locke's holding the "L" tape from Charlie's taped fingers. Shot of Charlie writing the "L".]

CAPTION: This is Charlie's way of saying that he wants to get the "L" out of here, one supposes. (Okay, that was too easy.)

KATE: What is it?

LOCKE: Look familiar?

JACK: It's Charlie's.

BOONE: You think it just came off?

JACK: No. He's leaving us a trail.

CAPTION: Okay, the secret is out. Ethan is taking Claire and Charlie to a giant house made out of cookies and candy.

[Locke nods.]

Act 3

[Shot of the search party.]

JACK: They went this way.

LOCKE: I'm not so sure. There's another trail here.

CAPTION: A bit of a "trail mix", if you will.

JACK: What do you mean, another?

LOCKE: These are footprints. People moved off this way.

JACK: Charlie's leaving these for us to follow [referring to the finger tapes]. They went that way.

KATE: Unless Charlie isn't the one leaving them. If Ethan knows that we're behind him, he could be setting up a dummy trail. Take off in one direction, double-back his own footprints.

BOONE: Wait? Now you're a tracker?

LOCKE: You're just full of surprises.

CAPTION: You can't blame Locke for not being pleased. He has kind of a one-tracker mind.

JACK: So, we've got two trails. Let's split up, I'll take that one.

LOCKE: No. We should stay together, Jack.

JACK: Why? We've got two trails, and, apparently, two trackers.

CAPTION: "So, I'll take the moral high road and you take the moral low road, and you'll all get shot at be-fooooore us..."

LOCKE: Be careful.

[They move off in two directions. Shot of Sawyer walking in the jungle.]

SAWYER: Who got taken by what?

WALT: Charlie and Claire, they think Ethan took them.

SAWYER: Ethan took them, heh?

CAPTION: Another thing...if you were taken away by someone named Ethan...wouldn't you just be so ashamed of yourself, you wouldn't even want someone to find you? It's kind of like being kidnapped by someone named Percy.

WALT: Yeah.

SAWYER: Took them why? And who the hell is Ethan?

WALT: I don't know. He wasn't on the list thing, the manifest.

SAWYER: Ever think he might have lied about his name?

WALT: It's stupid to lie about your name.

CAPTION: Walt Lloyd knows whereof he speaks...or should we say Thorvald Q. Gravenhage knows whereof he speaks...

SAWYER: Alrighty, Tattoo, where do you think Ethan came from?

CAPTION: The obvious question. If Walt is Tattoo, does that make this Fantasy Island? Oh, wait, maybe it's Fantasy Island's sister island, Craphole was just off camera, just behind Ricardo just couldn't see it.

WALT: Maybe he was already on the island, before we were.

SAWYER: You got yourself one hell of an imagination, kid.

WALT: There could be lots of other people on the island.

SAWYER: So a tribe of evil natives planted a ringer in the camp to kidnap a pregnant girl and a reject from VH-1 has-beens.

CAPTION: Gee, when he says it like that, it does sound kind of contrived...

SAWYER: Yeah, fiendishly clever. And why am I getting the evening news from a 6 year old.

WALT: I'm 10.

SAWYER: Okay, then it must be true.

WALT: If you don't believe me, ask Sayid. He said we're not alone.

SAWYER: Sayid's back?

CAPTION: And you're gonna be in trouble. Hey lie hey lie.

[Walt looks triumphant and walks away.]

[Shot of Boone tying red fabric to a tree.]

BOONE: Red shirt.


BOONE: Ever watch "Star Trek"?

LOCKE: Nah, not really.

BOONE: The crew guys that would go down to the planet with the main guys, the captain and the guy with the pointy ears, they always wore red shirts. And they always got killed.

LOCKE: Yeah?

BOONE: Yeah.

LOCKE: Sounds like a piss-poor captain.

CAPTION: A piss-poor live captain, though.

BOONE: What do you do in the real world, Mr. Locke?

LOCKE: It's John.

BOONE: John.

LOCKE: Why don't you guess?

BOONE: Well, you're either a taxidermist or a hit man?

LOCKE: [chuckling] I was a regional collection supervisor for a box company.

