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Transcripts for Lost episodes up to and including "Enter 77" are based on the transcriptions by Lost-TV member Spooky with aid of DVR, and at times, closed captions for clarification. She and Lost-TV have generously granted us permission to share/host these transcripts at Lostpedia. Later transcripts were created by the Lostpedia community, unless stated otherwise below.
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This page contains transcripts relating to Damon, Carlton, and a Polar Bear
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Paul Scheer: Hey everybody, it’s Paul from DamonCarltonAndAPolarBear.com. As you guys all know, I gave Damon and Carlton an awesome velvet painting of them and a polar bear, giving the thumbs up. They loved it, they went nuts for it. And, uh, I just found out the other day that they threw it away, which is weird. Um, I don’t know if it has anything to do with these Ronie Midfew guys, or what’s going on there, So I’m just gonna drive to ABC today, and talk to them... and actually, here we are, this is ABC. Check it out. Hey, we’re almost there. I feel like Ethan, running across the island, you know, trying to find the passengers of 815, like, but, he can’t let them know that he’s an other, you know. Not that I’m an other, but I’m gonna be a new person meeting Damon and Carlton and they’re gonna be so psyched, like, “Paul, what are you doing here? We didn’t get your number at Comic-Con.” I was like, “Oh, no problem, I’ll give it to you now.” And then, they’re like “Can you give us some notes on the script?” I’m like, “Sure, you want me to read these scripts?” And it’ll be great. So, Damon and Carlton, here we come.
[Cut to Scheer pulling up to a security guard booth]
Scheer: Hey, how you doing?
Security Guard: Good, how are you?
Scheer: Good, I am here to see Damon and Carlton.
Security Guard: I just need to see your photo ID, please.
Scheer: Yeah, sure, I'll give you some, I mean, you know, you could just let me in. It’ll be totally fine. Just let me in, and uh, they’ll know, they’ll be really cool.
Scheer: How're we looking?
Security Guard: Okay, we do not have a pass for you. I suggest you give him a call, have him request your pass.
[Cut to outside lot]
Scheer: Okay, the security guard is tough, so I figure the best way to get in is with a disguise. Here we go.
[Cut to Scheer with a fake beard and a touque on]
Security Guard: Hello, sir. How are you?
Scheer: Yes, yes, hi. I am, uh, Mr. Friendly, here to see Damon and Carlton. Mr. Friendly.
Security Guard: Oh, Mr. Friendly!
Scheer: Yes, yes.
Security Guard: Yes, nice to meet you. Damon and Carlton are expecting you. You know your way around here?
Scheer: Yes, Great job. Thank you!
[Scheer moves away from Security Guard and pulls down his beard]
Scheer: That was awesome! Did you see that? Alright, cool, we're in, let's go!
[Scheer starts running towards the parking lot. Cut to ext. studio 4.]
Scheer: Okay, so we're on the lot, I made a map, uh, where I think everything should be. I feel like Sayid, like, when he was following that electrical cord around the island, I mean, where does it lead? The Lost production office, I hope. And I can talk to Damon and Carlton, and we can figure this whole thing out, I mean, 'cause that painting should've been used in the actually series, I mean, if they read any of my fan fiction, which I'm sure they just haven't gotten to, 'cause I put it on the back of the painting, the would realize, like, "that should be in the cave with Adam and Eve!"
Scheer: Alright, I don't know where I am, I think some stuff on the map is wrong...
[Carlton Cuse bumps him as he passes]
Scheer: Oh! No, this is it! This is where Damon and Carlton are, right here! Alright...
Scheer: Alright, I don't know, uh, where I am, right now the irony is I am actually lost. So, uh... trying to find... see, it says right... I can't find this production building anywhere! (Sign behind him reads "Production Building.") Alright, you know what? Now I'm pumped. Because I read on a fan blog that the Lost trash goes out every Friday, which means if they threw it out, it must be in the dumpsters. And the dumpsters, I know where that is, right here. So, to the dumpsters!
[Cut to Scheer outside a dumpster.]
Scheer: Dude, check it out, this is the Lost dumpster, they threw it away, it's definitely in here.
[Sheer climbs into the dumpster. Damon Lindelof passes by him, talking on his cell phone.]
Damon: I don't care. Kill him. No, kill him. I don't care what his motivation is, just make him dead. Right.
Scheer: This is awesome!
Sheer: ...crap in here...
Scott Aukerman (Cameraman): What's in there, man?
[Scheer pulls out a red rose.]
Sheer: What's this, like, a rose? Like from The Bachelor or something? (to Scott) Do you accept this rose? (Scott shakes his head) Yeah, you want it, take it, take it, come on, you love it! (Scott swats at it) Aw, you broke the rose!
[Cut to Scheer taking out a piece of paper.]
Scheer: Woah. Look at this. This is totally from Lost.
Scott: What's that?
Scheer: It's like a set design... "temple elevation, set 493, episode 601..." Check this out! What does it mean? Do these... got, like hieroglyphics, and... "four sides and a column", I don't even know what that means! Dude. This is awesome. I'm saving this. This is like... I'm gonna frame this! Look at this later.
[Cut to Scheer pulling out shredded paper from a brown paper bag]
Scheer: Woah. Woah woah woah woah!
Scott: What's that?
Scheer: Look at this, it's all shredded up... That's, like, an 'S', isn't it? It's the Lost logo, right? We gotta tape this together, man, we gotta find out what this is! Ah, dude, do you have a bag or something, so we don't lose anything? Do you have a bag?
[A bullhorn siren is heard.]
Man on bullhorn: What do you guys think you're doing?
Scheer: Go, go!
Man on bullhorm: Get out of the dumpster! You too! Come back here!
[Scheer starts running.]
Sheer: I'm gonna put it together! DamonCarltonAndAPolarBear.com!
Scheer: Come on!
Scheer: Come on, come on!
[Cut to Scheer in his home, taping the shreds of paper together.]
Scheer: Check it out, final piece is in... The title of the first two episodes of season 6 of Lost are... "LA X." But not like, LAX, it's like, LA space X, so like, what does it mean, like, the airport LAX, or is it like, la X, like a French thing, or it could be like LA: X marks the spot, maybe the bomb worked, they're all back in LA, dude, check it out, this is a Damon, Carlton and a Polar Bear exclusive right here, man! This is awesome! (imitates the Lost title screen) Waaaah. Make sure to check out the website, there's gonna be tons of awesome stuff, all my velvet paintings go on sale at midnight on August 15, it's gonna blow your mind. Peace!