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Disenhanced: Pilot, Part 2

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Back by semi-popular demand...here is the "disenhanced" version of the second episode, or more properly, the second part of the pilot. (Actually, given what happened where we left things in the story last time, we have to acknowledge that, when the Monster got through with him, there were lots of parts of the pilot. But I digress.)

Without further ado, let's jump right into the action.

Act 1

[Shot of Kate, Charlie, Jack walking in woods. No rain or clouds. Jack is trying the transceiver.]

CHARLIE: Anything?

JACK: You keep asking if there's anything.

CAPTION: Jack is using the time-honored Rogerian technique of active listening. This is to make Charlie feel valued and listened to, which, of course, he is not. Charlie says "Anything?" Jack says "You keep asking if there's anything", which proves that Jack has heard what Charlie has said. What Jack is thinking during all of this, though, is how Kate's skin glistens and shimmers whenever she's sweaty from fleeing an attack by a non-corporeal entity.

CHARLIE: Pardon me for appearing desperate, but before the pilot was ripped from the cockpit, he did say that no-one's going to find us unless we … get that transceiver working. So … is there anything?

JACK: No.

CHARLIE: Okay.

CAPTION: In a deleted scene, Charlie keeps asking questions he's already asked over and over again, especially "Are we there yet?" Finally, Jack gets upset, stops the group in their tracks and shouts "Okay, that's it! If you say that one more time, I'm turning this search party around and we're all going right back home!"

KATE: [to Charlie] What were you doing? In the bathroom?

CHARLIE: I thought you could tell. I was getting sick. Puking. My one tangible contribution to the trek.

CAPTION: A little sympathy, please, people. Charlie is not only a heroin addict, but also a bulimic. He gets high, but then feels guilty about all the calories. It's sad, really.

KATE: No. I'm glad you came. Charlie.

CHARLIE: Every trek needs a coward.

CAPTION: Take Spock for example. Yeah, I know, he's the big impressive Science Officer. But deep down, you know he was just a scaredypants Vulcan weenie.

KATE: You're not a coward.

[Long shot of Charlie's reaction. We hear a tapping sound. FLASHBACK to Charlie on the airplane, tapping his ring against the seat's armrest, looking miserable.]

CINDY: You all right, sir?

CHARLIE: I'm good. Thanks.

CINDY: Can I get you a water, or…

CHARLIE: [irritated] Fine. Thank you? Please?

CINDY: [nodding, but looking unconvinced] All right.

CAPTION: Agreed, the likelihood that a rock star traveling on an airplane could ever be rude or annoying to a flight attendant is slim to none. Anyone would have a hard time believing such an implausible scenario.

[Shot of Charlie looking back down the aisle to see some Flight Attendants talking in the back of the plane. One Flight Attendant starts walking toward Charlie who bolts (this is where he bumps into Jack).]

CHARLIE: Excuse me.

ROSE: Guess he really had to go.

CAPTION: It's hard to blame Charlie. A friend told him something about the Mile High Club, and he wanted to try it.

CINDY: Sir, excuse me! [getting angry] Sir, excuse me!

[Charlie's trying to get into a bathroom, but they are locked. He bolts again away from the flight attendants that are following him. He's goes through the row where Shannon and Boone are.]

SHANNON: [annoyed] Excuse me?

CAPTION: This from the girl who's constantly "huffing" on her asthma inhaler.

[The turbulence starts. Cindy reaches for an intercom panel.]

CINDY: Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the "fasten seatbelt" sign. Please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts.

[Charlie gets into a bathroom and locks the door. He takes off his shoe to reveal a baggy of heroin.]

CAPTION: To protect your stash, try Ziploc's new drug bags...they just zip closed, to lock in the street value.

JD: [through the bathroom door] Sir, are you all right?

CHARLIE: Just a minute. [Charlie takes some of the drugs. We hear knocking.] Just a minute.

JD: I'm gonna have to ask that you open the door, please.

CAPTION: Isn't it great that Zach Braff took time off from his role on Scrubs to be on the show? Let's have a big hand for him, folks.

[Charlie looking into the mirror with a drugged out/relieved look on his face. We hear more knocking.]

JD: Open the door now, sir. Sir!

[Charlie drops the drugs into the sink, then goes to open the cabinet beneath (presumably to make the drugs fall down there?) Suddenly there's a big bump of turbulence, and Charlie goes flying into the ceiling. He opens the door and falls down with a food cart rolling toward him. He rolls out of the way just in time, crawls to a seat and puts the seatbelt and oxygen mask on.]

Act 2

[Shot of Shannon sunbathing. Boone enters.]

BOONE: Hey. We're going through some clothes. Sorting them. I see you found your bag. Come on, you want to give us a hand?

SHANNON: Not really. You're wasting your time. They're coming.