CAPTION: "S'right...I was a 'legitimate businessman'. S'all I'm sayin'. But you tell 'em all I'm a taxidermist, okay? Or I'll be back to collect from you, capisce?"

BOONE: A box company?

LOCKE: They made boxes.

BOONE: [to himself] Yeah, right.

[Shot of Kate running after Jack.]

KATE: Please, slow down.

CAPTION: Poor Kate. She's not used to all this running.

JACK: You said they went this way.

KATE: I think they went this way. I'm not as good at this as Locke is.

JACK: So where did you pick up the tracking skills, Kate? Was that before or after you were on the run?

CAPTION: Probably during. It's one of those things you kind of pick up on when a U.S. Marshal is bearing down on you.

KATE: I'm trying to help, Jack.

JACK: You know what might help? A little honesty. Just give me something real, anything.

KATE: My dad was in the army. Ranger Battalion. We were stationed in Fort Lewis, Washington State.

CAPTION: Wait a minute...isn't Washington state near Canada?!? Don't trust her, Jack!!

KATE: We'd go hiking together. One day we spend 8 hours tracking deer. Being in the woods, it was like -- it was like his religion. [Pause.] That was real. Anything you want to share, Jack?


[Jack walks into his father's office.]

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: Oh, thanks for coming in, Jack. Have a seat. [He turns a document around for Jack to see.]

JACK: What does it say?

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: The truth, that a patient was brought to the ER following a car accident, rushed into surgery with massive internal bleeding -- you joined me, and in spite of our most heroic efforts, the patient succumbed to her injuries.

CAPTION: The truth is most impressive in the hands of Christian Shephard. Was he ever a speechwriter for Leonid Brezhnev?

JACK: Looks like you fixed everything but the patient. You had no business being in O.R.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: Do you really think I would have walked in there if I couldn't handle it?

JACK: You've done it before.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: That's right, I have, because I am perfectly capable of making those. . .

JACK: How can you say that after what happened yesterday?

CAPTION: Come on, read the deposition he wants you to sign. His lawyers are obviously working on an argument that tomorrow never happened. It was Tuesday, then all of a sudden it was Thursday. How could the malfeasance have occurred on a Wednesday that never took place?

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: The problem is not that. . .

JACK: You were impaired.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: I know my limits.

CAPTION: It's the limits of others he seems not to grasp too well.

JACK: I won't sign this.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: You're a part of the team, Jack. I'm not the only one on the hook for this. You called me off. You were the surgeon of record when she died. Look, accidents happen in surgeries all the time, Jack. That's the truth and you know it. But if you contradict this report, if you mention alcohol, well, that's the only fact that's going to matter. They'll strip me of my license.

JACK: Yes, they will.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: I know I have been hard on you, but that is how you make a soft metal into steel. That is why you are the most gifted young surgeon in this city. And this, this is a career that is all about the greater good.

CAPTION: Jack was definitely not a Dr. Spock baby. Christian is definitely of the school of "I kicked your ass all those years because I'm a good father."

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: I've had to sacrifice certain aspects of my relationship with you so that hundreds and thousands of patients will live because of your extraordinary skills. [Long Pause.] I know it's a long, a long time coming. What happened yesterday, I promise you, will never happen again. And after all what I've given -- this is not just about my career, Jack. It's my life.

[Jack signs the report.]

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: Thank you, son. Thank you.

CAPTION: (affecting a superhero pose, while a flag waves patriotically in the background) "No's all in a day's work for...the Enabler!"

Act 4

[Shot of Sayid asleep in the caves. Sawyer approaches.]

SAWYER: Well, well, well. I don't know if you Islams got a concept of karma, but I get the sense this island just served you up a heaping platter of cosmic payback.

CAPTION: For the record, them Islams aren't allowed to have anything from off the platter of cosmic payback if it has pork in it.

SAYID: What do you want?

SAWYER: Dr. Do-Right doesn't trust me with his antibiotics so I have to hump it up here everyday just to get my meds.

CAPTION: Dr. Do-Right? Dudley's been promoted? "I'll medicate you, Nell!"

