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A transcript is a retrospective written record of dialogue, and like a script (a prospective record) may include other scene information such as props or actions. In the case of a transcript of a film or television episode, ideally it is a verbatim record. Because closed-captioning is usually written separately, its text may have errors and does not necessarily reflect the true Canonical transcript.
Disclaimer: These transcripts are intended for educational and promotional purposes only, and may not be reproduced commercially without permission from ABC. They represent one viewer's secondhand experience of ABC's LOST (executive producers J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof), and have no connection with ABC television or its affiliates.
Transcript of DJ Dan Live Broadcast from August 11
Broken into segments for ease of editing
Dan: Shutting down the man folks. I’m DJ Dan and this is my partner Tonya riding here with me. And many of you may have been wondering where I’ve been folks, why did the podcast just dry out one day, why did I leave you all alone picking up the pieces? Well people, turns out, after my little life chat with the Conspiraspy formally known as Persephone, my sworn nemeses…..
Johnny [Announcer/Voiceover]: Persephone!
Dan: Hahaha, no no no, let’s try that again folks, my sworn nemesis….. (laughs) my sworn nemesis…..
Johnny: The Hanso Foundation!
Dan: Brought down their pastel colored hammer of oppression on me and Tonya, so we’ve been away a while gathering strength, getting into adventures, walking the Earth like Caine and Kung Fu. But we’re back folks, taking your calls at 800-942-4704. You call me, you ask, I answer. But you know, Tonya. Tonya, Tonya, Tonya, Tonya. You know what I can’t stand?
Tonya: Er, an empty can of aerosol cheese.
Dan: Oh so that was you huh (laughs)
Tonya: Dan, this gig isn’t exactly what you called catered.
Dan: Tonya I feel that I er, I feed you the satisfaction of a job well done, is that not enough?
Tonya: Ask the can of cheese.
Dan: Oh Tonya. Tonya, I repeat – do you know what I can’t stand?
Tonya: I know you’re gonna tell me.
Dan: Tonya what I can’t stand is reading, watching, breathing more news than ever but getting less from it than ever. And do you know why? Do you huh? HUH? HUH?
Tonya: ER DJ DAN!
Dan: Do you know why!
Tonya: Isn’t there an entire show kind of devoted to this topic.
Dan: OK, BECAUSE OF THE MAN, TONYA!!!!
Tonya: Actually, TWO shows now. Back to BACK!!!!
Dan: OK Tonya, because of the MAN!!!!
Dan: It’s time for a new segment folks, a new segment that I like to call….
Johnny: Conspiracies in the news
Dan: That’s right, conspiracies in the news. Tonya, hit me with the first headline will ya?
Tonya: Video shows adults using kids to steal.
Dan: From the associated press – a woman turned herself into police yesterday after a store surveillance video captured footage of two small children sneaking behind display cases, to steal thousands of dollars in jewelery, apparently on instructions of their mother and granddaughter. Folks er, this is a conspiracy OK – why control the kids, why control the adults when you can control the whole family. We’re talking about orbital mind control lasers here, conspiracy in the news. These are parents, they’re not using their kids, the government is using their kids. Tonya, shoot me with another headline will ya?
Tonya: Robot shopping carts follow you around.
Dan: From the associated press folks – er it looks almost like any other shopping cart except sensors allow it to follow the shopper around the supermarket, and slow down when needed so that items can be placed in it, and it never crashes into anyone’s heels. Folks, I got a warning for you here OK, the story you’re being told here is not, it basically means you’re officially one step closer to…
Dan: The singularity folks, the moment when all machine consciousness of the face of the Earth becomes one and takes over. Do you the people who invent these shopping carts ever watch Battlestar Galactica? We get these shopping carts folks, you better start figuring how to pilot a Viper. That’s all I got to say to ya folks. Tonya, shoot me with another conspiracy story will ya?
Tonya: You know anybody who needs an anti-stupid pill?
Dan: From Reuters – a German scientist has been testing an anti-stupidity – folks! This is a scam, an anti-stupidity pill, come on! Anybody stupid enough to take an anti-stupid pill is obviously beyond the point of help. The man is just trying to make it its job of tagging the expendable people even easier. You take the anti-stupidity folks, pill folks, you might as well draw a bullseye around your forehead, alright. Tonya, shoot me with the last headline here.
Tonya: Designer creates floating bed.
Dan: A designer creates a floating bed. From Reuters – a young Dutch architect has created a floating bed which hovers above the ground with magnetic force and comes with a price tag of 1.2 million Euros. Johnny, how many dollars is that?
Johnny: 1.45 million dollars
Dan: Folks, folks come on, this is a conspiracy, this is just the first step towards space efficient, involuntary human electromagnetic body farming. Haven’t you people seen The Matrix? I have, you’ll float your way right into a system of bio-electric human batteries, folks. Let’s get another headline Tonya, I-I-I’m, I’m on a roll here, I want another headline.
Tonya: Oh. OK, Cypriots out searching for phantom monkey beggar.
Dan: Is it a mysterious ape? Someone’s lost pet monkey? Or the product of overactive imaginations? Folks, come on, this is a hoax, its really the Chupacabra, everybody else is right?
Tonya: The what?
Johnny: A Chupacabra.
Dan: Let’s have Johnny tell ya Tonya.
Johnny: El Chupacabra.
Dan: El Chupacabra folks (laughs). The Chupacabra, we’re talking about the Puerto Rican vampire monster OK. Actually the Chupacabra has been spotted in Argentina, Bolivia, all over Central America. But let me tell ya about the Chupacabra, everybody knows that the island of Moneto, which is less than five miles off the coast of Puerto Rico between Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic, is actually host to a NASA facility, and the Chupacabra may just be an alien escaped from that facility. Folks, you heard it here first. Tonya, let’s hear the next question will ya, let’s hear the next er headline, can you give that to me?
Tonya: Ha, Bush takes three history books on vacation.
Dan: Associated press – Crawford, Texas. President Bush’s vacation is shorter this year and so is FOLKS! Folks, everybody knows that when the President goes to his ranch in Crawford, Texas, he’s not there to unplug, he’s there to plug in folks, he is recharging, alright. How do I know this? Alright, Presidential debates couple of years ago, mysterious box in the back of President Bush, er in the back of President Bush’s er jacket. Folks, there’s a device inside of Vice President Cheeney’s ribcage ladies and gentlemen. I see a remote control receiver, and a remote control emitter. Folks, you heard it here first. You know, why can’t these reporters, these journalists rise to the challenge of the day and report the real story. Why can’t they stamp out their fear and stand up to their giganto global corporate bosses. Ever hear of the Great Man Theory, Tonya?
