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DJ Dan August 11, 2006 live podcast transcript/Part 2

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Characters:   Rachel Blake · Alvar Hanso · Thomas Mittelwerk · DJ Dan · William Kilpatrick · Malick · Other...
Themes: Hanso Foundation · DHARMA · Valenzetti Equation · Sri Lanka Video · Apollo Candy · Other...


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Transcript of DJ Dan Live Broadcast from August 11

continued from Part 1

Broken into segments for ease of editing

Segment 4

Johnny: Coming to you live, DJ Dan.

(VERIZON BROADBAND ADVERTIZEMENT)

Johnny: From the Headless Horseman’s pumpkin, it’s Shutting down The Man with DJ Dan! Call him now at 800-942-4704. And now… DJ Dan!

Dan: Folks, it’s true, when DJ Dan recorded that spot for Verizon, he had a nasty, nasty head cold. That’s right folks, you heard it here first. Trivia, behind the scenes, that’s what we do here…But folks! Before we go to take your calls at our 800 number, I’d like to do, I’d like to do, a little something that Johnny, not me… Johnny likes to call..

Johnny: CONSPIRACIES! Scam or hoax?

Dan: Conspiracies, scam or hoax… Tonya…

Tonya: Hmm, conspiracy.

Dan: Really? Hmm, how bout that? Why don’t you shoot me and I’ll tell you how it ends! [Chuckle]

Tonya: The Kennedy assassination.

Dan: Conspiracy! It was really the Kennedy suicide, folks. Everybody knows this, he shot himself, watch the knoll, folks… gimme another one…

Tonya: Low carb diets.

Dan: Scam! Stay warm for the winter…buy my book, The Donut Diet, 30 Days to a Fatter You.

Tonya: Hey, Hey we’re the Monkees!

Dan: Conspiracy! Everybody knows that title sequence had more to it than they were letting on. It wasn’t just comedy, folks. Mickey was Davey, Davey was Peter, Peter was Larry and Ronny was Mickey. You heard it here first. All part of the US government SubSaharan name swap fiasco of ’66. Tonya, shoot me with another one…

Tonya: Ich bin ein Berliner…

Dan: SCAM. That was a scam perpetrated to cover another Kennedy conspiracy. But you know what? Leads me right into…

Johnny: The Donut of the Day.

Dan: Ah yes, The Donut of the Day. Ask yourself this, Conspiraspies. Are you feeling down? Low energy? Is that yellow, fizzy beverage with the massive sugar kick no longer doing the job of keeping you awake during those long hours of scouring the interweb for evidence of The Man’s crimes against the world? Let me tell you, friends. You’re just like me. I was right where you are now. Years back, that is, until I discovered the delectable delight of DONUTS. That’s right, Conspiraspies, I’m talking about the world’s favorite old school snack. Nothing but carbs and fat FRIED UP. At 190 degrees Celsius, and glazed, iced, sprinkled, rolled or filled with the confection of your choice. Tonya likes hers with chopped liver in her donuts.

Tonya: It’s true.

Dan: Yeah, to each their own. Even you. Now, if you know anything about me--

Johnny: Disgusting.

Dan: That’s right, not only disgusting, it’s also repugnant, or as Johnny likes to say—

Johnny: Repugnant.

Dan: Now, if you know anything about me, it’s the powdered cake donuts that have held the spot nearest and dearest to my heart. BUT, in the interest of the international community—we’re talking Unicef here, folks—in order to bring you all together, we give you another installment of:

Johnny: Donut of the Day.

Dan: Now, let’s see, today’s donut… Guys, can we have a little cheer for the donuts?

(cheering, clapping, train whistle)

Dan: That guy over there, that’s actually Louis, the DJ Dan roadie. He brought us here… He actually makes it possible for us to broadcast from an entirely different location each week. He takes some hours to carry that equipment around. Folks! Today’s donut, the Berliner, hails all the way from Sunny Germany, and is intimately tied to that very phrase I was just discussing, “Ich bin ein Berliner”. You see, in a speech Kennedy gave in June 23, 1963 in West Berlin to illustrate the United States’ solidarity with the newly walled-off Berlin, many believe that Kennedy made a little translation error, and many believe erroneously that he said “I am a jelly donut”. A little more about said donut: known in Berlin as the “feinkuchen", the Berliner, AKA, the Bismarck is a solid, ovular mass, usually filled with jam. And, man, MM, YUM, OH LORD, Oh! I’m Sally in that movie! Now, despite all the jokes you’ve heard, the whole bit about Kennedy telling the citizens of Berlin, “Ich bin ein Berliner” or “I am a jelly donut”? It was not a mistake, folks. That whole thing is a scam. In reality, Kennedy’s speech was part of a conspiracy. I think we all know in the United States, there’s a tremendously, vastly powerful confectioner’s and baker’s lobby. Folks, how do you think Kennedy got elected, ok? That’s what I’m talking about. He had backing, it was from these people. And that, my friends, was the first ever known, uh, known incident of presidential product placement. You heard it here first. I am a Berliner. I am donut. I am a jelly donut.

Johnny: The Fonfcofkin (messing up name) Foundation!

Dan: My sworn nemesis.

Johnny: The Hanso Foundation.

Dan: I was hoping you were gonna say the donut name, my friend. You know what? Let’s try that again, folks. My sworn nemesis:

Johnny: The Fonfcof—(cracking up) One more time…

Dan: Let’s try that one more time…

Johnny: The Fonfoo—(cracking up, everyone laughing)

Dan: Folks, folks, I think Johnny hit that uh, that Vat 90 a little too hard before the show, because he’s just LIT! (laughing) I’ve never seen anything like this, it’s been a long time, man. I don’t know what happened here, you’re like Dan Rather on election night.

Tonya: John, you’re cut off.

Dan: That’s right. Louis, take that bottle away from Johnny, it’s killing me…(all laughing) Folks, I think we need to do a phone call.

Tonya: Line 4, we’ve got Congested from NYC.

Dan: Are you actually congested? You’re live with DJ Dan…

Congested: Why yes, I actually am, I took the day off from work today…

Dan: I see, I actually thought you were stuck in traffic, but that’s an LA joke… (laughing) Folks! Congested

Congested: No, no car… So yeah yeah, Dan, what are your thoughts on nanotechnology, ([inaudible:]and can it be used to spread diseases?)

Dan: My thoughts on nanotechnology? I’ll tell you what I think about nanotechnology. First of all, nanotechnology is a SCAM!! It is a hoax, the idea of thousands of microscopic robots? It’s like something out of a show on UPN… I don’t know about this nanotechnology… I don’t believe that it exists… but you know what, if this nanotechnology exists (which I don’t think it does), I don’t think there’s such a thing as nanotechnology. I sure as hell don’t think you’re going to be seeing it on your television screens anytime around September of this year. I’m shutting down this call—SHUT DOWN. Alright, alright, let’s talk about stuff that’s real, let’s talk about something better than nanotechnology. What do we have here on the phone?

Tonya: We’ve got Christian, on line 9.

Dan: Did you say Christian, or question?

Tonya: I said Christian, from St. Louis.

Dan: From St Loueeee. Christian, you’re on live with DJ Dan.

Christian: Dan, I’ve got a question for you.

Dan: Thank God!

Christian: Yeah, tell me about it. What do you think of the rumors that Enzo Valenzetti himself may still be alive and well?

