My great grand theory to explain all of LOST

This is my pet theory. It can be argued, picked apart, etc. This is what I'm wondering if LOST could be, but even I'm not sure. I think I'm probably WAY off.

Please do not "troll" on comments, because I am not 100% convinced that this is accurate or close. If you have any comment, be nice and state well-reasoned arguments for or against this theory. ALL VIEWPOINTS ARE WELCOME, as long as they are stated clearly with good evidence and are not trolling/flaming in nature.

Here goes...

The island is the Garden of Eden (or something similar). To protect it, the Island constantly moves through space time. The "monster" is like the cherubim guarding the center of the Island. Some time in the past, Egyptian explorers stumbled onto the Island. The Island may or may have not been moving at this time. However, the Egyptians recognized the importance of the Island, and began building temple structures on the Island. Some time before the completion of all of the structures, the Island moved. One of the people on the Island remained on it to protect it.

Since the Island is the Garden of Eden, he found the Tree of Life and ate from it to stay young. He became the person we know as Richard Alpert. When, in 1977, Ben is brought to him, Alpert takes Ben to the temple. The temple houses the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. At some point, Ben eats from this tree, and it makes him extra wicked, which explains why he is extra devious.

Dharma somehow stumbled onto the Egyptian plans for the Island and they seek to complete the work by building scientific stations to harness the same energies he Egyptians tried to harness. That explains why so many of the Dharma structures lie on top of the Egyptian ruins.

Now, I know this has some virtues/setbacks. I will list two of the setbacks.

Why would God's cherubim be stopped by anything, let alone a sonic fence?

How is Jacob credited with giving Alpert continual youth if Alpert supposedly keeps young by eating from the Tree of Life? (Perhaps Jacob showed him the tree or maybe he spares Alpert the consequences of eating from the tree).

Here is a final query: Could Richard Alpert be an Egyptian? I know he is not African-looking. However, he does have darker skin, and he may wear eyeshadow/eyeliner (as referenced by Sawyer). Could Alpert be some remnant of the original Egyptians, possibly a priest?

Again, I know this idea has many virtues and setbacks. Polite, well-reasoned discussion is welcome.

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