SAWYER: [He grabs a straight-edge from the "table".] You know, a less magnanimous man than I might just be thinking he could beat the ever-living-snot out of you right now without fear of reprisal.

SAYID: You want to take a shot? Take it. But know that I left this camp out of shame for what I did to you. It was never my intention to return.

SAWYER: Sorry, fresh out of sweet forgiveness. If it wasn't your intention to return, then why did you?

SAYID: I was taken prisoner by the French woman.

SAWYER: The one who's been sending out a distress signal for 16 years?

CAPTION: "No, Brigitte Bardot. But instead of remaining in bondage gear sensually applied to various parts of my body by Europe's premier sex kitten, I decided to come back here and make chit-chat with Redneck Boy. Of course, it was the one who sent out the freaking distress signal, you Appalachian abomination."

SAWYER: She's alive?

SAYID: She was on a science expedition. She said their ship wrecked.

SAWYER: She alone?

SAYID: She said that there are others on this island.

SAWYER: Her people?

SAYID: No. She believed they had all gotten sick. She murdered her entire team.

SAWYER: Right.

CAPTION: That's all Sawyer's going to say? "Right"? She murdered the entire science team, and Sawyer seems to be saying "Is that all?" (Isn't it interesting just how bad you have to be on this show before people think you've gone too far? She only murdered them? Well, I think we've all had days when we've murdered people, haven't we? I mean, we've all been there. We can totally empathize.)

SAWYER: And these others, who the hell are they?

SAYID: I don't know. She's never seen them.

SAWYER: Oh, she's never seen them, but she knows they're there.

SAYID: If you believe her.

SAWYER: Do you?

SAYID: Maybe. Maybe not. But on my way back I heard something in the jungle surrounding me.

CAPTION: That? Oh, that was just the money you could be saving with GEICO. (*cue music: "I Always Feel Like Somebody's Surrounding Me"*)

SAWYER: Something like what?

SAYID: Have you got something to say to me, Sawyer, or are you going to continue asking me questions you know I don't have the answers to?

SAWYER: [exiting] Tide's coming up the beach. Plane hull's almost in the water. Kept your signal fire burning.

CAPTION: Sawyer's almost making it sound like he was island-sitting for Sayid while he was on vacation - "Watered the plants three times a day, changed the boar litter, got the mail and put it in a stack in your tent..."

[Shot of Hurley and Walt playing Backgammon on the beach.]


WALT: Your blacks can't get in.

HURLEY: Yeah, I know my blacks can't get in.

WALT: My roll.

CAPTION: "Come on, come needs a serviceable pair of shoes, resistent to the elemental forces of nature on a tropical island..."

HURLEY: Yahoo.

WALT: Need a 4-3. [Walt then takes forever to roll.]

HURLEY: Dude, would you please roll?

WALT: [rolling a 4-3] Yes.


CAPTION: How strange. Walt rolled exactly the numbers he needed. What could account for such a thing?

WALT: Your turn.

[Hurley rolls a 6-3.]

WALT: It's okay, I wasn't very good when I first started playing, either.

HURLEY: I didn't just start playing. I took 17th in a tournament once.

WALT: 17th is not very good.

HURLEY: No, 17th is very good.

WALT: C'mon double 6's, double 6's. [He rolls double 6's.] Yes.

CAPTION: Again, how strange. A statistically difficult roll to make, and yet he made it. How very improbable.

HURLEY: Aw, you've got to be kidding me,

CAPTION: Agreed, it's all too improbable.

WALT: I'm lucky.

HURLEY: No one is that lucky.

CAPTION: There can therefore be only one possible explanation. The Island wants Walt to win at backgammon. A strange thing for an island to want, you say? Well, from backgammon, one proceeds to craps, and then the Island uses Walt to bilk the big Vegas casinos out of mucho dinero.

WALT: My dad said I was the luckiest person he ever knew.

HURLEY: Really?

WALT: Not Michael, Brian. My other dad. Yeah, um. . . [He rolls again and wins.] Yes! Yes! C'mon, one more game, double or nothing.

HURLEY: Can't. I have a meeting.

WALT: A meeting?

HURLEY: Yeah. A meeting.

WALT: You owe me 20 thousand dollars!

HURLEY: You'll get it.