Dan: Well, it’s interesting that you bring that up. I mean—do you think Valenzetti’s alive?

Christian: It’s possible. I mean, no one saw him die, no one saw him take a bullet.

Dan: It’s very interesting, because Valenzetti has more death stories surrounding him than—I mean, I don’t know who. He’s like the Enrico Caruso of enigmatic Italian mathematicians. Let me tell you about Valenzetti, ok, Valenzetti in the 60s was rumored to have died in a plane crash, alright. In a series—He filed no flight plans, right? And somewhere over the Alpinees, boom, he’s dead, am I right?

Christian: You’re right.

Dan: However, fewer people know that there’s a theory that he died in the 1970s of leukemia. That’s right, and there’s another theory that in the 1980s, he was caught in the wheels of his combine in his farm on the Swiss Alps. So it’s quite possible that he’s still alive. In fact, the other conspiracy theory on Valenzetti is that he is still alive and he is working for the Italian government. What do you think of that?

Christian: Um, I haven’t heard that one before, that’s interesting…

Dan: You never heard that—The thing is, the Italian government put a gag order on every one of Enzo Valenzetti’s personal papers, they have actually have not let them out—so, I generally believe that Enzo Valenzetti at the ripe old age of 80-God-knows-how-many-years-old-he-is is sitting in some classroom in Italy, writing on a whiteboard, figuring out stuff like the end of the world, which I don’t know what they do with it… hell, if I dunno what I’d do if I knew when the end of the world is, I’d probably just get a lot of donuts…that’s what I would do, just me, and a bunch of Berliners. That’s right. Me in a wall bunker with donuts. That’s me, You know what… thank you for your call… You know what? Now that we’ve talked a little about Valenzetti, everyone knows that Valenzetti is somehow linked with my sworn nemesis:

(Digitalized “The Hanso Foundation” voice)

Dan: Folks, it is just high tech night here at DJ Dan, that’s what I’m talking about… Let’s talk about, let’s talk about this Sri Lanka video that’s making the rounds… cuz I find this very interesting. I mean, I want your calls. I want to hear about this Sri Lanka video. If you’ve got comments about this Sri Lanka Video, call me 800-942-4704. There’s glyphs, there’s fragments, they’re out there, I want to hear what you think about it. I mean, I’m finding this really fascinating, and the fact that the DHARMA acronym stands for Department of Heuristics and Application into Materials Research (messes up acronym) and the fact that the Valenzetti Equation—and look, frankly, it’s just as likely that Valenzetti was caught in the wheels of his combine on his family farm in the Swiss Alps. I’m not going to say that’s true, but that’s the one I like best, because it warms my heart. Folks, Mittelwerk, in this video, Thomas Werner Mittelwerk the chief technologist of my sworn enemy:

Johnny: (Ghoulish voice) The Hanso Foundation

Dan: …says that they have to stick to their story. What is this story? I want to know what is the story about? And what is that logo in the top of the film? Like you’re watching the beginning of the film. It looks sort of like a Berliner, and then like a sort of munchkin next to it… you know, the little donut holes. But that’s me, I’m sure it’s not what it means, folks. Mr. Beardy, who is he? Some people think he’s Alvar Hanso, some people think he’s too soft around the chin to be Alvar Hanso…who is he? Do we know? And the Vik Institute has verified a figure. What kind of figure is that? Folks, I don’t think we’re talking about Elle “The Body” Macpherson here, ok. There is a figure out there that is known to no one out there except The Hanso Foundation and the Vik Institute. What is this figure. Folks, I want to hear your calls 800-942-4704. And, before we do that, a lot of people sent me emails this week, I want to answer some of them. Let’s go to another session of:

Johnny: DJ Dan’s Mailbag.

Dan: That’s right. Danny’s got a brand new bag! Di-di-di-di-di! OWW! Alright folks, DJ Dan Mailbag, whataya got?

Tonya: From Sean…

Dan: From Sean. (Sean Connery voice) Sean. We have an email from Sean…

Tonya: (continuing to read Email) "For what reasons were the US government of the late 60's experimenting with the effects of barbershop music on...

Dan: Actually, this probably the most serious thing I'll say, ah, during this Podcast: Everybody knows that, ah, harmonies have a, ah, harmonic effect on the frequencies of the brain and they can be used exclusively for mind control. That's what MK-Ultra was about, you heard LSD, that's wrong. It's really about barbershop quartets, folks, frilly shirts and vests, that's what the CIA was about during the 60's, you heard it here first.What else you got?

Tonya: From Sean again..

Dan: (Sean Connery voice) Sean..

Tonya: "Are the following people really dead:"

Dan: Uh huh, ready.

Tonya: "Bruce Lee"

Dan: Uhhhh, dead

Tonya: "Elvis Presley"

Dan: Still alive. I had breakfast with him about 4 days ago, he looks great, he's on his own.

Tonya: Wow

Dan: Yeah

Tonya: Alright, "JFK"

Dan: Uhhhh, like I said, "The Kennedy Suicide". How many times do I have to repeat this, folks!? Who else do we got?

Tonya: "Gary Troup"

Dan: Uhhhh, sadly Gary Troup dead in that true life narrative Bad Twin. I think we all understand that he died, he sent the book over, we're reading the book. It says in the book he's dead and, as you know as I do, I believe everything that is printed.What else do we got?

Tonya: "Paul McCartney"

Dan: Uhhhh, Paul is dead.

Tonya: Oh, alright

Dan: Yeah, sorry to hear that, it was horrible, I saw it, it was terrible, I was there.

Tonya: How about "Hugh McIntyre"?

Dan: Hugh Mcint-ah man, Hugh. Geez, can we have a moment of silence for Hugh? Lets have a moment of silence for Hugh. You know what?! Lets, can we please have a little dead air for Hugh Mcintyre.

(1-2 seconds of silence)

Dan: Horrible what happened to that man, but you know what?! He turned it around, became a good man at the end. We feel really bad for Hugh McIntyre. You know what?! I'm shutting Down this mailbag! Shutting down the mailbag! SHUTDOWN!

Tonya: Alright.

Dan: Alright folks, we shutdown the mailbag. I had enough of this "dead, living, dead, living". It's depressing.Ok, ah, s-s-so before we take the next call, I'd like to talk about something that is very dear to my heart, it's called...

Johnny: You Can't Buy IT.

Dan: That's right folks, "You Can't Buy IT". These are items that are sitting in the government archives, next to the Ark of the Covenant, folks. They are sitting in the government archives with the lost ark. The government doesn't want you to have these things, ok folks? What are they! "The Inexhaustible Light bulb": Folks, everybody knows there is a light bulb that was made in the 1900's that is still burning. So what happened? Why did Thomas Edison take so long to perfect the light bulb? I'll tell you what: He wasn't perfecting the light bulb, He was perfecting a light bulb that would burn out soon enough that you would have to buy more light bulbs!

Johnny: You Can't Buy It!

Dan: You Can't Buy IT!

Johnny: You Can't Buy It!

