“‘How would you like to save the world?’ they asked…so I joined The DHARMA Iniative!”-- Kelvin Inman

“This place is beginning to smell like a bar!” Stuart Radzinsky said. “Well, if you don’t like it, why don’t you go outside?” Kelvin Inman replied, as he chugged down a pint of MacCuthcheon whiskey, “preferably without your contamination suit!” “Yeah, you’d like that wouldn’t you?” Radzinsky replied. Inman threw the now empty bottle across the room, aiming for a trash receptacle. He missed! The bottle broke into a thousand pieces! “I’m not cleaning that up!” Radzinsky said. “Don’t worry about it, Stuart,” Inman said, “I’ll clean it up, you just keep on working on your invisible writing! God knows I would never want to interrupt such an important piece of work!”

“This may prove to be very important,” Radzinsky said, as he continued drawing on one of the Swan station’s blast doors. “Answer me one more time Radzinsky,” Inman asked, “just what the hell are you doing?!” “I’m drawing a map,” Radzinsky irritatingly replied, “of some probable underground tunnels to the other Dharma stations.” “And again,” Inman irritatingly said, “what the hell for??!!” “Because, Inman,” Radzinsky explained, “we may be able to contact someone at the other stations.” Inman laughed out loud, “Contact someone??!! Who??!! There ain’t no one else left to contact, Stu! This is all a joke! A Dharma prank! Whoever was left over from Dharma split long ago! Hell, they’re probably all in Hawaii drinking and partying! Laughing their asses off about the two idiots they left behind! Those two idiots, of course, being you and me!!”

“They wouldn’t leave,” Radzinsky said, “they wouldn’t risk exposure to the virus!” “Virus?!” Inman chuckled, “I’ve got news for you Stuie boy, there ain’t no virus! Everyone knew that, so they left!” “You don’t know that!” Radzinsky replied. “As a matter of fact I do!” Inman said, as he wandered over to the fridge and took out a can of Dharma beer. “And how do you know that?!” Radzinsky asked, stopping his drawing. “Because one time, when it was my turn to pick up the supplies from the drop, I took off my contamination suit, took a deep breath of fresh island air, and wandered around.” Inman chugged the beer and tossed the empty can at the trash receptacle. He missed!

“You had better be joking, Kelvin!” Radzinsky nervously said. “Now why would I joke about something like that, Stu?” Inman mockingly asked. Radzinsky was getting more nervous, “because if you did remove your suit, you’ve killed us both!” “Aw, bull,” Inman replied, “Relax, Stu! Go get yourself a beer or something!” Radzinsky suddenly bolted out of the room and headed to the storage closet. “Where you goin’, Radzinsky?” Inman called out. Radzinsky returned with a shotgun and aimed it straight at Inman! “Whoa!” Inman said, “you better be planning to go topside and hunt boar with that!” Radzinsky held the shotgun steady.

“You fool,” Radzinsky started, “you’ve exposed us both. We’re dead men! And when we’re gone, whose gonna push the button, huh? You’ve not only killed us both but you’ve killed the world!” “Relax, Stuart,” Inman soothingly said, “all that happened weeks ago. Don’t you think that if there were a virus, we’d been sick or dead by now?” “Depends upon the virus,” Radzinsky replied, “maybe it has a long incubation period!” “And maybe it doesn’t even exist!” Inman said, “now, Stu, put the gun down, okay? Go back to work on your invisible map of some invisible tunnels, okay? I’m not in the mood for anymore of your nonsense!”

Inman started to head into the bunk room but Radzinsky stepped in front of him and held both shotgun barrels to Inman’s forehead. “Stuart, for God’s sake,” Inman said, “lower your weapon or so help me!” “So help you what?” Radzinsky said smiling. “This!” Inman said, as he quickly grabbed the shotgun and wrestled it from Radzinsky’s arms, knocking him down onto the couch! Inman then placed the shotgun barrels directly under Radzinsky’s chin!

“Stuart,” Inman began, “I stand corrected. Maybe there is a virus. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for you acting so squirrelly! So I’m now going to enable Protocol 4. You know about Protocol 4, don’t you Stuart? Of course you do. You helped write it didn’t you?” Radzinsky nervously nodded. Inman then cocked both of the shotgun’s triggers. “Kelvin?” Radzinsky anxiously said, “promise me one thing.” Inman smiled, “And what is that?” “Whatever happens,” Radzinsky answered, “just keep pressing the button!” Inman then pulled both triggers, splattering Radzinsky’s brains all over the ceiling. “Yeah, Stuart,“ he said, “I can do that!” The End. Next Story: “Destiny Awaiting”

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