DJ Dan September 24, 2006 Live Podcast Transcript/Part 2

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This information was revealed in part through the alternate reality game
The LOST Experience
The Lost Experience
View Talk Edit
Clues · Revelations · Sponsorship · Websites
Characters:   Rachel Blake · Alvar Hanso · Thomas Mittelwerk · DJ Dan · William Kilpatrick · Malick · Other...
Themes: Hanso Foundation · DHARMA · Valenzetti Equation · Sri Lanka Video · Apollo Candy · Other...

A transcript is a retrospective written record of dialogue, and like a script (a prospective record) may include other scene information such as props or actions. In the case of a transcript of a film or television episode, ideally it is a verbatim record. Because closed-captioning is usually written separately, its text may have errors and does not necessarily reflect the true Canonical transcript.

Disclaimer: These transcripts are intended for educational and promotional purposes only, and may not be reproduced commercially without permission from ABC. They represent one viewer's secondhand experience of ABC's LOST (executive producers J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof), and have no connection with ABC television or its affiliates.

Transcript of DJ Dan Live Broadcast from September 24

continued from Part 1

Broken into segments for ease of editing

Segment 4

Johnny: You’re listening to – music and more, anytime. – your Internet radio provider. And now, coming to you live from an antenna on an island somewhere in the South Pacific, normally broadcasting a series of numbers, numbers so terrifying I won’t even go into it or say them outloud. It’s DJ Dan! Shutting down the man!

Dan: Folks, I am shutting down the Man, thats what I'm doing here, now who's gonna be with us very soon? Rachel Blake, Persephone, ladies and gentlemen. The lady of the experience, the so-called experience, what they want you to think is a experience instead of reality. I mean, if we're talking about that, we're gonna talk about something very special here, something very interesting. That's right, announcer Johnny's bladder. Folks, I gotta tell you, announcer Johnny...

Johnny: Don't go there.

Dan: He's been sitting here for over 15 hours preparing for this, he's got his trigger finger ready, we're gonna catheterize the poor guy, I have never seen a look of agony on a human being like this. But folks! Before we go into that, and we will do it live, I'm gonna take a couple of phone calls, that's right, I'm gonna take a couple of phone calls here, let's see what we've got going, Tonya? Who's on the line?

Tonya: Line 13, Tim from Rhode Island.

Dan: Tim from Rhode Island, line 13. Tim, are you on? Are you there, Tim? Tim from Rhode Island? Earth to Road Island, RI.

Tonya: Timmy, can you hear me? (Crickets Sound)

Dan: Folks, crickets, crickets okay. Who do we have? Let's hear another one.

Tonya: Okay. Tapdawg, Line 9, from Los Angleles.

Dan: TAPDAWG! From Los Angleles (tapping desk). Ohhh, that's right, I'm feeling it, that's right, you can call me Slappy Ham Bone from now on. Tapdawg, you're on the air with DJ Dan, what you got?


Dan: Tapdawg, you're on the air with DJ Dan.

Johnny: Phone's not working.

Dan: Folks, it's terrible what's happening to our phones, I think it's the Hanso Foundation hacking our lines, if we don't get some phones up here were gonna have to go to Viewer Mail and how dull is that folks? I think you all know how. Tonya, who else do we have?

Tonya: Line 14, Rants from Ohio.

Dan: Rants from Ohio on Line 14, Rants, are you there? Rants? You're on the air with Slappy Ham Bone.

Johnny: All of them? Is it Slappy or Sloppy?

Dan: It's Slappy Ham Bone, yes that's my tap dance name. Rants, are you there? Okay, folks we're having some technical difficulties with our phone, we're gonna go to some viewer mail right now while we sort those out. Okay what do we have here, let's hear some viewer mail.

Tonya: From Mark, "Hey DJ Dan."

Dan: Hey, Mark!

Tonya: "I was just wondering if you've gotten those powdered sugar-covered hands on a Golden Oracle Apollo bar, and do you still think that they're nanite-infested, now that we know that they're coming from one of our 'friends,' Rachel Blake?"

(Quiet whistling)

Dan: Well, you know what? I would, I would not touch, I would not eat an Apollo bar with your mouth okay folks, thats what I'm saying, alright. These things are chock full of stuff, stuff I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy's dog, alright. Golden Oracle or not, okay, just because my friend and yours Rachel Blake, pulled a Wonka on this thing, does not mean you should be touching the stuff. We're talking nanites! Were talking a black swarming cloud of nanites! No wait! We're not! If were not talking about anything, it's a black swarming cloud of nanites! DO YOU ALL HEAR ME! JOHNNY, DO YOU HEAR ME!

Johnny: Hear you.


Johnny: Impossible not to.

Tonya: Loud and clear.


Marvin: What?

