Disenhanced Episode 1: Pilot, Part One

Okay, I have an idea for a cool thing to do with this Wikiblog thingy.

You know the "Enhanced" episodes with the running commentary at the bottom? I'd like to do a "Disenhanced" episode, where I make comments to the transcripts for the episodes, of a generally mocking nature. Obviously, since I'm posting to a Lost-blog, people should assume that these mocking comments come from someone who loves the show, and is laughing with J. J. Abrams, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, not at them.

Okay, so you get the concept? Then let's go!

Act 1

[Shot of Jack's eye opening, looking up at the bamboo.]

CAPTION: This is Jack Shephard's eye. Pretty strange way to start a TV show, isn't it? Well, this is a pretty strange TV show.

[Overhead shot panning out to show Jack is lying injured on the ground.]

CAPTION: This is Jack Shephard. He just fell out of a plane, which was flying at a high altitude and was blasted into pieces by a gigantic electromagnetic force. Strangely, his bones have not been crushed into a fine powder.

[Jack sees a dog, slowly gets up, in pain.]

CAPTION: How much would you give to hear Jack ask the dog "Lassie, go tell everyone there's been a plane accident?"

[Finds a little liquor bottle in his pocket.]

CAPTION: Hair of the dog. (Sorry, couldn't resist that one. Oh, and here's one for all you Brits out there reading this.) Apparently this is the Isle of Dogs.

[Then he runs though the bamboo and ends up at the beach. People screaming. He sees the wreckage. People limping and calling for help.]

CAPTION: The worst part of this is that apparently, when you crash, they don't count the Frequent Flyer Miles.

[Shot of the engine still spinning. Charlie getting too close to it.]

CAPTION: This is Charlie Pace. He is a bad musician. He is not going to be sucked into that engine. A bad writer is going to come along who will get sucked into the engine instead.

[Jin screaming.]

CAPTION: This is Kwan Jin Soo, otherwise known as Jin. As you can hear, he only knows how to scream in Korean.

MICHAEL: Walt! Walt!

CAPTION: This is Michael Dawson. He is looking for his son Walt. This is pretty much all he does on the show.

REDSHIRT: Stay away from the gas! Stay there!

[Shannon screaming.]

CAPTION: This is Shannon Rutherford. She is screaming. She is wearing a miniskirt. Those two things together are kind of hot. Don't be afraid to admit that you're staring a little. We'll find out later that she's an asthmatic. She has pretty good pipes for an asthmatic, doesn't she? Okay, now stop staring. It's getting to be kind of creepy.

[Jack looks up at the wing.]

REDSHIRT #2: [trapped under the piece with the still moving engine] Help! Help! Somebody help me! Help! Help! Ahh, my leg! Ah! Ah!

JACK: Hey you, just give me a hand! You, come on! Come over here, give me a hand! [A group of redshirts (and Locke) gather around to lift the metal piece that's trapping the man.] On the count of three: One, two, three.

[Jack pulls the man out from under. One leg is bloody. Jack starts ripping the man's pants to get to the wound. Jack uses his tie as a tourniquet.]

CAPTION: Jack Shephard is a doctor. This is something about him which is going to make him the BMOI. (Big Man On Island.) He likes to fix stuff. Of course, we could have been saved several years of nonsense if he would just fix the damn plane. Him and the Professor on Gilligan's friggin' use at all.

CLAIRE: Help! Please help me! Help me, please help me!

[We see Claire is pregnant and on her hands and knees. Jack sees her.]

CAPTION: This is Claire Littleton. She is Australian. Later on, you will marvel at the way she says things like the words "no" or "flaps".

JACK: [to a redshirt and Locke] All right, get him out of here! Get him away from the engine! Get him out of here!

[He runs over to Claire through a lot of wreckage.]

CLAIRE: Help me, please. I'm having, I'm having contractions.

CAPTION: Claire is pregnant. Yes, I know, major news flash there, what with her being so huge that she had to buy an extra seat on the plane. The child which she currently is storing in utero will be named Aaron, which is Hebrew for "child who will be abandoned several times during the show."

JACK: How many months pregnant are you?

CLAIRE: I'm, I'm nearly eight months.

CAPTION: Eight months. You hear me? That means conclusively that I could NOT have been the father.

[Jack looks over and sees Boone doing CPR on Rose.]

CAPTION: That person over there administering Cardipulmonary Resuscitation is Boone Carlyle. He is utterly incompetent at nearly everything, but he has a happenin' 80s haircut. The person he is resuscitating is Rose Nadler. She was, until she crashed here, dying of cancer. Boone's crappy attempts at CPR are just one more thing that miraculously will not kill her.