Dan: That's right, folks. "The Perpetual Motion Car" That's right, there is such a thing and I think you've all heard story and if you haven't, then let me tell you the story ok: Little old lady, 65-years-old, recently retired, husband's dead, kids are out of the house. She says "I'm gonna buy myself a sports car." That's what she says, so she goes to her nearest sports car dealership and she picks out the sportiest little car she can find in the dealership, takes it home. 6 months she drives this car, doesn't change the oil once, doesn't fill the tank up once. Folks, its not an electric car, she doesn't plug this car in, she just drives it for six months without ever going to the gas station, alright? Six months go by, she thinks "Hey! you know what, I haven't changed the oil or put new gas in the car, maybe there's something wrong with the car? I'm gonna take it back to the dealership." She goes there and everyone receives her as a hero. They go "Lady! This is fantastic! Thanks for bringing the car back! You can have any car in the lot!". She drives out in a brand-spanking new Cadillac. That night, she tells her son what she's done. Folks, the son goes "OH MY GOD, Mother! What have you done! Six months no gas!" They go back to the dealership, the dealership is GONE! The guy who sold her the car is DEAD! The car dealership is gone, burned to the ground! Folks, that's the Man! That's how they take it away from you! You can't buy it!

Johnny: Cannot buy it.

Dan: You cannot buy it.

Johnny: Never

Dan: No, that's right folks. "The Magnetic-Floating Bed" Ah, never mind about that. uh, "Permanent Self-Tanner" folks, that's in the government archives with the ark of the covenant, based on years of experimentation by George Hamilton. "Un-Soggable Shredded Wheat" folks. that's right, they got it, it stays crispy, they don't want you to have it.

Johnny: No Can Buy-o.

(Tonya laughing)

Dan; that's right, The "Never-Melt Ice cubes", (laughing) you can't buy that either, folks.

Johnny: Nope

Dan: And Finally, "The World Dictator Facial Hair Fun Kit". NOPE! Too dangerous, folks.

Johnny: Can Not Buy IT

Dan: You can't buy this stuff, folks! I feel like taking a call. I feel like taking a call! Tonya, give me a call!

Tonya: Line 7, David from Dallas, Texas.

Dan. David from Dallas, Texas. David, are you there?

David: Yes., this is David.

Dan: Excellent. David,uh, your from from Dallas?

David: Yes.

Dan: I'm CLAIRVOYANT, folks! Can i get a witness!

(Tonya laughs)

Johnny: Testify.

Dan: That's Right. David, what do you got for me?

David: Uh, hey DJ Dan I wa- I'm enjoying the show and I was wondering if you listen to any other pod casts or shows about the Hanso Foundation?

Dan: Uh, actually, I have to stay pure, my friend. That is one of the great things about being DJ Dan, you know? This stuff just comes to me from the ether! I could listen to a lot of other people and other theories, but the fact is: I get it all, I hunt it down, I bring it right back to you. I don't get it from other people. You're getting straight from the cranium of DJ Dan and not from the clutches of my sworn nemeses...

Johnny: The Hanso Foundation.

Dan: Now tell me, David, are there pod casts that you like? Are there anybody that you want to..you know what, I'm going to let you pl- I don't let people plug on this show, but you, you can plug on my show. Who do you want to plug?

David: Hey, I just want to say that, uh, you know there's a great website out there called SaveJoop.com. I would love to hear Johnny say "Save Joop" one time....

Dan: (Talking over David) You know what, we live, we- Joop should be saved. I believe in SaveJoop.com, I have seen that website cause I'm on teh internets, my friend.(Tonya laughs) Johnny, can you give it to us!.

Johnny: Save Joop at www.SaveJoop.com!

Dan: Folks...

David: (Interrupting) Alright, Johnny, thanks a lot. I'd also like to say that there is another podcast that's hunting down....

Dan: (talking over David) No no no no, you just get the one plug, I'm gonna shut- SHUTDOWN!

David: Alright.

Johnny: One plug limit

(Tonya laughs)

Dan: That's right, you can only show one thing here at DJ Dan, ok. Now, I love Save Joop as much as the next guy. He's my favorite 105-year-old Orangutan and I want him saved. I want him saved as I want to be redeemed myself, can I get a witness?

Unrecognizable voice: (inaudible)

Tonya: Witness!

Dan: That's right, folks, but i got to tell you, you only get one plug here at DJ Dan..at DJ Dan, ok folks? That's all I'm gonna say about that. We're gonna take another call before we go to another song. What do we got?

Tonya: We got Line 4.

Dan: Uh, yes (laughs) I know we have a line 4, but who's on it?

(laughs heard)

Tonya: Wish Resigned from Springfield.

Dan: (over Tonya) Wish Resigned, wow.

Wish Resigned: Hey!

Dan: Is this Wish Resigned from Springfield?

Wish Resigned: Yes it is.

Dan: Uh, Wish, why is your name Wish Resigned? What's up with that?

Wish Resigned:Well, that actually a screen name on The Fuselage.

Dan: Ooooooh, you're a fan of that insidious television show Lost! The one that shows from my sworn enemy...

Johnny: (Chopped up whispering) The Hanso Foundation.

Wish Resigned: (Talking While Johhny is talking) I didn't say I was a fan, I said...(inaudible)

Dan: Wo wo wo wo, you can't cut Johnny off.

(Tonya and Wish Resigned laughing)

Dan: You just...(high-pitch)Oh my god...

Johnny: Springfield is testing my patience

Wish Resigned: Dude I'm sorry...

Dan: Dude, we're going to try that one more time, and if you, if you...

Johnny: My air time

Dan: I'm gonna, I'm gonna have to shut you down.Ok, lets try that again. Ready, ok.Uh, can you take a deep cleansing breath with us please.

(Everyone takes a deep breath and exhales)

Dan: There it goes, my sworn nemeses...

Johnny: The Hanso Foundation

Dan: You know, Johnny, you looked freaking(?) mad. It's like , it's like he took it, it took it out you, didn't he?

(Tonya Laughs)

Johnny: Which Springfield?

Dan: Ohhhh my god, I'm so sorry, look what you've done to Johhny. You know, you better ask your question quickly cause I don't know how long this is going to last.

Johnny: I want his address.

Wish Resigned: Alright, alright. My question for you, DJ Dan, is this: on the Fuselage, we're talking about the hanso exposed website. The glyphs, the movies and stuff...

Dan: Yeah, we know all about this, the movies, the glyphs...

Wish Resigned: ...in the number, there's a missing glyph, glyph number 29,...

Dan: Oh

Wish Resigned: ...and I know that your connected with community(?), maybe you could give us a hint of where to find it.

Dan: You know what, I'm already giving you hints to where your going to find at least one glyph. You're gonna get more hints tonight, i'm gonna have to shut you down. SHUTDOWN!

Wish Resigned: Nooooo....

Dan: Folks, DJ Dan is giving you the straight proof, I'm giving you information, you're gonna be getting it, at least one glyph. You're gonna know where to find it after this broadcast is done. I've already told you its in a major American metropolis. I've already told you it gonna be in a very public place, and I've already told you it's not gonna be on teh internets, ok, but I feel like taking another call before we go to another song. Who we have, Tonya?

Tonya: On line 2, We've got Brian from the OC

Dan: Wow, that's how we do it in the OC, bitch. Brian! You there!

Brian: Yes I am.

Dan: Alright, awesome. Are you sick and tired of hearing that line?

Brian: Uh, yes I am.

Dan: Yeah, Me too. Ok, well, let's hear that question, what you got for me?

Brian: Hey, um, I was actually wanting to know, um, on one of your earlier pod casts you had bee, uh, received a threatening call from the Hanso Foundation.