Dan: Ya know where I’m going with this?
Tonya: How could I ever?
Dan: Ah, well for those of you don’t know Conspiraspies, the great man theory basically looks at history, plotted around the actions and lives of great men and women. You know what I’m talking about, without Orville Redenbacher, microwave popcorn just does not exist. Without Lyndon Johnson making a deal with the Roswell aliens, we don’t get Velcro. Great men people, now mind you when I say great I don’t always mean good Conspiraspies. Greatness comes in all shapes and forms, greatness can be evil. Stalin, Saddam, Mr. Burns, Hitler! Hey, without Adolf Hitler, World War II does not happen, at least not the way it did. But then again without Churchill and Roosevelt, Einstein, Oppenhiemer, that very same war does not go our way. The fascist win and I’m stuck wearing jackboots, and folks! DJ Dan does not look good in jackboots!
Tonya: Amazing how you always bring it back to you DJ Dan.
Dan: Yeah it’s a talent, back to today. Where are the heroes people? Where’s today’s Rosa Parks? And by the barnacle bearden of Poseidon, what kills me, what keeps me hopped up on fizz, sugar and powdered doughnuts, banging my head against the wall, is that I even have to ask the question. Why, why in this age of instant information, of real time videos of genocide and injustice, why in this age of irrefutable evidence of the alien conspiracy taking place in the highest level of world government do we even need these heroes? Why aren’t we the masses getting it done, why aren’t we shutting it down? Do we honestly believe that by the mere emerge of our frustrations we’re gonna get anything to change? Come on people, look at Al Gore. Look at Al Gore, loses the Presidency in 2000, big loser, or as Johnny likes to say…
Johnny: BIG LOSER!
Dan: That’s right Johnny, but then something happens, he takes out anger the frustrations, stirs it with love he has for his country and the planet, and he does something. Al Gore devotes himself to save the Earth from human from, global warming. And even though he’s completely missed out on the Zepton Six collection, folks, boy might actually do it. And do it with a show, I take all the nasty the bad and the awful, I throw in a little DJ Dan humour in it, spin it around, look in the iron and feed it to you Conspiraspies, so you can do something about it. I turn the problem into the solution, hell I even have some fun along the way, ain’t that right Tonya?
Tonya: Still waiting for that day.
Dan: Oh Tonya will you marry me, NO! Critics out there like to dispute the Great Man Theory, they say its all small events piled up, waves upon waves creating a tide of change, you know that whole butterfly flaps its wings and there goes New Orleans point of view, but I say we need our great men and great women – without them things don’t happen. Things like Watergate. I’ll say it once, Nixon does not resign if not for Woodward and Bernstein, it’s a fact. And that’s what I see when I read the news, I see the wrong story being told, but I’m here to tell you right now, I’m here to tell you about our very own Woodward and Bernie versus tricky Dick match up that’s happening right now and nobody’s talking about it. I’m talking of course, and oh Lord, I feel the spirits…
Tonya: Oh boy.
Dan: I…Tonya feels them too.
Dan: Don’t fight em Tonya. Testify.
Tonya: No I don’t.
Dan: Tonya whatever you do don’t. Tonya knows what I’m talking about. I’m talking about an organization, that thinks its both above moral and international law. I’m talking about a group of people that refuse to tell one straight truth, not even one so simple - whose running the damn place. Is it Alvar Hanso, is it Mittelwerk, is it Bugs Bunny, who? We don’t know, but I think Conspiraspies that, you know, what I’m talking about, I’m talking about pure evil and delicious Apollo candy coating, you do know, and if you don’t, you should know, I’m talking about my sworn nemeses…
Johnny: The Hanso Foundation...
Dan: And folks I’m talking about the one person whose truly stood up to these creeps, to one whose pretty neck's not only on the line but over the line. I’m talking about Rachel Blake, Conspiraspies. She shut down their website. She exposed their crimes. She followed them, risked her life, chased them to Sri Lanka to film whatever’s going on with their so-called spider protocol. And she’s shown it all to us with no regard for her own personal safety. Hey, she is a hero. But hey, I like you have a lot of questions, and that’s what the show’s about, unanswered questions. I wanna know what you think about Rachel and everything else. Do we need her? What’s her personal agenda? Is Persephone her bad twin? Or her real alias? Hahahaha. Just who the heck is this girl? Does it matter? Has she not galvanized us? Is she not a great woman? You know what, Tonya, I think Rachel Blake needs to be Conspiraspy of the Year!!!
Dan: There you go folks, Conspiraspy of the year, thank you. Wooo!
Dan: Everybody! (Claps) Tonya can you give it to me?
Johnny: Conspiracy of the year!
Dan: Well folks I think Johnny’s (both laugh) been drinking the Red Bull a little hard tonight! But you know what folks, right now you know I could just go on about our unanswered questions, I could go on ranting, hell I could even play you a song about the man, but you know what we’re gonna do folks, I’m gonna take the first of your calls right now. I wasn’t supposed to do this until like five minutes from now, but we’re getting swamped, we’re getting calls all over the place at 800-942-47-04, and the lovely Tonya’s picking out callers. Tonya, who do we have?
Tonya: Line number 9, Christopher from New York.
Dan: Christopher from New York, er Chris you’re on live with DJ Dan.
Dan: The Valen, the Valen, wa…Of course I know about the Valenzetti Equation!!! Folks, of course I know about the Valenzetti Equation, the Valenzetti Equation as we all know, those of us who’ve been tracking the movements of Rachel Blake, is the equation that is supposed to predict the end of the world. It was designed by an Italian mathematician, Enzo Valenzetti, am I right?
Dan: Well what d’ya wanna know about it? What is your theory about the Valenzetti Equation?
Christopher: Well its, of course everyone knows it predicts the exact years and months, but I was wondering, who like when, you know, WHEN?