[Boone walks away.]

CAPTION: What is Boone thinking here? Rooting through the suitcases of dead airline passengers for clothes? That's like buying off of the rack...

CLAIRE: [sitting next to Shannon] Is that your boyfriend?

SHANNON: My brother. Boone. God's friggin' gift to humanity.

CAPTION: As it turns out, both Claire and Shannon are right. (Okay, maybe not about the "gift to humanity" thing.)

CLAIRE: I used to have a stomach.

CAPTION: Is she kidding? She has a stomach that could be marked "Continued on next stomach."

SHANNON: You know what it is?

CLAIRE: Not yet. I haven't felt the baby move since yesterday.

CAPTION: A wise move on the baby's part. When Aaron is born, he will be abandoned by so many of his guardians that it will make his little head spin. Playing it cool and keeping a low profile might be the way to go, fetus boy.

[Shot of tide pool. Jin getting an urchin. Sun looking on. Michael enters.]

MICHAEL: Uh, excuse me. Hey, uh … have you, uh … have you seen my boy?

SUN: 죄송해요. 저 영어 못 해요. 아 … 저, 제가 영어를 못 해요.

CAPTION: "You had better leave, or my jealous husband will flay you to within an inch of your life, cute though you may be."

JIN: 윗 단추가 열렸네. 채워라. 빨리!

CAPTION: "Um, Sun? Hell-O? I can understand you. I speak Korean."

[Jin motions for Sun to button her top button; Sun obeys.]

CAPTION: Sun is thinking "Oh, crap, now Michael is going to think I'm not loose. I'd better let him know I speak English at some point so he'll know he totally has a shot with me."

MICHAEL: I'm sorry. [Walks off camera] Walt! Walt?

CAPTION: No, no, Michael. It's more like "Walt?! WALT!!"

[Shot of Walt carrying a leash.]

WALT: Vincent! Vincent! Come here, boy!

[Walt finds handcuffs lying on the ground.]

CAPTION: The presence of these handcuffs is an indication that two other survivors of the crash, whose names are Nikki and Paulo, spent the night here last night.

MICHAEL: [running up] Hey! What did I tell you? After everything that's happened!

WALT: I thought that maybe Vincent would be around!

CAPTION: No. Vincent is not here. He has work to do.

MICHAEL: I told you to stay on the beach!

WALT: This is so close to the beach, I thought this would be okay…

MICHAEL: Don't do that. You listen to me. I mean what I say. You understand?

[Walt gives him a dirty look. Michael looks down to see the handcuffs in Walt's hands.]

CAPTION: First, they're looking up at you from their cribs, clutching their teddy bears tightly for security. Then later, they're wandering off into the jungle to play with law enforcement restraining devices. They grow up so fast, don't they?

MICHAEL: What is this?

WALT: I just found it.

CAPTION: "Honest, Dad...I was just holding it for a friend."

[Michael looks around, worried.]

MICHAEL: [putting a protective arm around Walt] Come here.

CAPTION: Later on, Sayid gets out some torture devices, as part of Michael's "tough love" approach to childrearing.

Act 3

[We see a fight between Sawyer and Sayid on the beach. People standing around watching.]

MICHAEL: Hey guys. Come on, man. Hey.

JACK: Hey. Break it up. Break it up! Come on!

MICHAEL: That's it! It's over!

JACK: That's it!

SAWYER: Son of a bitch!

SAYID: I'm sick of this redneck!

CAPTION: Ironically, Jeff Foxworthy was a finalist for the role of Sawyer. Two things ended up sealing the deal for Josh Holloway instead. First, women think Jeff Foxworthy is about as attractive as a root canal. Second, Damon Lindelof was not pleased with Foxworthy's intended rewrite of the dialogue in Exodus, Part One to include a routine going by the name "You Might Just Be An Other".

SAWYER: You want some more of me, boy?

SAYID: Tell everyone what you told me! Tell them that I crashed the plane! Go on! Tell them I made the plane crash!

SAWYER: The shoe fits, buddy!

JACK: What is going on?

SAYID: Ibn Al-Kalb!

CAPTION: This is Arabic for "son of Marvin Kalb, former chief diplomatic correspondent for NBC News." In the Arabic-speaking world, this is considered a supreme insult, far worse even than "pus seeping from the insoles of the shoes of Britney Spears."

JACK: What's going on?

MICHAEL: [handing the handcuffs to Jack] Look, my kid found these in the jungle.

SAWYER: And this guy was sitting in the back row of business class, the whole flight, never got up. Hands folded underneath the blanket.

CAPTION: The less said about that the better.

SAYID: Oh.

SAWYER: And for some reason - just pointin' this out - the guy sittin' next to him didn't make it.

SAYID: Thank you so much for observing my behavior.