Dan: Never mind. (Tonya laughing) THERE'S NOT A DARK CLOUD OF NANITES, IN ANYTHING, ANYWHERE THAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! Tonya, give me another reader mail, what have we got going on.

Tonya: Juliana.

Dan: Juliana.

Tonya: "Hey DJ Dan!"

Dan: Hey Juliana!

Tonya: "What do you think of William T. Kilpatrik's disappearance and possible murder?"

Dan: Alright, you know what, this is one where I gotta, i gotta defer to the wisdom of Marvin the Earthling on this one. Marvin, what's this all about?

Marvin: Hola.

Dan: Yes, what are we talking about there?

Marvin: Uh, William T. Kilpatrik was involved with, erm, Jeep, in the, whole Compass fiasco...

Dan: Ohh, you mean about how the Hanso Foundation...

Marvin: Organs, and er, basically, the Hanso Foundation bought all these Jeeps and the outfitted them for evil and what not, and driving across the countries and shipping organs and guts and brains.

Dan: So, Jeeps are now evil raiders, not just trail blazers...

Marvin: Basically William Kilpatrik was kidnapped and um, it was horrible and basically uh, Rachel...

Dan: Uhh, where was he kidnapped?

Marvin: Uh, he was sort of, um, perhaps making a public appearance...

Dan: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. This guy was talking to Rachel Blake...

Marvin: No, no, he wasn't talking to Rachel Blake at the time, he was just, he...

Dan: But he talks to Rachel blake right?

Marvin: Sure.

Dan: And he made a public appearance and then he went...FOLKS! I'm making a public appearance and I talk to Rachel Blake. OH MY GOD! This is the worst thing that's ever happened! I'm making...alright look, folks, if you talk to Rachel Blake, don't be like me, don't be like Billy! Okay, don't make public appearances! If your fighting the Man, you don't make public appearances! MY GOD! Okay, when Madonna comes on on that crucifix, is Rachel Blake hammering in the nails? NO, SHE'S NOT! OF COURSE NOT! You know why? BECAUSE SHE'S RUNNING AWAY FROM THE MAN! Alright. DON'T MA-- I'M MAKING A PUBLIC APPEARANCE RIGHT NOW! THEY'RE GONNA COME AND TAKE ME AWAY! They know where I am don't they! They were here the last time! (Knocking) If Tonya hadn't been a master of Jujitsu, we would have never gotten out of that. Folks, okay, do we have our lines on? Do we have phones? Alright let's take some calls, let's hear some calls.

Tonya: Line 14, Stephanie from Ohio.

Dan: All right, Stephanie from Ohio, Steph what you got for me? (silence) Oh for the love of sweet God, people, where are my phones? You know what, speaking of donuts (laughing), speaking of donuts, ummm...

Tonya: We were?

Johnny: The Donut of the Day.

Dan:Yes thats right, ohh speaking of that i have to tell you, it's the point of the show where I'm feeling the dip of my energy reserves, a contraction of the mitochondria. And that means it's time to bring out the old brown bag of delights and unleash, it's the Donut of the Day! That's right, the Donut of the Day has been specially made by my wife, she said I'd love it, she said she wrote me a special note with it and today's donut is...

(Fumbling with bag)

Dan: Uhh, a low carb bagel.

Johnny: A low-carb bagel.

Dan: With fat-free cream! Jeez!

(Tonya laughing)

Dan: THIS IS NOT FUNNY! This is a vio-, this is a mutilation.

Johnny: Kinda funny.

Tonya: And what does the note say?

Dan: It says, and I quote, "I dreamt you died last night, I'm pretty sure I don't want that to happen yet, enjoy."

(Growing laughter)

Dan: Ahhh my sweet wife, always with the veiled threats, which brings me to a little segment I like to call...

Johnny: (Blood pumping sound) The Threat Call of the Day!

Dan: You see folks, if you're like me, if you're poking your nose into the shadows to sniff out evil where it lives, chances are that schnozz of yours is gonna come back with a couple of extra holes in it, now you might think that that might deter a man such as me, you might think I might have headed for a higher ground or a greater pasture or something, but then you'd be flat out wrong, but as you know I've been recently locking horns with a little organization known as...

Johnny:The Hanso Foundation!

Dan: That's right they're weird, they're creepy, they're ooky, they're all together spooky. (Snaps twice) That's right, folks, they have a fondness for mint green labcoats but when it comes to threat calls, they're the metaphorical equivalent to a bowl of overcooked lo mein, which is why Johnny and I like to do a little interpretive scketch of our own threat calls. That's right folks, just to keep things lively. Shall we try a few out?

Johnny: Yes DJ Dan, but before we start I've been asked to say (clears throat). Today's Threat Call is brought to you by Widmore Construction. "We can crush you under a I-beam and say it was an accident! Don't worry, we're insured."