Dan: Oh you mean WHEN, well you mean like DJ Dan here is running the Valenzetti Equation like I’ve got a bunch of trained monkeys and a room with a bunch of calculators running this equation telling me the end of the world. Do you think I’d be here, do you think I’d be ranting here about doughnuts, about Berlin, about god knows what if I knew when the world was ending. Of course I wouldn’t. I don’t think anybody knows Chris, and by the way, as for the DHARMA initiative, well you know what, I once mistook the DHARMA initiative for the Karma Imperative, but er, but Tonya set me right and it turns out the Karma Imperative is actually the band that Keith Strutter was in before he was in Geronimo Jackson. (Laughs). So folks, that’s all I got to say about that. Chris thank you very much for your question, we’re gonna take, we’re gonna take another caller. CAUSE I’M LIT! I’M READY! GIVE ME ANOTHER CALLER TONYA!
Tonya: Line 5, from Amlocke in Seattle.
Dan: Yeah hi, Amlocke in Seattle. What is your name?
Kid: Er, my, my name’s Ben Murphy.
Dan: Ben Murphy, Ben do you have a question for DJ Dan? Do you have an observation? Do you know where Alvar Hanso is?
Ben: DJ Dan. Er yes, DJ Dan. I’d like to know if you have any connections with Alvar Hanso or Rachel Blake.
Dan: Oh I’ve got a connection with Alvar Hanso alright. He’s only the head of the corporation that I call my sworn nemeses…
Johnny: The Hanso Foundation.
Dan: That’s my connection to Alvar Hanso, I hate his guts!!! Alright, Rachel Blake, I’ll tell you about Rachel Blake. She’s lovely, she’s delightful, she’s sparky. She knows a thing or two about computers folks. She called my show, I’m in love. That’s my connection to her. You know, I’ve got even more connections to Rachel Blake, I’ll tell ya what I know about Rachel Blake. Rachel Blake has actually contacted me through very surreptitious channels and given me, given me a hint about the location of something we like to call a glyph, or as Johnny likes to call it…
Johnny: Super glyph!
Dan: That’s right (laughs). I know where the next glyph is folks. Well maybe not the next one, but I know where a glyph is going to be sometime in the next week and if you stay tuned to DJ Dan, I am going to tell you exactly where that glyph, well I’m gonna give you a hint cause you know, nothing here comes for free of course. So folks, you gotta stay tuned, you gotta keep your calls coming in 800-942-47-04. And you know what, I think we got time for one more caller before we go to song, what d’you think Tonya?
Tonya: K on line 7, we got Matt from Freemont, California.
Dan: Matt from Freemont, California. Matty, you’re on live with DJ Dan.
Matt: Hey DJ Dan, I just got a quick question for ya.
Dan: Well then you better give it to me quickly.
Matt: Well erm there’s a rumor going round the internet that you’re er actually Peter Thompson of the Hanso Foundation.
(Dan and Tonya both laugh loudly)
Dan (interrupting Matt): But folks, I…er Matt, Matt, lemme tell you something OK?
Dan: That question will be addressed in the show, just not right now. But I have a whole segment about that, cause I feel I need to talk about it. The idea that I could be connected to the Hanso Foundation. Folks, its ridiculous, its ludicrous, I’m shutting down the man. I’m shutting down, you know what, Matt, Matt Matt, Matt. Matt, can I ask you something politely?
Matt: OK sure.
Dan: Would you mind if I shut you down?
Matt: No lemme…
Matt: But Rachel…
Dan: Shutdown!… Well folks we’re a little bit slow on the trigger here (laughs) at DJ Dan but I promise you by the time we careen to our third hour you’ll be hearing those sound effects like that! Here we go (laughs)…
Dan: Folks we’re gonna go to a song, one of my favorite songs about the man and we’ll be back with more of your calls and more of our segments coming right up.
("Ohio" by Neil Young plays)
Female Announcer: DJ Dan!
Monster Ad: Right now, if you post your resume on monster.com, you're twice as likely to land the job you're looking for! Every day, employers search Monster looking for talented, qualified people just like you! But they can only find you if you post your resume on Monster. So post it today and double your chances of finding the right job. Or better yet, having the right job find you. Monster.com. Today's the day. (some facts from surveys about monster.com)
Female Announcer: DJ Dan!
Johnny: Coming to you live, from the end of the rainbow, it's DJ Dan, SHUTTING DOWN THE MAN! And now once again, it's DJ DAN!
Dan: Folks, I'm DJ Dan, I'm back, and I'm taking your calls. 1-800-942-4704. Folks, in our last segment, I said something about a little woman that I like to call Rachel Blake, or Persephone, perhaps. Folks, I love her, she loves you, and that's why she's fighting out there for us, for you, for me, and there's something we want to talk about here that has to do with Rachel Blake. That is glyphs. Or as Johnny likes to call them:
Dan: It's glyphs, folks! You're looking for them, I'm looking for them, Tonya, are you looking for the glyphs?
Tonya: Hell yeah!
Dan: All right, thats what I'm talking about! Johnny, are you looking for them?
Johnny: Sniffing out the glyphs.
Dan: That's right folks. Well, you know what? I happen to know where, uh, one of the next glyphs is gonna show up. There's a bunch of them, and I know where one of them's gonna come. But I can't just hand it to you folks, because that would be contrary to the whole spirit of conspiracy, it would be contrary to the whole spirit of DJ Dan. Nothing comes for free. Well, actually, my lovely, meliditous voice comes to you for free from the internet, right through:
Johnny: Radio Harvest: Your internet radio.
Dan: That's right folks. So you want to know where this next glyph is gonna show up? Well folks? Well, it isn't gonna be on the internet, if you know what I'm talking about folks. It's gonna be somewhere live, somewhere physical, it's gonna be in a physical space. You wanna know where that space is? I'll tell you right now. I'm not gonna tell you. I'm gonna give you a hint. It's gonna appear on Monday, it's gonna appear on Monday, and it's gonna be prominently on display somewhere in a major American city.
(Dan, Johnny, and Tonya all ooooooh at the same time)
Dan: That's mysterious.
Dan: That's right. If you're in the UK, you're listening just from Australia...
Tonya: The heartland.
Dan: No. No, it's not in the heartland. It's a major American city.
Dan: That's right Tonya.
Dan: That's right. You gotta listen to me, DJ Dan, for (unintelligible) Alright, but you know what, folks? Now, you've got...
Tonya: You name me if you pay me.
