Okay, a confession to make here. Sometimes, when no one's around, I just like to sit around saying the name of the protagonist of today's episode over and over again, in the authentic Australian accent. It's sort of like "Clayeh" or "Claeh"...I'm not sure really even how to write it. Maybe someone could do an authentic Australian accent International Phonetic Association version of Claire's name? That would really be helpful. I'm only guessing, but there must be some IPA squiggle which you use for that part of the word where native speakers of Australian English would nearly swallow their tongues whilst correctly pronouncing Claire's name. Or how about that way Australians say the word "no"...like it has about five or six vowels in it? Far out. Seriously, listen to the wacky phonemes your Australian friends throw into a word while no one's looking. Australia may be the key, but we may never know it because who can understand what those people are saying?
Anyway, in this episode, we get to know Claire Littleton, a young Australian with a gigantic stomach tumor. What? Huh? Oh. Sorry, no, she's a young Australian who is something on the order of eight months pregnant. She may seem like the perfect mom to you - either her or Barbara Billingsley, really, as far as the TV moms go - but Claire has a secret. She was, as it turns out, about to give her baby up for adoption. After all, she doesn't have a really good paying job and couldn't offer the baby much in terms of financial security...which is why it makes total sense that she is forking out lots and lots of those goofy-looking plastic fivers the Aussies have to fly across the entire Pacific Ocean to give her baby up for adoption on a continent thousands of miles away. On the advice on a psychic to whom she was ready to cough up $200 Australian for this primo advice. So yeah, as you can see, Claire is Queen of the Rational Decision-Making Process.
In this episode, we find out how young Claire went from being someone all set to give up her baby to everyone's favorite mom (as well as Charlie Pace's "Mother I'd Like to be Friends with".) So here's the episode "Raised by Another"...as if you could do anything to stop it.
[Shot of Claire's eye opening.]
CAPTION: You know, this bit where the show opens with a view of someone's eye is getting to be a regular thing on this show. It's strange, isn't it? The show airs on ABC, but here you have all these advertisements for CBS...
[We hear a baby crying and see Claire looking around. She sits up and she isn't pregnant. She hears the baby cry, gets up and walks into the jungle to find the baby. We see Locke sitting at a table with a lamp, tarot cards, a table runner, and crystals. He's dealing the cards [but we can't see what they are]. We hear the sound of a sword being unsheathed. There is wind and motion in the trees.]
CLAIRE: What's happening?
LOCKE: You know what's happening.
CLAIRE: But I don't understand. Why --?
LOCKE: He was your responsibility but you gave him away, Claire. Everyone pays the price now.
[Locke looks up and has one black eye and one white eye. We hear the baby crying and see Claire running through the jungle. She sees a crib and goes to it. It has a mobile with Oceanic airplanes hanging from it. There is shaking and a sound of the what the airplane might have sounded like when it was crashing. The planes on the mobile start spinning around, at least one is broken. There are a bunch of blankets in the crib. Claire starts digging through them and comes to a pool of blood. Her hands are all bloody. She starts screaming.]
CAPTION: Whoa, whoa, whoa...bad vibes, boys and girls! Hey, you know what? I'm thinking Claire is having one of those days where nothing goes right. You know the kind. You go to an important meeting, and it turns out everyone thinks you're a dork because there was some toilet paper stuck to your shoe from when you were in the bathroom...one of those days where everything just seems not to work out. This is just like that for Claire. Oh, except maybe multiply it by ten billion.
[Shot of Claire screaming near the caves. Charlie is trying to calm her down. Michael, Jin, and Sun, Hurley run up.]
CAPTION: Oh, it's all a dreeeeeeeeeeam. Gotcha. But let's hope that we're not going to always have the writers using that as an excuse. Otherwise, on the final episode of Lost, Jack might wake up in his bed in downtown Chicago, lying next to Suzanne Pleshette.
CHARLIE: It's alright. Hey, hey, you're dreaming. You were sleep-walking, alright? [he looks at her hands which are bloody]. Claire, what happened?
CAPTION: "Oh, Charlie, you caught me red-handed." (Perhaps this qualifies as tooting one's own horn, but if Charles Nelson Reilly were around, it's certain that he would pronounce this response to Charlie's straight line as the "definitive answer". Of course, Brooke Summers was the one that was harder to convince.)
[Shot of Jack doctoring Claire's hands.]
JACK: That must have been a hell of a nightmare.
CLAIRE: Who said it was a nightmare?
JACK: I'd say when someone makes their fists so tight they dig their fingernails a quarter of an inch into their palm they probably weren't dreaming about riding ponies.
CAPTION: This only proves that Jack hasn't been on the Pony Tour of Inner-City Detroit before.
JACK: Did you ever sleep-walk before?
CLAIRE: No. I don't think so. How would I know?
JACK: It'll get back to you. I had a girlfriend once that told me I talked in my sleep.
CLAIRE: What did you say?
JACK: Don't know. Whatever it was she didn't like it.
CAPTION: "(*snore*)...I can do better...(*snore*)...Silicone implants, not real...(*snore*)...
JACK: How was your OB-GYN in Sydney?
CLAIRE: Good. She was good.
JACK: She was okay with letting you fly in your third trimester?
CAPTION: "Yeah, she even suggested skydiving. I told her it sounded like fun but I'd really be more comfortable with the idea if I could bring a parachute along."
CLAIRE: Yeah, I went for a checkup the week before and she said it'd be fine.
JACK: Ultrasound was cool?
CLAIRE: Uh-huh. Very healthy.
JACK: How have you been feeling?
CLAIRE: Okay. Back's pretty sore, but it's probably just from sleeping on the ground. I get dizzy if I stand up too fast. And I have to pee all the time.
JACK: Are you eating enough?
CLAIRE: Boar and bananas.