Tonya: Who asked you to say that?

Johnny: Ermmm, did I tell you I finally am going to be able to be putting that addition onto my house. It's really a pool!

Dan: Ok, ok, ok, Johnny, middle of page six. Will ya? Threat me up, come on.

Johnny: (Fumbling though the pages) Middle of page six, ermm. "That's right, DJ Dan, you'll come home to find your chestnuts roasting over an open fire, and by chestnuts I don't mean chestnuts at all, what I really mean when I say chestnuts is that I'm going to take your..."

Dan: Shutdown! I think its a little bit too early in the year, it's kinda seasonal, uhh page 24, from the top.

Johnny: (Clears throat) Page 24, from the top, uhh, you want me to sing?

Dan: Ohhh, do I ever.

Tonya: Oh no.

Johnny: Exactly, you've heard me sing, haven't you Tonya? Ok (Clears throat and sings to the tune of "My Favorite Things") "Razors and Blazers, and nails on mittens, a safe falls on Tonya, I drowned all your kittens..."

Dan: Ok, that's enough.

Johnny: (Carrying on) "Brown paper wrappers filled up with your spleens..."

Dan: Okay! Okay! Okay! What is it with the threat calls. My God! Dear Lord, it's a Von Trapp nightmare! (Shutdown sound) Okay, this could be a good one, page 12 start at the bottom.

Johnny: Page 12 start at the bottom, ok (clears throat). "Not only that, but I bought my V12 SUV outside of California, that's right, relaxed emission standards and I'm driving it more than ever, DJ Dan, which means someday soon, you're facing a one degree rise in ocean temperature and when that happens, the ice caps will melt, the seas will rise, rendering your bluff top home ocean-front property, rendered it worthless!"

Dan: Come on, come on, when did Al Gore join the writing staff?

Tonya: We have a writing staff?

Dan: You know what, another crack, another dollar, Tonya. Okay, you know what, you know what, I, I, folks, there you have it, Threat Call of the Day!

Johnny: No, Wait.

Dan: Ohh you want to do the other threat call?

Johnny: Yeah.

Dan: I think some of our callers might wanna hear some DJ Dan talking and actually get them on the line, but you know what, since your so pleased with this, Johnny, let's do the last threat call.(Johnny Laughing) I was just gonna drop it, but you can hear it now, give it to me!

Johnny: (Clears throat) "Uhh, I just wanted to call in and say I'm your biggest fan and I hope you continue on in your radiant health with no falls down the stairs, or unexpected trips to the emergency room."

Tonya: Dan, this guy is weird.

Dan: He's freaking me out.

Johnny: "I find your opinions stimulating and I encourage you to continue digging into the potentially criminal activities of the Hanso organization."

Dan: Strange isn't it? It feels like a threat call but it sounds just like the opposite.

Johnny: (sarcastic) "Wow, I wonder why? I'm pretty sure it's not opposite day. Oh well, bye now DJ. Have a great night and by all means don't worry about the bag of death stalker scorpions I didn't leave under the driver's seat of your green Jeep Compass. You have not been warned, DJ Dan."

Dan: Well, folks, under great duress, there you have it, the Threat Call of the Day!

Johnny: We should of killed that letter.

Dan: I think we should of killed that bit, absolutely. But, you know what? Now the thing I wanna ask is, and I'm directing this to my engineers here, but if I get a call will I be able to get in on the line? Folks, we are praying here, we are praying. Praying for a call.

Johnny: Test call of the night.

Dan: Now, we're gonna test. We had some calls, this is our test call. Who do we have on the line?

Tonya: Line 15, Mr. Frosty, Toronto.

Dan: Mr. Frosty from Toronto, you are on the air with DJ Dan. (Silence, then toilet flush sound)

Tonya: Oh no.

Dan: Mr. Frosty, are you there?

Tonya: Yeah? I hear something...

Dan: Yes, Mr Frosty. I'm not hearing a damn thing. Folks, I don't know whats going on with our calls, so I gotta tell you it's... (Funeral music) Yeah.

Johnny: Phone line is dead.

Dan: What happened? Guys, just keep calling in, we'll try and get to you. I really want to take these calls.

Tonya: I told you we had to pay the phone bill.

Dan: That's right, or perhaps it's my arch nemesis...

Johnny: (laughing) Ohhh no, your just trying to do...

Dan: Folks, perhaps it's someone evil, somebody who wants me dead, my arch nemesis...

Johnny: The Hanso Foundation. Ha-ha!

Dan: All of this, all of this inability to take calls. Folks, we're gonna try to make this up to you a little bit later, we've got a little more time before Rachel Blake calls us, you know what, umm, let's see, you know what, should we even try to get another call, is this gonna happen for us? Okay, folks, you know what, I think we're gonna go to a song, we're going to try to work out our differences here, and then, we're going to take your calls. Let's hit it!