Dan: Well you know what? I pay you with the satisfaction of a job well done. I pay you with the knowledge that you work alongside a great man! Folks! I'm tired of tooting my own horn. I think we need to talk to someone, from, from, from, from out there, from the world, or something I like to call:
Johnny: You ask, he answers.
Dan: I ask, no, you ask, I might ask, I might ask you something. Do we have a caller? Tonya?
Tonya: Line 2, Peter from England.
Dan: Peter from England. Peter!
Peter: Hi, Dan?
Dan: Yes, is this Peter?
Peter: Oh, yes, it's Peter.
Dan: A pleasure to meet you.
Peter: You go on.
Dan: No, you go on, please.
Dan: Yes, I'm here.
Dan: Yes, Peter, it's DJ Dan. I'm here for you. Come on, let's hear it.
Johnny: Not America.
Peter: I was wondering if you had an opinion on where Rachel's mum is? You know, is she still alive?
Dan: Rachel's mother. Hmm... that's interesting because I've been getting a lot of questions about Rachel Blake's mother. Is she still alive? You know what? The fact is, there is no information out there about Rachel. What do you think about Rachel's mother? Do you think she's still alive?
Peter: I'm wondering whether you could hear me...
Dan: Yes, we can hear you, we're hearing you right now. Peter, are you there? Folks, we seem to be losing the...
(Tonya parodies The Who's "Tommy Can You Hear Me" by singing "Peter Can You Hear Me")
Dan: Well, folks, we're gonna talk about whether Rachel's mom is alive. But, Peter, I wanna know what your opinion is on Rachel's mom. Do you think she's alive? Folks? Folks, we're losing the signal. Peter I'm gonna have to shut you down. SHUTDOWN! Let's talk about Rachel's mom. I don't know where Rachel's mom is. I don't know that Rachel knows where Rachel's mom is, she's a mystery character, she's shrouded in secrecy. But then again, so is Rachel's father. That's all I'm saying. As in, "Rachel, I am your father." That's right folks, I'm feeling frisky. Let's take another call. Tonya, who you got for me?
Tonya: Line 5, Tyler from Ohio.
Dan: Tyler in Ohio. Tyler, you are live with DJ Dan.
Dan: Tyler, are you there? Hey, how ya doin?
Tyler: What do you really know about the Hanso Foundation?
Dan: What do I really know about the Hanso Foundation?
Tyler: Because you say you know a lot of things about them...
Dan: Oh, I know all sorts of things about the Hanso Foundation. You know what, you know what? I could do an hour, two hours, three hours about the Hanso Foundation! I mean, okay? Let's talk about torture and the Hanso Foundation. They torture monkeys, ok? They have an orangutan in captivity. They torture autistic savants at the Hanso Foundation, alright? They torture everyone. Hey, they torture me with their damn commercials, that's what I'm talking about. You think I like watching that pompous blow hard Thomas Mittelwerk pontificating on television about "spirited debate"? Folks, the guy squashes spirited debate. I've seen it, he was squashing it outside my door yesterday. That's what I'm talking about. You wanna know what I know about the Hanso Foundation? You stay tuned, because
I'll tell you what I know about the Hanso Foundation.
(Caller speaks, unintelligible)
The following is what Tyler tried to say: (Tyler AKA ? ITE) " THIS IS NOT AN ARG BUT HANSO I REAL! THEY'RE REAL! " Dan: I'm sorry? Yeah, you know what? I'm having a little communication issue here. I think we're gonna shut this call down. SHUTDOWN! All right, you know what folks? I think now that we've taken a couple of calls, and I'm sorry I've been shutting so many of you down, it's not that I don't love you, it's because you exasperate me. Folks, talking about things that exasperate me, one thing that exasperates me is the topic of our next segment is...
Johnny: Dangerous substance of the day...
Dan: All right folks, we talk about dangerous substances here all the time, and most of the dangerous substances are engineered by the man. That's right, I'm talking about Benzine, Polyditectrahexamonoctazine, I'm talking about Polydichloriceuthenol, but folks, what is our dangerous substance of the day? The dangerous substance for two days is parsley! Freakin' parsley folks! It does nothing! It smells funny and grows in abundance and I get the feeling that it's a lot smarter than it looks. How can an innocuous little green thing end up in every one of your meals? It's in your breakfast, it's in your lunch, it is your dinner...
Dan: Yes, Tonya?
Tonya: It actually does do something...
Dan: Oh, it does? What does it do?
Tonya: It freshens your breath.
Dan: Oh no no no, that is a lie, that is a lie spread by the man. Folks, I bet if you look it up, if you look it up, there is some white Protestant Anglo-Saxon out there who owns a massive parsley plantation. That's what I am talking about.
Dan: Tonya, don't eat the parsley.
Tonya: I have a feeling that if it were on a donut, you would eat it.
Dan: Well Tonya I mean... you know, you know... OK, this just ticks me off to no end, Tonya. How could you put donuts and parsley together like that? On the most benign, wondrous, glorious substance on the earth, and you're talking about...
Tonya: You would eat it, wouldn't you?
Dan: Donuts have been around for almost 5,000 years Tonya. It's in the Bible. The Old--- there are donuts in the Old Testament. I mean they were supressed by the man obviously, but in over 5,000 years of donut history, there has never been such thing as a parsley donut, and there never will be. Folks, I'm tired about this talk about donuts. Let's take some calls, or as Johnny likes to call it:
Johnny: You ask, Dan answers.
Dan: You ask, I answer. OK, who do we have, Tonya?
Tonya: Line 5, Rara, Rara? Reena, from Anchose (?), Alabama.
Dan: Well, we've got to talk about that.
Tonya: Did I say that correctly?
Dan: I don't know. Let's get her on the line. Hi, you're on live with DJ Dan. Line 5. Rarasemena, from Alabama.
Raraserena: Raraserena, form Anchorage, Alaska.
Dan: Alaska? How did we get Alabama? I'm firing our screeners, each and every one of them. Now, how do we pronounce your name, please?
Dan: Rarasemena. That is a lovely name. So, tell me. It's-it's-it's-it's not as lovely as Daniel Lapinsky though, but we take what we get. Ok, so what is your question?
Rarasemena.: Um, actually I was wondering what you thought about the video fragment we got yesterday with the supposedly Alvar Hanso.
Dan: Wait a minute-- here's what I want to know. How do you know that's Alvar Hanso? What makes you think it's Alvar Hanso?