CAPTION: "Sometimes I let the boar eat the bananas. Saves time that way, I only have to eat one thing instead of two."
JACK: How many weeks in are you? What was the date that you found out you were pregnant.
[We see Claire coming out of her bathroom with a pregnancy test in her hand.]
THOMAS: Is it pink?
CLAIRE: I don't know yet.
THOMAS: I mean, did you actually pee on it?
CLAIRE: I don't know, just give me a second.
CAPTION: You know the movie "White Men Can't Jump"? How about "Urinating Women Can't Aim"?
THOMAS: Maybe you didn't do it right.
CLAIRE: Thomas, I can pee on a stick.
CAPTION: Yes, but we're looking for accuracy here. That's one thing men can do. Pinpoint accuracy, yessireebob.
THOMAS: Okay, well, what color is it?
CLAIRE: How long's it been?
THOMAS: 6 -- 66 seconds. Oh god. [He grabs the stick]. Okay, it's definitely two lines.
CLAIRE: Two pink lines?
THOMAS: Pink? No, no, no, these are, like, red.
CAPTION: That means Claire will have a demon baby.
CLAIRE: What? [she looks at it] They're pink.
THOMAS: These two lines?
CLAIRE: They're pink.
THOMAS: Okay, first of all these tests are not always accurate.
THOMAS: No, no, no, my uncle he thought he had testicular cancer, remember that.
CLAIRE: He did. He's dead.
CAPTION: "Oh, bad example then."
THOMAS: Yeah. I mean, no, no. It was like the wrong -- it was a bad diagnosis. Look, this thing, it doesn't mean for sure that you're pregnant.
CLAIRE: Thomas --
THOMAS: We can go get another one.
CLAIRE: I am six weeks late, okay. Six weeks. That never happens. I'm pregnant.
THOMAS: Okay. Okay. Look, it's all going to be okay.
CLAIRE: I know. I know.
THOMAS: Hey, Claire? If we, if we wanted to we could do this.
CLAIRE: Stop it.
THOMAS: No. I'm not kidding.
CLAIRE: My mom would disown me.
CAPTION: "If she weren't in a coma." Since Claire's mom, as we will find out in a later episode, is in fact in a coma, this is an extremely odd thing for Claire to say. Seriously, Claire could go to her room at the hospital, whisper "I'm having a love baby with my studmuffin here and there isn't anything you can do about it, nyah nyah nyah" and be lucky if her mom even continues to register a pulse during the conversation. Claire could then put on stilettos and dance on her mom's rib cage, eliciting the same lack of response. But perhaps we're being nitpicky about the plot here.
THOMAS: She basically has already.
CLAIRE: Yeah. But with what? My... my five dollar an hour job at Fish and Fry?
CAPTION: "Yes, of course that's ridiculous. Everyone would think so, especially the fabulously wealthy American doctor who, it turns out, is my real father." In a later episode, we find out that Claire has, by this point, already had a conversation with Christian Shepard, Jack's father, who once had an affair with Claire's mother and is, indeed, her real father. Claire's mom's expenses at the hospital are currently being completely paid by Christian Shepard, so Claire must be aware that the guy has the scratch to pay for her baby expenses. So, again, this is a pretty weird thing for Claire to say. Honestly, were people asleep at the writer's meeting? Did they fire the continuity guy?
THOMAS: You're not the only one with a job, you know. I mean, I've got my painting.
CAPTION: "Though I am in a dry period right now because I've run out of the canvases with the numbers on them telling me what colors I should use in what places."
CLAIRE: That's sweet, but this isn't what we want.
THOMAS: Maybe it is. This could be like, uh, I don't know. It could be like the best thing ever.
CLAIRE: You, you really want to try?
CAPTION: "Yeah, let's give it a shot. What's the worst that can happen? The kid can turn out dysfunctional and track us all down and kill us. I'm game, let's give it a go."
THOMAS: Yeah. Claire, I love you.
[Shot of Jack walking on the beach in front of the fuselage. He approaches Kate.]
JACK: Well, this is a first -- you standing still, middle of the day, doing nothing. Amazing.
KATE: I'm doing something.
JACK: Yeah, what's that?
KATE: I'm sinking. Water goes out, takes the sand with it and you sink. I used to do it with my mom when I was a kid.
JACK: Ah, new plan. You're going to just sink your way right off the island.
CAPTION: At least she has a plan, ya loser. We don't hear you piping up with any new ideas.
JACK: Sayid would be proud.
KATE: He's been gone for almost a week.
JACK: Something tells me he'll be okay.
CAPTION: "That guy...he can torture anything that gets in his way..."
KATE: So what are you doing this far from the caves?
JACK: Bringing water down, bringing fish back. Claire's going to have the baby soon.
CAPTION: "And that kid is going to be jonesing for a nice halibut."
[Shot of Claire sitting on a rock or stump in the jungle writing in her journal, Charlie brings her tea.]
CHARLIE: "Dear diary, still on the bloody island. Today I swallowed a bug. Love, Claire." [He hands her tea.] Here, what separates us from these savage Yanks if we can't drink tea?
CAPTION: Haven't the British normally gone with "bad teeth" as the answer to that question?
CHARLIE: Feeling better?
CLAIRE: It was just a dream.
CHARLIE: Mmmmm. I have this dream. . . I'm driving a bus and my teeth start falling out.
CAPTION: See? With them it's all about teeth.
CHARLIE: My mom's in the back eating biscuits. Everything smells of bacon. It's weird. Of course, I don't wake up screaming.
CAPTION: Naturally he wouldn't. Biscuits and bacon? Sounds like a lovely breakfast dream.
CLAIRE: I'm alright, Charlie.
CHARLIE: No, of course you are. It's just, I think about you in this place -- how hard it must be for you without your family and your friends. And I think we could be friends. I could be your friend. We don't have to do each other's hair or anything. I just mean that if you needed someone to talk to about anything, I'm here.