("Take a Bow" by Muse plays)

Segment 5

Voice: Methrop.

(DJ Dan Jingle)

Johnny: Coming to you live from the secret CIA prison under your local high school football field, it's DJ Dan, shutting down the Man, Supero Dupero Editione Especial!

Dan: Supero Dupero Editione Especial, is that Italian, is that Spanglish, what the heck is that?

Johnny: Its Scriptese, it was written right here for me.

Dan: Oh my God! We're gonna have to talk to our staff about that. Folks, you know what, I've opened up a special phone line for Rachel Blake should and when she choose to call. I have it on good authority she's gonna be with us in a few minutes, but you know what I'm wanna take some more of your calls because I think it's an important thing. I think it's something we need to be doing, okay folks? Now, who do we have here, Tonya?

Tonya: Line 14, Speaker.

Dan: Speaker.

Johnny: Tonya, speaking on the announcer mic.

Dan: Yeah, she's a little reverb.

Johnny: Tonya, the announcer.

Dan: Speaker, you're on live with DJ Dan. You're on live with DJ Dan. (silence)

Johnny: See, Speaker wouldn't hang up on us.

Dan: No, Speaker wouldn't hang up. Speaker is GOOD. Speaker, you know, even though Speaker is kind of close with that Javier Grillo-Marxuach guy, and that kind of freaks me out a little bit...

"NegaSpeaker" (Note: Speaker from Inside the Experience writes it wasn't him who called in [1] as noted here): Hello?

Johnny: Hey, there's Speaker! My MySpace friend!

Dan: Yay! Ladies and gentlemen, we've got, we've got, we've got, we got a call through! Can I get a witness!

Johnny: Witness.

Dan: Okay, alright. Speaker, what do you got to say to me?

"NegaSpeaker": Hello?

Dan: Yes? We tried like eight calls, you're the first one to get through, I wanna talk! What do you got to say to me?

(Hallelujah plays on the organ in the background.)

"NegaSpeaker": The island we learned about from the Sri Lanka video that Rachel helped us put together, well, Charles Widmore, who helped Hanso, um, is he a part of this? Is it possible that maybe he has a twin who he sent to the island? And his twin is maybe John Locke?

Dan: First of all, you don't sound like Speaker very much, I gotta tell you, I mean, I know Speaker, and you don't s-, are you really speaker or are you, like, some sort of fake, conspiracy Speaker, 'cause it doesn't sound like the Speaker -

Johnny: Just like the fake Rachel Blakes we've seen.

Dan: That's right. You know, we've been getting fake phone calls, fake Rachel Blakes all night, my friend. Is this the real Speaker or not?

"NegaSpeaker": Yes.

Dan: "Yes," it is the real Speaker. Hahahaha. I hope it is! Because I'm going to be talking to you later, okay? I DON'T THINK WIDMORE HAS AN EVIL TWIN. What do you think, he's got a BAD TWIN? Is that what you think? Dude, listen, okay, people have good twins, bad twins, the whole thing and that doesn't mean that every time there's some fictional manifestation of something there's gotta be a bad twin! That's what I'm talking about. You know what, um, "Speaker," I'm not gonna shut you down but I'm going to say, thank you for the call.

"NegaSpeaker": Thank you.

Dan: Okay, let's get another call in here.

Tonya: Line 7, Mike, from Tucson, Arizona.

Dan: Mike from Tucson, on Line 7.

Mike: Yeah, it's me, uh, I was just wondering, uh, is Rachel Blake really Alvar Hanso's daughter?

Dan: I have uh, no idea, I mean I uh. That is a very you think that she is Alvar Hanso's daughter? What do you think about that? Let's, let's pretend that I don't know all the answers for a second. What basis do you have, in terms of reality, a.k.a. "The Lost Experience" to say that? What, what makes you think that she is Alvar Hanso's daughter?

Mike: Uh, I really have no clue, I've just been reading blogs and stuff.

Dan: Well, yeah, but I mean, there's, surely, there mu--does she sound DANISH to you?

Mike: What?

Dan: Does she sound Danish to you? Is there something Danish about her presentation that makes you think, "Oh my God, I'm talking to Alvar Hanso's daughter?"

Mike: Heh, uhhhh, not really.

Dan: So it's purely just your experience of blogs, right?

Mike: Yup, pretty much.

Dan: Alright, I'm gonna have to shut you down. I'm very sorry. SHUT DOWN! FOLKS! If you're calling to tell me somebody is something, you'd better know why that that somebody is whatever you say they is, am I right?

Johnny: (Laughing) Yuh-yuh-yes, whatever you said, DJ Dan.