Dan: Oh yeah, that little Troll, yeah, what about that?

Brian: Well, uh, I wanted to know...

Dan:(interrupting) And I want to say that actually, but there is no, there is no...the one thing people track down... is prove that that guy is from the Hanso Foundation. Now, here's the thing, I have seen those guys in their little lime-colored overcoats, hanging out around my studio on occasion, but I don't know that guy was even from the Hanso foundation, but it was frightening that he knew the color of my Jeep, that's all I'm saying.

Brian: Yeah...

Johnny: He has no neck

(Dan and Tonya laugh)

Brian: Well, I was just wandering about the situation..

Dan: Well, like I said, what happened was that guy threatened me on the line, I shut him down, 'kay, however, um, soon thereafter I found myself being stalked by members of the Hanso Foundation and you can tell by those lime green overcoats all over the damn place, okay? Anyway, we went underground and, as I explained in a big monologue that was actually written down for me earlier this week, uh, we went out, we were out there, getting into adventures, we were out there in the underground. That's why you didn't see pod casts for a while, man, I was running away from the foundation. Look, they may be tracking down the studio right now and I'm sitting here telling you stuff I said thirty min- No! SHUTDOWN! Folks, DJ Dan does not like to repeat himself. You know what, we're gonna go to another song and we're gonna be right back taking your calls, 1-800-942-4704, shutting down the man.

["Redemption Song" by Bob Marley Plays]

DJ DAN!!!

(Monster.com advertisement)

DJ DAN!!!

Segment 5

Johnny: From the inner ring in farmer Gray's crop circle, it's shutting down the man once again, everybody loves him, DJ Dan.

Dan: Folks, I am indeed DJ Dan. Here's my question: when you post your resume on Monster.com, is that a nanotechnology monster?! Ooooooh! I'm so scared.It's frightening. Oh God. It's a monster made out of nanites. Folks, folks, you know what, um, I'm sorry, you know, I'm DJ Dan shutting down the man and I got to tell you, when I think about shutting down the man, I think of a little of, uh, a little bit, a little thing that I have that I like to call!....

Johnny: Random acts of shutdown

Dan: That's right, folks, random acts of shutdown, possibly my favorite segment in the world. Heck, I would even shut myself down if it wouldn't cause rips in the space-time continuum. Schro-...Schrodinger's cat, folks. Schrodinger's cat. Time cop, folks. Rent it, watch it, learn the splits, alright? Guys, if your fans of mine, which I know you are, then you know the drill. Random acts of shutdown, caller to last the longest wins, and you all know the rules. As crater(?) faces the distant thunder road, The only rules, is that there are no rules. Caller 1!

Tonya: Wait! Wait.

Dan: What?

Tonya: Dan, hang on a sec.

Dan: What, what is it dear Tonya.

Tonya: Dan, we've got a...

Dan: SHUTDOWN! I told you Tonya, no rules.

Tonya: i see that.

Dan: Yeah, ok, what do you got?

Tonya: Dan I've got a caller says this is urgent, and he’s got a really, really weird voice.

Dan: Oh, maybe it's that Javier Grillo-Marxuach guy, ever hear that guy talk, it's like walking into a helium factory. Gravy grilled, uh, go ahead.

Malik: Hello, g'day Dan. Sorry to interrupt; I've got a very important message for Rachel.

Dan: You know you sound very familiar. uh, your talking about Rachel like, uh,

Malik: Rachel Blake, Persephone, Rachel. I think you know who she is.

Dan: Yeah I do know. You know, you sound just like the guy in her video blog...

Malik: Rachel...

Tonya: Um, Malik?

Malik: Rachel...

Tonya: Malik?

Dan: Malik? From the Vi-

Malik: Rachel, are you, I pray you're listening. That piece of paper I handed you had contact information for me, you need to get in touch.

Dan: I think he's just going to talk over us.

Dan: I think he's talking to Rachel.

Tonya: Malik, is this-

Malik: Very- listen very carefully to what I have to say, I've used a cipher I indicated beneath the contact information.

Dan: There's a cipher?

Malik: I think it's appropriate considering the controversy raging around you.

Dan: Tonya, I this is spectacular, this is the guy from the-

Malik: Here's, here's the message.

Tonya: Can you just say, are you Malik?

Malik: 240

Dan: 240?

Malik: 249

Dan 249?

Malik: 68

Tonya: Alright, I'm writing this down, Dan.

Dan: Write this down.

Malik: 61, 37, 118

Dan: This is spectacular, I've never s-

Malik: 75

Dan: It must be like some sort of cipher or something.

Malik: 233, 231

Dan: Are you getting that Tonya?

Malik: 150

Tonya: Yeah, yeah but-

Malik: 36

Dan: Maybe it's like Bible code or something.

Malik: 184, 184

Tonya: It's like Morse, but with numbers.

Malik: Excuse me..

Dan: Yeah.

Malik: Excuse me! After 36, it was 184.

Dan: Wow.

Malik: 157

Tonya: I'm following you.

Malik: 51, 144

Dan: 144

Malik: 180

Dan: 180

Malik: 253

Dan: This is incredible.

Malik: 50

Dan: Oh my God.

Malik: 173, 30, 222,

Tonya: Is he gonna tell us what that means?

Malik: 192, 13, 82 and 1

Dan: Alright, that, that- is that the message?

Malik: That's all.

Dan: Wha, wha, what does it mean? What, I mean, what kind of a code is it? What is this?

Malik: I'm sorry Rachel, this is Malik. I can't explain, there's nothing i can say, anymore than that-

Dan: SHUT DOWN.

Tonya: Dan! Why did you do that?

Dan: Oh, uh, I'm sorry Tonya. It's random acts of shutdown right? That's the shtick, isnt it? I gotta shut the guy down, when he's giving the really important message.

Tonya: How are we gonna find out the message?

Dan: Ok, folks. Let's just take a call right now, cause that was really spooky folks. I hope you got all those numbers down cause that sounded important to me.

Tonya: Oh man.

Dan: I'm sorry, Tonya. Okay, so no doughnuts for me is that what we're talking about?

Tonya: Pfft.

Dan: Folks let's uh, let's, let's, let's take another call, 'cause that was just spooky, he sounded like Darth Vader, there's some guy breathing heavy. I dont't know he sounded like that guy in the video blog, he really did.

Tonya: I, I really think it was that guy Malik.

Dan: I think it was. IT, I'm being stalked by IT, that guy, I'm telling you. You know what, let's take, I want to hear a call. 1-800-942-4704, and before we take this call, Johnny's going to say somthing here, hes going to give you the name of the company thats brodcasting me illegally tonight.

Johnny: Harvest, (laugh) Har-, uh, (laughing)

Dan: Alright, Johnny has fallen off his chair folks, this is horrific.(laughs)

Johnny: Radio Harvest, your internet radio.

Dan: Yeah, off-book he doesn't do well folks. On the book, he's fantastic, he literally sits on the thing. It's incredible.

Tonya: I promise we took the juice away a while ago.

Dan: I know, I know. When he's on book hes 5 inches taller, it's amazing. Okay. (laugh) Ok we're going to some of your calls.

(laughing all around)

Johnny: Laugh it up, fuzzball.

Dan: Hey hey hey, no, this on goes here, that one goes there (Star Wars reference). Folks! Alright folks. We're gonna, we're gonna take another call. Who do we got Tonya?