SAWYER: You don't think I saw them pull you out of line before we boarded?

CAPTION: If anyone knows "out of line", it's Sawyer.

[Sayid tries to get to Sawyer again to hit him.]

SAWYER: Come on, bring it!

KATE: [loud] Stop!

[Sayid backs off.]

CAPTION: The spectre of five-foot-whatever Kate going medieval on these burly guys is too frightening to contemplate, isn't it?

KATE: We found the transceiver, but it's not working. Can anybody help?

SAYID: Yes. I might be able to.

SAWYER: Oh great. Perfect! Let's trust this guy!

CAPTION: In truth, the worst case scenario is that Sayid, due to the superiority of his training in communications technology during his years in the Republican Guard, actually gets the transceiver working well enough to tune in a radio station playing 24 hours of "You All Everybody", the mega-platinum hit by Charlie's band Drive Shaft. If Sayid's sympathies truly lay with the Axis of Evil, that's what he'd do, right?

HURLEY: Hey! We're all this together, man. Let's treat each other with a little respect.

SAWYER: Shut up, Lardo.

CAPTION: In the future, Sawyer's put-down nicknames, for Hurley and for the other denizens of the island, will become so complex as to be things of beauty to behold. So it's interesting that the first nickname he gives anyone on the show is as unremarkable and mundane as "Lardo", isn't it? Talk about lame. It's like he's not even trying. Maybe this was before they started paying Josh Holloway by the insult.

JACK: Hey! Give it a break.

SAWYER: Whatever you say, doc. You're the hero.

CAPTION: That's Jack, all right. He's the hero of the show. He never does anything unheroic. Never.

BOONE: You guys found the cockpit? [Jack nods] Any survivors?

JACK: No.

CAPTION: I'll say.

SAYID: [looking at the transceiver] It's dual band, military spec. Chances are, the battery is good, but - the radio is dead.

KATE: Can you fix it?

SAYID: I need some time.

ROSE: [approaching] Doctor, the … man with the shrapnel, I … I think you should take a look at him.

CAPTION: Hey, we almost forgot about him, didn't we? You know, that's kind of interesting that a "hero" like Jack had time to leave his patient gurgling in the seepage from his wounds while he went off gallivanting through the jungle with Kate.

[Shot of Sayid sitting on the beach, opening the transceiver. Hurley enters.]

HURLEY: Tsss. Chain-smoking jackass…

SAYID: Some people have problems.

HURLEY: Tsss. Some people have problems? Us. Him. You're okay. I like you.

SAYID: You're okay, too.

HURLEY: [laughs] Hurley. [He reaches out to shake Sayid's hand, then sees he's busy with the transceiver and puts it down] Uh, just…

SAYID: [reaching to shake hands] Sayid.

HURLEY: How do you know to do all that?

SAYID: I was a military communications officer.

HURLEY: Oh yeah? You ever see battle?

SAYID: I fought in the Gulf War.

HURLEY: No way! I got a buddy who fought over there. He was in the 104th airborne. What were you - Air Force … Army?

SAYID: The Republican Guard.

CAPTION: Oh my. This is a social faux pas. How would Miss Manners handle this one? "I was at a dinner party, and I was speaking to this gentleman who was in the armed forces in the Middle East and may have shot at one of my friends. Should I politely indicate to my host that I will be leaving, or should I excuse myself, go to the bathroom, and make a discreet cell phone call to Homeland Security?"

[Shot of the ocean. Kate is bathing.]

SUN: 실례합니다. 준비 다 됐나 봐요. 당신을 찾아요.

CAPTION: "Get out of here with your perfect body. I'll be eating diet kimchi for a week now because of you."

[Sun points to indicate that Kate is wanted somewhere]

[We see Kate walking to Sayid on the beach, drying her hair.]

KATE: Is it working?

CAPTION: It's tingling. That's how you know it's working. Oh, she meant the transceiver.

SAYID: Seems to be. Except we're not picking up a signal.

KATE: Why do we need to pick up a signal? Aren't we trying to send one?

SAYID: Yes, but what you want to see here is little bars. The bars would show the radio is getting reception.

CAPTION: The transceiver is apparently AT&T. Other transceiver companies wouldn't be getting bars on an isolated island, but with AT&T you get more bars, more places...

KATE: We need the bars.

SAYID: We could broadcast blind … Hope that someone—maybe a ship somewhere—picks up our distress call. But that could be a waste of the battery, which might not last that long. There is one thing we could try…

KATE: What?

SAYID: Seeing if we can get a signal from high ground.

KATE: How high?

[Sayid looks up. Camera pans high up the mountain.]

CAPTION: Rocky mountain high. Hey, wouldn't it be cool if the Monster was really John Denver? (Perhaps that would make the Monster seem just a little bit too evil, though.)