Dan: That's right. You know what? You know what, you know what, I think, I think it should be Talk Like James Hetfield Day, is what I'm saying, I think everyone should be like, i-is-is today, is today the day where everyebody calls me and tells me "this-saaah." That's right, a little Metallica there for you, folks. You know, let's take another call, let's take another call. I, uh, I, is Rachel Blake on the other line, 'cause I, I, I really would like to get that phone line open for her. Is she? Well, let's just take another call. Who do we have here?

Tonya: Line 5, Lost in Pennsylvania.

Dan: All, all right, how can one get lost in Pennsylvania? The Turnpike is so prevelant. Lost in Pennsylvania, are you there? (Silence) Lost in Pennsylvania... Lost in Pennsylvania... We have lost Lost. Let's get 'em, let's go to another line.

Tonya: Line 10, Derek from Evansville, Indiana.

Dan: Derek from Evansville, are you there?

Derek: Yeah, this is me.

Dan: Oh, okay, it's me! Oh, oh excellent, me. I thought it was Derek, but it turns out it's me! Well, thank God, I always wanted to talk to me! Yes?

Derek: Well, I have a question, because on the Hanso Foundation website, with the real map, the statistics that you put in to the next video, there's a secret area you can click that says "She was a member of the Foundation." Do you happen to know who that was?

Dan: Uh, I don't know, you know what, I'm going to go to Marvin the Earthling, my connection for all things dealing with "reality" to tell us a little bit about this. Marvin? You're Marvin the Earthling, ah what, what do we know about all this?

Marvin: Mm. I have no idea what the question was because um, I was under the table, and -

Dan: Oh, see, I'm very afraid of things myself.

Johnny: I can vouch for that answer.

Marvin: Please, please repeat the question for me. Sir?

Dan: Please repeat the question.

Derek: The ah, on the Foundation website, where you put the statistics in about the different countries, for the video, there's a secret area-, go ahead.

Marvin: Yes. Yes, continue.

Dan: No, no, you go ahead, continue.

Derek: Well, there's a secret video that you can, a secret area that you can click on, and it says text backwards. And if you turn it in the mirror, it would say that she was a member of the Foundation.

Marvin: Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Derek: You happen to think that that was possibly, like, Rachel Blake, or something?

Marvin: Rachel. Okay, for starters, hm-hummm! For starters, Rachel Blake worked for Widmore, okay. Do you really think she worked for the Hanso Foundation? She said herself, she worked for Widmore. Did she not? Widmore service, check! DID SHE NOT?


(Lots of screaming)

Tonya: Whoa, what?

Dan: (Military voice) Have you ever worked in a forward area, son?

Marvin: She was, I-I'm sorry, look, I don't want to get upset with you, but. I - (heavy breathing).

Dan: All right, Marvin, Marvin, Marvin, I think you have to go back under the table.

(More screaming and breathing)

Dan: Okay, someone needs to take Marvin Down.

Marvin: Wahoo-oo! (Echo)

Dan: You know what, you know what, I'm going to have to shut you down. SHUT DOWN!

Derrick: Oh, shut down.

Dan: Folks, folks, okay, you know what? Oh my God, wait. Is that the special red... I think the special red light is on, ladies and gentlemen. That can only mean one thing! (Horn sound effect). I think, oh my God, that's the line I set up. Folks, folks, we've talked about her, we've fought for her, and we've yearned for her, and we've dreamed about her: oh sweet, candle lit dreams. And now, without further adieu, the guest that makes this Shutting Down the Man Special Edition.

Segment 6

Johnny: The DJ Dan interview with Rachel Blake.

Dan: That's right, it's Rachel Blake, she's on the line, folks! Rachel. What's the haps?

Rachel: Not much, just running with the wedding plans. You have told your wife haven't you, Dan?

Dan: Oh-ho-ho, the wed... Honey, if you're listening, this girl's crazy, she's a crackup, I've been saying it from the beginning, I don't, don't believe a word she says.

Rachel: Don't tell me you're backing out.

Dan: Backing Out? Did I ever front in? You've got to be in to be out.

Rachel: Hm, let's see, and I quote: "I'd like to get to know her, if you know what I mean." You said that on your last show, and, what else? Oh: "She's the light of my life, my PYT, my bride to be." Sound familiar, Dan?

Dan: Not-not a word, it's lies, lies I say. I never said a single one of those.

Rachel: Oh wait, and how about "candle lit dreams?"

Dan: Hey, hey, low blow. I never said that, not until like a minute ago. Rachel, I'm so sorry, a thousand apologies, you know I'm a liberal man and I use my words liberally.

Rachel: Well, you should be careful what you say to a girl, Dan. A melliferous gold voice like yours, she might just take what you say to heart.

Dan: Oh Rachel. See folks, this is why I can't help but profess my undying love.