Tonya: Line 7, we've got Aaron from Baton Rouge.

Dan: Aaron from Baton Rouge, are you on?

Aaron: Yes.

Dan: Alright, so uh, you, you, you ask, I answer. Let's hear it.

Aaron: Well, I was wondering, what do we know about this island? I mean, Rachel got there, she videotaped something, she obviously got back safe. Did she come back on the same quarantined ship that go there? Why is is quarantined? What are we, what are we-

Dan: What, ok, What are we, what are we talk- Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, the ship is quarantined? I mean look, look, my feeling is, in the quarrantine areas, they probably have the people from the Vik Institute right? I mean if you had a bunch of savants running an equation you probably want to take them where ever you go. They're very entertaining savants, you know like, "Yeah, Valenzetti Equation, Valenzetti equation, yeah, yeah, Yeah Valenzetti equation, yeah"

Aaron: -- (undecipherable) -- make it out in time?

Dan: Uh, make it out, what do you mean? Did Rachel make it. I think, you know Rachel is out there. If she hadn't made it out on time she wouldn't have been at Comic Con, she wouldn't be putting glyphs out there okay. Rachel is ok, Rachel is good, Rachel is alive. But she's underground and she has no phone number folks. I don't have it you dont have it. What, I mean, what do think, what do you think happened, happedned on the island? What's your take on that?

Aaron: Well, I mean, we know it's something with this Valenzetti and that equation. Are they just, did they move their institute? Were they getting too much heat, maybe in Iceland? Um -

Dan: Ha ha ha. Were they getting too much heat in Iceland? I don't think they were getting any heat in Iceland at all folks. But, seriously, the thing about my sworn nemesis -- The Hanso Foundation -- is that their moves and motives are cunning and devious and dark. We have no idea what they're doing down there, I think Rachel is really going to bring that to life for us once the last of those glyphs come in folks. that's what I'm talking about, and by the way, uh, Aaron, do you have anything else you wanted to ask me is there anything else you wanted to say?

Aaron: Well, what can we do? I'm a member of a group called Dots and we want to help out you and we want to help out-

Dan: Whoa whoa whoa, you're a member of a group called, uh...

(Duck sound in the background)

Dan: Called DUCKS or DOTS?

Aaron: DOTS D-O-T-S

Tonya (talking over Aaron): Aflack

Dan: And what's that stand for?

Aaron: We are defenders of a site called the Tail Section.

Dan: Ah, excellent, the Tail Section, ah, that's right. So you're chasing tail, that's what you're trying to tell me right?

Aaron: I can only hope, I can only hope.

Dan: SHUT DOWN! I love you man, I just did that cause I was feeling it on the inside but you know I love you, okay? And you know what, if you're out there and your chasing tail but, preferably your chasing glyphs, which is what I would rather see you do.

Johnny: Chasing the glyph

Dan: That's right, if your chasing the glyph let me give you another hint about where that glyph's gonna go, okay. The city in question: Hispanics might call it, "La Manzana Grande", that's right, "La Manzana Grande". Folks, if you know where "La Manzana Grande" is, if you know what tourist spot in that major American metropolis you might just catch this glyph on Monday. Let's take another call actually, I wanna hear the voice of the people out there who are helping us fight the good fight.

Tonya: Alright, line 1, Jeff from Ohio.

Dan: Jeff from Ohio, Jeff, what you got... Jeff are you there?

Jeff: Yes.

Dan: Okay, lets hear it, what you got for me Jeff, from Ohio?

Jeff: Okay, first off I'd-

Dan (singing over Jeff): "You know why, oh why oh why oh. Why did I ever leave Ohio?"

Jeff: Because of the snow.

Dan: (laughing) Okay, let's hear it.

Jeff: Okay, first off I just gotta say I've been lovin' the show so far.

Dan: Oh, thank you, very much, we appreciate it, and you know who appreciates it more than anybody?

Jeff: Hmm?

Dan: Well, Louis the roady is actually very excited about it.

Louis: Loving it!

Dan: But, Johnny, Johnny, can you express your appreciation?

Johnny: Lovin' the callers.

(Laughter)

Jeff: And I'm actually eating a donut right now.

Dan: Oh god, what kind of donut are you eating?

Jeff: It's a jelly donut.

Dan: It's a je- Is it a Berliner?

Jeff: Oh, You know it, eh.

Dan: Alright you know what-

Jeff: Okay, now I gotta say, I am not trying to um, while i appreciate what Rachel Blake is doing because your evil nemesis must be shut down.

Dan: You dont mean my arch nemesis...

Johnny: The Hanso Foundation

Dan: Alright let's hear it.

Jeff: Yes. Um, I'm a little bit suspect of her in one respect.

Dan: Uh huh?

Jeff: And before you shut me down and I want you to shut me down, let me, let me get through this real quick.

Dan: Oh, I'm gonna shut you down, you'd better get to it.

Jeff: Okay.

Dan: I'm feeling it.

Jeff: Oh, oh I understand.

Dan: Let's hear it.

Jeff: Persephone, when she first starts, what did we get but a series of really obscure clues leading-

Dan: Yeah yeah, hacks, hack. She's on the website, she's getting stuff up there yeah, yeah. So no no no, look, I know her, can I just pre-empt you on this okay? Cause I think I know exactly what... you're going to say: "How could somebody who's able to put up all these obscure clues on the internet, somebody who's able to just go out there and hack the site and do all that flash and do all of that stuff. All of the sudden, she seems to be somebody just who's on the web and doing these video blogs." That's what your going to tell me right?

Jeff: Well, not only that but also the fact but okay...

Dan: SHUT DOWN!

Jeff: Thank you.

(All laughing in the studio)

Dan: Folks, you know hackers, I know hackers. Tonya, you know hackers?

Tonya: Oh yeah.

Dan: Johnny, you know about hackers?

Johnny: Love to spoon with the hackers!

Dan: That's right my friend (all laughing) alright. Hey, Louis, you know the hackers?

Louis: Uh, yes.

Dan: Folks, folks, we all know about hackers. These are people who sit in basements, alright, hackin' stuff. They're in the computer, they're wizards at that kind of stuff, alright. Now all the sudden this woman Persephone AKA Rachel Blake, in my opinion, gets out the world and all the sudden we're criticizing for what? For not being good on television, folks she's Rachel Blake she's not Art Carney, Gingrich, she ain't Richard Linkletter okay. I don't know what you people what alright? So she's not, so, so, so, I mean literally I mean it's like all the sudden we're being graded on public speaking? The woman can hack flash for the love of God! And you want her to be there and be the captain of the debate team? She's honest, she's sweet, she is out there giving us a piece of her heart. I don't think we need to undermine her by saying that somehow her hacking skills make her video blogging incompatible. Folks I'm tired of this, I'm gonna shut myself down. Shut me down! God I love it when I shut me down, it's fantastic. Alright folks uh.

Tonya: I do too.

Dan: We're gonna take one, uh one more call. And then, uh and then I got something to tell you about your pets. That's what I got, let's hear the next call.

Tonya: On line 6, your absolute favorite fan, Fenris from England.

Dan: Fenris from England! Fenris, you're live, are you on the line?

Fenris: Yeah, I'm here.

Dan: Yeah, I, I, I, so, so you think I'm Peter Thompson? Are you nuts?