JACK: [to Claire] How far apart are they coming?

CLAIRE: I don't know, a-a few just happened.

[Shot of Locke and Redshirt carrying bad-leg-guy away. Another guy starts walking in front of the engine and Locke sees him.]

LOCKE: Hey! Hey, hey, hey, get away from there!

CAPTION: This is John Locke, a 17th Century English philosopher who was, just before this flight, working at a box company in Tustin, CA as a director of regional sales. As we will see on the show, John knows a lot about destiny. Presumably, this means he knows when guys are about to get sucked into a plane engine. You'd think he might be a little quicker with the advice to stay away from the thing, wouldn't you?

[The guy gets sucked into the engine and the engine explodes.]

CAPTION: That person who just got sucked into the engine was Gary Troup. He is the bad writer who gets sucked into the engine on the very first episode of the show. He is the author of the novel Bad Twin, as well as the boyfriend of one of the flight attendants on this flight which just crashed. His shoe size is 9EEE. He often chats on Yahoo using the nickname "Paladin465". He prefers decaffeinated coffee, as it doesn't give him headaches. He recently attended his tenth high school reunion in Azusa, where he told people he was a commodities trader. He is the best possible example of how Lost even gives backstories to characters that die in the first five minutes of the show.

[Shot of people running. Jack sort of falls on top of Claire to protect her.]

CAPTION: Neither Jack nor Claire know that Claire is actually Jack's half-sister, owing to the fact that Jack's father had an affair with an Australian woman. You're not supposed to know this yet either, but it'll seem a lot more 'ooky' that Jack is on top of Claire here if I let you in on that fact now. As ooky as that kiss Leia gives Luke in The Empire Strikes Back, right?

JACK: Listen to me! Look at me! You're going to be okay, do you understand me? But you have to sit absolutely still!

[Jack looking at Boone giving Rose mouth-to-mouth.]

JACK: [to Hurley] Hey, you! Come here! I need you to get this woman away from these fumes! Take her over there. Stay with her. If her contractions occur any closer than three minutes apart, call out for me.

HURLEY: Oh, you got to be kidding me.

CAPTION: This is Hugo "Hurley" Reyes. He is the Comedy Relief for the show. Now that he's here, Claire's contractions have now become "funny" contractions. Feel free to guffaw openly.

JACK: I'll be right back, okay?

CLAIRE: Thank you.

(Jack starts running off).

HURLEY: Hey! What's your name?

JACK: Jack.

[Jack runs up to Boone and Rose.]

JACK: Stop! Her head's not tilted far back enough. You're blowing air into her stomach.

BOONE: You sure?

CAPTION: It's amazing he can get out of bed in the morning.

[Jack starts giving her mouth-to-mouth. ]

BOONE: That's exactly what I was doing. I'm a lifeguard. I'm licensed.

JACK: Yeah, well, you need to seriously think about giving that license back.

CAPTION: Yes, but he can't find the box of Fruity-Os it came out of.

BOONE: Maybe we should do one of those hole things. You know, stick the pen in the throat?

JACK: Yeah, good idea. You go get me a pen.

[Boone runs off to get pens.]

CAPTION: On a later episode, the survivors will face a challenge that requires them to write something in ink...but Boone has all the pens. I guess only then will they wish that they had been nicer to Boone.

JACK: [doing CPR] Come on. Come on! Come on! Come on!

[Rose breathes.]

CAPTION: Inexplicably, Rose does not start breathing after coughing up water or blood. This is quite unaccountable, because everyone knows that's the only way people start breathing after CPR. This will be demonstrated as a principle on virtually every single episode of Lost in the future.

JACK: Big deep breaths. Take breaths!

[Sound of metal. Jack looks up to see a big piece of metal high up (the wing) on some of the wreckage starting to wobble. Claire and Hurley are right under where it would fall. Jack runs over to them.]

JACK: [as he's running] Move! Move! Move! Get her up! Get her out of there! The wing!

[Jack, Hurley, and Claire run out of way as there is a huge explosion. A big piece of burning debris lands near Charlie.]

CAPTION: This is the second plane part that could easily have killed Charlie Pace. He's pretty lucky, isn't he? Leading a charmed life, I must say. Nothin' bad will ever happen to this guy, nosireebob.

JACK: [to Claire] You okay?


JACK: [to Hurley] You? [Hurley sort of nods lying on the ground]. Stay with her.