Rachel: I won't even mention the fact that you're old enough to be my father.

Dan: Oh, shutdown, shutdown. Oh God, always gotta push the buttons don't ya Blake? But in all seriousness, Rachel, we're thrilled to have you on the show, and we're even more thrilled you're alive and well.

Rachel: Yes well, I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be alive.

Dan: Should we get down to it? Are you ready for the Barbara Walters?

Rachel: Um, I'm as ready as I'll ever be?

Dan: 'Cause I've got questions Rachel, a lot of questions, a lot of topics, you've got a ton of supporters, and a ton of doubters.

Rachel: Really? I hadn’t noticed.

Dan: So let's start it off with an easy one. We know you're calling from an undisclosed location.

Rachel: Mm-hmm.

Dan: But honestly, where the heck are you?

Rachel: Where am I right now or where was I five minutes ago?

Dan: Are you saying you're mobile; you're on a cell phone?

Rachel: I'm saying, have you ever been chased through eight countries in 12 days?

Dan: Eight countries in 12 days, no. I mean, eight donut shops in 12 minutes, yeah. And-And which of these countries are you in right now?

Rachel: Um, to be honest, I'm not 100% sure.

Dan: Is-Is it one of the stands?

Rachel: I don't know, geography isn't really my strong suit. I think a lot of your listeners would agree with that.

Dan: Are-Are you referring to the map incident, Rachel?

Rachel: Could be.

Dan: Folks, for those of you who don't know, while she was tracking down the evil Doctor Thomas Werner Mittelwerk, the Nefarious Spider Protocol, Rachel made a little tiny mistake.

Rachel: Oh, try capital offense.

Dan: She mistook a set of maps depicting three or four islands to be a series of places on one island, an island near the equator.

Rachel: Hey Dan, last time I checked, Sri Lanka was an island near the equator. So, I was partly right.

Dan: But you were also partly wrong.

Rachel: I know, trust me, I know.

Dan: Okay, now, but some of your supporters just went bat guano crazy on you for it, didn't they?

Rachel: That's one way of saying it, I guess.

Dan: Well, Rachel, I guess the question that was on everyone's mind is this: how can she be so good at the hacking, at the Persephone stuff, and so not good at the real world Sidney Bristow, James Bond, Mission Impossible stuff?

Rachel: Ouch, um. Jeez, I don't know. It could be that I've spent that last 10 years of my life with my eyes glued to the computer monitor in my mom's house, and then the computer monitor in my dorm room, then I had this really really, Hillis Teraflop machine, badass computer in the basement of the Widmore Corporation Building. Seriously, it was badass.

Dan: You're referring to all of your, uh, computer hacker training, of course, right?

Rachel: I'm referring to the fact that I'm a geek. I mean, Ren Faire geek, not so much, but pissed off that I couldn't actually see Comic Con geek, yeah I was, you bet.

Dan: So, so, to refute a few of the theories floating around about you, you weren't genetically engineered by Hanso to be some kind of super-spy sleeper agent, am I right?

Rachel: Um, I'm going to have to go with a no on that one. I think you know this, compiling flash does not necessarily equate to street smarts, DJ Dan. If it did, I think most of the guys taking shots on me on a Friday night at midnight would probably be out with their girlfriends. You know who you are, (quietly) Matt the Pale.

Dan: Oh-ho-ho-ho. Rachel Blake shooting fireballs at one of our favorite chroniclers, takes it in the groin!

Rachel: Hey, I'm honest.

Dan: Okay, okay, so, where did you learn to hack? How did you become the socially-awkward comic book geek you are today?

Rachel: Uh, my mother was sick, the doctors were lying, and I wanted her records.

Dan: Simple as that?

Rachel: Yeah.

Dan: Kinda vague.

Rachel: Ask me another question.

Dan: No, come on what about that woman?

Rachel: No, ask me another question.

Dan: No - all right, all right, what do you think about Lost?

Rachel: It's not on my TiVo.

Dan: Oh, it's because of the orientation film, right?

Rachel: Um, No comment?

Dan: Okay, does Carlton Cuse really disgust you?

Rachel: It's become more complicated, what happened in Norway complicated things.

Dan: Okay, okay, what happened in Norway?

Rachel: (Quiet and a bit awkward) Um, not yet, okay?

Dan: Okay, okay, let's move on. How 'bout what happened at Comic Con? After you condemned the Lost panel, you, you said a lot of things, a lot of incendiary things to those people, how, how did you get out of there by the way?

Rachel: The same way I got a hold of that mic, I bribed the right people beforehand. There was a panel truck waiting for me backstage at the convention center at the loading dock. I knew Hanso's Hit Squad would be there and I was right. I lost 'em once we crossed the border into Mexico, but, I still spent three days on the beach in Guerrero Negro just to make sure the trail went cold. Um, but, I'm sorry, what were you saying?

