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Armageddoner! By Damon Lindelof
A greedy, evil corporation has unwittingly created a natural disaster the likes of which the world has never seen. Protocols were ignored. Warnings were unheeded. And none of the damn eggheads in Washington can seem to come up with a way to stop millions of barrels of crude from pumping into the goddamned Gulf, threatening our Americanism!
What we need, ladies and gentlemen, is experience. Experts who know their way around an OIL RIG. But not just any ROUGHNECKS. No. For this crazy plan to work, we'll need men who have experience with SPACE TRAVEL. Why?
Because we're gonna reverse-ARMAGEDDON this shit and call it a sequel.
We OPEN on Billy Bob. He doesn't need the cane anymore — maybe he has some kind of Iron Man cyberleg or something. This will be important later. Just don't ask me why. The phone rings.
He answers it. It's the PRESIDENT. African American will seem too current and 24 just did two seasons with a chick in the Oval Office, so I say we get real progressive up in here and go Jew. Maybe Dreyfuss or Hoffman.
President Jew lays it out. Tragedy in the Gulf. Lives lost. Massive ecological disaster. But the public is only being told half the story. If the other half were revealed, they'd be rioting in the goddamned streets (end of Act Two, by the way) so Billy Bob had better sit down. VROOOVK! — with a whir of knee-servo-motors, Billy Bob does just that, "Tell me, Mr. President."
And in a series of totally awesome CGI graphics (this thing is in 3D, bitches) we learn that through history, GEOLOGISTS have conspired to hide the truth of our own planet from us — that, in fact, the Earth does not have a molten core but instead, a core comprised entirely of OIL. And armed with that secret knowledge (the Vatican should be in on this, too — let's tap that Da Vinci Code audience), corporations have been racing to TAP that oil, thus controlling our long-term energy supply and blahblahblah who gives a shit, we GET IT! But the headline is THIS:
Now that the core has been tapped, it is spewing like a sailor on shore leave. And if it can't be stopped? The core of the planet will empty out. And then?
The Earth will fucking COLLAPSE!!!
Billy Bob takes a dramatic pause and quietly says "Good God, Mr. President. We're all dead." (Trailer moment.) But then he realizes why the President has called HIM of all people.
Because he's saved the world before. He hatched the plan. He put it into action. He got a team of roughnecks off an oil rig and into OUTER SPACE to nuke an asteroid that was threatening our way of life. But what's that got to do with the oil leak?
Well, the wonks at NASA have found an ASTEROID that will pass by Earth in about three days. On its current path, it'll miss us by a good million miles or so.
But if... dammit, IF... someone were to go up there and detonate a calibrated warhead on that damn thing, its trajectory could be altered. Altered so specifically that it could be made to hit a very specific target.
A target on the floor of the Gulf of Mexico.
It can plug that leak.
Yes. Once such an asteroid threatened to destroy us all. But now? It's our only chance at salvation. (Movie poster tagline!)
CLOSE ON Billy Bob. Moment of truth. It's too much. There's no time. He's retired now. And he has a drinking problem and an ex-wife who doesn't respect him. It's just him and his bionic leg on a horse farm in Wyoming.
He shakes his head as President Hoffman awaits his answer. Then, finally, "I know you don't believe in Jesus Christ, sir...how the hell can you believe in me?"
Hoffman sighs: "Because you were the only one who answered the damn phone." (Trailer moment No. 2.)
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is only the first PAGE AND A HALF of the movie.
Bay's in. He loves the "James Cameron fucking environmental message bullshit" of it.
Willis wants to do it, even though he seems to have forgotten he died in the first one. If we want him, easy enough to say he's a twin brother or do some time travel thingamajob once they get into space.
Normally, I hate sequels, but this is a no-brainer.
Think you can do better? Create your own poster for Armageddoner! — if we like it, we'll feature it right here on Esquire.com. E-mail your art to firstname.lastname@example.org, and share your oil-spill movie ideas on Twitter.
Damon Lindelof is the co-creator of Lost as well as the producer of Star Trek and its upcoming sequel. Having worked in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, he is deeply and profoundly affected by the spill in the Gulf and sickened by the tragedy on both an ecological and human level. Fuck BP.