(Sorry wrote the first part at work. Finished it at home. Hope you enjoy and find closure in the show.)

BOB: If the Smoke Monster is just the result of Jacob throwing MIB into the source’s light hole, then why does the Smoke Monster make mechanical sounds? Where’s that come from?

CARLTON: We just wanted the Smoke Monster to have a cool sound. That’s it.

DAMON: Confession here… that noise you hear isn’t some mechanical sound we created. We actually stole the first three seconds from the theme song of “Family Matters” and looped it over and over again.

CARLTON: Right. That is actually one of our formulas to keep people interested in the show or make people think they love OUR show by stealing sounds or elements from old beloved shows, books, or want not. Then reference them subliminally somewhere in LOST. “What was that? Stick around later baby, the answers are coming somewhere in the future.”

DAMON & CARLTON (at the same time): LOL

DAMON: Right even something as easy as “where did that sound come from?” we couldn’t come up with our own original idea. Subconsciously, as a viewer you were hooked on our show from the first time you hear the Smoke Monster, for those who loved “Family Matters”. They probably didn’t even know why they loved LOST.

BOB: That’s diabolical. How does this work?

DAMON: We would throw in a book club that was reading popular author Stephen King. Complete with a newly introduced character defending one of his books to some lame dude in that book club. Some dude who the viewers would never see again. Stephen King fan? Well… now you’re a LOST and a Juliet fan. Han Solo is pretty cool huh? Here’s Sawyer. Hello Star Wars fans. LOST just keeps gettin’ better. Question… What’s the point of our story by the end?

CARLTON: Answer… Use your own imagination my friend. It can be anything you want. Hell… throw in Snarf from Thundarcats in the ending if you would like to. We don’t give a crap.

DAMON: ha-ha How about that? Now do you see what’s so great about LOST?

BOB: So is that why nothing seems to come together at the end? Because you guys just threw in random crap to keep it interesting? With old references from pop culture? You guy’s never had a plan?

CARLTON: Not just pop culture Bob. We would reference some really deep philosophers into the show for those into philosophy. We would put some heavy duty quantum mechanics and the edgiest scientific theories into the show as Easter eggs for those into science. Never with any intention of ever explaining them.

DAMON: Hell we never even understood these theories. Not our fault for those who expected we were going somewhere with all of this. Just because we might have indicated some promise that the answers would be revealed by the end of the show. Pfftt

BOB: The longer this interview goes on… the sadder I get. But still I can’t seem to hate you guys as you tell me you were putting me on this entire time. Even as you sit there unapologetic, I still find you guys endearing.

DAMON: Do we kind of remind you of anyone? Maybe a beloved character from our show. Maybe someone who seemed like they had all the answers, someone who was a complete jerk, someone who would stoop to any level, play mind games to keep himself around, and was really only truly interested in money and power?

BOB: Oh my God. Darlton is Ben Linus. Pulling the ultimate long con on its own audience this whole time. You wrote yourselves into the show.

DARLTON: THAT’S RIGHT! The show never had any real meaning within the context of the show. It was all a means to an end for us to become ridiculously wealthy and famous. Hell our combined entity was named as one of TIME’s most influential 100 people.

BOB: So that’s the answer. I’ve solved the mystery of what LOST was about.

DARLTON: Whatever, you are only Bob. You can’t stop what you yourself have helped create. There is no Egyptian rock you can plug in a hole that can stop what is… DARLTON! THIS INTERVIEW IS NOW OVER.

(Damon jumps on Carlton’s shoulders and they leave the stage as one being)


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