Dan: Well, yeah, I mean, so, after your Comic Con blow-up, the very panel of Lost producers and actors, they were photographed signing autographs, right? And they were wearing these hieroglyph arm bands, all right? Your hieroglyphic wrist bands with the codes to Which side are those guys really on, Rachel?

Rachel: The truth, uh, I don't know anymore. Look, I had an insider in the Lost camp; he's the one that helped me. The wrist bands were his idea. I don't think... I don't even know if the producers had any idea what those glyphs represented until later on.

Dan: Okay, so can you tell us who this "White Knight" was?

Rachel: Ha ha, no.

Dan: Oh, come on, give us a hint at least, tell me something.

Rachel: Uh, okay. Well, how about... Uh, in all the nations, in all the world, no one is as great as this guy. No one.

Johnny: In all the nations...

Dan: Well, folks, you guys figure that one out. All right, all right, so, so, so, so, so Rachel wait, so, so these glyphs, they were for this video, they represented pieces of the video you shot in Sri Lanka, the video outing Mittelwerk's plot to kill us all.

Rachel: You mean save us all by killing 30% of us? Did that bother you, too?

Dan: Yeah, just a little, Rachel.

Rachel: Yeah, I think so. Reaching out to a Better Tomorrow, right?

Dan: So, so you went on the run with this de Zylva dude, we know the Hanso Squad is on your butt, but why oh why did you have to break the thing up into so many damn pieces?

Johnny: My relationship suffered.

Rachel: I'm sorry Johnny, by the way I enjoyed your recap.

Johnny: Oh, you've got great taste and you inspire me.

Rachel: Ha, thanks. Um.

Dan: Rachel, what happened? Why did you break it up like that?

Rachel: Well, I didn't want to break it up like that, I just, it wasn't really a choice, you know, people have died helping me: Zander, Darla, de Zylva. I had to do my best to protect the truth of what Mittelwerk was doing, but if I had sent it to one person or a group of people or put it on a website, I knew with what was in this video, I just couldn't risk peoples' lives like that. And I thought that if I put this all out at once, are people actually going to believe it, are they going to believe me? I mean, it's pretty mad scientist kinda stuff. I wanted to get people talking, get them frustrated. Bottom line, I wanted everyone watching.

Dan: Just like with the Apollo bars, right?

Rachel: Yeah, exactly.

Dan: Now, how did you pull that off, exactly?

Rachel: Oh, I'll never tell.

Dan: Okay Rach, we've warmed up, we're loose, we're vibin', now it's time to get to the real stuff. Not the hows, but the whys, Rachel, the whys. I think we all know, there's a difference between wanting to save the world and actually throwing everything you have out the window and risking your life to do it. Most people don't have that in them, the people that do, you know, they join the Peace Corps, they become missionaries, some, like me, they join the military which was, in hindsight, a mistake, but-but you went off and did this crazy, global-global hacking thing, I mean, Rachel, what you've done is amazing. Why did you do it?

Rachel: Oh, I could tell you, but I don't know that you'd believe me.

Dan: I wouldn't believe you? Why would a conspiracy DJ and his Conspiraspy audience not believe you, Rachel? You're like the Conspiraspy of the year!

Rachel: Thank you.

Dan: Come on, Rachel, just come clean. Tell us why? Is Mittelwerk really your crazy uncle, is Joop your long lost pet monkey, are you related to Alvar Hanso? People want to know! I'm getting calls, what-what happened in Norway?

Rachel: Um, when I went to Norway-Norway, sorry, um, listen. I knew the only way this would ever be done, the only way anyone would ever believe that any of this was real was for me to get it on tape and for me to get that tape to the authorities, which is what I did at the beginning of this week. Um-

Tonya: Uh, DJ Dan?

Dan: Oh God! Tonya! Great jumpin' Jehosaphat Tonya, you scared the bleamin' buckeyballs out of me! Rach-Rachel, please go on, I need to hear this.

Tonya: Wait, wait, Dan? Rachel, I'm sorry-

Dan: Wait, what is it, Tonya? What are you doing? What are you doing Tonya, what's going on?

Tonya: I'm sorry, but I've got someone on the line. Y-You can't believe what this guy is saying, you have to take this call right now.

Dan: If this is another one of these threat calls, Tonya...

Tonya: Dan, TAKE THE CALL!

Dan: Rachel, hold that thought. Caller, you're on Shutting Down the Man and if this ain't good I'm shutting you all the way down to Chinatown. Who-

Johnny: My sister, my daughter.

Dan: Yeah, yeah, great, great. Caller, go ahead.

