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Disclaimer: These transcripts are intended for educational and promotional purposes only, and may not be reproduced commercially without permission from ABC. They represent one viewer's secondhand experience of ABC's LOST (executive producers J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof), and have no connection with ABC television or its affiliates.
D= DJ Dan
C#= Callers 1-?
A: Coming to you live from the Astral Plain... [DJ DAN JINGLE] You're Listening to DJ Dan, shutting down The Man.
D: Ok ok ok, so my little Conspiraspies, look into this one. There's something rotten in the state that used to be part of Denmark. I'm talkin' Iceland. I'm talkin' what's become the hottest nightlife destination north of the equator. I'm talkin' the South Beach of the North Atlantic. Hey, as far as my wife knows, I've never been to Iceland. Ya know what I mean? Heh, I think you do. Now,if you know anything about Iceland, you know they barely have a police force. And why? These people have no idea what crime is. I mean they let Bjork walk the streets. Right Tanya, you like Bjork?
T: Wait, wait, wait. Was she in her duck outfit?
D: [Laughing] That aside, trust me, they've got there share of crimes. It's goin' on right under their noses, and nobody is doing anything about it. Well, I'm here to change that. I'm here to talk about the unreported crimes of Iceland's own Vik Institute. A mental hospital funded by none other than [Voiceover: DUNNN DUNNN DUNNN THE HANSO FOUNDATION (EVIL LAUGH)] Yup. The Hanso Foundation. These are the guys. You see 'em on TV. They're building a bridge to a glowing future of peace. They're harnessing the atom to give us nuclear genius children. You get it. They're the ultra sick society of researchers started by this Alvar Hanso. Who used to make machines of war and apparently got hit with a case of the guilty garrison and decided, "Hey, I'm gonna start a-new". But you know what they say about leopards. They'll bite you on the neck. Or is that white tigers? I dunno. Point being, what is going on at the Vik Institute? No one really knows. But thanks to the work of a hacker known as Persephone, we're starting to get a picture. We've got a disgruntled head of the hospital, Dr. Armand Zander, who sends a letter to Dr. Thomas Verner Mittleverk, Alvar Hanso's pitbull, demanding to know what's going on in his own facility. Go the Hanso site right now and check the hack in the mental health appeal. It will blow your mind. Right off the bat, Zander calls himself a prisoner in a hall of mirrors. And he goes on to talk about autistic savant patients being administered secret proprietary memory tests. I mean just what is going on? I don't know, but I say we shut 'em down. Marissa from Trenton, go ahead.
C1: Hey Dj Danny. What if The Hanso Foundation really isn't up to anything at all?
D: SHUT DOWN! COME ON PEOPLE! I'm reading off the darned website. Jorge from Portland, how is that microbrew?
C2: Hey, it's all gone DJ Dan. Hey, and I'm on the page right now, um I'm wondering uh, what's autistic uh, what's autistic savant again?
D: Well, uh, it varies, but a lot of times, they're like, uh, they're like human calculators. You uh, you ever uh, seen Rain Man, Jorge?
Dan: You tryin' to be cute, Jorge?
C2: Yeah, hehehehehe, yeah.
D: SHUTDOWN! Tanya, are you even screening these calls?
T: [Automated-sounding] Screening the calls.
D: Oh, come on Tanya, not you too. Heh, OK. You're getting back at me for telling your age on the air last week aren't you?
T: Screening the calls.
D: I, I said you were a young thirty. Tom from Orlando, bring me the magic.
C3: Heeey, DJ Daaan. [Stoned laugh] So, I think I've got it figured out.
D: Yeah, do tell.
C3: Well, well, I, I was just imagining, if I was Mittelwerk, and I'm calculating top secret stuff...
D: Yeah, like, like what?
C3: I dunno, like, like nuclear fusion. [Bong hit sound]
D: [Laugh] Alright, get on with it, come on.
C3: I'm calculating nuclear fusion, and I've got a history of getting in trouble, so the one thing I don't want to have is a, a data record, but uh...
D: Ok, so what you're saying here is, is you don't use a computer at all?
C3: Exaaactly [Laugh] I'd do it in my head. Or, or, or as the case with the Vik Institute, I'd get the autistic savants to do it in their head.
D: Yeah, but the thing is with autistic savants, you, you can never really know that they are capable of doing that, see? So...
C3: So I give them proprietary memory tests.
D: Tom, nice, I LIKE IT! And I'm givin' your refer stinkin' ass Conspiraspy of the Month! D'ya hear that, Tanya?
[Tom laughing in background and saying YEAH!! Laughter]
T: [Automated-sounding] Conspiraspy of the Month.
D: Uh, can, can we sign up Tom as the Conspiraspy of the Month?
T: Conspiraspy of the Month.
D: Tanya, please, are you really that mad at me?
T: Conspiraspy of the month.
D: Yeah, yeah, OK, it looks like the inmates are running the asylum, folks. DJ Dan, be right back...
A: You're listening to DJ Dan, shutting down The Man.