[Shot of Marshal Mars with shrapnel, Jack is working on him. Suddenly Kate is there, and Jack seems surprised.]

KATE: How is he? Can you do anything?

JACK: Pull out the shrapnel.

KATE: But you said yesterday that if you took it out…

JACK: I know. But that was yesterday. I was hoping he'd be at a hospital by now. If I leave him like this, he'll be dead within a day. If I open him up … if I can control the bleeding and if he doesn't go into sepsis and if I can find some antibiotics … he might be all right.

KATE: I'm going on a hike.

CAPTION: How odd. Kate wants to go on a hike instead of staying around to help the Marshal. Oh, and incidentally, this means Kate is volunteering to go on another mission with someone. THREE. We'll keep counting as the show goes on.

JACK: Sorry?

KATE: Sayid fixed the transceiver, but we can't use it. Not from here.

JACK: Kate, wait a minute.

KATE: You're the one who said that we had to send out a signal.

CAPTION: He's also the one that said leave the shrapnel in. Face it, Jack just changes his mind a lot. Mr. Indecisive.

JACK: Look, you saw what that thing did to the pilot.

KATE: Yeah, I did. What makes you think we're any safer here than we are in the jungle?

JACK: Wait for me. I don't know how long this will be … [he look at Marshal Mars.]

KATE: Sayid said the batteries won't last.

JACK: All right. If you see, or hear, anything … Anything. Run.

CAPTION: "Especially if it's Charlie's band."

Act 4

[We see Sun and Jin at the beach. Jin is cutting up the urchin. Sun reaches for a piece and he slaps her hand. He takes off with a tray of it. She looks disgusted and undoes her top button.]

[Shot of Jin offering urchin to Hurley.]

HURLEY: What's that? What, that? Eat that? [laughs] Dude. Dude. I'm … starving … But, I'm nowhere near that hungry. [laughs] No. No. No, thank you! No way, no. [laughs]

CAPTION: Now, if it were from "Mr. Cluck's Urchin Shack", breaded with herbs and spices and a side of cole slaw, Hurley might be interested.

[Shot of comic book with polar bear. Comic book is in Spanish.]

MICHAEL: The comic's in Spanish. You … read Spanish?

WALT: No. I found it.

CAPTION: First the handcuffs, now it turns out Walt is into "Latino bears".

MICHAEL: Tell you what: We get home … I get you another dog.

CAPTION: That's right, Michael. Denial is the first stage.

[Walt walks away. Shot of Charlie getting his drugs out. Then we see Hurley on the beach, Jack comes up.]

JACK: Hey! I need your help.

HURLEY: Okay.

JACK: I need you to help me go through the luggage. I need any kind of prescription medications you can find. Especially drugs that end in -mycin and -cillin. Those are antibiotics.

CAPTION: "Or, if you find any that say Vicodin, I need those, too."

HURLEY: What's this for?

CAPTION: "Well, Hurley, after my self-indulgent romp through the jungle with Kate, I thought I might play at being a doctor for a while."

[Shot of Charlie doing drugs. Then of Shannon almost crying. Boone comes up.]

BOONE: What are you doing?

SHANNON: I think I was mean to him.

CAPTION: This just in to the news desk - Shannon was mean to someone.

BOONE: What?

SHANNON: Isn't that the guy from the gate? He wouldn't let us have our seats in first class. He saved our lives.

BOONE: Come on, Shannon, we're trying to clear some of the wreckage. You should help out. You're just being worthless over here.

CAPTION: "Instead, come over and be worthless while helping us."

SHANNON: I'm being what?

BOONE: What do you want me to say? You're sitting on your ass staring at bodies.

SHANNON: I've just been through a trauma here, okay?

BOONE: We've all been through a trauma. The only difference is, since the crash, you've actually given yourself a pedicure.

CAPTION: This is totally unfair to Shannon. It is really quite difficult to find just the right shade of nail polish to match the fiery charred remains of an airplane's fuselage. She had to mix cherry red with a really dark shade of brown to get the tones just right. It took hours. Boone is so insensitive.

SHANNON: You know what? It is so easy to make fun of me, and you're good at it. I get it.

BOONE: I wish I didn't have to waste my time making fun of you. I wish I didn't have a reason. Yeah, it is easy, Shannon.

SHANNON: Screw you, you do not have the slightest idea what I am thinking.

BOONE: I have a much better idea than you think I do.

SHANNON: No, you don't!

BOONE: Okay, Shannon. Then what are you thinking?

CAPTION: Interior shot of Shannon's brain - we pan in on a hamster running on a squeaky wheel.

[Shannon sees Kate and Sayid preparing to leave.]

SHANNON: I'm going with them. On the hike.

BOONE: Yeah?

SHANNON: Yup. I'm going.