CHARLIE: Okay -- [he gets up to leave].
CLAIRE: I didn't mean that --
CHARLIE: It's cool, Claire. It's cool.
CAPTION: Claire should really watch herself. She's potentially giving up on the most reliable supply of imaginary peanut butter she's ever had.
[We see Claire walking with a friend, Rachel.]
CLAIRE: Thomas cleaned out his whole loft. I'm officially moving in on Tuesday.
RACHEL: That is great.
CLAIRE: I know. He's awesome. [Claire looks apprehensively at the building they are approaching]. You know, maybe we shouldn't --
RACHEL: No, you're not backing out now.
CLAIRE: It's seems --
RACHEL: He's just a psychic, Claire. I mean, I thought you were all into this, all your astrology stuff.
CLAIRE: Yeah, I know, but I don't need somebody telling me what's going to happen or how to live my life.
CAPTION: Yes, and astrologers totally don't normally do that.
RACHEL: It's not about what you need. It's about what's fun. So unless you have another excuse --
[Shot of Claire sitting at table with the psychic.]
MALKIN: I'll need your hands for this.
CAPTION: Yikes. For a psychic, he sure charges a lot.
[He does a trance-like thing.]
MALKIN: Ah, so when did you find out?
MALKIN: About the baby.
CLAIRE: Two days ago.
RACHEL: She hasn't told her mom yet. We're afraid she might -- [Claire shushes her].
[The Psychic opens his eyes and looks concerned.]
CLAIRE: What? Should I not tell her? [The psychic looks up at her, looking worried, frightened.] What? What is it?
MALKIN: I'm sorry. [He gives her money back.] I can't, I can't --
CLAIRE: What were you gonna -- what did you see?
MALKIN: I'm... I'm not doing this reading.
CAPTION: The sad truth is, Richard Malkin is an illiterate psychic. He can't do any readings. He's too ashamed to admit it.
CLAIRE: You, you were going to say something.
MALKIN: You'll have to leave. Now. Thanks, thanks very much.
RACHEL: [as she and Claire leave] What a freak.
CAPTION: Indeed. And usually that's not a problem with psychics...
[We see Claire sleeping and then she is attacked. In slo-mo: Shot of Claire opening her eyes. A hand covers her mouth, shirt being pushed up Claire's belly, Claire's eye's going wide, shot of something silvery like a knife, shot of Claire's eyes, shot of something more coppery or gold colored. Then there's something that looks green that is out of focus in the foreground (maybe a needle?) A shot of her belly with what looks like a reflection (maybe the knife?) Shot of her eyes with hand over her mouth.]
CAPTION: "You know, this never happens when you stay at a Motel 6. Motel 6...we'll keep the light on for ya."
[Shot of Jack sleeping and waking up to the sound of Claire screaming.]
CLAIRE: [shouting] Help me! Somebody's going to hurt me, please, help me.
CHARLIE: Someone attacked her.
CLAIRE: He held me down.
MICHAEL: Which way did he go? How long ago?
CLAIRE: I don't know. I couldn't see. Just now, just now, he just ran away.
CAPTION: A fountain of information, that Claire.
[Hurley comes running.]
HURLEY: What's going on?
[Ethan comes to the scene.]
CAPTION: Ethan? Why, what's he doing here? Of all the luck - Ethan's right here, nearby to where Claire has called for help. If that isn't just the darndest coincidence.
CHARLIE: We should find out, check the surrounding caves.
JACK: Hey, wait, wait, hold on don't go --
CHARLIE: Hurley, let's go.
JACK: [to Claire] C'mon, c'mon, let's sit down here, okay? [to Ethan] Go get her some water.
ETHAN: Yeah, sure.
JACK: Claire, look at me, it's okay. You're safe now.
MICHAEL: Did you get a look at him, at all?
CLAIRE: No, it was dark. I couldn't see.
CAPTION: This is the end of this exchange, but Michael had so many more questions to ask Claire, and not one of them would be one that she would have the slightest idea how to answer.
JACK: Where did this happen?
CLAIRE: It was here. I, I was sleeping and I woke up and he was trying to hurt my baby. He had this... this thing -- like... like a needle. And he stabbed me with it. [She shows her belly, but it doesn't look like there's a mark.] He was trying to hurt my baby.
JACK: It's okay. It's okay.
CAPTION: "None of us like your baby anyway."
[Shot of people in the jungle with torches, Hurley and Jack end up in the foreground shot.]
HURLEY: We looked around the entire perimeter, man.
JACK: Nobody saw or heard anything?
HURLEY: Uh-uh, nada. Everyone was asleep. So, I had an idea. I'm out here looking for some psycho with Scott and Steve, right? And I'm realizing who the hell are Scott and Steve?
CAPTION: Hurley, when you figure this out, could you tell everyone else? No one else seems to know. It's kind of like the difference between Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. No one cares which one is which when you get right down to it. Do Scott and Steve themselves even care which one of them is which? Probably, if you yelled "Scott!" then Steve would come running, and vice-versa.
JACK: I'm not following you?
HURLEY: Look, if I was a cop and some woman got attacked, we'd canvas, right? Knock on doors, find witnesses. But we don't even have doors.
JACK: Hurley, you're not helping me understand where you're. . .
HURLEY: Look, we don't know who's living here and who's still at the beach. I mean, we don't even know each other. My name isn't Hurley, it's Hugo Reyes. Hurley's just a nickname I have, alright? Why? I'm not telling.
CAPTION: It's a mystery, huh? That's a first on this show. We don't want to speculate wildly about the reason that Hurley got that nickname, but let's just say that there was a friend of his who got the nickname Chuck for the same reason.