HURLEY: Dude, I'm not going anywhere.

CAPTION: Dude, that goes without saying. (Okay, that was sort of mean.)

[Jack sort of stumbling around the beach, looks into the fuselage. Takes a moment to steady himself, almost crying.]

BOONE: [walking up holding out a handful of pens] I didn't know which one would work best.

JACK: They're all good. Thanks.

CAPTION: Now use one of them and write "I am an utter moron" 5000 times. When one pen runs out, use the next one.

[Shot of Jack going through a suitcase, and finding a sewing kit. Jack going to a deserted part of the beach and taking his jacket and shirt off. He has a big gash on his side. Kate comes walking by, doesn't know Jack is there. Kate rubbing her wrist.]

CAPTION: This is Kate Austen. She is a dangerous criminal to whom Jack is about to give a sharp object to stick him with. Again, I shouldn't be telling you this yet, but Kate is a murderer. Yes, yes, I know that she's cute as the dickens. Yes, I know no one with freckles can possibly be a murderer. She must be misunderstood, right? I mean, Hitler didn't have freckles.

JACK: Excuse me. Did you ever use a needle?

KATE: What?

JACK: Did you ever … patch a pair of jeans?

KATE: I, uhm, I made the drapes in my apartment.

CAPTION: Jack is trying to convince Kate to sew up an open wound on the basis of her mad drapemakin' skillz. A line cut from the original draft of this pilot episode has him enquiring whether Kate was board certified by the California Association of Surgical Seamstresses or not, but it was determined that too much time would be spent on Kate properly establishing her credentials.

JACK: That's fantastic. Listen, do you have a second? I could use a little help here.

[Kate walks over to him.]

KATE: And with what?

JACK: With this.

[Jack shows her the wound, and she grimaces.]

JACK: Look, I'd do it myself, I'm a doctor, but I just can't reach it.

KATE: You want me to sew that up?

JACK: It's just like the drapes, same thing.

KATE: No, with the drapes I used a sewing machine.

CAPTION: On a related note, Singer has just come out with its Gashomatic 3000.

JACK: No, you can do this. I'm telling you. If you wouldn't mind.

[Jack looks at her pleadingly.]

KATE: Of course I will.

JACK: Thank you. [handing her the little liquor bottle from his pocket] It's for your hands. Save me some for the, for the wound.

CAPTION: "Also, if you suck at this, I might need a few hits off the thing."

[Kate picks up a little sewing kit.]

KATE: Any color preference?

CAPTION: Jack is thinking "That's a rather personal question, isn't it?"

JACK: [laughing] No. Standard black.

CAPTION: Ha ha ha. "Let's change the subject", he's thinking.

[Jack dumps the vodka on his wound.]

[Shot of Sawyer lighting up a cigarette. Looking around. Then walking away, looks like he tosses his smoke down, disgusted-like.]

CAPTION: This is James "Sawyer" Ford. He is a Southerner, a con man and a general "bad boy". He acts like a jerk to everyone most of the time. Naturally, anything female on this island will in short order want to do him. Something will happen that will absolutely require him to take his shirt off in 85% of all episodes of this show.

[Claire standing by the shore; Hurley stacking airline food; Locke sitting alone looking out toward the ocean; Boone getting a "no service" signal on his cell phone.]

CAPTION: Imagine them not having service on a deserted island. This never would have happened if Boone had got AT&T instead of one of those fly-by-night companies. Just as well that he didn't, though. I think this would count as roaming.

BOONE: Come on.

[Shot of Sayid adding wood to a big fire.]

SAYID: [to Charlie] Hey you. What's your name?

CHARLIE: Me? Charlie.

SAYID: Charlie. We need help with the fire. No-one will see us if it isn't big.

CAPTION: It's a good thing they're sending Charlie to get the firewood. Charlie will be safe. Nothing bad ever happens to Charlie. Safe and sound with Charlie around, that's what I always say.

CHARLIE: Okay, I'm on it. What's your name?

SAYID: Sayid.

CHARLIE: Sayid. I'm on it, Sayid.

CAPTION: This is Sayid Jirrah. He has been a member of Saddam Hussein's Republican Guard, committed acts of unspeakable torture, and, in the future, will commit numerous contract killings. Fans of the show think he's a big sweetie.

[Shot of Rose kissing the ring on her necklace.]

CAPTION: I compare you to a kiss from a Rose who is gray. Ooh, my power, my passion, my pain. (Aren't you so glad Seal decided against recording something for the Lost soundtrack?)