BOONE: No, you're not, Shannon. Shannon!

CAPTION: They do have minds of their own, don't they? This is why sisters make the worst girlfriends.

SHANNON: [approaching Kate and Sayid] I'd like to come with you.

BOONE: She's not going. She doesn't want to go.

SHANNON: The hell I'm not.

BOONE: It's what she does. She postures.

CAPTION: Many men are quite complimentary about her posture, in fact.

SHANNON: You don't know what the hell I do!

BOONE: Makes really bad decisions to upset her family, which, at the moment, is me.

SHANNON: Shut up, and stop trying to be charming.

CAPTION: Oh, there's advice that needed to be given.

SHANNON: [to Kate and Sayid] I'm coming with you.

KATE: I don't … know if that's such a good idea.

SHANNON: What are you? Two years older than me? Please. [to Charlie who has entered] You're going, aren't you?

CHARLIE: Yeah, are you?

SHANNON: Yup.

CHARLIE: Yeah, I'm definitely going.

CAPTION: So here's the mental evaluation Charlie is making: "Monster. Hot girl in miniskirt. Monster. Hot girl in miniskirt."

KATE: Look, everybody can come. But we're leaving now.

CAPTION: It's about time - if anyone else volunteered, I would expect it would be Mickey Rooney, and it wouldn't be long before someone said "Hey, kids, let's put on a show!"

CHARLIE: [to Shannon] You couldn't tell from that, but she's actually really nice.

CAPTION: "For now, I'm interested in this bird, but best not to burn my bridges with the other one."

[Shot of Sawyer smoking, reading his letter. He sees the others walking off.]

[We see the "hikers" in the jungle and Sawyer is closing up to them.]

KATE: You decided to join us.

SAWYER: I'm a complex guy, sweetheart.

CAPTION: Sawyer's real name is James Ford. He assumed this name after a con man was responsible for the death of his parents. The name is, in fact, the name of that con man. So yeah, you could say he's a guy and he has some complexes. He's a complex guy.

[Shot of them making their way up a steep mountain.]

[Shot of Michael on the beach where Walt left him. Jack comes into the frame and opens a make-up type bag, looking for something.]

MICHAEL: What you're looking for?

JACK: Some sort of blade. How's your son?

CAPTION: Some sort of a blade, and how's your son? Everything else on this show causes Michael potential or real paternal Angst, but he lets this comment fly by?

MICHAEL: Walt? Yeah, I think he'll be all right.

JACK: How old is he?

MICHAEL: Nine … Ten—Ten. Walt's more worried about his dog than anything. The dog was on the plane, so … Kids, you know.

JACK: Is it a Lab?

MICHAEL: Yeah.

CAPTION: "He's 50% pointer. He's 50% setter. But mostly he's all Labrador Retriever. Oh, and he also sees dead people."

JACK: Yeah? I saw him yesterday, in the jungle.

MICHAEL: What? Where?

JACK: Over there. Couple hundred yards in or so. He looked good.

[Jack finds a straight-edge razor. Shot of Locke with the Backgammon pieces. Walt approaches, curious.]

WALT: What is it, like checkers?

CAPTION: "Like checkers for nerds, yes."

LOCKE: Not really, it's a better game than … checkers. You play checkers with your Pop?

WALT: No. I live in Australia with my mom.

LOCKE: You have no accent.

WALT: Yeah, I know. We move a lot. She got sick. She died a couple of weeks ago.

LOCKE: You're having a bad month.

WALT: I guess.

CAPTION: "What are you talking about? I got to crash on an island and play board games with a freaky bald-headed guy with an orange smile? This month totally rocks!"

LOCKE: Backgammon is the oldest game in the world. Archeologists found sets when they excavated the ruins of ancient Mesopotamia. Five thousand years old. That's older than Jesus Christ.

CAPTION: Proof that nerds predate the Messiah.

WALT: Did they have dice and stuff?

LOCKE: [nods] Mhhm. But theirs weren't made of plastic. Their dice were made of bones

WALT: Cool.

LOCKE: Two players. Two sides. One is light … one is dark—Walt. Do you want to know a secret?

CAPTION: One white and one black stone. How very interesting. And unique. I bet we never see anything like that on the show again.

[Shot of Claire writing in her diary. Jin approaches and offers her some urchin. She shakes her head, but then gives in and takes some.]

CLAIRE: No. Tha- thank you. No, it's okay. [Jin keeps insisting] Not really. Okay. Thanks.

[She eats some and then feels her baby move. She jumps up and makes Jin touch her belly.]

CAPTION: The baby is going "Holy crap, did I just eat urchin?!?!"

CLAIRE: Oh, gosh. I just felt it. I ju … Come here, feel this. Please. [Jin resists, but Claire keeps insisting]. Please. Please. Do you feel that? There! Right there, that's a kick! There! There, right there's a foot! Oh no, he's, wait, he's moving around. "He". "He". I guess I think you're a "he".