CAPTION: Good thing you stopped there, Hurley. Any more double or nothing games and you might have started to be talking about some real money there.

[Shot of Locke and Boone in the jungle.]

BOONE: It's been all 15 minutes since we've seen any sign. What are we following?

LOCKE: My gut.


BOONE: Great.

LOCKE: So, Boone, what did you do in the real world?

BOONE: I run a business.

LOCKE: What kind of business?

BOONE: Uh, it's a wedding thing.


CAPTION: "Just what I said...I dominate the commanding heights of the modern economy as the manager and director of a large-scale business makes pretty frou-frou doilies and pastel swatches.

BOONE: My mother has this empire. The Martha Stewart of matrimony. I run one of the subsidiaries.

LOCKE: So who's running it now?

CAPTION: Oh no! Locke is right! That wedding business must have fallen completely apart without being able to rely upon Boone's highly competent leadership.

BOONE: I guess it doesn't matter, does it?

LOCKE: I'm sure there are people who can handle it, temporarily. It's going to start raining, in one minute.

BOONE: 1 minute?

LOCKE: Give or take a few seconds. You should turn around, Boone, and head back.

CAPTION: Yeah, or you'll get wet out here with me instead wet somewhere else on the island.

BOONE: What?

LOCKE: The trail's been cold for a quarter mile, dangerous terrain ahead. If you start now, you'll make it back to camp before dark.

BOONE: What about you?

LOCKE: I can take care of myself.

BOONE: No, I'm not heading back.

LOCKE: I admire your courage, but. . .

CAPTION: What's the old joke? There is a thin line separating courage and stupidity. Boone Carlyle has managed to erase that line.

BOONE: I'm not heading back.

LOCKE: [smiling] Alright.

[It starts raining and Locke stretching his arms out to greet it, and smiles.]

BOONE: They teach you how to predict the weather in a box company?

[Shot of Kate and Jack running along.]

JACK: I guess we were right. [Jack picks up one of Charlie's finger tape letters, "T".] Whereto now?

[Sound of something vaguely bird-like, mixed with sound of Claire screaming?]

CAPTION: Bird-like? How come we've had no theories on Lostpedia about this? Perhaps Ethan is actually half-man half-bird? What gods of the ancient world have bird-like qualities? Maybe there's some Mesopotamian bird-god that liked to carry off pregnant women? There must be some wiki entry to confirm this somewhere. Come on people, let's get cracking on this!

[We see Jack start running.]

KATE: Jack? Jack, where are you going? Jack?

JACK: Didn't you hear her?

KATE: What? Hear, hear who?

[Jack and Kate begin to climb a hill. Jack slips.]

KATE: Jack!

[Jack falls to the bottom, landing hard. Ethan appears before him and puts his foot on Jack's chest.]

ETHAN: If you do not stop following me, I will kill one of them.

CAPTION: "Well, I dunno...which one? If you mean Claire, then we'll stop. If you mean Charlie, we'll think it over. On the one hand, Charlie's kind of okay, but on the other, at least we know we'd potentially be saving the world from a possible Drive Shaft reunion tour."

ETHAN: [He pushes on Jack's chest with his foot.] Do you understand?

[Jack grabs Ethan's foot and fights with Ethan. Ethan kicks Jack's ass.]

ETHAN: No more warnings.

[Ethan kicks Jack in the face; Jack loses consciousness.]

CAPTION: That was a warning? What we needed here was someone who could have warned us about getting that warning.

Act 5


[We see Christian Shephard talking to the husband of the dead woman. Jack is watching them from a distance. Andrea, a nurse, is passing Jack.]]

ANDREA: [greeting Jack] Dr. Shephard.

JACK: Andrea, that man that my father is talking to, who is that?

ANDREA: That's her husband. He's threatening to sue.

[We see Christian Shephard putting his hand on the husband's shoulder exactly the way he did with Jack when trying to convince him to sign the documents. The man succumbs to his grief.]

CAPTION: Christian sure has a way with that "I feel your pain, and that's why you don't want to initiate legal action against me" maneuvre.

[Back on the island, we see Jack lying in the mud at the bottom of the cliff, just coming to. Kate is trying to help him.]