HURLEY: The point is, we've got to find out who everyone is.
JACK: You want to start a census.
CAPTION: Splendid idea. Most people on the Island will get the short form. That will just ask the basic questions. But 20% of the survivors will get the longer form, which asks some of the second-tier questions, like "Have you ever broken into a pregnant woman's tent and administered medication to her through her stomach lining?" Hurley's looking forward to crunching the numbers on that one.
HURLEY: Yeah, a registry, you know, names, what people look like, who's related to who. I mean, we start laying down the law, maybe we'll stop attacking each other. It seems like someone's getting punched, or stabbed, or something every other day here. We've got to find out who did this to her.
[Shot of Charlie carrying blanket to Claire.]
CHARLIE: You alright? [She half-heartedly nods.] Don't worry, you want to close your eyes, I'll be here all night. I won't let anyone get to you. I won't leave you, Claire. Promise.
CAPTION: "Hey, I'll even climb up on top of you to keep you extra-safe."
[We see Claire putting up curtains in her apartment. Thomas walks in with a bag of groceries.]
THOMAS: Wow, we have drapes now.
CLAIRE: I know it. I feel all grown up. You like them?
THOMAS: Yeah. They're good.
CLAIRE: I don't know why drapes represent age for me. I guess it just feels like something my mum would do. Oh, um, Sasha called, they're going out tonight, wanted to know if we'd go. [Thomas doesn't respond.] What? I didn't eat all the chips, there's another bag.
THOMAS: Claire? I can't do this.
CAPTION: It was the drapes that did it. Thomas didn't really understand the reality of how much his life was going to change. But then Claire bought the drapes. Now, all he can think of is how for the next forty years, he's going to be the kind of guy who has drapes. "Walls closing in...can't breathe...so much responsibility...what if the drapes need cleaning...?"
CLAIRE: Do what? Did you have a bad day?
THOMAS: This isn't working. You knew that.
CLAIRE: I what? Um, just so I'm not over-reacting here, are you breaking up with me?
THOMAS: Look, for the past three months, it's just, you know, there's always some plan, some responsibility, somewhere that we have to be, someone that you have to talk to.
CAPTION: Bummer for Claire...but wouldn't it be a topsy-turvy world if responsibility was actually a turn-on? "Oh, baby, when can we go shopping for station wagons?"
CLAIRE: Well, yeah, I'm trying to make sure that when the baby comes. . .
THOMAS: Oh, the baby, yeah, I mean, that is just not -- it's like this now, you know. What's it going to be like when the baby comes?
CLAIRE: But you said we should do this.
THOMAS: Yeah, well, now it's real.
CAPTION: "You promised me you'd have a fictional baby!"
CLAIRE: Well, you can't just change your mind.
THOMAS: How in the hell am I supposed to be a dad, Claire? How about my painting, my life?
CAPTION: Oh, this is so nice to see a positive portrayal of men where parenting is concerned. This guy and Homer Simpson...the best possible role models for a world full of men, aren't they? Actually, if we stop to think about this for a while, Lost itself may have some "daddy issues". The women on this show seem to have this "great mom" gene, whereas all the men on the show seem to have some kind of parenting glitch. What's up with that? With this kind of consistent slant on the show, you'd think that the National Organization for Women had bought out all of ABC's advertising time.
CLAIRE: I knew.... I knew this was going to happen.
THOMAS: I told you so -- terrific. Now I get all your daddy abandonment crap, huh?
CLAIRE: Hey, you bastard, don't you dare try and justify what you're doing.
THOMAS: I have done nothing, okay. I have done absolutely nothing.
CAPTION: Um...that's kind of the point.
CLAIRE: What? I have?
THOMAS: You don't think I've seen what you've done?
CLAIRE: Excuse me?
THOMAS: You were supposed to be on the pill.
CLAIRE: You think I got pregnant on purpose?
THOMAS: I don't even care.
CLAIRE: Like this was some kind of plan? You are out of your mind.
CAPTION: "Crap, he's onto me."
THOMAS: It's over, Claire.
CLAIRE: No, it's not over.
THOMAS: I'm outta here.
CAPTION: Kinda looks over. From the available evidence anyway.
[Shot of Claire by the fire with Charlie. Shot of Hurley and Locke at the beach.]
HURLEY: John, right? John Locke?
LOCKE: Is this about your census?
HURLEY: Yeah, you know, I thought it'd be a good idea, you know, to get everyone's name and place of residence.
LOCKE: And who's checking on you?
CAPTION: "Crap, he's right...we need another person to take a census of the census takers. Then we need someone to take a census of all the people who take censuses of the census takers..."
HURLEY: Uh, me?
LOCKE: That was a joke.
HURLEY: Uh, good one.
LOCKE: Yep. You already know my name. I lived most of my life in Tustin, CA.
CAPTION: "Ha ha ha ha! Like there could be a real place called 'Tustin'. Try again, pal."
HURLEY: Cool. And, reason for travel? The reason you were in Australia?
LOCKE: I was looking for something.
HURLEY: Looking, uh-huh. So, did you find it?
LOCKE: No. It found me. Anything else?
HURLEY: [irritated] No, no. That's good. Uh, thanks.
CAPTION: Hurley's problem is that he has no idea how to code Locke's information onto the standard Scantron form.
[Hurley approaches a redshirt that's walking by.]
HURLEY: Hey, uh, I know I already talked to you, but, uh, I just wanted to get away from him fast, okay?
CAPTION: Hey, has anyone checked Hurley's census to see if Sullivan's on it? He pretty much disappeared after last episode.
[Shot of Kate, Jack, and Charlie walking on the beach.]
CHARLIE: Did you see anyone leave the beach last night?
KATE: People come and go, but I, I don't know. [Jack looks back at Kate]. What?
JACK: I'm not sure anything actually happened.
