SCENE Jack and Sawyer are at the beach camp sitting on a log in front of a fire at night talking about Kate and who she should be with.
JACK: You remind Kate too much of Wayne. Not sure why, you've never been abusive with a woman, but you're both from the south and wear flannel shirts so maybe that's it.
SAWYER: Well while the writers had you busy in season one saving everyone, every minute. I had a lot of free time to read books, go skinny dipping, and play "never have I've ever" with the chick. Consequently, I wasn't working from sheer exhaustion or pushing myself to stay awake so people wouldn't die if I took a nap. So, I was sharper to make smartass remarks and give out clever nicknames.
JACK: Listen you're a really good guy, Sawyer, you've grown up a lot during the series. When you came to the island you were suicidal having just killed the wrong man. Actually maybe I shouldn't go as far as to call you suicidal but you definitely had a death wish and were distant from everyone after the crash. You wanted people to hate you because you hated yourself. You could have saved yourself from Sayid and me by telling us the truth about Shannon's inhalers but I think you felt you needed to be punished for what happened in Australia. I think Kate is the only one that broke through your exterior and from that she kept you going. She's had a positive effect on you and you do have a lot of more chemistry and sweet moments with her throughout the series. But the writers obviously wanted me, Jack and Kate to be Adam and Eve early on in the series. So what can you do? Kate's mine.
SAWYER: You're a good guy too Jack. There's no denying that. You'll go to battle for everyone on this island and that's a true inspiration of a great man. A man we would all like to become. But come on. You saw me and Kate boning for the first time, right in front of your face, through that camera. Did you see how hot that scene was or the look on her face. How can you ever not see that Jack? You have to see that scene every time you look at Kate. Come on Doc. Seriously.
JACK: Yeah what the hell? That was end of the world, intense, we're going to be executed in the morning, hot, hot, sex. When will Kate and me ever be in a situation like that? We could have a romantic dinner and a date one night but realistically I could never top that moment. Ever. I bowed down at that moment, came up with that crazy rescue plan to get you, my two friends, out of there and leave me behind to my fate with the others. It was for the best, I was really leaving Kate behind. Plus it looked like me and Juliet had great chemistry, better then anything Kate and I actually had. I thought the writers were throwing me a nice romance to build upon. Until of course, you get Juliet.
SAWYER: Yeah the writers really do like me banging different broads. Especially broads that are attracted to you first.
JACK: Seriously, Anna Lucia, Kate, and Juliet. They even let you bang Charlotte in the stupid alternative reality that we don't know about. Hey, are you the guy that was banging my wife Sarah when I was wrongly accusing my father?
SAWYER: That wouldn't surprise me.
JACK: Listen... Kate and me were engaged off island, banged the night before getting on Ajira 316, I even gave a nice speech to get her off the hook for murder at her trail. And you're just getting over your love for Juliet, who you were going to ask to marry. Don't you think it would be kind of lame for Kate and you to start up the ultimate romance with only nine episodes left?
SAWYER: I hear you Jack, but a good looking guy like me can't be alone for a week. That's ridiculous!
Enters Hurley. Hurley sits in between Jack and Sawyer.
HURLEY: Come on guys you're not arguing over who gets Kate again are you? I mean, at first the love triangle was cute and all. Everybody on the island was wondering who Kate was going to choose and all. Everyone had their favorite. But you guys do know that Kate's just a dumb bitch, right?
JACK & SAWYER: What!??
HURLEY: Yeah, come on dudes. You know I love both of you guys. But do you guys watch the whole show? Or just the scenes that you're in?
JACK: I just watch the scenes that I'm in.
SAWYER: Yeah me too.
HURLEY: Aw dudes. Kate's got this whole pattern with how she treats the men she loves that just shows why she would suck as a girlfriend.
JACK: What are you saying Hurley?
HURLEY: Well It’s not because she blew up her abusive father. She gave Mars a selfish reason for why she did that but her father sucks so who cares and it’s not the reason we don’t like her. Listen, Kate is a flat out bitch in all her relationships. Like, first her childhood sweetheart, Tom, was obviously still in love with her. Kate used him to see her mother, he risked his job to do so, cheated on his wife with her, and was shot in the process of Kate running from the law for a crime she is actually guilty of. It was also an underlining feeling that Tom thought they would be together since they were kids but Kate split. At least that was my interpretation of that episode.
SAWYER: Well I'm sure it's not as bad as all that Hugo. Seems like those were childhood feelings that Tom wasn't over.
HUGO: Well, Kate did him in the car that night before he was shot after they dug up this old New Kids On The Block lunchpail. Also, this Jason guy she used, who she convinced to rob a bank with her for the sole purpose of getting the toy airplane of her dead childhood sweetheart. Once she obtained that thing she totally ditched this bank robber and took off.