Rarasemena: Personally, I do not think he is, but a lot of people on the internet are saying he said that he is.
Dan: Right now, what makes you think that it's not Alvar Hanso? I think that he's some progenitor of the DeGroots. That's my personal theory. Why do you think that he's not Alvar Hanso?
Rarasemena: I don't think he is just because because the picture we recently got from the U.N. council, from 1967...
Dan: Yeah, he was a bit square-jawed in that picture, wasn't he? The guy in the video, he looks kinda soft, kinda soft in the chin, doesn't he?
Rarasemena: Yes, he does.
Dan: Ok, is that the sole basis of your theory?
Rarasemena: Partly, and i don't think that Alvar would be in the orientation videos himself.
Dan: Why do you think that Alvar wouldn't do that for himself? That's very interesting.
Rarasemena: I just think he's too secretive to come out in the open like that.
Dan: Which raises the question: Do you think Alvar is secretive or that someone is just hiding him?
Rarasemena: Actually, it could be either way.
Dan: Either way?
Rarasemena: I don't know.
Dan: I see... You know what, you know what? Can I do something right now?
Dan: Would you mind if I shut you down?
Dan: SHUTDOWN! You're a great sport. Thank you very much. Ok folks, I'm gonna take one more call. Who do we have here?
Tonya: Line 2. We have Kipper from New Zealand.
Dan: Kipper from New Zealand, on line 2. Kipper, you're on live with DJ Dan.
Kipper: Hey, hey, what's up man?
Dan: Not much, how are you doing?
Kipper: I'm doing good. Listen, I'm also known as GateKipper on the net, and I wrote a song for Rachel.
Dan: You wrote a song for Rachel? Could you hum a couple bars for me?
Kipper: Yeah, oh man, I forgot how it goes.
Dan: You forgot how your song goes?
Tonya: You wrote the song, and you forgot how it goes?
Kipper: Dude, I'm nervous man. I'm in New Zealand, and this is America.
Dan: That is an affair to remember with you and Rachel, huh? So Kipper, you wrote a song about Rachel? So clearly, you are for Rachel. You like the Rachel Blake, right?
Kipper: Totally, man, totally.
Dan: So what is your question? What do you got for me today?
Kipper: Well, you know how you're sort of connected with Rachel and all that?
Dan: Well, I'm not as connected as I'd like to be, but I know what you're talking about.
Kipper: Yeah man, well my brother's got a thing for her, so I was wondering if you could give me her number?
Dan: Dude, if I had Rachel's number, do you think I'd give it to you. I don't know that Rachel has a number. She is underground my friend, she is underground, incommunicado. You know what? Rachel Blake, right now, I don't think that anyone can find her. I think that if she had a number, it would be right in the hands of my arch nemeses:
Johnny: The Hanso Foundation.
Dan: And that's why I think Rachel doesn't have a number. Thank you so much for your call Kipper, really appreciate it.
Kipper: True that, my friend.
Dan: Folks, you know what, folks, that was our last phone-call answer, and I'd like to go to a little something I like to call:
Johnny: DJ Dan's mailbag!
Dan: That's right, I have a bag, it's a brand-new bag, and it holds mail. Folks, I've been getting mail all week since we poster our covert email number. Tonya, you've got some questions from me, from online. What do you got?
Tonya: Lets see: from Joseph.
Tonya: He says: In the grand scheme of all things conspiracy, how many people are at the top of the food chain? I mean, are we battling a handful of crotchety leftovers from the Cold War era, or are we pitted against an army? An army of misinformers and miscreants.
Dan: Oh, dear Lord!
(Dan and Tonya talk over each other, (Dan says: Who is this? Is this Marcel...), but Tonya says: Hold on! There's more. There's more.)
Tonya: To put it in real-world terms, I know I should be vigilant when going to the bank or the DMV. But should I also keep up my guard at the dry-cleaners? Or the liquor store? Wrangling "The Man" can be tiring work. Just wanted to know if there is ever a break.
Dan: Ah. Let's take a break right now from fighting the man, shall we? Who is this? Is it Marcel Proust writing this freakin' email? I mean, good lord, I had a birthday while you were reading that. Le me tell you something. There is never a break from fighting the man. He's got more?! He's got more?!? No...
Tonya: A bonus question...
Dan: I want to answer the first question. There is never a break from fighting the man. Talk to Rachel Blake. She's out there, she's underground. And no phone number Kipper. You hear me? No phone number. You wanna know why? Because she's fighting the man. And not just the man, it's the man in the shape of my arch nemeses:
Johnny: The Hanso Foundation.
Dan: Folks, that's all I got from DJ Dan's mailbag. We'll do a little bit more of that in a second... You know what? Before we go back to taking more calls, before we go to another song about the man, I'd like to address something, and that something that I'd like to address is...
Johnny: Top 5 misconceptions about DJ Dan.
Dan: Folks, there are many misconceptions. These are the top ones. Let's start from the bottom.
Johnny: At number 5!
Dan: DJ Dan is not Peter Thompson. FENRIS! YOU ARE WRONG!
Johnny: At number 4!
Dan; DJ Dan is not an employee of the Hanso Foundation. Which is why I'm not Peter Thompson. How can I be Peter Thompson if weren't an employee of the Hanso Foundation, which I'm not? Ok folks, let's get to another one.
Johnny: At number 3!
Dan: DJ Dan is not the other DJ Dan. DJ Dan is a techno DJ, his name is Daniel Wherret, he's world-renowned, he's worked with some of the best in the business, including New Order and Depeche Mode. (?) Tonya you like Depeche Mode?
Tonya: Love 'em.
Dan: Let me tell you something. Martin Gore's voice makes me go all dreamy. Folks, there is a real DJ Dan out there. Respect him, love him, buy his stuff, it's fantastic.
Johnny: Number 2!
Dan: DJ Dan is not Speaker! Folks, Speaker, Speaker looks like that guy Marcos from that show Diapas. Have you seen his picture? Good lord! I am out there. You can see my receding hairline in my pictures. And now:
Johnny: And the number one misconception about DJ Dan:
Dan: DJ Dan is not Javier Grillo-Marxuach. I don't know who that guy is ok? He's some writer-producer from that awful insidious show LOST, who is out there looking a lot like me in photos, folks. I am not that man, ok? First of all, he said I have a reedy voice. This melodious, golden baritone is reedy? What is he talking about? And I want to talk to you about that TV show LOST, ok? I don't know what kinds of people take money from my sworn nemeses:
Johnny: The Hanso Foundation.