KATE: Jack, Jack. Jack, are you okay?

JACK: How long was I out?

KATE: I don't know, I'm sorry, you slid on the rocks and. . .

JACK: Ethan?

KATE: What?

JACK: Ethan was here.

KATE: You banged your head, Jack.

CAPTION: Oh yeah, what are we suggesting here, Kate? That Ethan is like Mr. Snuffleupagus? Jack likes to get his butt kicked by an imaginary friend?

JACK: No, no. He was here.

KATE: You have to stop. The rain has washed away the trail. Even if he was here -- you've got -- Jack!

JACK: I'm not letting him do this.

KATE: Not letting him?

JACK: Not again.

CAPTION: Okay, this dialogue is genuinely perplexing. Is Jack suggesting that, unbeknownst to everyone else on the island, Claire and Charlie have been abducted by Ethan previously? "Kidnap Claire and Charlie once, shame on you; kidnap Claire and Charlie again, and boy that really gets me steamed"?


[We see Jack sitting in a hospital office, with a committee "hearing" the case of the woman who died.]

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: We realized that her blood pressure was continuing to drop precipitously, at which point the patient went into cardiac arrest. Of course, every effort was made to resuscitate her, but the severity of her injuries, the amount of internal bleeding, made that impossible. Now, in my professional opinion, ladies and gentlemen, and that's all I have, by the time I was called in the damage was irreversible.

HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATOR: Okay, thanks, Christian. Sorry about this formality.


HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATOR: Just one final detail -- you were aware of the patient's pregnancy when you went into the procedure?

CAPTION: Just in case any of you at home were content to let Christian waste the ol' there's a baby involved too. And what kind of sick SOB would you have to be to let the guy waste a cute little baby. Once someone's born, that's different. Christian could have been so drunk that he dropped his scalpel somewhere in the patient's duodenum and left it there, and who amongst you would give a crap. But a baby, that's entirely different. You're not even allowed to think bad thoughts when there's a baby in the room.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: Absolutely. The patient's husband had informed the attending in the ER. It was, however, extremely early in the pregnancy, so our primary focus had to be on the mother.

HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATOR: Okay, then. I think we're done here. The final report will be filed.


JACK: I need to -- revise my statement.

CAPTION: Now that's an understatement. It's more like "I need to revise my statement by making it into a completely different statement, in which everything I said in the previous version of the statement is completely contradicted by the statement I am making now. While I'm at it, I would like to report that everything I have said about myself is wrong, including my name, address, height, weight, gender and my status as a doctor at this hospital.

JACK: I didn't come into the O.R. until well into the procedure.


JACK: I was warned by one of the nurses that my father was operating under the influence.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD: Jack. This is not. . .

JACK: By the time I got there it was clear that my father was not only incapacitated, but that he had also severed the patient's hepatic artery, which, in my professional opinion, caused the crisis which led to her death.

CAPTION: Hmm...perhaps Jack was a little too emphatic there. This might make it difficult for his father to put a positive spin on the story. "I can explain's part of my new 'severing the hepatic artery' therapy. It's part of an article I'm preparing for the New England Journal of Medicine."

[Back to Jack and Kate running in the jungle. They come across Charlie hanging from some trees. Close up of Charlie's hand shows only the "E" left.]

CAPTION: Charlie is just working on a soul cover for the next Drive Shaft album - "Hangin' in the mornin' sun, I'll be hangin' when the evenin' is done...hangin' on the edge of the tree, waitin' for someone to come rescue meeeee...hangin' on the edge of a tree, way-yay-yastin' time, oh, yeah..."

JACK: No. [He runs over and lifts Charlie up by the legs] You've got to cut him down.

[Shot of Kate climbing tree.]

JACK: Hold on, Charlie. Hold on there.

CAPTION: Where's he gonna go?

[Shot of Kate trying to cut Charlie down.]

KATE: I can't reach. Pull him over to me.

[She finally cuts him down. Jack does CPR.]

JACK: He's not breathing. C'mon, breathe, Charlie. C'mon, breathe. C'mon. C'mon.

