Lost Noir: Chap. Twenty-Five "Steam Punk Princess"

A purple Vespa putted along the desert highway. The scooter was being driven by a young, pretty girl, wearing a long white lace frilled dress with a brown leather corset-like vest. Knee high black leather boots matched her black leather gloves. She wore round aviator goggles over her eyes and a black stove top hat on her head. Her long purple and green streaked hair flowed back behind her, as she rode through the cool evening desert air. She looked like the perfect Steam Punk Princess.

Lysergic Oldham was headed back to the Apollo Candy Company’s remote corporate headquarters after “visiting” the now late Professor Brian Hibbs. She sang to herself some old TV theme song to an ancient TV show she couldn’t remember ever seeing.


As she sang, she glanced up into the clear star filled night, just in time to see a long fiery streak of a fireball, as it fell from the sky. It reminded Lysergic of a time in her life not that long ago. It was not a pleasant memory.

She remembered that one evening, when she was fourteen, riding her bike past Joey Duckett’s house. He and some of his friends were hanging around outside. Lysergic knew Joey and his pals from high school, though they were a couple of years older and had dropped out during their junior year. Now they just spent their time partying and getting drunk.

“Hey, Lysergie!!!” Joey called out, “my dog had pups last night. Would you like to come in back and see the puppies?!”

“Puppies?! Okay!” Lysergic had innocently replied, as she parked her bike and followed the boys into the backyard. She soon discovered their were no puppies to be seen.

The next thing she could remember was Joey and his friends pinning her down on the ground and each taking turns.

She fought hard at first, scratching and clawing her share of skin off Joey and his friend’s faces. But Joey had slugged her twice, stunning her, so she just stared into the air and saw a fireball streak across the darkening sky.

Lysergic took it as a sign that it would soon all be over. Soon it was. Joey had threatened her to never tell anyone what had just happened or he would kill her.

So Lysergic said nothing to her parents after she had arrived back home. Her parents were usually too stoned to react if she had told them anyway.

Her father, Kim Oldham, was the son of a Chemist. He had been abandoned as a child, when his own father up and left one day to join a cult that was trying to build a Utopia on some island somewhere in the South Pacific. He never heard from his father again.

Kim had met Lysergic’s mother, Lizzie, while they were members of a cult in Humboldt County, California. But they had to flee when it was raided by the FBI to confiscate the crops of marijuana the cult secretly had been growing.

Kim and Lizzie ended up near Portland, Oregon, running a sweat lodge camp. It was heady times back then, as they meditated, smoked, snorted, and shot up any drug they conceivably felt would give them comfort, joy, and the expansion of minds.

In fact, just before Lysergic was born in a steaming sweat lodge, Lizzie had popped a tab of acid, just to see what it would be like to trip out while giving birth. It was how Lysergic got her name.

Lizzie had named her daughter, Lysergic Diethyamide, after the LSD she had ingested during Lysergic’s birth.

So Lysergic Diethyamide Oldham had been around drugs all her young life. Getting a “contact high” while her parents smoked weed. Sneaking a tab of diluted acid and seeing “all the pretty colors’ when she was ten. Going on a full blown “mind trip”, when she was twelve and entering “another dimension” where she could write in the sky with her fingers!

But it wasn’t until a year later, while helping clean out a closet at home, that she had discovered some of her grandfather’s chemistry books and notes. Lysergic became fascinated with her grandfather’s concoctions of various types of serums that could not only be used to control one’s own mind but to be able to manipulate and control other’s minds as well.

So Lysergic read and studied her grandfather’s books and notes. She expanded her own knowledge by studying more books and articles at the library and over the fiber net. She wanted a chemistry set for Christmas, so her parents had provided her with one. She immediately went to work experimenting and creating various forms of psycho tropic drugs.

She would steal her parent’s credit card and use it to order elements over the net that, in turn, she would use to create those psycho tropics. Sometimes she would just help herself to any leftover substances that her parents had somehow missed ingesting and use them for her formulations.

Some of the concoctions she experimented with on herself. Carefully taking notes before, during (if she were able) and after her “trips”, to record the results and make adjustments to the formulas.