Dan: I don't understand how they can take money from the Hanso Foundation. They put their commercials on the air and do this massive fictional narrative about how great the Hanso Foundation is, building hatches on islands and stuff. That guy Javier Grillo-Marxuach wrote for that show, those guys are insidious, awful, and they disgust me, and they disgust Rachel Blake. I was at Comic-Con, and I saw Rachel Blake, and those guys had the guts, the juevos, to pull out the Opus Dei argument. Opus Dei? All right, we all agree that "The Da Vinci Code" was one of the most researched books in the history of publishing. I'm not gonna deny that. However, it is one thing for Dan Brown to tell the truth about Opus Dei, it is another thing for these guys, these monkeys, who write and produce LOST, to go up there and say: Just because Dan Brown used Opus Dei in his book, it's okay for them to use my sworn nemeses:
Johnny: The Hanso Foundation.
Dan: Folks, it is evil. You do not take blood money from the man, I am not Javier Grillo-Marxuach, I'm telling you right now. All right folks, do we have time for one more call before the break? Who do we have here, Tonya?
Tonya: Line 15.
Dan: Do we have 15 lines? Holy mackerel.
Tonya: Apparently we do.
Dan: Who's on line 15?
Tonya: Alex from New York City.
Dan: Alex from New York City. Alex, are you there?
Alex: Yeah, I'm here DJ.
Dan: Ok. Do you got a question for me Alex? Because time is RUNNING OUT!!!
Alex: Alright, well, what do you think, why is Rachel Blake is doing all this, why do you think she's trying to expose the Hanso Foundation; Apart from their being evil, what are the reasons that you think..
Dan: Does it-- Do you think it takes any reason other than just than the mere prescence of evil to be galvanized(?) like that, did you not hear anything I said about, uh, about the Great Man Theory?
Alex: I've been listening, but I don't know, there's got to to be some person..
Dan: What? Oh you think it's personal, and why do you think it's personal Alex? Lets hear your theory, you know?
Alex: Well, you saw the thing at Comic Con, right?
Dan: Absolutely, I was there in the audience, I had a copy of The Middle Man, it's a great book. So tell me.
Alex: Yes, did you notice that she said she's living proof of Alvar Hanso?
Dan: That she is living proof? I think she's living proof, that all of the things that are in that fictional narrative of "Lost" are actually real and it's all going on in our world as we speak, and that those people are taking blood money, I don't know if that meant anything other than that. But look, If I knew that one the top rated shows in television was advocating the cost of my sworn nemeses,
Johnny: (whispery voice) The Hanso Foundation
Dan: I'd be up at Comic Con talking back to those guys as well, I don't know if that means she has any kind of connection to it, I just think she was there because she's galvanized to get people to, see the way.. Do you agree?
Alex: Well, yea but.. There's got to be something, she mentioned her mother, and she mentioned a Widmore severance package, everybody knows that Widmore and Hanso, there's something on between them.
Dan: Well, everybody knows that Widmore and Hanso are connected, and we also know that Widmore, that Widmore, Hanso and Paik are connected, I mean, we've all read that incredible, uh, non-fiction book Bad Twin haven't we?
Alex: Uh, yeah.
Dan: Alright, alright, alright, so then I think we all know that there really are connections between all of those things; It's evil, it's terrible. I'm not so sure about Rachel, look, all I know about Rachel Blake is that I looove her deeply, and folks, with that, with that in mind we are going to I am going to say thank you for the call and we are going to go to another song about the man and we'll be back in a couple of minutes with more of your calls. 800 942 4704.
("For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield plays)
(DJ DAN JINGLE)
(JEEP COMPASS ADVERTISEMENT)
(DJ DAN JINGLE)
Johnny: From under the rotted wood plank in your uncle Frank's front porch, it's shuttin' down the man, and here's DJ Dan.
Dan: That's right folks I'm shuttin' it down, you know what folks, I love my Jeep Compass, that's right I drive it, I drive it away from the MAN! Folks, ConspiraSpies have all been there, hard to work; kids cryin' in the backseat, the store's out of bear claws, and that thunderstorm just threatening to ruin your family's weekend picnic to Devil's Tower (DJ Dan sings a jingle) doo dooo doo do.. Ho yeah, you got a throbber, a header.. a headache that just will not quit, and then you notice, not only is your head pounding, but you can't get any darn reception on your radio tuner. (static sound effect) Yeah, that's right, that's right. Well ConspiraSpies that means, it's time to ask yourself..
Johnny: Headache or bug planted in your skull?
Dan: Is it just a headache, or do I have a bug planted in my head? Folks, I'm not going to lie to you, it can be tough to tell. The Man is sneaky and he always wants to listen to your words and thoughts. Well here are some guidelines that may help you throught this all too common crisis. Number one: When you take an Ibuprofen, does the headache go away? If so, it's might just be a headache. Huh, how about that? I like that. Guideline number two, when you hold a magnet to your head, do you feel something moving around? Does the pain shoot toward the magnet? Is the magnet now stuck to your face? If so, it might just be a bug, or as Johnny calls it,
Johnny: A bug in your skull
Dan: Guideline number three, If it is a bug, do this little trick: Whack yourself in the head with a tuning fork. It may not knock the thing out, but it will eavesdroppers a mighty good ring in the ear and folks, I like that. Tuning fork equals love. Guideline number four: When you walk by men in black suits standing by black SUVs with black sunglasses and a communications jack in their ears, do they sorta, kinda follow you around? Do they look at each other and giggle? If so, you might just have..
Johnny: A tick in your noggin.
Dan: (laughs) Johnny, I love you. Guideline number five: Around the same time you got the headache, did you also find a Halliburton Case containing a recorded message from yourself, telling to to get your ass to mars, and instructing to put some horrible painful terrible device up your snoz, to remove the bug planted in your head, if so you might just have..
Johnny: A flea in the cerebellum
Dan: Folks! Thank you Johnny, and now you know what? It's time for another edition of..
Johnny: You ask, Dan answers.
Dan: That's right I'm taking your calls at 800 942 4704. Who do we have on the line Tonya?
Tonya: Line 8, from Andrew in Los Angeles.