CHARLIE: Wait, what?
JACK: Claire told Michael and I that this attacker tried to inject her with something. But there was no mark on her stomach. She wakes up two nights in a row screaming. The first time she was sleep-walking.
CHARLIE: You think she was making this up? She was terrified, man.
JACK: Look, she said that the guy was trying to hurt her baby. Why would someone do that now with all of us sleeping 20 feet away?
CAPTION: Well, the rush comes from being in public, see...
CHARLIE: So, you think she's lying?
JACK: No. Pregnant women have extremely lucid. . .
CHARLIE: Lucid, right..
JACK: These are textbook anxiety nightmares.
CAPTION: "I mean, remember when she woke up screaming 'Oh my God, I didn't know there was an Algebra test!!'"
CHARLIE: You know everything that's going on with everyone?
CAPTION: "Ooh, I wouldn't like that, that would take all the mystery out of life." (Royalties going out to Monty Python, and Dr. Bronowski, for that one.)
KATE: [to Charlie] Hey. [to Jack] So what do we do?
JACK: She's due in a little more than a week, maybe two, but if she stays stressed out like this, or has another panic attack it could trigger an early labor. And out here, with no instruments, no monitors, no anesthetic -- that would not be good.
CAPTION: "Though, on the plus side, Sawyer may have an incubator in with his stash."
CHARLIE: It's not all in her head.
[Shot of Ethan getting Papaya from a tree, Hurley approaches.]
HURLEY: Hey, Lance.
HURLEY: Lance. Your name's Lance, right?
CAPTION: Ethan actually did go by the name Lance at one point, but he's not particularly proud of those movies.
HURLEY: Dude, that's right. Lance is the little skinny guy with the glasses and the red hair.
ETHAN: I can see how you'd confuse us.
HURLEY: Sorry, dude. Lots of names and faces. It's pretty pathetic, huh? You'd think after a couple of weeks on the island with the same people, we'd all know each other.
CAPTION: This is what comes of there being no "The Island" network on Facebook.
ETHAN: Yeah, you're right. You would think so.
HURLEY: So, we're doing this list, you know, survivors, names, home addresses, stuff like that.
ETHAN: Okay, well, you already have my name. . .
HURLEY: Not Lance.
ETHAN: Definitely not.
HURLEY: Last name?
HURLEY: Rom, R-O-M?
CAPTION: Ethan was looking for a name that was inconspicuous, and "Ethan CPU" was already taken.
ETHAN: That's right?
HURLEY: Great, where are you from Ethan Rom?
HURLEY: Right on, love Canada, great. Uh, well that should do it. Thanks for your time, dude.
CAPTION: Ah yes, a delightfully specific home address. Ontario. A Canadian province with over ten million people in it, which sprawls over a land mass that would include about ten American states, and with one single legislative district in it that's the size of the entire country of France. Doin' a great job, Hurley. Keep it up with gathering that exact address information.
ETHAN: Hey, what's this for?
HURLEY: Oh, it's nothing. It's just, uh, you know, I thought I'd be a good idea.
[Shot of Claire writing in her journal. Jack approaches with a bottle of medication.]
CAPTION: Twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours to go-o-o...Claire's gonna be sedated.
CLAIRE: Did you find him?
JACK: Um, no.
CLAIRE: Well, what if he comes back?
CAPTION: "Then Hurley will ask him to provide some data for his census. That way he can calculate the normal commuting field for Claire's midnight visitor. This could provide valuable information on how much shadowy intruders might make use the local highways and major arterial roads. This could result in the Island getting quite the infusion of federal infrastructure money.
JACK: Claire, this situation we're in -- the crash, that no one's coming, this place -- it, it can kind of mess with your head a little, and maybe make you see things that aren't actually there. Now, I know it feels very real.
CLAIRE: I, I don't unders. . .
JACK: Your baby's coming, soon. And I can't even imagine how scary that must be for you, but the more upset you are, the more dangerous it is for you, and your baby. So, I want you to take these.
CLAIRE: What are they?
JACK: It's a sedative, very mild -- commonly used in situations like yours.
CAPTION: "If these don't work, Sawyer found a tranquilizer gun in some of the checked luggage. That would be more sporting, so let me know if you're up for it."
JACK: It won't harm the baby, I promise.
CLAIRE: You don't believe me.
CLAIRE: You think I'm making this up? I get attacked and you want to give me sleeping pills?
CAPTION: Admittedly, Jack is not ratcheting this "man of science" disapproval up as high as we know he's capable of doing. He could be shaking his head and going "tch tch" and looking at Claire like he thinks she's a special needs student. This display is entirely too restrained.
JACK: They're not sleeping p -- look, it's a very mild sedative.
CLAIRE: I'm leaving.
JACK: What? No. Claire, Claire.
CLAIRE: I was safer at the beach. It's not safe here.
JACK: Don't do this, Claire. You need to think about the baby.
CLAIRE: Don't talk to me about the baby. I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do.
CAPTION: Yeah, if she knew everyone was going to be so friggin' bossy, she never would have consented to crashland on this island with these people.
JACK: [grabbing her arm] Please.
CLAIRE: Let go of me.
[Shot of Charlie walking up and Claire is walking out.]
CHARLIE: [to Claire] You okay? [to Jack, upset] What did you say to her?
CAPTION: "Only that no one believes her and everyone thinks she's a babbling hysteric. Why, do you think that offended her?"
[Shot of Claire running through the jungle.]
[Shot of Claire knocking on a door. The psychic answers.]
CLAIRE: Mr. Malkin, we met before.
MALKIN: Yes. I remember.
CAPTION: "It's hard to forget you. I had a really good day the last time you visited. While I was giving you back your $200, I managed to lift the $500 your friend had in her wallet."
CLAIRE: You wouldn't give me a reading. I was hoping you would now.