[Kate sewing up Jack's wound.]

KATE: I might throw up on you.

CAPTION: That'd be something for one of the clip shows, wouldn't it?

JACK: [shaking his head] You're doing fine.

KATE: You don't seem afraid at all. I don't understand that.

JACK: Well, fear's sort of an odd thing. When I was in residency, my first solo procedure was a spinal surgery on a 16 year old kid, a girl. And at the end, after 13 hours, I was closing her up and I, I accidentally ripped her dural sac. Shredded the base of the spine where all the nerves come together, membrane as thin as tissue. And so it ripped open. And the nerves just spilled out of her like angel hair pasta, spinal fluid flowing out of her and I … And the terror was just so … crazy. So real. And I knew I had to deal with it. (He's crying). So I just made a choice. I'd let the fear in, let it take over, let it do its thing, but only for five seconds, that's all I was going to give it. So I started to count: One, two, three, four, five. Then it was gone. I went back to work, sewed her up and she was fine.

CAPTION: Sadly, whenever malpractice suit paperwork arrives, the counting to five method doesn't work as well. The subpoena is still there when you're done counting.

KATE: If that had been me, I think I would have run for the door.

JACK: No, I don't think that's true. You're not running now.

[Shot of stars in night sky; Charlie writing F.A.T.E. on his taped fingers, sitting next to Sayid.]

CAPTION: Do not mistake this for C.O.I.N.C.I.D.E.N.C.E.

SAYID: You think they would have come by now.

CHARLIE: Huh? Who?

SAYID: Anyone.

CAPTION: Maybe not just anyone should show up. Later on, a guy named Martin Keamy will show up on the island, illustrating this point.

[Shot of Shannon painting her toenails. Boone comes up, offers her a candy bar.]

SHANNON: As if I'm going to start eating chocolate.

CAPTION: Actually, if it was chocolate-flavored Ex-Lax, it could do Shannon a world of good.

BOONE: Shannon, we may be here for a while.

SHANNON: The plane had a black box, idiot. They know exactly where they are, they're coming. I'll eat on the rescue boat. [He offers the chocolate again]. I'll. Eat. On. The. Rescue. Boat. [Boone eats the chocolate.]

[Shot of Claire sitting on a piece of wreckage. Hurley comes up with a tray of airplane food.]

HURLEY: Hungry?

CLAIRE: Yeah, thanks.

HURLEY: Anymore, uh … you know, baby stuff?

CLAIRE: No. I'm-I'm okay.

HURLEY: Well, hang in there.

CLAIRE: Yeah, you too.

[Hurley's arm comes back into the shot and gives her another meal.]

CAPTION: A second meal, because Claire's grossing Hurley out...for two.

[Close up of Michael]

MICHAEL: You sure you're warm enough?

[Shot of Walt lying on the beach under a blanket. He just nods, with a far-off look.]

CAPTION: I hope Walt doesn't wander too far off mentally...otherwise Michael will try to find him, shouting "Walt! WALT!"

[Shot of Jin and Sun.]

JIN: 내 옆에서 엎어지면 안 돼. 내가 어디로 가든지 꼭 따라와. 알겠지? [Sun nods.] 다른 사람 신경쓰지 말고 우린 같이 있어야 돼. [Subtitle: You must not leave my sight. You must follow me wherever I go. Do you understand? Don't worry about the others. We need to stay together.]

CAPTION: Real translation - Yo, check it, what's the 411 on this gettin' jiggy with them, y'all? They're not all that and a bag of chips, you feel me? You better check yourself before you wreck yourself. Peace, me out.

[Shot of Kate standing over Jack while he's working on Marshal Mars, examining the Marshal's wound.]

KATE: Do you think he's going to live?

JACK: Do you know him?

KATE: He was sitting next to me.

CAPTION: "I know this because I spent most of the flight calculating the proper angle to thrust my hand in between his rib cage and pull out his still-beating heart."

[Shot of a leaf torn into the shape of an airplane.]

JACK: [off camera at first] We must have been at about 40,000 feet when it happened. Hit an air pocket. Dropped, maybe, 200 feet. The turbulence was … I blacked out.

KATE: I didn't. I saw the whole thing. I knew that the tail was gone, but I couldn't bring myself to look back. And then the, the front of the plane broke off.

JACK: Well, it's not here on the beach. Neither is the tail. We need to figure out which way we came in.

KATE: Why?

CAPTION: "Because we need some reason to wander into the jungle, be chased by a polar bear inexplicably located on an island in the South Pacific and then sliced and diced by a non-corporeal entity which is made out of smoke and likes to eat airline pilots. Did I not make that clear?"