Then, this other guy she actually marries, Kevin, who she poisons and ditched without so much as an afterthought. The actor that plays him is that cool captain Mal Reynolds from Firefly. Anyway, this episode shows a great caring man totally in love with his wife, he’s charming, his family loves her, particularly his mother who thinks of her as her daughter. Well, she leaves this poor guy poisoned on the floor without so much of an explanation or a chance to accept her situation. She just jets. Plus the bitch doesn’t do taco night and taco’s fucking rule dude!
JACK: Hurley we all woke up different people after the crash. We all died that night. On this island, we all start out with a fresh start.
HURLEY: That's just dumb Jack. But don't you guys see it? It’s the back and forth with her feelings for you two, she can’t decide. Then in season three, Sawyer wins that battle and it looks like the love triangle is finally over. Nope, she treats Sawyer like second choice and uses him while she longs for Jack. Very weak and very annoying. This is when most of us stopped caring. Listen, Kate basically wants whoever is giving her the least attention. It’s been her pattern throughout the entire show. Most Skaters and Jaters don’t care anymore because Kate isn’t really a prize worth winning once we knew enough about her. It's like we like Sawyer so we don’t want him to end up with Kate. We like Jack so we don’t want him to end up with Kate. Basically Kate sucks and we don’t want either of you guys to be stuck with a girl that turns cold once you give her your attention. Kate just sucks period.
JACK: But I LOVE her! I HAD her!
HURLEY: Come on Jack. You're James Marsdean.
HURLEY: James Marsdean. He's an actor that been in a bunch of stuff. He always plays a great guy, who is caught in a love triangle, but is never good enough for the dumb bitch in the movie. He never gets picked. He's the "just not good enough guy". Directors love casting him for this role.
SAWYER: What's he been in Double Dip?
HURLEY: He's Cyclops in X-Men, he loses Jean Grey to Wolverine. He's Lois Lane's fiance in the latest Superman movie. He of course can't compete with Superman. Even though he's only human he ends up saving Superman's life in that movie and it turns out he raised Superman's son during the time Superman ditched Lois for five years. But there's one movie that bitches fucking love that he's most memorable for being the "really nice understanding guy that just isn't good enough".
JACK: What movie is that?
HURLEY: The Notebook.
SAWYER: The Notebook? That was a pretty good movie, wasn't it? Rachel McAdams is hot!! Girl's do love that movie too.
HURLEY: That's only because it's the self-centered girl's dream movie. It's this girl caught in a love triangle with two really cool dudes. Both love her with all of their hearts and want only for her to be happy. No matter what. So she goes back and forth with no guilt while she decides. But she can't make up her poor little mind :(
JACK & SAWYER: That sounds familiar....
HURLEY: James Marsdean plays this guy who meets Rachel McAdams during the war. He is an injured soldier and Rachel McAdams is a candy striper who nurses him back to health. They hit it off, fall deep in love, have a committed relationship, that moves towards engagement. James Marsdean loves his fiance, he even makes speeches over a microphone at parties about his love for her. He's a real attentive, charming guy. Anyway, she runs back into this other guy for one night, who she was with for one summer when she was a teenager. She sleeps with him without regard that same night. Turns out this guy, who has been through countless other women during their time apart, who also fought in the war, years later couldn't get over Rachel McAdams. Even laying in bed with all these different girls he still only thinks of her.
JACK: That does sound like a self-centered girl's dream.
HURLEY: This other dude, his name is Noah, even built a room in his mansion, for her to paint in. Complete with supplies and everything. Just because one day during that one summer, years ago she mentioned she'd like a room to paint in.
SAWYER: Well lookie here. That's some real pining.
HURLEY: Anyway the point of the movie is that both guys treat her like a princess, as she goes back and forth on both guys. Neither ever calls her out on her shit. Their only desire is for her happiness.
JACK: What's your point Hurley?
HURLEY: Don't be James Marsdean Jack. Let it go.
SAWYER: (smiles) Alright, I guess that means I'm Noah. I get the girl.
HURLEY: No, you're missing the point Sawyer. You don't want Rachel McAdams. Noah gets her, the movie flashforwards, and she's totally batshit crazy. Probably from having to choose between the two, probably still went back and forth while she was married, for all we know. She doesn't even remember her life or Noah for the last couple of years. There's one scene in the movie where his children show up and plead for their father to leave mom in the retirement home, to live with them, and spend some time with the grandchildren. He of course doesn't, at the end Rachel McAdam's dies, grabs Noah hand and tells him it's time for him to die too. The End.
SAWYER: Wow, I never looked at the movie like that.
HURLEY: Guys, the point is Kate may be with one of you by the end of our little series, but she'll never be satisfied and will probably go batshit once she does decide. You are both great guys and my friends. Time to move on dudes. I thought it was time someone told this to the both of you.
JACK: Thanks Hurley.
SAWYER: Hey did you ever get caught in a net with Kate that we don't know about?
HURLEY: Of course, that chick doesn't know what she wants. Of course I slipped her the hurleybird a few times.
THE END: LOST