[Shot of Claire giving him money which he counts.]
CLAIRE: If you're psychic, why do you have to count it?
MALKIN: That's not how it works.
CAPTION: The sad truth is that Richard Malkin is also an innumerate psychic. He doesn't know how to count. He's too ashamed to admit that also.
CLAIRE: I was just joking.
[He holds her hands and does his trance thing.]
CLAIRE: So, how does it work?
MALKIN: I don't know. [He continues focusing.] Oh, when did he leave you?
CLAIRE: Last week. Is that why you didn't want to do my reading last time?
MALKIN: No, no. I saw something, sort of a blurry thing.
CLAIRE: And, blurry's bad?
CAPTION: Yeah, well, when you pay for autofocus, blurry is bad. Sometimes Malkin's visions also have redeye or poor background lighting.
MALKIN: Blurry's bad. That's why I stopped the reading. Are you sure you want to go on now?
CLAIRE: Yeah, yes, please.
MALKIN: I can tell you, this is important.
MALKIN: It is crucial that you yourself raise this child.
CLAIRE: You mean with Thomas? Is he..
MALKIN: The father of this child will play no part in its life, nor yours.
CLAIRE: So what exactly are you saying?
MALKIN: This child parented by anyone else, anyone other than you -- danger surrounds this baby. . .
CAPTION: "Yes, if you do not parent this baby yourself, he may grow up to be the kind of person who grows up to consider giving hundreds of dollars to charlatans who claim to predict the future. Danger...daaaaaaaaaaaaaangerrrrrrrrrrrrr..."
MALKIN: Your nature, your spirit, your goodness, must be an influence in the development of this child.
CLAIRE: Look, if Thomas and I don't get back together I'm putting this baby up for adoption. I just wanted to find out what would give the baby the happiest life.
MALKIN: There is no happy life -- not for this child, not without you.
CLAIRE: I don't. . .
MALKIN: It can't be another. You mustn't allow another to raise your baby.
CLAIRE: Okay, great. Thanks for taking my 200.
CAPTION: Thanking someone for bilking you out of two bills - Claire is the politest person on Earth, isn't she?
MALKIN: Oh, no look, take it. Ms. Littleton, I am begging you just to consider...
CLAIRE: I can't raise this child by myself.
MALKIN: You have to listen to me.
CLAIRE: Okay, thanks for your time, and my money back.
MALKIN: Ms. Littleton, please. The baby needs your protection. Ms. Littleton, please.
CAPTION: You can't blame Malkin for being jumpy about this. In Australia, people are quite protective about babies, what with the high proportion of dingoes in the immediate area.
[Shot of Claire sleeping in a bed. The phone rings.]
MALKIN: Ms. Littleton, it's Richard Malkin.
CLAIRE: Oh, my God.
MALKIN: Listen to me. I have a plan, something that will make this all better.
CAPTION: You see, this is what happens when you encourage those people on the 1-900 psychic phone lines. They get emboldened and start calling you.
CLAIRE: You've got to stop calling me. It's too late, alright. I'm going to see adoptive services tomorrow.
MALKIN: I've been telling you for months, you cannot do that.
CLAIRE: Look, what I do with my baby is none of your business.
MALKIN: If you don't do what I'm suggesting, great danger will befall...
CLAIRE: Hey, great danger will befall you if you don't stop calling me in the middle of the night.
MALKIN: I know what you're feeling inside, Claire -- that you're doubting your decision to give up the baby. Look, I'm begging you, don't do it. At least hear my plan first.
CAPTION: "Okay, first, you put on your orgone accumulation helmet. Your chakras have to be perfectly aligned, though, otherwise the crystals won't work."
CLAIRE: Good night.
[Shot of Claire walking in jungle.]
CHARLIE: [entering] Hi. Where are you going?
CLAIRE: Back to the beach.
CHARLIE: What happened? Did Jack. . .
CLAIRE: Jack tried to dope me. He thinks I'm making all this up, that none of it really happened.
CHARLIE: Right. So, to prove your sanity you go tromping through the jungle alone. Well done.
CAPTION: Hey, it worked for Sayid.
CLAIRE: I'm not crazy, Charlie.
[Shot of Shannon putting stuff (brush(?), nail polish remover and a magazine opened to a crossword puzzle) into the duffle bag.]
CAPTION: Since it's the kind of crossword puzzle Shannon wants to do, it's mostly filled with four-letter word entries.
SHANNON: You want my information. Name: Shannon Rutherford, Age: 20, Address: Craphole Island.
CAPTION: That's the working name for the subdivision - sounds posh, doesn't it? It was Michael's development concept. Shannon's place is over in "Craphole Island West".
HURLEY: So, uh, where were you guys last night?
SHANNON: Um, the beach.
BOONE: Why the interrogation?
HURLEY: You're like the 20th person to ask me that. Why is everyone so uptight about answering a few questions?
BOONE: Well, maybe we're just not cool with you setting up your own little Patriot Act, man.
SHANNON: He's a liberal.
CAPTION: A good thing about that as the ICLU (Island Civil Liberties Union) is looking for some donations. Wait until they get Boone on their mailing lists.
BOONE: No, seriously, why the list?
HURLEY: Ah, it's nothing, we just had a little incident in the valley last night.
SHANNON: An incident?
HURLEY: Yeah, Claire, the pregnant girl, you know her, she, uh, kind of got attacked.
BOONE: She okay?
HURLEY: Yeah, she's a little shook up, but. . .
SHANNON: I am so not moving to the rape caves.
CAPTION: "The Rape Caves" was a rejected subdivision name. Key demographics were a bit cold to it. Plus, everyone hated the logo.
BOONE: [to Hurley] You know, your life would be so much easier if you just had the manifest as we crossed out all the names of the dead after we burned the fuselage, so it should be a full roster of the rest of us.