JACK: Because there's a chance we could find the cockpit. If it's intact, we might be able to find a transceiver. Send out a signal, help the rescue party find us.

KATE: How do you know all that?

JACK: Took a couple flying lessons. Wasn't for me.

CAPTION: I'll bet Jack feels like a dork now. But isn't that always the choose being a spinal surgeon over being a pilot, and then wouldn't you know it, you get stuck on a deserted island. Suppose they find a plane. Jack's gonna feel like a brainiac when he can't fly the thing, but does know numerous ways to correct scoliosis.

KATE: I saw some smoke. Just through the valley. If you're thinking about going for the cockpit, I'm going with you.

JACK: I don't know your name.

KATE: I'm Kate.

CAPTION: Actually, Kate was raised near an Indian reservation, and her Native name is She-Who-Must-Tag-Along.

JACK: Jack.

[Metal/weird sound coming from the jungle. Everyone on the beach is looking; Kate looks; Locke looks (the camera pans forward toward him for a close up); Walt looks; Shannon and Boone look.]

SHANNON: What was that?

[Kate looks back at Jack; Charlie and Sayid look.]

CHARLIE: That was weird, right?

WALT: Is that Vincent?

CAPTION: Vincent is Walt's dog. Unless dogs have acquired the capacity to make weird metal sounds, Walt's suggestion here seems to indicate he has watched far too many episodes of Transformers.

[Walt gets up and goes toward it.]

MICHAEL: [getting up to follow] It's not Vincent.

CAPTION: Thanks for clearing that up, Michael.

[Shot of trees moving/getting smashed down.]

CLAIRE: [coming into the frame] Did anybody see that?

HURLEY: [in disbelief] Yeah.

[Boone gets up, moves off.]


[Everyone moving toward the sound, except Michael who backs off. Everyone looking out at the trees moving/getting smashed.]

CHARLIE: Terrific.

CAPTION: The only person with "terrific" judgment appears to be Michael - everyone else's judgment, in moving closer to the thing that's knocking down those trees, leaves something to be desired.

Act 2

[Shot out of airplane window over wing above clouds. Shot of Jack. Sound of cart rolling up.]

CINDY: So, how's the drink?

JACK: It's good.

CINDY: That wasn't a very strong reaction.

JACK: Well, it's not a very strong drink.

CINDY: [hands him two more bottles] Shhh. Just don't tell anyone.

JACK: This of course breaks some critical FAA regulations.

[Jack puts one of the bottles in his coat pocket and drinks the other.]

CAPTION: One theory of how the island came to be is that the whole thing is just a hallucination caused by mixing four ounces of Southern Comfort with airline peanuts.

[He stands up, then Charlie comes by him in the aisle.]

CHARLIE: Excuse me.

CINDY: [in background, to Charlie] Sir, excuse me!

ROSE: [looking at Charlie, then at Jack] Guess he really had to go.

[Two Flight Attendants run by.]

CAPTION: The flight attendants are chasing Charlie because he is going to the bathroom to use heroin, and the NO HEROIN sign is clearly on.

CINDY: Sir, excuse me!

[Jack sits back down. Then there is turbulence. Jack puts on his seatbelt.]

CINDY: [on the intercom] Ladies and gentleman, the pilot has switched on the "fasten seatbelt" sign. Please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts.

JACK: [to Rose] It's normal.

ROSE: Oh, I know. I've just never been a very good flyer. My husband keeps reminding me that planes want to be in the air.

CAPTION: Electromagnetic pulses want planes not to be in the air, though. It's kind of a contradiction, isn't it?

JACK: Well, he sounds like a very smart man.

CAPTION: For a dentist.

ROSE: Be sure and tell him that when he gets back from the bathroom.

[The plane is really shaking now.]

JACK: Well, I'll keep you company until he does. Don't worry it's going to be over …

[There's a sudden lurch and one passenger goes flying out of his seat and hits the ceiling. More shaking and screaming. The oxygen masks come down. Jack and Rose put their masks on. Shot of another guy putting his mask on.]

[Shot of ocean, then Jack looking out at the ocean. Rose and a bunch of redshirts in the background.]

CAPTION: Find Sexy Blue Striped Shirt Girl in this crowd of redshirts and be the fourth caller to call in, you'll and receive a CD of Terry O'Quinn's Favorite Irish Sea Shanties.

MICHAEL: It didn't sound like an animal. Not exactly, I mean.