Fenris: I don't know about that, I don't know where you got that impression.

Dan: (laughing) Oh right, well, I don't know I think I might have seen something on 'teh' internet my friend. Fenris, you got a question for me, I want to hear it, what's up.

Fenris: I do, uh, you've been after the Hanso Foundation for quite a while now, right?

Dan: Yes I have, I have indeed. I'm a life long member of the, of the Anti-Hanso Foundation club, that's me. It's like the Hair Club for Men, only completely different.

Fenris: Yeah. I was wondering what, what got you first on to the Hanso Foundation, were they poisoning doughtnuts or something?

Dan: Uh, what has the Hanso Foundation do to me personally?

Fenris: Yes.

Dan: Well let me tell you somthing about. The Hanso Foundation hasn't done anything to me personally aside from the lime-green coated guys who came out to get me. Folks what yea-

Fenris: (laughs)

Dan: Folks, let me, let me, let me tell you about the Hanso Foundation guys okay. Here's why I hate heres why I wanna, wanna go after them: Okay, okay, the truth is, these guys don't have to offend you personally, okay, SO maybe you know it's not about a hatred of Scandinavian people or anything like that folks, what it's about, okay, is that these guys are putting out commericals there saying "We're reaching about for a better tomorrow", okay. They're reaching out, is it a better tomorrow for us? Is it for you? Is it for me? Is it for Tonya? Is it for Louis? I don't know, okay? All I'm saying is when I start seeing all this- organ theft! Okay? Stolen organs and I'm not talking, I'm not talking Hammonds here, okay. (heart starts beating for a few seconds. lub dub...) I'm not talking about Steve Windwood and the Spencer Davis group, okay? I'm talking about human organs. I'm talking about savants, trapped in a building, running some cockamammy end-of-the-world equation. I'm taling about, I'm talking about monkeys held against their... I'm talking about unnatural, ungodly life extension. Do these people have to offend me personally for me to wanna to go after them? I dont think so. Um, uh...

Fenris: No, I suppose not.

Dan: Fenris, Fenris, um, theres there's a question I'd like to ask you. Is that okay? Fenris? Are you there?

Fenris: (mumbles) yes

Dan: Would you mind if I shut you down? SHUT DOWN! Folks, come on, come on. We all know what the Hanso foundation is all about. We don't have to, we dont have to get into why we hate them, we have to get into how. How do we shut them down. Folks okay it's time now for uh, a little something I like to call:

Johnny: (frog ribbiting) How to bug-proof your pet.

Dan: That's right folks. Let's hear that again, because I love that.

Johnny: (frog ribbiting) How to bug-proof (dramatic pause, chuckle) your pet.

Dan: It's a little know fact that Johnny has a pet frog that actually uh that-

Johnny: Lars.

(Laughter all around)

Dan (laughter throughout): Lars actually is kept in a cage on a chain around Johnny's neck. It's surreal, if you've never seen it. Folks, you know. Now more than ever your pets are subject to scrutiny by the forces of evil, I'm talking about governement, I'm talking about global conspiracies okay folks. So, you need to bug-proof your pet. You need to make sure that your pet is not, is not acting as a listening device. How do you do it? Well, number one: Always sweep your pet with a metal detector when he/she/it comes back from a long day of running, playing, catching. That's what I'm talking about. Chasing birds, steeplechasing, whatever your pet does, sweep the pet with a metal detector, okay. If you have fish, might be a little more difficult but try, very important. Never! Ever fall asleep to your cats purr. One word: Hyp-nosis, is that two words? I don't know, Louis? Okay folks. Try fashioning a custom tin-foil suit for your pooch or kitty cat. If you have a hamster, that might be a little bit difficult 'cause it's hard to get the tin foil around those little spindly legs. But, I promise you, I promise you, you will thank me for that in the morning, okay. Try the cell phone trick: If your cell phone reception improves when you move near your pet, that's right, your pet is bugged. If your cat or dog opens its mouth to bark of meow and a human voice comes out, going "(undeciherable speech)" Chances are: bugged. Or as Johnny likes to say:

Johnny: (pause) Not paying attention.

(Laughter throughout the studio)

Dan: Johnny, put down the Scotch! Holy Buckets, man, you're killing me.

Johnny: I'm liquored up.

Dan: Now you ask, What if it's too late? What if my pet is already wired up for sound? Alright, here's 3 things you need to do. Any crimes you want to commit, yeah, don't talk about them to anybody, okay. Don't discuss you crimial activity with your bugged pet. That's just common sense 101, okay, I never say anything around my pet that I don't want anybody else to hear that's what I'm saying. Whack yourself on the head with a tuning fork, okay. Whack yours- It's like pretty much the answer to anything around here at DJ Dan, okay. Whack yourself on the head with a tuning fork and then hold the tuning fork near your pet. Okay? That's what I'm saying, okay it confuses the hell out of the listeners. And finally, try switching your pet to a high fiber diet if you catch my drift, often times they make your pet swallow the bug. And if that doesn't work, I got 2 words for you, intestinal lavage. Folks, I am taking your calls here 800-942-4704. I'm DJ Dan, I gotta song I'm gonna play for you. I gotta do some business, we're gonna come back and take some more calls, let's hear that song!

("Rainy Day Woman" by Bob Dylan plays)

(JEEP COMPASS ADVERTISEMENT)

(DJ DAN)

Segment 6

Voiceover: From the Easter Egg of Disc 7 of your DVD Box Set, It's DJ Dan, Shutting Down the Man.

Dan: Oh, I'm shutting it down. Shutting it down all over the place, my friends. I've never shut anything down like I'm shutting this down, before. But folks, before I do that I want to remind you, of how it is that you're getting this illegal, underground radio broadcast. Johnny, can you give it to me?

Johnny: Radio Harvest. You're internet radio and home of the DJ Dan Show.

Dan: Folks, I was going to talk to you about the mythic beast of the day or as Johnny likes to call it;

Johnny: Mystic Beasty, of the day.

Dan: But folks, do you really want to hear me to talk about the mapinguari? I don't think so! No, we're ripping up the script, my friends. We got calls, we got calls stacking up, packing up! They're all over the place so folks; you know what I'm going to do here? I'm going to take a couple more calls, okay? You ask, I answer. Give me another call. Who do we have Tonya?

Tonya: Line 7, we've got Bree from Holland.

Dan: Bree from Holland, are you live on the line?

Bree: I'm here, I'm waiting.

Dan: God bless you, Bree. Let's here it, what is your questi... How is the weather in Holland, right now?

Bree: The weather in Holland is actually beautiful, it's all the better for getting through to you DJ Dan.

Dan: Ohhhhhhhh, my heart is all-a-flutter, Bree. You made me such a happy man. I'm weeping, Johnny am I crying?

Johnny: You are babbling like a little girl.

Dan: Tears of joy, Bree, what do you have for me tonight?

Bree: DJ Dan, I do have some information, I'm a real ConspiraSpy.

Dan: Do you now, what information is that, let's hear it.

Bree: DJ Dan, I found a book.

Dan: Yes?

Bree: A black book.

Dan: Yes.

Bree: And it was written by a T. W. Mittelwerk.