HURLEY: What? Really? Who has it?
BOONE: Who do you think?
CAPTION: Isn't this the way it always is? You have to pay through the nose for proprietary data these days. Don't blame Sawyer, it all started with Bill Gates.
[Shot of Sawyer kicking back in the shade with girls' or kids' sunglasses on. Hurley approaches.]
HURLEY: I'm just going to lay it out straight.
SAWYER: Okay, you do that.
HURLEY: I hear you have the flight manifest, and I need it, and I want you to give it to me.
SAWYER: That so?
HURLEY: Now, you could do what you normally do when someone asks for something -- tell me to screw off.
SAWYER: Screw off?
HURLEY: Or, you could just give it to me - - because, dude, you could use the points.
CAPTION: Yeah, if Sawyer plays along, that would bring his point total up to...um...about 1.
SAWYER: Well, gosh, you sure know how to butter a man up, Stay Puft.
HURLEY: It's a gift.
SAWYER: [laughs] Manifest is in the brown suitcase. Take it.
CAPTION: "There's a lot of stuff in there...the brown suitcase is everything alphabetized under 'Ma - Me'...look after 'machete' and before 'methodone'."
[Shot of Claire and Charlie walking in jungle.]
CHARLIE: Please let me carry your bag.
CLAIRE: I'm fine.
CHARLIE: I know you're fine, but I can still carry your bag.
CAPTION: Odd. He can't carry a tune, but a bag he can handle?
CLAIRE: Why did you come after me?
CHARLIE: Well, it's probably because I like you. What?
CLAIRE: You don't like me, Charlie, okay? You just want to rescue me because, because of this [referring to her belly]. I'm fine, okay. I don't need rescuing. I don't need. . . [she has a contraction pain.]
CHARLIE: Whoa, Claire. What is it? What, Claire, what, what is it?
CAPTION: Don't get worried. It's just the baby reacting to the mooshy dialogue.
[Shot of Claire in pain.]
CHARLIE: Is that another one?
CHARLIE: Okay, we need to time the contractions. That's what you do, time the contractions, okay. One sugar-plum fairy, two sugar-plum fairy. . .
CAPTION: Oh yeah, this is a guy who's got things under control. Positively commanding presence.
CHARLIE: You just need to calm down, alright. Big deep breaths. [Charlie takes a couple of big breaths and gets dizzy]. Oh, bloody hell.
CLAIRE: Charlie, I need you to go get Jack.
CLAIRE: I'll be alright.
CHARLIE: I'm not leaving you alone.
CLAIRE: Charlie, please just go.
CHARLIE: I can deliver a baby. I can do this. This must happen all the time.
CAPTION: There's no way she could just give birth in this environment. None of the required elements are there. They're not in a taxicab, they're not in an elevator...
CLAIRE: Charlie, you don't know how to deliver a. . .
CHARLIE: Just listen to me. I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I might not know what I'm doing but I'll figure it out. If I can kick drugs I can deliver a baby. Let me explain. I'm a drug addict. I was a drug addict. I'm clean now.
CAPTION: That Charlie sure can inspire people in his obstetrical abilities, can't he? "I've been off the junk for a few days, give me a crack at the delivery..."
CLAIRE: Get Jack.
[Shot of Charlie running through the jungle. Shot of Claire in distress.]
[Shot of the adopting couple and Claire in the lawyer's office.]
LAWYER: Eileen and Joseph will bring you to Melbourne. They'll pay your living and medical expenses.
EILEEN: We found you an apartment. It's a really nice two bedroom place. And, well, we think you're going to be really comfortable in it.
LAWYER: As discussed, once the baby is born and handed over to the Stewarts you'll have no right to see the child again. You'll have no right to correspond with the child. It will be entirely up to Eileen and Joseph to decide whether to tell the child anything about you. Understood?
CAPTION: "Also, here is a list of your friends whom you will no longer be able to speak with unless Eileen and Joseph give their permission. Here is a list of foods you are not allowed to eat and professional sports you will not be allowed to watch on television."
LAWYER: Upon your discharge from the hospital you'll be given an additional payment of 20,000 dollars.
CLAIRE: I just want to make sure that you're going to take really good care of the baby.
EILEEN: Of course we will.
LAWYER: Now, I'll need you to sign and date here, where indicated.
[Shot of Claire starting to sign.]
CLAIRE: Do you know "Catch a Falling Star"? It's a song, like a lullaby.
EILEEN: "Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket."
CLAIRE: My dad used to sing that to me when I was little. Do you think you could sing it to the baby once in a while?
EILEEN: Of course.
CAPTION: That Claire is a shrewd negotiator.
[Shot of Claire starting to sign the document but the pen is out of ink.]
CLAIRE: It's not working.
[Shot of the Lawyer handing her another pen.]
[That pen doesn't work either. Shot of Eileen passing another pen across the table.]
CLAIRE: I, I'm sorry. I can't do this.
CAPTION: The lesson here for parents seeking to hire surrogate mothers is, apparently, that working pens are vital to closing the deal. Vital. We can't stress this enough.
EILEEN: What? No.
[Shot of Claire knocking on a screen door which the psychic answers.]
CLAIRE: Okay, what is it? What's your offer?
CAPTION: "My offer? I'm glad you asked...ten minutes for $14.99, thirty minutes for $40 even."
[Shot of Charlie running through the jungle. He comes across Ethan getting firewood.]
CHARLIE: Oh, thank god. What's your name?
ETHAN: Are you alright?
CHARLIE: ...you need to go the caves. Run to caves. Get Jack. Tell him that Claire. . .
ETHAN: Claire. Is she okay?
CHARLIE: She's having the baby. Go fast, okay? I'll be with her, on the path over there. Go.