[Kate starts crying. Jack starts pounding Charlie's chest. ]

JACK: C'mon, Charlie, c'mon. C'mon, c'mon, Charlie, c'mon.

KATE: Jack, Jack stop, he's not... Jack, stop, he's not...

[Jack stops. Kate's crying. Jack looks sad. Kate comes over to console him.]

KATE: It's okay, it's okay.

[Jack pushes her away.]

JACK: No, no.

KATE: Jack, Jack. [She's trying to stop him from doing CPR.]

[Jack starts thumping his chest again.]

KATE: Stop. Stop.

JACK: C'mon. C'mon.

[Suddenly, Charlie breathes.]

CAPTION: My friends, we have again witnessed a demonstration of the Lost Breathing Axiom - those who have stopped breathing will always start breathing again, but only at the last possible minute.

JACK: Just breathe, breathe. Breathe deep, breathe deep. You're okay.

[Jack and Kate are crying for joy.]

Act 6

[Shot of Charlie, Kate, Jack around fire at the caves. Shot of Michael coming back from his search.]

WALT: Dad! [They hug.].They brought Charlie back. But he hasn't said anything since he came back.

CAPTION: So there's an upside to all this? Someone should check to see if this applies to singing as well.

MICHAEL: [to Hurley] They find Claire?

[Hurley shakes his head.]

JACK: [pressing on Charlie's neck wound] Does that hurt? How's your breathing? [Charlie just stares into space.] Charlie, you've got to talk to me. We're going to back out and look for Claire the moment the sun comes up, and I could really use your help. Anything that you can tell me about what you remember, where you were going. Did you see or hear. . .?

CHARLIE: I didn't see anything, hear anything. I don't remember anything. Claire. . .

JACK: What?

CHARLIE: That's all they wanted.

JACK: They?

CHARLIE: All they wanted was Claire.

CAPTION: Actually, all they wanted to do was have some fun. And they had a feeling they weren't the only one.

[Shot of Kate by the waterfall.]

SHANNON: [entering] They aren't back yet.

KATE: I'm sure they just made camp for the night. If there's anyone on this island that your brother's safe with, it's Locke.

BOONE: Are we lost?

CAPTION: Okay, if any of you want proof of how clueless Boone is...did he actually just ask the question "Are we lost?" On the show Lost? Is he suggesting that, once they get out of the jungle, they will somehow no longer be lost? This is kind of like escaping the part of the Island with Monster to get to the part of the Island that only has the polar bears and declaring yourself safe.

[Shot of Boone and Locke in the dark hiking up a rocky area.]

LOCKE: No, Boone, we're not lost.

CAPTION: Perhaps Locke is even more clueless than Boone.

BOONE: Sorry, it's just... I don't see how you can still be following this trail. I think we should go back.

LOCKE: Don't you feel it?

BOONE: Feel what?


CAPTION: Whoa-kay. Locke has just left this show and crossed over into The Twilight Zone.

BOONE: Alright, John. I'm going to follow the strips back.

LOCKE: Suit yourself. [Boone looks flummoxed.] Boone, you need this more than I do.

[Locke tosses Boone a flashlight. It lands on the ground but makes a metal k-thunk sound. Boone kneels down and grabs the flashlight.]

BOONE: What is that?

CAPTION: There's a nice innocent question that, believe me, Boone will soon wish he had never asked.

[Locke starts digging plant material out of the way, exposing a piece of metal. Locke bangs it with his knife.]

LOCKE: Steel.

BOONE: Could that be part of the plane? Part of the wreckage?

[Locke knocks in a few different places with his knife.]

BOONE: What is that?

LOCKE: That's what we're going to find out.

[They start "digging."]


And with that, our intrepid explorers start to explore the Island in a completely new direction, going beneath the surface to what lies beneath. This might result in the show being a lot more popular in China, after Locke and Boone dig their hole there. Ah, but seriously, folks, what will our excavators uncover as they dig out around this hunk of metal in the middle of a tropical island? What will they find? The remains of an ancient civilization? Technological wonders unsurpassed in any epoch? A Scotsman listening to Mama Cass records? I mean, it could be anything!

Tune in next time, gentle readers, and see what's up next.

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