ROSE: That sound that it made, I keep thinking that there was something really familiar about it.

SHANNON: Really? Where are you from?

ROSE: The Bronx.

CAPTION: The Bronx? That doesn't help narrow it down. That could be about a hundred things in the Bronx.

CHARLIE: Might be monkeys. It's monkeys, right?

SAWYER: Sure it's monkeys. It's Monkey Island.

CAPTION: "Guybrush Threepwood vs. Jack Shephard". Best two of three falls.

HURLEY: Technically, you know, we don't even know if we're on an island.

CAPTION: Actually, Hurley has a point. They could be on any one of the gigantic continental land masses of the South Pacific.

SAYID: We're on an island.

KATE: [coming up behind Jack] You ready?

JACK: Kate, you showed me where the smoke was. I can get there myself.

KATE: I'm coming.

CAPTION: Just a little bit past the halfway mark on this episode and Kate has already volunteered to come on two missions. Let's keep a running tab of this throughout the show, shall we? TWO.

JACK: [smiling] Well, you're going to need better shoes.

[Shot of a dead body's feet. Kate reaches down to take hiking boots, checks the size. She looks at Locke, who's looking at her. He gives her the "orange" smile. He keeps eating the orange and looks away. She looks slightly freaked out/disgusted.]

CAPTION: Nothing says dangerous psychopath quite like a big citrusy smile, does it?

[Shot of a group: Michael, Walt, Charlie, Sayid, Boone and Shannon, with Hurley approaching.]

MICHAEL: Whatever it was … it wasn't natural.

CHARLIE: Does anyone have any sun block?

SHANNON: Yeah, I do.

CHARLIE: Ah. Cool.

CAPTION: Go easy on that stuff, unless you know whether the island provides any natural reserves of Coppertone.

HURLEY: So, I was just looking inside the fuselage … It's pretty grim in there. You think we should do something about the, uh … [stopping and looking at Walt] b-o-d-y-s?

MICHAEL: What are you spelling, man? "Bodies"?

WALT: B-o-d-i-e-s.

CAPTION: Ah yes, survival will depend upon proper orthographic skills.

SAYID: That sounds like a good idea.

SHANNON: No! They'll deal with it when they get here.

JACK: [entering] We go out and look for the cockpit. See if we can find a transceiver, to send a distress signal, help the rescue team. (To Boone) You're going to need to keep an eye on the wounded. If the guy in the suit wakes up, try to keep him calm, but don't let him remove that piece of shrapnel. You understand?

BOONE: Yeah, got it. What about the guy with the leg? The, the tourniquet.

JACK: I stopped the bleeding. I took it off last night. He … he should be all right.

BOONE: Yeah. Cool. Good job.

CAPTION: High praise indeed.

CHARLIE: I'll come with you. I want to help.

JACK: I don't need any more help.

CHARLIE: No, it's cool, I don't really feel like standing still, so. [Jack nods].

CAPTION: "Like I can stop him."

CHARLIE: Excellent.

[Shot of valley looking out toward sea. You can see Jack, Charlie, and Kate in the distance coming toward camera.]

KATE: May I ask you something?

CHARLIE: Me? I'd be thrilled. I've been waiting.

KATE: Have we ever met, anywhere?

CHARLIE: No, that would be unlikely.

KATE: Hum.

CHARLIE: I look familiar, though, right?

KATE: Yeah.

CHARLIE: Can't quite place it?

KATE: No, I can't.

CHARLIE: Yeah. I think I know.

KATE: You do?

CHARLIE: [singing] You all everybody … You all everybody! You've never heard that song?

KATE: I've heard it. I just don't know what the hell it is—

CAPTION: "Or how to get it the frig out of my head?"

CHARLIE: That's us. Drive Shaft. Look, the ring—second tour of Finland.

CAPTION: "Ooh, Finland. Rock Central."

CHARLIE: You've never heard of Drive Shaft?

KATE: [incredulous] The band?

CHARLIE: Yeah, the band.

KATE: You were in Drive Shaft.

CHARLIE: I am in Drive Shaft. I play bass.

KATE: Seriously?

CAPTION: Would someone actually make that up?

CHARLIE: Yeah, Charlie. Track 3, you know, I do backing vocals.

KATE: My friend Beth would freak. She loved you guys.

CHARLIE: Give me Beth's number, I'll call her, I'd, I'd love to.

CAPTION: In Season 4, Charlie asks Hurley to call Beth for him, because Hurley is the only one who can see or hear Charlie. Long story.