CAPTION: Ah, that's a relief. Charlie's got Ethan in charge of helping Claire with her baby. Now that Ethan is helping Claire with her baby, everything's going to be okay. Nothing could go wrong with Claire and her baby with Ethan helping out.
[Shot of Charlie running back to Claire.]
CLAIRE: I'm here.
CHARLIE: Claire. Okay, Jack's coming. How are you doing?
CLAIRE: It hurts.
CHARLIE: Okay, just take my hand. Squeeze. Okay, breathe. Inhale, exhale. Good, just breathe. Inhale, okay, good.
CLAIRE: I'm not supposed to be here.
CHARLIE: I think we all feel like that a little bit.
CLAIRE: I know, it's just -- someone promised me it would be different.
CHARLIE: Well, he was wrong.
CLAIRE: Yeah. He was wrong.
CAPTION: We should get the Better Business Bureau on this right away. People are going to be less likely to trust other psychics when there are some rotten apples like this with their shoddy workmanship.
[We see Claire at the psychic's house.]
CLAIRE: You spent the last 4 months telling me I have to raise the baby myself. Now you're giving me money and saying I don't have to?
MALKIN: I found a couple in Los Angeles who are very eager to adopt. The baby will be safe in their care. Now, I've foreseen. . .
CLAIRE: Heh, Foreseen? I don't even know why I'm here. I'm sorry.
MALKIN: I know this sounds ridiculous, Claire. All this psychic business, and I appreciate that you must think I'm a raving madman. But this is what must happen.
CLAIRE: So, you're giving me 6000 dollars to give my baby to a couple of strangers in Los Angeles?
MALKIN: 12,000. The other 6 when you arrive in Los Angeles. And they're not strangers, Claire. They're good people.
CAPTION: Picture the announcement at the Sydney airport. "If any strangers have asked you to carry their bags on the plane for them, please call Airport Security immediately. Also, if any psychics have paid you money to board the plane to give your baby up for adoption in a foreign country, please call Airport Security immediately."
[Shot of Charlie and Claire in the jungle.]
CHARLIE: A psychic?
CLAIRE: I know. It's embarrassing. And now after everything, he was just full of it.
CHARLIE: Or not. I mean, all he wanted was that no one else raise your baby, right? Maybe he knew. I mean, if he wanted it bad enough. You know, if he had the gift, and I believe some people do, maybe he knew, Claire.
[Shot of Claire accepting an airline ticket from Malkin.]
CLAIRE: I can't go tomorrow. I have to get my. . .
MALKIN: It has to be this flight. It can't be any other. They're already scheduled to meet you when you arrive. Flight 815. Flight 815.
[Shot of Claire and Charlie in the jungle.]
CLAIRE: There was no couple in Los Angeles. He knew. He knew about the plane, what was going to happen. Oh my god, he knew.
CAPTION: Okay, let's take this theory seriously. The psychic knew that the plane would crash, that Claire would be traumatized by the event, and that the baby, after being born, would be living on an island with free-roaming polar bears and non-corporeal smoke monsters which can fling an airline pilot's body about the distance of a football field. Yeah, thumbs up on all that. Very comforting to think that "maybe he just knew."
[Shot of Sayid walking through the jungle.]
[Shot of Claire and Charlie. Claire sighs.]
CHARLIE: You feel another one coming?
CLAIRE: I don't think so.
CHARLIE: Where the hell is Jack?
CAPTION: Oh, probably attempting to dope up another troublemaker. You know Jack.
CLAIRE: [getting up] You know, I think, I think I'm alright.
CHARLIE: The contractions?
CLAIRE: Maybe that was the last one? Please let that be the last one.
CHARLIE: Jack said that stress can cause false labor.
CAPTION: "Case in point...I was playing some of my old Drive Shaft numbers on the guitar the other day, and about a half dozen women came up and told me to stop because they were having full on Braxton-Hicks contractions. And none of them were even pregnant."
CHARLIE: You sure you're alright?
CLAIRE: No pain.
CHARLIE: Birthing emergency averted. I told you I'd take care of you.
CLAIRE: Thanks, Charlie.
CHARLIE: You're quite welcome. You think you can make it back to the caves? [Claire looks like she's not sure about going back to the caves.] I won't let anything happen to you.
CAPTION: Remember this claim. It may amuse you later.
CLAIRE: Okay, let's go.
[Shot of Sayid limping back to the caves, coming past Locke.]
[Locke peering on from the background.]
SAYID: Listen to me. I found her, the French woman.
JACK: [to Kate] I need some water. What happened?
SAYID: The woman -- on the island. I had to come back. I had to come back. We're not alone.
CAPTION: As it will turn out, that's quite true - in fact, the survivors aren't even the only zip code on the Island.
[Shot of Locke with an odd look on his face.]
[Shot of Charlie and Claire walking in the jungle. Claire gasps and grabs her belly.]
CHARLIE: You okay?
CLAIRE: Yeah, yeah. Look, he just kicked, here [putting Charlie's hand on her belly].
CAPTION: Charlie is now thinking "Isn't it disappointing that the baby can only kick in that one particular region of Claire's body?"
[Shot of Hurley running through the jungle to the caves.]
HURLEY: We've got a problem. The manifest, Jack, the census, the names of everyone who survived, all 46 of us. I interviewed everyone. Here, at the beach, got their names. One of them, one of them isn't -- Jack! One of them isn't in the manifest. He wasn't on the plane.
[Shot of Claire and Charlie. VO of Ethan, then pan to Ethan.]
ETHAN: Hello there.
CHARLIE: Ethan, where's Jack?
CAPTION: This can only mean one thing, gentle television audience. It means that, whenever someone tells you he's from Ontario, he's really a servant of World Evil. And that seems like a good point to end on. So remember, if someone says they're from Ontario, run. Run very fast. See you next week.