Other concoctions she would slip to her father and/or mother to watch their reactions. But since they had ingested so much stuff over the years, most of the time they hardly ever reacted at all.

So some time after the “incident” with Joey Duckett and his friends, Lysergic decided it was time to seek out some new test subjects for further experimentation.

The next day she rode her bike over to Joey Duckett’s house. As she suspected, he and his friends were sitting outside on a porch drinking some beers.

“Hey, its little miss Lysergie!” Joey called out, “why don’t you stop and visit a spell? Its been quite awhile since I last seen ya!”

“Yeah, its been quite awhile for us too!” both of Joey’s friends guffawed, who also had been there that fateful evening.

To their surprise, Lysergic stopped.

“You guys look like you’re ready to party!!” she said.

“WOO!!! WOO!!! BABY!!” Joey replied, “come on around in the back. I think you know the way!!”

The boys all laughed and followed Lysergic, as she headed towards the fenced in backyard.

She stopped, as Joey and his two friends surrounded her.

“You going to volunteer this time or do we have to “persuade” you again?” Joey sneered.

“No persuasion needed!” Lysergic replied.

“All right!!” the boys all chortled.

Suddenly, Lysergic pulled out two very large hypodermic needles from her jeans pockets, and injected the boy to her right with one syringe, then quickly turned and injected the boy to her left with the other.

“What are you doing, you crazy Bitch!!” both boys cried out, as they pulled the syringes from their arms.

Joey was confused and just stood there as Lysergic suddenly kicked him in the groin! He dropped to the ground screeching in pain! She took a pill from another pocket and forced Joey to swallow it. She then stood back.

A glazed look quickly came over the face of the first boy, as the drugs Lysergic had injected into him started to take affect.

“GET THESE DAMN TREE FROGS OFF MY BACK!!!” he suddenly screamed, as he took off running down the middle of the street and on into a busy intersection, where he was decapitated by a speeding bus!

The second boy, with a goofy smile on his face, walked over to where Joey’s father kept some stacked firewood and picked up a piece of wood and beat himself repeatedly until his head and face were a bloody pulp. He died later at the hospital.

As for Joey, he sat on the ground, too numb to feel the pain anymore from his groin.

“Joey?” Lysergic softly said.

Joey glanced up.

“If you really loved me, you’d know what I want you to do for me, wouldn’t you?” Lysergic asked.

Joey smiled and nodded. He stood up and walked over to the porch, where his parents kept a charcoal grill, matches, and a can of lighter fluid. Joey took the lighter fluid and sprayed it all over himself. Then taking the matches, he lit himself on fire. Joey stood real still, as the flames began to consume him.

“Oh, Joey!” Lysergic cooed, “you do love me!!”

Joey turned and smiled at Lysergic, as half his face began to melt! He then collapsed, as the flames continued to burn, blister, and evaporate the skin right off his bones!

Lysergic took a couple of firewood logs and tossed them on top of Joey’s toasted corpse just to keep the fire burning.

“The flames look so pretty!!” she said to herself.

Lysergic then retrieved her bike and rode on home. Upon arriving, she immediately packed, took some money from her dad’s wallet and her mother’s purse and called a cab. She thought about telling her parents what had just happened and that she was leaving before the authorities came around. But decided not to, after she discovered both her parents passed out on the couch. They were coming down from another one of their constant highs. So, at fifteen years of age, Lysergic left home.

As the cab pulled away, she glanced back one last time and giggled. She figured her parents were in for one final surprise after the police came around looking for her and instead would discover her parent’s stash!

Back on the desert road, Lysergic approached the front gate to the Apollo Candy Company facilities. She stopped and punched in the code to temporarily disable the Electro-Magnetic Field, then rode her scooter on in.

She smiled once more at the memory of Joey and his friends but she quickly remembered she still had a lot experimentation left to do with the subject now being held inside the Apollo Candy lab. Which also reminded Lysergic of a song her parents used to sing to her as a little girl. It was an old song by some ancient rock group called Steppenwolf.

As she approached the main building, she started to sing that song.


Next: Chap. Twenty-Six “The Other Side of the Plexiglas”

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