JACK: Hey—

KATE: Have you ever heard of Drive Shaft?

CHARLIE: [singing] You all everybody …

JACK: [shakes his head] We've got to keep moving.

KATE: They were good.

CHARLIE: They are good. We're still together. In the middle of a comeback.

CAPTION: Some of the fans are disturbed by the message of "Charlie is dead" on the last album, if you play it backwards.

[Camera pans down to reveal Vincent; shot of Locke alone on the beach looking out to sea; we see clouds forming, sound of thunder. Shot of Kate, Charlie, Jack in the jungle in the rain.]

CHARLIE: Hey guys, is this normal? Kind of … day turning into night, you know? End of the world type weather. Is this—guys?

CAPTION: Well, that and the time flashes. What, jumping the gun?

[Shot of Locke sitting on the beach with people running around to get out of the rain. Locke just sits there. Jin kicks a guy out from Jin and Sun's little overhang of debris.]

CAPTION: This is Scott, trying to "get with" Sun. Or is it Steve? One of those guys. I can never tell them apart.

[Hurley runs past Boone and Shannon who are racing to get inside the fuselage.]

HURLEY: I don't know if you want to go in there! There's too many bodies.

[Shot of Michael holding something up (some kind of tarp?) under some debris, puts his arm on Walt's shoulder. Shot of Locke alone on the beach in a sort of meditation pose (music is sort of bittersweet). Locke holds his arms out, turns his face up to the rain, seems happy.]

CAPTION: Plane crashes are wonderful, aren't they? First off, they bring fathers and sons together. Also, they bring joy to the hearts of freaky-lookin' bald guys with orange smiles.

[We see the Monster in the jungle by the beach. Claire and Rose see it.]

CLAIRE: There it is again.

ROSE: Oh my god.

[Shot of Jack, Kate, Charlie coming upon the cockpit. They all look a bit scared.]

JACK: Well? Let's do this.

CAPTION: "Next week, on Really Bad Ideas..."

Act 3

[Shot of Jack, Kate, and Charlie making their way to the cockpit wreckage.]

CHARLIE: Let's get this trans…

JACK: Transceiver.

CHARLIE: Transceiver thing and get out of here.

CAPTION: Charlie is thinking about that last night in Helsinki, when he spent the night with two transceivers.

[We see them climbing up, through the front of the plane. There are dead bodies. Jack can't open the cockpit door, bangs on it with a fire extinguisher. It opens and body comes falling out.]

CAPTION: This is actually not a real dead body. This was a practical joke on Cindy, the flight attendant, which never came off because of the crash. really would have scared the bejeezus out of her.

JACK: [to Kate] You okay?

KATE: Yeah. You?

JACK: Yeah.

CHARLIE: I'm fine. Charlie's fine, by the way. Okay?

CAPTION: Of course he's fine. Nothing bad ever happens to Charlie. Come on. I mean, like, really.

JACK: [to Kate] Hey. You don't have to come up here.

KATE: No, I'm good.

[Kate and Jack get inside the cockpit.]

KATE: So, what does a transceiver look like?

JACK: Complicated walkie-talkie.

CAPTION: Charlie now realizes that transceiver doesn't mean what he thought it meant.

[Kate climbs over the pilot looking for the transceiver when suddenly the pilot takes a breath.]

JACK: Hey! Can you hear me? Hey! Can you hear me? [to Kate] I need that water. [He gives the pilot some water] Hey. Here you go. Hey.

CAPTION: Again, this violates the normal Lost rule that people who are going to start breathing again need to spit up water or blood before they are allowed to do so. The first few episodes are a little rough on a new show, but they'll get the hang of it soon.

PILOT: How many survived?

CAPTION: This is Seth Norris. He has a wife back in the U.S. who was his high school sweetheart, and who probably will be distressed when he is turned into Monster Chow in the next few minutes.

JACK: At least 48. Does anything feel broken?

PILOT: No, no. Just my head's a little dizzy, that's all.

JACK: Yeah. It's probably a concussion.

PILOT: How long has it been?

CAPTION: Jack is thinking that this is a rather personal question. And also that Monty Python can sue for copyright infringement.

JACK: Sixteen hours.

PILOT: Sixteen? Has anybody come?

JACK: Not yet.

PILOT: Six hours in, our radio went out.

CAPTION: "My navigator gets jittery without Casey Kasem's Top 40 show."

PILOT: No-one could see us. We turned back to land in Fiji. By the time we hit turbulence, we … we were a thousand miles off course. They're looking for us in the wrong place.