Dan: Well, you know what? Shutdown! Folks, Thomas Werner Mittelwerk doesn't have time to write books, folks. He does not. He is Mister Evil. Captain of Evil, Sultan of Evil, Maven of Evil, Aficionado of Evil. Folks, Thomas Werner Mittelwerk is out there committing evil. He doesn't have to write anything down, he dictates. You know what I'm talking about, I think you do. Let's take another call.

Tonya: Line 14, Chris.

Dan: Chris, you're on line 14, Chris where you at?

Chris: Hey, I'm in upstate New York.

Dan: You're in upstate New York, excellent.

Tonya: Cooperstown.

Dan: Cooperstown.

Chris: Yeah, Cooperstown.

Dan: That is the, uh, home of the, uh, the hall of fame isn't it?

Chris: Damn straight.

Dan: Very exciting. You know I'm a direct descendant of Abner Doubleday, the inventor of baseball.

Chris: You're not.

Dan: I am absolutely not; I am lying to you through my teeth. Folks what do you got for me?

Chris: Well listen, I was wondering, two things.

Dan: Yeah, Yeah.

Chris: First, have you heard about Shade and Sissy Frenchfry?

Dan: Have I heard about whom?

Chris: Shade.

Dan: Shade?

Chris: Yes, Shade. S H A D E

Dan: Have I heard of Shade?

Chris: They're ConspiraSpy United.

Dan: Ahhhh, ha ha ha. Are these fellow ConspiraSpy? I'm very excited about them, what's your second question?

Chris: Excellent, have you heard about Sissy Frenchfry and how do you feel about her?

Dan: Sissy Frenchfry? Let me tell you something about Sissy Frenchfry. There are about 15 seconds of Sissy Frenchfry that are some of the finest cinema that I've ever seen. Shutdown! Don't call me about movies. Who do I look like Roger Ebert, for the love of god, man!

Tonya: Ha Ha Ha.

Dan: We're shutting down the man and you want to know what I think of Sissy Frenchfry? You what I...

Johnny: Thumbs Down

Dan: No No No, There's about 15 seconds of Sissy Frenchfry that get a...

Johnny: Thumbs.. Thumbs Up!

Dan: Yes, they're on YouTube, look 'em up. Alright folks I'm going to take another call right here. Who do we got?

Tonya: Line 1, Dawn from Phoenix.

Dan: Dawn from Phoenix, before I, uh, Dawn are you there? Dawn from Phoenix?

Tonya: I think Dawn just hung up.

Dan: Ahhh, Dawn. Dawn, are you there? (Singing)We miss you dawn, oh yes we do (/Singing). Let's go to another call.

Tonya: Line 3, Chuck from Austin.

Dan: Chuck from Austin. Chuck are you there?

LHorse007: (large static feedback sound)

Everyone: Woah!!

Tonya: Whoa Chuck.

Dan: Feedback pulse just melted the brain over loess the DJ Dan Roadie. He's lying on the floor, dying. Chuck are you there?

LHorse007: This isn't Chuck this is (garbled, should be "LHorse007")

Dan: This is whom?

LHorse007: (Muffled sound).

Dan: Okay, I have the worst connection in the world; I can't hear a word you're saying. Let's try to hear your questions.

Tonya: Are you saying you're Alvar?

LHorse007: (Muffled Sound) I have a question.

Dan: Yes. Let's hear your question.

LHorse007: I want some information on where Joop is, because we're trying to save him and stuff.

Dan: Uh, they're trying to say, Uh, I'm sorry I lost you there. ...find information on whom?

LHorse007: (Muffled Sound) On Joop.

Dan: Joop! We've talked about Joop, we're going to save Joop, we've gone to savejoop.com, I'm wearing a Save Joop T-Shirt right now, Shutdown.

Johnny: Folks, please don't call DJ Dan from a shoe phone.

Dan: That's right folks. Okay look, cordless, wireless, cell phones, call me; don’t use the shoe, my friend. Okay folks, you know what, I'm going to give you a 4th hint about that Glyph. Monday, major metropolis, la manzana grande, its going to be in a touristy place, it's not going to be on the internet, folks. The location where the Glyph will be shown rhymes with "Fresh Air." Wow. You can rename me Captain Obvious on that one folks. Monday, Fresh Air, yeah okay. Folks, Um, you know I think... uh, Tonya, what's that sound Tonya?

(Ghost sounds in the background)

Tonya: Uh.

Dan: Tonya, that's so weird.

Tonya: It sounds like it's coming from above.

Dan: Great Caesar’s ghost, I think we all know what that means, ConspiriSpys, I think it's time for our...

Johnny: Area 51 Update.

Dan: Alright folks we're on the line, we got 'um on the line with one of our real patriots, my friend. Tonya, I think you know who I'm talking about, it's one of our true patriots. It's the guy we all know and love, our good ol' friend, Marvin the Earthling.

Tonya: Love Marvin

Dan: Marv.

Marvin: Earthling is right DJ Dan. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not one of those green, evil, space killers.

Dan: Uh, that's right Marvin. You're not. The only red dust marv's ever touched was on quarter panel of his mom's 1984 Silver Chevy Impala. Ain't that right Marv?

Marvin: How'd you.. I never.. Told anyone that?

Dan: Good Man, Marvin! Yeah, Marvin, Where you at?

Marvin: Well, I'm in a little town called Rachel Nevada.

Dan: You're kidding? Rachel Nevada?

Marvin: No, I'm serious Rachel Nevada. Right on the edge of Nevada State 375, the extra terrestrial Highway. 3 miles from the place they call dream land.

Dan: You're living in dream land. You want to run away. If you can figure out what that's a reference to, put that on the fuselage. For those of you who don't know, dream land is fine, attractive land owned by the US Government in Nevada. Attractive land containing an airstrip that sees a day in, day out steady stream of UFO traffic. That's right people I'm talking about Area 51, Watertown strip, Paradise Ranch, Groom Lake, the farm, the detachment, you know what I'm talkin' about. It's ET central. You know what's happening in ET central Marv?

Marvin: Not all that much DJ Dan, I had my camera confiscated.

Dan: Your camera was confiscated? Oh my god Marvin,

Marvin: I was.. I think.

Dan: I bought you that camera, Marv. Okay Okay.

Marvin: I thought some of these cows looked funny; their spots looked like they had some sort of alien alphabet.

Dan: Wait, the spots on the rancher's cows were... looked like some sort of alien alphabet?

Marvin: Sir yes, sir.

Dan: And you got photos?

Marvin: Oh, tons of um.

Dan: What about the camera?

Marvin: Well it's not exactly in one piece.

Dan: Marv, Marv, Marv.

Marvin: It wasn't my fault man.

Dan: Wait, Are you running right now?

Marvin: We'll I'm uh. No. Not exactly. There's some guys who I think might be chasing me.

Dan: Well, what kind of guys?

Marvin: Also, there's this um, symbol burnt into the ground. Right by the barrier. On the left side of the barrier next to dream land.

Dan: There's a symbol in the ground.

Marvin: There's a symbol burnt into the ground.

Dan: And you shot a picture of it?

Marvin: Well, camera.

Dan: The camera. The one I bought you that got smashed by the alien encounter.

Marvin: I kinda remember what it looked like. I'm doing a line drawing of it right now.

Dan: Fax it over Marv!

Marvin: Okay. I am hold on a second.

Dan: Oh my god,

Marvin: I'm hitting sand right now.

Dan: Okay, Okay.

(Knocking).

(Screaming (Lots of "Marvin!!")).

