Le Fem Lysergic: Chap. Eight "Lesson Number One"

The police interrogation room was cold. Lysergic Oldham shivered, as she waited. She passed the time, singing a song she remembered she had heard somewhere, sometime, long, long ago. Probably as a child, inside the box.


Suddenly, the door to the interrogation room bolted open and in walked a man and woman. Both looked serious.

“Ms. Oldham, I’m Detective Fred Mars and this is Dr. Chandley Price. She is a Psychiatrist for the state and is going to set in with us as an observer, if that’s okay with you!”

“Whatever floats your boat!” Lysergic replied.

Detective Mars and Dr. Price sat down opposite Lysergic at the table. Mars had some formal looking documents in his hands. He glanced through them, just before he spoke.

“Ms. Oldham, you are being charged with the killing of the six found dead out at Paik Industrial Park, where you were caught, and the five deaths discovered at Linus’s Drug Store out in Slab Ville section. You are also a suspect in the death of a young man discovered dead out at the Rutherford Street bridge several weeks ago, as well as a young drifter found dead in a box out in a back alley not far from the Drug store.

Also, a background check shows you are a suspect in the deaths of three young men, several years ago, in your hometown of Portland, Oregon.* Before you say anything, do you waive your right to an attorney?”

“I’m waiting for my attorney to show up!” Lysergic replied.

“Whose your attorney?” Mars asked, suspiciously.

“Perry Mason!” Lysergic replied.

“Uh, Ms. Oldham,” Mars said, “Perry Mason is an old time fictional television character. He doesn’t really exist!”

Lysergic frowned, “Really? Well, he’s a very good attorney! You sure he's not real?!”

“Yes, I'm very sure. So, you waive your rights?” Mars asked again.

“On the advice of my new attorney,” Lysergic grinned, “I do!”

“Your new attorney?!” Mars wearily wondered, “and who might that now be?”

“Me!” Lysergic answered, “I’m representing myself!”

“Okay,” Mars replied, glancing over to Dr. Price, who was taking notes.

“Well, then,” Detective Mars continued, taking some type of legal document and placing it on the desk in front of Lysergic, “to save us all a lot of time, this form is a typed confession to the previously stated charges. I just need your signature and we can proceed from here!”

Lysergic took the form and looked it over.

“You want me to confess to all these murders?” she said, “even if I didn’t kill all of them?”

“So you do admit you killed some?” Mars asked.

Lysergic slowly stared up at the ceiling of the interrogation room.

“Did you know there are 1,108 dry wall bumps on your ceiling?” Lysergic noted.

“No, I didn’t!” Mars, becoming very impatient, replied.

“Well, now you know!” Lysergic said, smiling, “I had time to count them while I was waiting!”

“Ms. Oldham! The confession form please!” Mars stated, “sign it!” The Detective then handed her a pen.

“You know what I wonder?” Lysergic said.

“No, Ms. Oldham, what do you wonder?” Mars tiredly replied.

“I wonder,” Lysergic began, “if those punks out at the bridge had just kept moving on.

If those Joe Boys hadn’t of come calling at the drug store.

If that punk called Skull hadn’t of hired those Joe Boys to kill me.

If those other Joe Boys at the party hadn’t of made a move.

If Bradley and Annie hadn’t of been so kind and sweet and offered to take me in and give me something I’d never really had before…. a loving family!

If those three boys back in Portland hadn’t of RAPED ME!!!!*

I wonder if all of them hadn’t of done any of that, then maybe they all would still be alive today. Don’t you wonder that too?!”

Lysergic wiped away the tears that now trekked down her face.

“Ms. Oldham,” Mars continued, “the form.”

“Show me where you want me to sign,” Lysergic wearily requested, taking the pen in hand.

“Right on this line,” Mars said, pointing his finger to the bottom of the page.

Lysergic suddenly took the pen and jammed it straight through Detective Mars’s hand!

Mars screamed, as he instantly retracted his hand with the pen still stuck through his palm! Two police officers immediately barged into the interrogation room, grabbed Lysergic, and re-cuffed her!

“DAMN YOU!!! YOU PSYCHO BITCH!!!” Mars yelled, as he pulled the pen out, then wrapped his bloody hand in a handkerchief, “TAKE HER AWAY!!!”

“Lesson number one,” Lysergic said to Detective Mars, as they took her back to the holding cell, “never trust a psycho bitch!!!”

Dr. Chandley Price remained calm and continued to take notes.

In Dr. Price’s final report, she wrote that, in her professional opinion, based upon how horrific the crimes committed had been and of her personal observations, that Lysergic Diethylamide Oldham was not mentally competent to stand trial or understand the charges pending against her, and recommended that Ms. Oldham be declared criminally insane and placed in a mental health facility for further observation and treatment.

The State Sentencing Board, after reviewing Dr. Price’s recommendation, agreed. Lysergic Oldham was then immediately transferred to the Santa Rosa Mental Health Institute.

Next: Chap. Nine “The Auditor”

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