CAPTION: "They should be looking...somewhere in the South Pacific."

PILOT: We have a transceiver.

[The pilot moves to go get it.]

JACK: Good. Good, that's what we were hoping. Listen, you shouldn't try to move.

PILOT: No, no. I'm okay. It's okay. Transceiver's right there. It's right there.

[Kate gets it and hands it to the pilot.]

JACK: [to Kate] Where's Charlie?

[Kate goes to look for Charlie. The pilot is fiddling with the transceiver.]

PILOT: It's not working.

CAPTION: Actually, it's probably better this way. Some air traffic controller in Wellington, New Zealand doesn't have to listen to the Monster crackling the pilot's bones like raw kindling.

KATE: [going through cabin, seeing dead bodies] Charlie?

[Charlie comes out of the bathroom.]

KATE: What were you doing in the bathroom?

CAPTION: Drugged-out loser says "What."


[The plane starts shaking. We hear the monster sounds. Shot of Kate and Charlie, Pilot and Jack reacting.]

PILOT: What the hell was that?

JACK: Kate.

[Shot of Kate going back into Cockpit with Charlie's help.]

KATE: It's right outside.

PILOT: What, what's right outside?

JACK: Shhhh.

[Kate looks terrified. We see the shadow of the monster going past window. Jack tries to look out the window to see it. The pilot goes up to try and see it and climbs part way out of an opening above. Charlie comes into the cockpit. The pilot gets snatched out of a broken window. There's blood all over the window.]

CAPTION: Ew. Yicky.

CHARLIE: What the hell just happened?

[Big crashing and shaking. Jack reaches for the transceiver which the pilot put down in the co-pilot's seat, just it before it falls. The cockpit falls to the ground from it's inclined position. Jack is reaching for the transceiver.]

KATE: Jack, come on!

CHARLIE: Just leave it!

[Jack grabs it. They run. Monster sounds, running, anxious music. Charlie falls. His leg is trapped in some vines. Jack goes back to rescue him. Kate keeps running and ends up alone.]

KATE: [terrified] J-J-J … Jaaaack! [Big door slamming sound/big footstep sounds. Kate is trying to compose herself] One! Two! Three! Four! Five!

CAPTION: Okay, but when Jack counts to five, he summons up the strength to prevent a tear in some girl's dural sac from splaying her nerves all over like angel hair pasta. When Kate counts to arrives at the number five.

Act 4

[Shot of Kate, she hears something and looks off. Charlie comes up behind her, she turns to find him and knocks him down.]


KATE: Where the hell is Jack?

CAPTION: "Well, maybe he went to go fix some problem. Well, maybe he went to go lead some people. Well, maybe he went to go be a doctor. Well, maybe he went to see the Circle Jerks."

CHARLIE: I don't know!

KATE: You see him?

CHARLIE: Yeah, he pulled me up!

KATE: Where is he?

CHARLIE: I don't know!

KATE: How can you not know?

CAPTION: As people get to know Charlie, they will no longer ask him this question.

CHARLIE: We got separated! Look, I … I fell down, and he, he came back for me, that thing was just…

KATE: Did you see it?

CHARLIE: No. No! But it was right there. We were dead! I was. An-And then Jack came back, and he, he pulled me up. I don't know where he is.

[Kate looks around.]

KATE: We have to go back for him.

CHARLIE: Go back? There? Kate, there's a certain gargantuan quality about this thing.

CAPTION: "It's bigger than the Beatles."

KATE: Then don't come.

[Kate walks off, Charlie gets up to follow (reluctantly).]


[Shot of jungle. Kate and Charlie walking around.]

CHARLIE: I heard you shout. I heard you shout "Jack". I'm Charlie, by the way.

CAPTION: It's Charlie's own fault for not bonding with Kate over an open flesh wound. Jack always uses that as an icebreaker.

[Kate sees something.]

CHARLIE: What is that?

[Kate picks up pilot's wings from the muddy ground. Shot shifts focus from wings to the reflection in the water where they see the pilot's body in the tree above them.]

CAPTION: The skies are a mite unfriendly today.

CHARLIE: What is…

JACK: [approaching] It's the pilot.

KATE: Did you see it?

JACK: No. It was right behind me, but … I dove into the bushes.

CHARLIE: [pointing up to the pilot in the tree] Guys? How does something like that happen?

[Shot of bloody pilot in the treetop, bloody and with face-skin torn off, but not eaten.]

CAPTION: Gives new meaning to the term "Pilot Episode', doesn't it?

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