Dan: Marv, Marv, Marv!!!! No, Marvin!!!!!!!!! No, we freed Marvin. Our spy from area 51, but Tonya is that fax coming in? Are we getting the fax?

Tonya: Yeah, I see something coming through.

Dan: You know that looks like one of those glyphs. Doesn't it?

Tonya: Yeah I does.

Dan: Got a Numerical code on the bottom. Oh my god. You know, if this was television, I'd ask you to hold that up in front of the camera, but this is radio. You know what I'm going to do, I'm going to tape that, It looks like one of those glyphs; I'm going to tape it to the front door of Radio Harvest. If you can find the building that we're in, that glyph will the taped to the front door by the time this show is over and you can check out that glyph. That's the second glyph I'm giving folks, I'm giving you a hint about fresh air, la manzana grande, Touristy place, New York City, Monday, where you will be able to see a glyph. We've got a glyph right here, in the studio, we're going to tape it to our front door and you can come here and get that glyph if you can figure out where this studio is. And it's not just a studio it's a company is called...

Johnny: Radio Harvest. But don't knock.

(Laughing)

Dan: Folks we are taping the... Can we get someone to tape that glyph over there, right now? I want to make sure that whoever gets in goes to get that. All right folks, you ask I answer, folks. I've got answers to all of your questions, I'll take a couple more calls and then I'm going to shut everybody down. If you're on the line, stay on the line, I'll shut you down personally. This show is getting on the road. Tonya give me a call.

Tonya: Line 2, Kinetic from Pittsburg.

Dan: Kinetic from Pittsburg. Let's hear it.

Kinetic: Hey...

Dan: Now, are you truly kinetic? I mean are you in perpetual motion? Are you like an Electron or perhaps a proton? What are we talkin' about here?

Tonya: Do you have Gold Teeth, Kinetic?

Kinetic: Kinetic?

Dan: Are you Kinetic from Pittsburg?

Kinetic: No?

Dan: Oh my god that...

Johnny: It's Pittsburg from Kinetic.

Kinetic: Find some good screeners man.

Dan: Oh my god that riff was not. Screeners? Do we even have screeners? Folks, this is an underground broadcast, what do you got for me folks? Let's hear it.

Kinetic: I want to know who I can trust these days, DJ Dan?

Dan: Ha Ha Ha.

Kinetic: Tell me who I can trust, I want to know who can I trust?

Dan: There is only one thing in this world you can trust, my friend. There is only one true thing that is a constant for each and every one of us and that is... Shutdown! That's right folks, trust no one! The man in black said it, the cigarette smoking man said it, and I’m telling you trust no one. The only person you can trust is that beautiful, mellifluous, mechanical, sound that says, I've thrown you off the airwaves. Let's take another call, who do we have?

Tonya: Line 11, Steven from missoura.

Dan: Is this actually Steven from missoura? Are you live with DJ Dan?

Steven: Yes, I am.

Dan: Oh my god, we actually got one right. That's outstanding. So, what do you got for me?

Steven: Well, Dan I got a conspiracy to propose to you man.

Dan: It's been about 3 hours since I got a proposal.

Johnny: You make the conspiracy!

Steven: Well, what if Alvar Hanso isn't a real person?

Dan: What if?

Steven: What if it's just a name plate? What if he's just a face that they put the Hanso Foundation to?

Dan: Well, who do you think is guy in the building? The wonderful modernistic building in the picture.

Steven: Well, who do you think is in the video?

Dan: Well, I, Uh.

Steven: That's what I'm saying. What if it's two different people? What if we got multiple people playing Hanso Foundation people, what if someone hasn't been found?

Dan: So basically, this whole conspiracy, is some sort of Scandinavian version of the movie Dave? Where Kevin Kline plays the president, and then plays a (???) salesman that looks like the president? I don't think so, Shutdown! Folks, come on, life ain’t a movie! If anything life is a radio show and a damn fine one. Let's clear out the phone lines, we're almost at the end here, If you've been hanging out on the lines, I think you deserve to be shutdown personally. Give me something!

Johnny: Rapid fire shutdown!

Dan: That’s right folks, I’m shutting you down. Who do we have on the line?

Tonya: Line 4, Paul from Santa Monica.

Dan: Paul is that you?

Paul: Huh?

Dan: Is that you Paul?

Paul: Yeah.

Dan: Shutdown!

Paul: What?

Dan: OK (laughter). It's rapid fire shutdown, if you’re on the line that’s all I can give ya at this point, it's just a beautiful, lovely, consign of the deal(???) shutdown. Gimme another line.

Tonya: Line 2, Matzah, from the Dots.

Dan: Er Matzah from the Dots.

Matzah: Hello?

Dan: Yes, shutdown! Alright let’s get another one here, who else do we have here?

Tonya: Line 7, Garrett from Tulsa.

Dan: Garrett from Tulsa, are you on the line?

Garrett: Yes I am.

Dan: Shutdown. (Laughs). OK.

Tonya: Line 16, Monte from San... something.

Dan: Monte!!! Are you on the line?

Monte: I am indeed.

Dan: Shutdown.

Johnny: Thanks for staying up.

Dan: Who else do we have?

Tonya: Line 10, Lauren from Fort Myers, Florida.

Dan: Fort Myers. Lauren are you there?

Dan: Lauren are you there?

Lauren: Yeah what’s up how you doin?

Dan: Lauren I’m really sorry that I have to do this to you but I’m running outta time and I gotta shut you down, shutdown! OK, who do we have next?

Tonya: Line 6, Dark Mark and with Rachel Blake’s refugee from San…

(Interference)

Dan: Oh Lord, oh my god. No…

Johnny: Shut you down!!!

Dan: Shutdown! That’s right, who else do we have?

Tonya: Line 9, K M Duke, from San Francisco.

Dan: K M Duke, are you there?

Duke: Ju…

Dan: (Hums). Shutty…Shuttydown. I’ve shut you down now. (Laughs). OK and finally.

Tonya: Line 5, Jose

Dan: Jose, where are you from Jose?… Jose are you there?

Jace: Er, this is actually Jace.

Dan: Who?

Tonya: Oh Jace!

Dan: Jace!

Tonya: I’m sorry Jace.

Dan: Jace I’m so sorry we macerated your name like that, especially since I have to (sings), shut you down! Folks folks folks, you know what, I’d, I’d like to get to a little something that I like to call where is Alvar. You’ve all heard me say where is Alvar, I think I wanna play…

(Knocking)

Dan: Oh my god.

(Knocking)

Dan: There’s somebody knocking on the door folks! What the hell’s going on.

Man’s voice: DJ Dan and Tonya. We’re…(inaudible)

Dan: Oh my god. I’m looking out the window, and folks, they’re wearing those pastel coloured suits. Oh my god, it’s the Hanso Foundation. They’re here at Harvest Radio. Oh my god, Tonya grab the…amp (cutting down)…Johnny grab the mics… Reese shut down the AC…Leonardo pack the… Luis turn off the camera…Simon where’s the van…Julie get the espresso maker. Folks, I’m DJ Dan, they’re coming after me. Shutdown the man! Rachel Blake never lose faith. Ladies and gentlemen, I am out of here. I’m DJ Dan! Tonya, Louise, Johnny. SHUTTING DOWN THE MAAAAAAAAN!!!

On Radio Harvest.

End music plays.

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