CAPTION: Actually, Aaron is a girl. It's not well-known that some species of urchin cause secondary sex characteristics to emerge in fetuses. This is a big reveal planned for Season Six.

[Shot of group in jungle.]

SAWYER: Okay! Wide open space! You should check the radio, see if we're good.

SAYID: We're not going to have any reception here.

SAWYER: Just try it.

SAYID: I don't want to waste the batteries.

SAWYER: I'm not asking you to keep it on all day.

SAYID: We're still blocked by the mountain.

SAWYER: Just check the damn radio!

CAPTION: Sawyer gets a little on edge whenever he misses Howard Stern.

SAYID: If I just check … we might not have any juice left when we get to…

[They all turn toward a sound they hear. Sounds of growling, movement.]

SHANNON: My god.

BOONE: What the hell's that?

KATE: Something's coming.

CHARLIE: It's coming towards us, I think.

KATE: Come on, let's move.

[They all start running off.]

SHANNON: I shouldn't have come. Aah!

CAPTION: "I should have left the rest of you to be eaten by that thing. Especially Boone."

SAYID: Go! Go!

[Shot of them running, but Sawyer stands and faces the bear.]

KATE: [turning to go back] Sawyer!

SAYID: [grabbing Kate] Let him go!

[Sawyer pulls out a gun and shoots. The bear drops just as it almost gets to Sawyer.]

SHANNON: That's … that's a big bear.

BOONE: You think that's what killed the pilot?

CAPTION: Either that, or too many strange plot devices.

[Kate looks at Charlie.]

CHARLIE: No. No, that's a tiny, teeny version compared to that.

KATE: Guys, this isn't just a … bear. That's a polar bear.

CAPTION: Okay, here's what happened. Someone bit into the center of a York Peppermint Patty and it gave them the feeling of being in the middle of an icy Arctic tundra...

Act 5

[Shot of Jack and Hurley with Marshal Mars getting ready to take out the shrapnel.]

HURLEY: You sure he's out?

JACK: He's out.

HURLEY: How do you know he won't wake up when you yank that thing out?

JACK: I don't.

HURLEY: Hey, guy, are you awake? Yo, there's a rescue plane! We're saved! Yaaay! [Marshal Mars doesn't react at all.] Yeah, he's out. So—what do you want me…

JACK: Look, it's unlikely that he'll regain consciousness. But the pain might bring him around. And if it does, I need you to hold him down.

HURLEY: Uh … I'm not so good around blood, man.

JACK: Then don't look.

HURLEY: Yeah. But … I'm not so good around blood.

JACK: Just do the best you can. Okay? Don't look.

HURLEY: Okay [looks like he's praying or something, mumbling something to himself].

[Jack pulls the shrapnel out.]

HURLEY: Dude.

JACK: Hand me those strips.

HURLEY: Dude.

JACK: Just hand me the strips, I need to get this bleeding stopped.

HURLEY: I don't think I can.

JACK: Oh.

CAPTION: An island with Sexy Blue Striped Shirt Girl on it, and Jack picks Hurley to be his nurse? What's up with that?

HURLEY: "Oh" what? What, what's going on, something in there? [Hurley looks down]

JACK: The strips. Just hand me the strips. Give it to me. [Hurley looks sick.] Don't even think about it, Hurley. Don't even think a … Hurley! Hey! [Hurley passes out on the Marshal] Damn it!

CAPTION: If the angle had been different, Hurley falling on the Marshal might have been the most humane form of euthanasia available.

[Shot of the group in the jungle.]

BOONE: That can't be a polar bear.

SAYID and KATE: [at the same time] It's a polar bear.

SHANNON: Yeah, but … Polar bears don't usually live in the jungle.

CHARLIE: Spot on.

SAYID: No, polar bears don't live near this far south.

BOONE: This one does.

SAWYER: Did. It did.

KATE: [to Sawyer] Where did that come from?

SAWYER: Probably Bear Village. How the hell do I know?

CAPTION: In truth, the bear came from Scranton-Wilkes Bearey. If they searched further, they would have found his Pennsylvania driver's license and an insurance card with directions on how to contact his HMO.

KATE: Not the bear. The gun.

SAWYER: I got if off one of the bodies.

SAYID: One of the bodies.

SAWYER: Yeah, one of the bodies.

SHANNON: People don't carry guns on planes.

SAWYER: They do if they're a US Marshal, sweet cheeks. There was one on the plane.

KATE: How do you know that?

SAWYER: I saw a guy lying there with an ankle holster, so I took the gun. I thought it might come in handy. Guess what? I just shot a bear.

KATE: So why do you think he's a Marshal?