James: Uh, hi DJ Dan. My name is James. I-I-I'll get right to the point, my friend and I, we have this little global network going on where we enjoy, eh, eavesdropping on all kinds of signals - civilian, corporate, scientific, military.

Dan: Yeah, yeah, James, I'm with ya, I'm with ya.

James: And right now, at this very moment, we are listening to - eh, eh, yeah, hold on - we are listening to an encoded, highly secure, government frequency. I-I-I don't know if it's police, or military, but-but if you'll allow me, I want to patch you through.

Dan: You want to patch us through?

James: You and Miss Blake and the rest of your Conspiraspys have to hear this.

Dan: All right, go ahead, man, patch it through right now, I mean-

James: Okay, hold on one second.

(Clears throat.)

Commander: Report.

Zulu: Zulu in position. Disable lift control?

Commander: Both, Zulu. Bravo?

Bravo: Roof line is secure.

Commander: Do you have visual on target?

Bravo: Yes sir, tenth floor.

Commander: Is that confirmed?

Bravo: It's a white coat, black pony tail.

Commander: Luda, check on the stairs.

Bravo: Wait, ninth floor now.

Commander: Ninth or tenth? Confirmed, tenth floor?

Luda: Looks like we have a staircase between lab levels nine and ten.

Commander: Personnel count on nine?

Luda: I count three, maybe four.

Commander: Armed?

Luda: Unsure. Target moving, toward the elevators.

Commander: We're moving. Bravo, hold, you've been made. Zulu, cut power.

Zulu: Cutting.

Commander: Alpha - go, go, go. Bravo - take nine. I've got ten.

(Sound of marching in the background.)

Commander: Zulu?

Zulu: Power cut.

Commander: Then why am I seeing lights?

Bravo: They've got auxilliary.

Operative: Freeze!

(Gunfire and a whole lot of screaming)

Operative: Get down! Stay down!

Johnny: Not a sound effect.

Operative: Get down! Get down!

Operative: Behind you, behind you!

Operative: I see him! South corridor.

(Sound of footsteps)

Tonya: Dan?

Operative: Ninth clear.

Bravo: Got 'im cornered in an office, barracaded.

Dan: Who the heck are the officers?

Luda: We need the ram.

(Door knocking down)

Operative: Hands behind your back, face to the floor.

Zulu: We got 'im!

Operative: No, that's not gonna work.

Luda: He's a lookalike.

Dan: Mittelwerk?

Luda: Repeat - he's a decoy! Our target's still loose.

Zulu: Where is he?

Mittelwerk (recorded): Gentlemen - I'm sorry to have to do this.

Luda: We got a radio over here.

Mittelwerk: I can't have my work compromised. You should run.

Bravo: The place is wired! Go, go, go!

Mittelwerk: Namaste.


Dan: Oh God. Oh, hello? Can, are, I-I-I, it sounds like, oh my God, it's like...

Rachel: Oh-Oh my God.

Dan: Rachel, that was, that was, that was the authorities, they were at the Hanso - that sounded like Thomas Werner Mittelwerk.

Rachel: Yeah.

Dan: Oh my God, ah, Rachel, is this because of the video you shot? Is this because of... Oh my God! Rach-Rachel! Rachel, the world needs to know what's going on here, you need to tell us what's happening.

Rachel: Okay, if you guys want to know the whole truth, you will go to in five minutes. (Note: Video has been moved off site, but is still available on YouTube.) It's all there, everything.

Dan: We're-we're gonna get him, Rachel, Mittelwerk... Folks, this is incredible - Mittelwerk appears to have escaped from a raid trying to find him, he's blown up the Hanso Foundation building. Rachel, we're gonna get him, we're gonna get this guy, and you know it's thanks to you, right?

Rachel: Okay, thank you, I gotta go. I gotta go, bye!

Dan: No, Rachel, wait, no, don't... Folks, this is, this is amazing, I mean, I, we were in there, we were listening to the raid on, on the Hanso Foundation and, Mittelwerk appears to have blown the place... I don't know how many, how many, how many soldiers - or were they police officers, Interpol? I-I, folks, I-I don't know what was going on there, but you have got to go to Rachel has some very important information that she has to impart on you folks, and, ah, this is just spectacular - I've-I've never seen the like, a-a-a live raid on the Hanso Foundation, this is beyond what even I and my Conspiraspies could have ever imagined, folks. Um. You know what, I think you should all go to I'm going to sign off, we're going to go off the air, folks, because right now it's just time for the truth and I think you all need to go there to check it out. So folks, this is DJ Dan, Shutting Down the Man. Johnny, give us something out.

(Closing music)

Johnny: You've been listening to the DJ Dan Show: Shutting Down the Man on - Music, More, Anytime. Your internet radio provider,

Dan:, folks, go there for the truth.

Johnny: Tune in now.

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