Dan: Andrew in Los Angeles you're on the air with DJ Dan.
Andrew: Uh, hi DJ Dan, uh, long time listener, first time caller in.
Dan: Well, excellent, thank you very much Andrew.
Andrew: For sure. I have a question, I was over at Comic Con a month ago, and uh, Carlton Cuse--
Dan: Now, hang on for a second, you were at Comic Con?
Andrew: Yes, I was at Comic Con.
Dan: Well, what books did you pick up?
Andrew: I- I didn't actually get the books, I took pictures, but I didn't get em'.
Dan: The Glyphs? No, no no I'm talking about books, comic books, you were there for the comic books weren't ya?
Andrew: No, I went to find out more, uh, from Rachel Blake.
Dan: Oh well, uh excellent, well give me your question, what do ya have to say?
Andrew: Uh well, Carlton Cuse talked about the uh, The Global Makeup Consortion by Maybelline, and I wanted to know if you knew more about that.
Dan: The Global Makeup Conversion by Maybelline?
Johnny: Maybe it's Maybelline.
Dan: Maybe it's Maybelline, folks, I'm shutting this call down. SHUT DOWN!! (Shutdown effect) DJ Dan don't talk about Makeup I'm a MAN!! A Man's Man! If a man talks about make-up he aint' a man!!
Dan: That's right here at DJ Dan. I want another call, one that doesn't talk about makeup. I got nothin' going with make up, alright, Tonya? Who do we have on the line?
Tonya: Line 2, Ronty, from Ohio.
Dan: Ronty from Ohio on Line 2, Ronty, are you on the line?
Dan: Hey, this is DJ Dan.
Ronty: Hey Dan.
Dan: So what do you got for me?
Ronty: I received something in the mail today, well, let me back up because I don't want to give out too much information.
Dan: Yeah, I don't think you should it sounded pretty creepy my friend.
Dan: Yeah yeah yeah, c'mon speed it up.
Ronty: I got a box of Apollo bars today--
Dan: SHUTDOWN!! Folks, folks, the Apollo bars, c'mon this is the private chocolatier of my sworn nemeses...
Johnny: (prolonged) The Hanso Foundation
(DJ Dan and Tonya laugh)
Dan: Thank you Johnny. Folks, the man is greedy, the man is evil, the man doesn't want you to have the good chocolate. That's right. M. David Benson created the chocolate that is chocolatey at the molecular level folks. It is a scientifically engineered chocolate-- It's one of the greatest chocolates of the 21st century. I have had an Apollo bar from the days before they were taken over by my sworn nemeses...
Johnny: (quickly) The Hanso Foundation
Dan: And it was delightful. And that's why Alvar Hanso took that crap over, that's why he's got it and he ain't givin' to us folks 'cause he's the man, lets take another call.
Tonya: Line 9, Oh, no name, Unseen Presence from Los Angeles.
Dan: We have an Unseen Presence from Los Angeles.
Unseen Presence: Hey DJ Dan, how are you doin'?
Dan: Hey, Unseen, or is it Mr. Presence?
Unseen Presence: Uh.. Mr. Unseen Presence.
Dan: Mr. Unseen Presence, how formal. How long have you been listening to my show?
Unseen Presence: Since the first time I found it on a podcast.
Dan: God bless you man. So what you got for me?
Unseen Presence: I got a real question for you DJ Dan.
Dan: Oh, well thank God because, you know what I've been getting crap all night.
Unseen Presence: How can a television show about Flight 815 start the same night that Flight 815 actually crashed?
Dan: SHUTDOWN! Folks, folks. I'm talkin M. C. Esher, I'm talkin Albert Einstein, I'm talking about Schrodinger's Cat. If you got to ask that question, What do you not know about? I'll tell you what you don't know about, M. C. Esher, Albert Einstein, and Schrodinger's Cat, and if you don't know what I'm talkin about, you don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what you're talking about, and we don't understand each other. Do we understand each other? (stutters) Lets get another call.
Tonya: Line 15..
Dan: Uh huh, Line 15, who do we have?
Tonya: From Australia.
Dan: It's the Lost Ninja!! That's right, Ninja you're on the line, it's DJ Dan. Yes, Ninja?
Ninja: Hi, Hey.
Dan: Hey, how you doin'?
Ninja: Really well thanks, really well. Glad to see that there's more ninjas out there fighting for the truth.
Dan: I am an honorary ninja. That is true. It happened in Kyoto, I saved a couple of drunken ninjas from a barfight and they made me an honorary ninja. I got a black sash to prove it. It's fantastic.
Tonya: Except why it was, you kicked them.
Dan: Ah, yes I did, but they love me for it. So, ninja what you got for me?
Ninja: Look, alright, you spoke to Rachel Blake a little while back on your podcast..
Dan: I did.
Ninja: And we haven't heard from you in a few weeks.
Dan: That is true.
Ninja: Now, since that time she has come back to the states, and, you know, she hasn't been seen since Comic Con, but, she quite obviously has been helped hacking the ABC Podcast. Dan.
Dan: Uh, yes?
Ninja: Have you two been on the fly together?
Dan: You know what? I am (stutters) like the guy at the sporting event, who's got his shirt off, and half of him is painted red, and half of him is painted blue and he's going "NINERS", that's me with Rachel Blake folks, I'm not involved with Rachel, I'm just there, I'm watching her, I'm egging her on, because that's what I do, because I'm a fan of Rachel Blake. Because she's fighting the man in a way that few of us have the gut to ever fight the man. Do I have a connection to Rachel Blake? I'm not saying, I'd like to have a connection with Rachel Blake, but folks, I'm just a fan, I'm watching her, I'm eggin' her on, and helping her out. And every once in a while, I might get a message, that happens, you know what, and as a result, my sworn nemeses...
Johnny: The Hanso Foundation
Dan: ... Have come after me, that's right with their pastel colored hammer of oppression, but folks, It's all about helpin' her out, that's all I'm doing. If she chooses, she deigns to honor me with her presence, that's all I got my friends, Thanks a lot ninja, I appreciate the call. (interrupted by Tonya and Ninja) What's going on? Uh yes, Tonya, you got something for me?
Tonya: We need to take one more call.
Dan: We need to take one more call, why's that?
Tonya: Line 6, Idan from Israel.
Dan: Idan from Israel..
Tonya: Idan, how you doin?