SAWYER: Because he had a clip-on badge. [Sawyer holds up a badge] I took that too. Thought it was cool.

SAYID: I know who you are. You're the prisoner.

SAWYER: I'm the what?

SAYID: You found a gun on a US Marshal. Yes, I believe you did. You knew where it was, because you were the one he was bringing back to the States. Those handcuffs were on you. That's how you knew there was a gun.

CAPTION: Let's take a moment, while this dialogue is going on, to note the nearby stream with lots of herring fish in it. Those herrings all have a distinctive hue, wouldn't you say? A particular shade of red. Yes, due to the proximity of this stream, this show has many, many red herrings. That's very interesting. Okay, enough with that, let's get back to the dialogue.

SAWYER: Piss off.

SAYID: That's who you are, you son of a bitch.

SAWYER: Be as suspicious of me as I am of you.

SAYID: But you are the prisoner.

SAWYER: Fine! I'm the criminal. You're the terrorist. We can all play a part. [to Shannon] Who do you want to be?

CAPTION: Shannon should be the movie star, Boone could be the professor and Kate is a shoo-in for Mary Anne.

[As Sawyer turns, Kate grabs the gun and points it at him.]

KATE: Does anybody know how to use a gun?

CAPTION: I couldn't help but notice again that the herrings are plentiful in that stream. Look, there's another red herring jumping out at us! It did that just as Kate enquired whether anyone knew how to use a gun, because obviously she does not know how to use a gun. Okay, again, sorry to interrupt. Back to the story.

CHARLIE: I think you just pull the trigger.

SAYID: Don't use the gun.

KATE: I want to take it apart.

CHARLIE: Oh.

SAYID: There's a button on the grip. Push that, it will eject the magazine. [Kate follows Sayid's instructions.] There's still a round in the chamber. Hold the grip, pull the top part of the gun.

[Kate follows Sayid's instructions and gives the magazine to Sayid and the gun to Sawyer.]

SAWYER: [grabbing Kate's arm] I know your type.

KATE: I'm not so sure.

SAWYER: Yeah. I've been with girls like you.

CAPTION: Sawyer hates it when a girl won't let his gun go off.

KATE: No girl's exactly like me.

[Kate walks off a ways and then we get a FLASHBACK].

[Shot of Kate on the plane.]

MICHELLE: Can I get you a refill?

KATE: No, I'm … I'm fine with this, thank you.

MICHELLE: You, sir? Can I get you anything? Cocktail? Soda?

CAPTION: "A cake with a file in it?"

MARSHAL: Just coffee, sweetheart. Black.

MICHELLE: [looking disgusted] Coffee. Sure.

CAPTION: It's understandable the flight attendant would be disgusted. Have you ever had airline coffee?

MARSHAL: You look worried. I'd be worried too, I was you. But you've got to stay positive, kiddo. You know, there's always that off chance that they'll believe your story. I know I sure do.

CAPTION: We'll find out later that this story actually involves a one-armed man. You all remember how many people believed Richard Kimball when he told his one-armed man story.

KATE: I don't care what you believe.

MARSHAL: Oh, I know. That's true. That has always been true. You sure you don't want some more juice?

KATE: Yeah, I'm sure.

[Shot of Kate with hands cuffed. Then the turbulence starts to happen.]

CINDY: [on the intercom] Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has switched on the "fasten seatbelt" sign. Please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts.

KATE: I have one favor to ask.

MARSHAL: Really? This ought to be good.

CAPTION: Kate's favor was "Could you not order the beans?" Later, she'll change her story to some crazy nonsense about a guy named Ray Mullen, though.

MARSHAL: What…

[The turbulence causes the big drop with a woman hitting the ceiling. A big black/silver case hits the Marshal on the head. He passes out. The masks come down and Kate can't reach because of the handcuffs. She gets the key from the Marshal's pocket and unlocks the handcuffs. She puts her mask on and then puts a mask on the Marshal. The back of the plane rips off. Cut back to the group standing on the hill.]

SAYID: We should keep moving.

[Shot of Jack with the Marshal. The Marshal wakes up and grabs Jack's shirt.]

JACK: No. No.

MARSHAL: Where is she?

JACK: Who?

CAPTION: Disturbingly, this is the third person thus far who has been revived from near death without coughing up water or blood. This could set a dangerous precedent.

[Shot of Kate walking with the group. Sayid getting the transceiver out.]

SAWYER: Oh! Now's a good time to check the radio! Not before.. but now!

SAYID: We're up higher.

SAWYER: Yes, we are!

SAYID: Bar. Hey! We've got a bar! Mayday! Mayday! [we hear feedback]

KATE: What is that?

SAYID: Feedback.

KATE: Feedback from what? What would do that?

SAYID: I don't know.

SAWYER: I'll tell you what would do that. This guy not fixing the radio. This thing doesn't even work.

CAPTION: But wait...if Sayid isn't fixing the radio, then that's...oh, that's what he means. Sorry. Do go on.

SAYID: No. No, no, no, no, it's not broken. We can't transmit because something else is already transmitting.

CHARLIE: Transmitting from where?

CAPTION: WPBS in New York City. South Pacific translator station. It's an episode of The French Chef with Julia Child. Yes, the show isn't actually on any more, but they air a lot of weird stuff during Pledge Week.

SHANNON: What?

SAYID: Somewhere close. The signal's strong.

CHARLIE: Somewhere close? You mean on the island? That's great!

BOONE: Maybe it's other survivors.

SHANNON: From our plane? How would they even—

SAWYER: What kind of transmission is it?

SAYID: Could be a sat phone, maybe a radio signal…

CAPTION: It could be a phone volunteer explaining to you how supporting public television makes you a valued part of your community, and plus, you get a free tote bag.

KATE: Can we listen to it?

SAYID: Let me get the frequency first. Hold on.

SAWYER: There's no transmission.

KATE: Shut up.

CHARLIE: The rescue party. It has to be. [They hear the transmission]. It's French! The French are coming! I've never been so happy to hear the French!

CAPTION: Charlie is apparently unaware that, after 9-11, we now call them the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys.

KATE: I never took French. What does she say?

SAYID: D-Does anybody speak French?

BOONE: She does.

SHANNON: No, I don't. What?

BOONE: What the hell are you talking about? You spent a year in Paris!

SHANNON: Drinking, not studying!

CAPTION: Drinking, and, as we'll find out later, also taking care of young children. If you're looking for a caretaker for your precious children, you couldn't do much better than a college student on the sauce, could you?

[We hear a male voice from the radio.]

RADIO: Iteration 7294531.

CHARLIE: Okay. What's that?

SAYID: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

KATE: "No, no, no" what?

SHANNON: What "no"?

SAYID: The-the batteries are dying!

KATE: How much time do we have?

SAYID: Not much.

BOONE: I've heard you speak French! Just listen to this! Listen to it!

SHANNON: I can't!

SAWYER: You speak French or not? Because that would be nice.

RADIO: Iteration 17294532.

CHARLIE: That voice is weird. What is that?

BOONE: Come on. Come on, Shannon!

KATE: Come on!

SAYID: [moving his lips silently] Come on!

[We can hear some of the transmission: Il est dehors.]

SHANNON: It's … it's repeating.

SAYID: She's right.

BOONE: What?

SAYID: It's a loop. "Iteration"—it's repeating the same message. It's a counter. The next number will end … "533".

RADIO: Iteration 17294533.

CAPTION: How did he DO that?!?!

SAWYER: Does anyone know what the hell he's talking about?

SAYID: It's a running count of the number of times the message has repeated. It's roughly thirty seconds long, so … how long … [we see him trying to figure it out in his head].

SAWYER: Don't forget to carry the one, chief.

RADIO: Iteration 17294534.

SHANNON: She's saying … "Please". She's saying, "Please help me. Please, come get me."

SAWYER: Or she's not! You don't even speak French!

CAPTION: It was either "please help me" or "the cauliflower is in my left sock molding". One of those.

KATE: Let her listen!

BOONE: Shut up, man!

CHARLIE: Guys, the battery. The battery.

RADIO: Iteration 17294535.

SHANNON: [translating] I'm alone now. Uhm … On the island alone. Please, someone come. The others, they're … they're dead. I-it killed them. I-it killed them all.

CAPTION: "Or it could be 'I'm a walnut. In a rectangular orb. Smile or I'll bring back the eels. The spaghetti is quintessentially frugal. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.'"

BOONE: That was good.

SAYID: Sixteen years.

CAPTION: And whaddaya get?

SAWYER: What?

SAYID: Sixteen years. And five months. That's the count.

CAPTION: Sayid's brain was made by Hewlett-Packard. He still has the warranty papers. Honestly, he did that math in his head? Was he ever on That's Incredible when he was a kid?

BOONE: What the hell are you talking about?

SAYID: The iterations. It's a distress call. A plea for help. A mayday. If the count is right … It's been playing over … and over … for sixteen years.

BOONE: Someone else? Was stranded here?

KATE: Maybe they came for them.

CAPTION: The person who made that recording is a Frenchwoman named Danielle Rousseau, and frankly, some people should come for her. Ideally, they should be wearing white coats.

SAWYER: If someone came, why is it still playing?

CHARLIE: Guys. Where are we?

CAPTION: As Charlie ends yet another episode with an annoying question, we bid, you, the audience, a fond adieu until next episode. By the way, on that episode, Shannon will translate adieu as "rabbit intestines".

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