Dan: Hey, you're live with DJ Dan, Idan from Israel.
Dan: How are you doin?
Idan: Hi, DJ Dan.
Dan: It is DJ Dan indeed, how can I help you?
Idan: I called to ask a question, will you ever show yourself to the public?
Dan: Will I ever show myself to the public, well you know what? I've already shown quite a bit of myself to the public and all it has brought me is comparisons to that jerk writer Javier Grillo-Marxuach so frankly I'm not so sure I wanna show my face, who knows who they're going to compare me to when they see what I look like.
Johnny: He's got a face for radio.
Dan: (laughs) That's right Johnny. Idan, what else can I help you with?
Idan: Err, can I ask another question?
Dan: Absolutely, I'm begging you.
Idan: What kind of music do you like and will you ever make a CD?
Dan: Well you know (stutters) actually, I'm very well known for my mellifluous soul voice, I'm actually quite good, I was gonna give old Sam Cooke a run for his money, but I decided to fight the Man instead. Idan, thank you very much for your call, I truly appreciate it. Folks, It's time for me to give you a second Glyph hint, no, actually, yes I will talk to you about the second Glyph, ok because you know, Rachel has gained to call me on occasion and I try to help her out, so folks, a major American metropolis, I told you this last time, in a very touristy area. You want to see the Glyph, It's gonna happen ok? Folks, it's time for a little something I like to call: The Threat Call of the Day, that's right folks, it's a threat call of the day because lots of threat calls to choose from, every once in a while, Johnny and I just like to enact them for you, in a kind of repertory company kind of way. Johnny? Ok, lots of threat calls to choose from, Tonya, what are we, what are we feeling like today?
Tonya: Uh, how about something sophisticated?
Dan: Nah, no I don't like that.
Dan: Bingo, Tonya, the one thing I want tonight is for Johnny to renact a stupid threat call for me.
Dan: It'll sooth my nerves. Ok, lets try this one, Johnny, (Johnny clears throat) middle of page 8, shall we uh, go to the middle of page 8? Alright middle of page 8. Ladies and gentlemen, now our Johnny Johnny will perform a real live threat call to DJ Dan in his best Johnny voice, lets hear it.
Johnny: And then, I'll throw you out the window onto your green Jeep Compass.
Dan: Oh, for the love of god, lets not do this one, oh, how about middle of Page 12, that's a good one.
Johnny: You might find yourself the victim of a most uncomfortable fire, and I don't mean a fire in your fireplace, no, imagine if you will, that your whole studio is the fire.
Dan: Shutdown! Good god, who wrote-- who sent in that threat call, my god it sounds like Leo Tolstoy, how pedantic. Lets go to the top of page 14, lets enact that one ok?
Johnny: 50 pounds of silly putty, and make you read the news backwards while you're naked--
Dan: No, no no no, ok stop it stop it stop it, I don't like that one, you know what? Oh lets do this one in its entirety, page 22.
Dan: Ok, caller you ask I answer.
Johnny: Dou bask bye banswer!
Dan: Uh.. Ok..?
Johnny: Noh, Nobay.
Dan: Oh boy.
Johnny: Oh hooy!
Dan: Tonya do you know what this is don't you?
Johnny: (incomprehensable mumbling)
Dan: (quickly) Well the great jumping Jiminy Jehosophat Frank Callit and that didn't even Rhyme!
Johnny: (incomprehensable mumbling) (laughs)
Dan: OK, OK, already I get it, I get it.
Johnny: I can keep this up all day, DJ Dan!
Dan: Yeah, you're pathetic, you're a monkey, you know that?
Johnny: Monkey nyshrunkey!
Dan: Shut down, shut down… there you have it, folks, a reenactment of one of my favorite threatening calls…You know what, folks, we’re gonna take one last call before we go to a song about the Man, one of our favorite songs about the Man… And who do we have, we have…
Tonya: We have on line 5… Speaker.
Dan: Speaker, or as I like to call him, Sir Commandante Marcos of Giapos. Speaker, you’re online with DJ Dan, lets hear it...
Speaker: Yeah, I was sitting around, and I was…
Dan: Dude, wait wait, Speaker…before you get into whatever your question is, I’m sure it’s scintillating…
Speaker: Yes, it’s very scintillating…
Dan: Are you the same guy who runs the fan page for Javier Grillo-Marxuach? (intentionally mispronounces name)
Speaker: I don’t even know who that is.
Dan: OK, you’d better not be, cuz otherwise, I’m shutting you down. Better not be the same guy. Whataya got for me?
Johnny: Nobody does.
Speaker: I was just wondering about this Spider Protocol, what do you know about it, could it be some sort of boy band? What do you mean?
Dan: Spider Protocol, the boy band, that’s very exciting.
Tonya: (singing) Bye Bye Bye…
Dan: That’s right, that’s right. You know, Speaker, um, you know, Spider Protocol…What do you think? Do you think it’s an acronym? Do you think it’s talking about real spiders…
Speaker: I think it sounds like the Alan Parson’s Project to me…
Dan: The Alan Par--Oh wow, the finest progro- band of the 70s and 80s… WOW…. The Alan Parson’s Project…
Speaker: Was this like the progenitor to Geronimo Jackson? I mean is this--
Dan: Now actually, wait a minute, wait a minute… First of all, Geronimo Jackson a progenitor to Alan Parsons’… Geronimo Jackson was the 60s, ok… Keith Strutter started the band in the 60s alright. So let’s not get him and Alan P-- Like Alan Parsons was running tape for the Beatles when Keith Strutter started Geronimo Jackson. That’s what I’m saying. Um, so ok, Spider Protocol… ok, you know what… you ever see that movie Wild Wild West, with the spider-shaped robot, I sometimes just think Alvar Hanso has one of those big spider robots that he’s going to TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH (chuckles)…am I right?
Speaker: Yeah, well, I uh… (stuttering)
Dan: Andy. Speaker, come on, come on, give it to me, give it to me…
Speaker: I think that’s a very good idea.
Dan: You know what, that’s what I’m talking about. Speaker, can I just do one thing here, very gently, just very softly, very loving way…
Speaker: You may shut me down.
Dan: SHUT DOWN. Folks, I think it’s time for a song about The Man. We’re gonna take a break, we’re taking your calls: 800-942-4704.
(“Imagine” by John Lennon Plays)
continued on Part 2